Believe in me!

Believe in me!

Hi I’m not sure if you ever watched one of those movies where! The parent tells their son of daughter. You can do anything I believe you can do it and I’ll support you in whatever you decide. Unfortunately in my case reality isn’t the same. I want to work hard and focus on becoming a successful graphic designer but to them it’s not important. When ever I’m designing anything I’m disturbed like a hundred times for little things. I loose my focus cause of my anxiety and it’s not easy to pick up where I left off. So I become so drained and stop designing.

Wish they would take my dreams seriously and my anxiety. Sometimes I feel so judged mentally wondering what they think of me and sometimes my anxiety exaggerates things. Support would mean the world but life isn’t like those movies. Honestly I’d give anything to have someone believe in me and constantly be there to encourage me. Guess I’m being selfish wanting a movie moment.

Don’t get me wrong my parents love me just that Hey have an old mentally because of their own up bringing. I love my parents to and wish the relationship could change to supportiveness instead of get any job and that’s life.

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Back in therapy after ages

Back in therapy after ages

It’s been after 3 months that I’ve been back in therapy. Today’s session was good,  productive even. Learning what’s causing my anxiety. It’s mostly my core beliefs, that my thoughts process  when ever I do anything. It tells me I’m not smart enough or don’t have what it takes.

Also there’s been a lot of physical symptoms these few months. When I’m anxious I get this annoying cough. Also my stomach feels knotted. Thirdly I’m not sleeping at night. My mind is over thinking and analyzing my life. It seems now I need my to focus a lot on mindfulness my Psychologist suggests. Because I’m not living in the present moment because my anxiety is always trying to predict slash fear the future.

I have now an idea of what I must do. Today I’ve done something very stupid. I was joking with a friend and kinda hurt him in the processes. So Zak if you reading this I’m so sorry bro. I’m deeply sorry and promise nothing like that will ever happen again.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Lately I’ve been thinking of ways to raise a little money so I can work as a graphic designer from home without reporting to any boss. Cause of my anxiety disorder working for a boss and harsh work environments has been hard and embarrassing when you getting panic attacks on the job. Especially when you feel under pressure.

November 11th I turn 34 and still unemployed and need to do something with my life. Working at a company just hasn’t worked out as you just read. I’m kinda forced to turn to crowd funding here. I’m sure you noticed I hardly ever blog it’s because I have no money for data or Internet. So basically the money I wanna raise is so that I have money to pay for a decent Internet connection so I can do work online and even maybe make money from passive income as a graphic designer.

Of course none of that is gonna happen if I don’t have any money to go online. So I thought I’d write this post and see if it is a good idea to crowd fund or not.
Or if you would like to support me I want to raise a 100$ dollars.  So comment or email me on my blog. Thank you for reading my Blog.

My graphic design dream

My graphic design dream

Hey its me and been thinking about the choices I’ve made and I remembered having a dream of becoming a successful graphic designer but by using free software. Sounds ridiculous right. I gave up on that dream some time ago and started to learn and use industry software and even though I know how to use industry design software well. I haven’t really improved as a designer.  I wonder about why that is I guess.

So not long a go i found a guy online living the dream I dreamt of.  He is using the free software I used to use and his successful and has an impressive portfolio. I was both jealous and inspired by him. This made me rethink what I was doing and maybe I should go back to the dream I had because I haven’t really improved using premium industry software.

Also I wanna make money by making a lot of stock graphics, because dealing with actual clients is a bit much for me cause of my anxiety disorder. Hey these are just thoughts I’m letting out. Whose knows if i will really continue with my original dream I’ve had. Anyway wish me luck just had to say what I was thinking.

God are you there?

God are you there?

These days I’m starting to feel so hopeless inside.  God why do I have this anxiety disorder that’s ruining my life.  I can’t work,  I can’t date,  I can’t do anything by myself without help. I can’t help but wonder if God is real. I feel trapped in like inside an hourglass watching the world and life pass me by as time run out.

I’m trying my best but it isn’t good enough. I’m not a good enough graphic designer yet.  I’m not good enough to handle a job. Dating and being intimate overwhelms me it’s so embarrassing as an 33 old adult. Where did it all go wrong. So God where are you. What is the purpose of my life. Am i suppose to suffer through this anxiety disorder alone.

Lately I even stopped going to church.  Just feel so drained and feel like church is a waste of time.  Honestly it’s not what I believe just how I’m feeling these days. People say do things one step at a time but in the back of my mind my anxiety tells me and feels like I’m running out of time.  So I’m in a constant panic to succeed in life quickly.

I don’t know if you ever asked yourself any of these questions. This isn’t something I wouldn’t discuss about with anyone it’s why I blog and offload my thoughts or I will go crazy.  The truth is I want to believe in God and his plan that there is something better in store for me but it’d hard when the present is so difficult to live through everyday.

Feeling of overwhelm

Feeling of overwhelm

It’s weird feeling afraid and scared for no reason.  Sometimes when I don’t get stuff done at home and if my mom or dad shouts at me about it. Then I spend so much time zoned out thinking about what my parents think of me. That I’m useless, a loser or even a burden.  It’s hard to even say if it’s true, because my anxiety stretches the facts and it’s hard to tell truth from lies with an anxiety disorder.

Feeling are just misleading.  Sometimes I just feel like my parents are angry at me for not working or even for having an anxiety disorder. These feeling then turn to feeling of hatred to myself. Then thoughts of suicide begin to creep in. Then you wish where dead. These feelings of anxiety is overwhelming me. Also because I don’t have my meds this month that I’m feeling so depressed and more overwhelmed than usual. Apparently the nurse at the clinic messed up my order for my medication and have to wait another month for it.

My first starbucks experience

My first starbucks experience

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Hi I’m sure you think this is no big deal but for me it is. Here in South Africa we didn’t have a Starbucks until recently. I’ve seen many movies where people are relaxing,  socializing and doing creative work on their laptops. That’s the experience I longed for.

Anyway that was just a dream for a while. A few weeks ago me and some friends decided to go to the mall and just chill and relax since it was such a boring night. Neither of us could drive so thank God for uber for taking us there.

So when we arrived there as we where walking into the mall, above us we saw a huge sign saying Starbucks. The time had arrived we had to try it and fulfill something I’ve dreamed about for a long time. I was surprised to see how busy it was. I ordered an original Starbucks hot chocolate and a Chocolate muffin.  When we went up stairs to get seated. It t was everything I imagined. The atmosphere was amazing.  People socializing,  people on their laptops in groups working on projects using wifi,  laptops and so on.

I could see myself here working on projects with my laptop as a graphic designer, but that’s a dream for another day 🙂