Losing my grip on reality!

Hi its me again I know its been a while since my last blog post. Guess I had sometime to reflect on life and what’s important.

For a while now my reality has been about living to get the latest phone, go out with my friends, dream big, tvshows, movies and success.

Now that bubble of reality has burst after losing my dog ‘KING’. Its like I woke up from a bad dream to realise what is important. All this time I’ve been aiming for success never thinking something like death would happen to me.

The death of my dog ‘KING’ affected me so bad it shattered my reality. Everything I knew became a lie. Things like movies, success, a new phone just didn’t matter without my dog in my life. Now I realised that spending time with the people close to you is more important than all the money in world. You can never buy back time. I have so much regret not spending more time with my dog.

Now I’m afraid to wake up everyday. I can’t make sense of what I should do now. How long before I lose someone else. How do I make time count with the people in my life. How long before I die. How do I balance my life between the people I love and me working toward success.

The answer? I just don’t know anymore!

Good bye Hunter x hunter ! My new favorite anime

Its been a while since I started a new anime even though hunter x hunter has been around since 2011. I always seen it around but I never mustered the strength to watch another anime because I’m already following fairytail, naruto and onepiece at the moment.

So 1 month ago my Dog died and I was devastated. I was barely coping. So I decided to finally get into hunter x hunter since its an anime I know nothing about and maybe it will help keep my mind busy if I got into it. As time went on. Its 1 month now still I’m missing my dog but it hurts a little less now, because of time and watching hunter x hunter has got me addicted.

Sure it has similar aspects to naruto and onepiece but I still think hunter x hunter is better. Naruto has become more like dragonballz lately. Onepiece is still awesome. Hunter x hunter just has more hardcore villains like this latest arc I’m watching the Chimera ant arc. Better fights and strategy. There’s a lot of death and tragedy in this arc. I could go on and try to convince you but only when you watch the anime will you know how good it is.

Sadly Hunter x hunter has ended this september. Not sure why! Just my luck. I just got attached to this anime. Just like my dog died. I’m about lose something I’ve grown to love in a short time. I still got about 15 more episodes left to watch before I see the end. Its been an awesome ride. It started of slow but action packed, its funny but also dark and violent towards the end.

Thankfully there are 2 hunter x hunter movies I can watch after I finish the anime. Fingers crossed that the anime will continue again like fairytail resumed when it ended a while back.

Today is 1 week since my dog “King” pasted away

Today is exactly 1 week since my dog “KinG” has pasted away. I thought I was doing ok until yesterday but today the reality of knowing that exactly a week ago on this day, my dog died. I broke down with tears crying.

Later that day I was talking to my mom. We was talking about how quite it is that my dog “KinG” is gone. Then I never expected my mom to break down in tears saying how much she misses him.
Then and there I realised how selfish I was! All this time I was thinking about myself ,about how much I miss “KinG”. I never stopped to think about how my family is feeling about this loss. My mom she loved “King”. She treated him like a child. No like a baby.

My dog “KinG” was the life of this house. As soon as we wake up his barking for his food. He walks in and out of the house as he pleases. Jumps on the bed when he feels like. Obsessed with playing the ball and won’t stop barking until I play with him. He certainly earned the name “KinG” by behaving like one.

I miss him a lot. I still have regret about how he died. I didn’t want to put him down but if we didn’t, he would of suffered and died anyway. Still I wish I could turn back time and wish I had noticed he was sick earlier. So we could of saved him. I let my best friend down I feel :( .

I like to thank all the people who had supported me through this loss. I thank my friends moses and oyeshan for coming to see me on the day “KinG” died. It helped having friends around to bare some of the pain.

Despite my regrets. The thing that made me cry the most was? Before “KinG” died he gave me 1 last gift. He woke up and looked me and my mom wagging his tail like he would normally do when he was well and went back to sleep. He looked happy when he did that. I guess he was saying good bye in his own way. Every time I think back to that moment I want to cry. He may of been ready to say good bye but I wasn’t.

I want to honour my Dog “KinG” with my life. He made me happy and I’m gonna do what I can to become successful. When I get over this loss I will help my family and make my parents happy like “KinG” did for us. He was a gift from GOD. How ever little time we had with him, I’m glad we knew him at all. I hope you watching over me “KinG”. I will do my best to take of your mother “Brandy”. I will spend more time with her as I can.

I’ll soon upload a gallery of my dog “KinG” in this month. So I can remember him and I will always have his photos weather it be online or offline.

Grieving for the loss of a pet

This week has been most devastating to me and my family. This week tuesday I had to put off my dog ‘King’ due to him having kidney failure. Grieving is difficult. Feeling guilty, regret and depression sinks in.

That tuesday and wednesday I could not comprehend or believe that he is gone. I was in denial. Thursday I guess it finally sunk in that he is gone and never coming back. My family has taken this very hard as well. I’m trying to be strong for them and my other dog who is in fact who is kings mother.

Still it isn’t easy I barely ate since my dog “Kings” death. Sometimes I feel ok and at peace knowing he was happy and that he made me happy. Others times I feel devastated wishing and longing he was here with me. To play with him. To throw the ball for him. Play catch.

I’ve been to some online support groups regarding a loss of a pet, and they say pretty much the same thing. That we feel guilty. I mean I wish I spotted his sickness earlier maybe I could of saved him and he would still be here with me today. That kind of guilt! Its hard to ignore. Despite the support groups saying that we should not feel guilty, but we do.

Yesterday I woke up so late. Spent half the day in bed because I just couldn’t wake up and face the day. I’m still grieving even today but it isn’t as bad as earlier this week. Still it made me aware that life is pointless. Why live when you just gonna lose everything. Money can’t buy the thing you want the most. It can’t give you time back.

I’ve had a lot of support from my friends when my dog died. They understood how much I love my dog. That they are my family. That I would even put my dogs first before my friends. I’m not done grieving but I have a little peace knowing my dog was happy.

Looking at my dog’s photos sometimes gives me comfort. I’ve cried so much that I don’t know if I have any more tears to shed. I wouldn’t wish this pain on any pet owner. Love your pets and make time for them is my advice to all pet owners.

I just had to right down this and express how I feel.

RIP my dog “King” I will always miss you

Yesterday was the hardest day for me and my family.
We’ve been up from before 5 am yesterday morning. I can’t sleep. I can’t focus because from last week Thursday I noticed my male dog “King” wasn’t eating and seemed depressed. So last week friday my father and I took him to the vet. Its seemed he had gotten tick bite fever.

The vet had given him 4 injections and some medication. My dog seemed ok when we brought him home from the vet last friday but over the weekend he seemed to have gotten worst. From yesterday he has been spewing. That really scares me because that isn’t a good sign.

Yesterday morning when my dad was leaving for work. My dad noticed my dog had no strength to move. So I carried him inside to let him sleep in the house. To be honest I’m terrified. Depressed. King is my life. If I woke up and I was depressed. He would bark at me and force me to play with him and throw the ball. When I’m alone, or no friends is around I always have my dogs.

Now I’m scared when we take him to the vet that they might put him down. I’ve been praying harder than ever had in my life from last week for my dog to get better but he hasn’t. I’m frustrated, irritated, depressed and sad right now.

I can’t bare the thought of losing my dog. The impact it would have on my life. I would even blow off my friends, if we was going out. Id stay at home with my dogs if no one was at home like my parents wasn’t home. I would make any sacrifices for my dogs because that’s how much I love them, more than I love my own life.

Sadly yesterday his condition was critical. Suffering from kidney failure. The spca said we have to put him down or his gonna suffer a painful death if we take him home. Luckily my sister and niece came over to say their good byes because they loved him just as much as I did. I cried. I didn’t wanna let him go and the nurse there chased me from the room and she tried to counsel me after but failed.

I still can’t get over the shock that my dog ‘King’ is gone. The truth is I need him more than he needs me. My life has been a struggle and dealing with depression but waking everyday to see my dog ‘King’ gave me hope because he loved me and waited for me each day to play with him.

I don’t know how I’m gonna live my life. I feel like killing myself. I miss him so much. I will never forget him. I love you ‘King’.

Finding motivation

Do you ever like every day its a struggle. Practically hate your circumstances. Wish you had a better job, wish you was better looking, more talented or just something to make your life feel a lot better. I feel like that every day. Sadly I hate my life. I have no motivation to push me forward. Feels like I screwed up my last graphic design freelance opportunity.

Finding motivation to go on is hard. Sure I have some motivational sessions with my friend ‘Zak’. But what happens when I get home, I’m alone! No one but myself I have to rely on. Its scary. I’ve never been responsible. Pay the bills or going to work because I’m unemployed for so long. Also I stay with my parents.

I’m gonna be 30 soon in november and I’m overwhelmed because I’m having a hard time transitioning into an adult. I’m the guy who likes to sit and watch series, movies and anime. There was a time in my early twenties where I was ready to face life. Dream big. Until I got knocked down. Guess I haven’t really been able to recover since then. So I’ve been having issue with low self esteem, which led to me having anxiety and panic attacks which makes it hard for me to work or stay in a job.

All I know is! Despite my problems I need to become self motivated. I need to face life. Build my confidence and move forward or I am going to remain in the same place I’ve been in the last 4 years.

Well I’m writing this post because I want to push myself. Motivate myself and believe in myself again. Still I can’t shake this feeling of intimidation and unworthiness. I feel like I’m not good enough. No matter how hard I try! I screw up.

I don’t know how to motivate myself anymore but if there’s a way I will find it. All I want is a better life. To help my parents. Take my friends out for a movie and lunch. Motivate others with my success. Give hope to the hopeless. I want to do all this and more but how can I motivate others when I cannot even motivate myself?