Hey online world I know it’s been a while. Money is tight for me right now. So even buying data is a privilege. Unfortunately I have to use carefully the little data I have. From December il only be able to use it for WhatsApp and blog and tweet once a month. Being unemployed is rough but not being able to help out at home is even worst.
I’m currently looking for a part time job which will be more manageable in my anxiety situation. Therapy is helping one step at a time. I only wish things would get better quickly. Also got a therapy session this Friday which I’m looking forward to.
Lately I’ve been trying to give my faith some influence in my life i guess there’s something comforting about knowing there’s a higher power looking out for you if you let it. So yeah I began to pray small prayers every morning. For some reason I just can’t bring myself to read my bible.
Also November is my birthday month so I’m hoping to celebrate that 🙂
Lately I found myself depressed by going on Facebook. The truth is I am a little jealous when I see how much people got going on, in their lives compare to mine. I know I sound petty. Maybe anxiety is to blame or I want to blame anxiety. Facebook shows me beautiful women that I know I can’t have. So much temptation.
So Facebook has been bad for my mental health and so I decided to deactivate it. I t’s been a few days and honestly I’m feeling better. Maybe it was an addiction to see my Facebook posts how many likes and comments I would get that would determine my worth. Sounds stupid but it’s how I felt because I needed something to make me like I was important. That I mattered. Sometimes I would check my Facebook every 5 to 10 minutes.
Hey bloggersphere its me living in my own little anxiety world filled of worries and stress. Doesn’t sound fun right! Cause it isn’t. This past weekend I almost found myself lashing out at my mom in anxious rage because my mind was going crazy with anxious thoughts. I could hear them so loud in my head and I’m trying to focus and my mom talking to me and it began to irritate me. I was wanted to shout shut up so the thoughts like voices would stop but it took everything in me not to lash out.
I’m worried how much more therapy do I need before I’m cured from this curse called anxiety. I’ve kept how I’ve been feeling inside for a long time and I need to let it out. Thank God I have my blog to record my thoughts. Honestly a diary app annoys me I prefer to write a blog post so people going through what I am can relate or even reach out. I sometimes get advice from an anxiety group on Facebook call ” Calmer You Community”. The groups Admin is a psychologist. Often helpful.
Still I’m also going for therapy once a month at a government hospital. I’m not sure how much more therapy I’m gonna need before I’m better. If things don’t change for me by this end of this year. I’m thinking of quitting my passion of graphic design and focus the new year on getting a regular job. Of course I will work hard from now till end of this year. If Gods favor be with me I will succeed. So right now God first, prayer, therapy and hope it all works out.
This past Thursday I was disappointed to learn my neighbour was moving! Why? Because I love their dog Jackie who always visits me as you made of read in my last post. The disturbing news I got was my neighbour wasn’t really moving but actually they got kicked out for not paying rent. They had some family issues when my neighbour retired from work he collected a substantial amount of money which he spent every last cent on luxuries and now broke.
I feel bad for them even though they brought it on themselves. The fear that someone’s life could change that drastically has instilled fear in me. This could be me one day if I don’t get my act together and overcome my anxiety. Also I can’t help but worry what’s gonna happen to my neighbour’s dog Jackie. Will they have to give her away or leave her to be homeless. Still can’t stop thinking about the dog. They don’t seem to care about their own dog. I even offered to help look after the dog this weekend. I wish I could keep the dog but my parents won’t let me because if will be to costly and I’m not working.
Life is scarier than ever for me. I wonder what tomorrow will hold…
I had to wake up early because I had an appointment with my psychologist. So I went to the hospital and came home about 2 in the afternoon. Finally got home getting out the car my mom tells me I must see my neighbours are moving cause all their stuff is outside. My dad went to see my neighbour and when he comes back, he confirms that they moving. It was a huge shock for me.
Why? Cause my neighbours Jack Russell dog whose name is Jackie spent most of its days at my house playing with me, eating here and stuff. So yes I’m attached to the dog like it is my own. To hear that I might not never see her again is heart breaking. I get along better with dogs than humans. This dog has been a good friend to me.
I know every morning Jackie will come and bite my feet and I’ll carry her. Sometimes she’s likes to bite my socks and take off and run. She’s cute like that. It hurts I can’t do anything about it. She’s not my dog 😦 this totally sucks. Don’t know how I’m going to get over this.
Hi it’s your friendly neighborhood blogger spiderman just kidding. I know I haven’t been consistent lately with my blog Posts. There’s a reason. If you read my blog or stumbled upon it you will know I have an anxiety disorder. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s takes a lot of effort to do the simplest of things like go outside, take a walk, visit a friend. It feels uncomfortable to leave my room. Even when my mom would clean my room I would get so angry because I just wanna go lay down on my bed and do nothing but think, worry and over analyze things.
Been thinking of suicide lately, that it is easier to skip the hard parts of my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with an anxiety life. I’m going for therapy but it’s to low progress if you ask me. I’m impatient now. I want a better life now. I want to be confident now. I want to be a talented, creative and successful graphic designer now.
I’ve been asking myself today why did I have to be born this way. Why did God make me so weak. I just don’t understand. Lately I just don’t care about things I loved like success, social networking, girls, friends, family. It’s like I’m emotionally numb. Guess being isolated in my room doesn’t make it any easier.
My Psychologist says I’m making progress but I don’t feel like it and he said things will get worst before they get better because my mind is used to being in a certain way and now I’m trying to change that. So it’s putting up a fight that’s why I’m in the state I am right now.
Anyway I thought I’d just share something to prove I’m still alive. Lol i know I suck at jokes. If you reading this advice is welcome please thank you.
Lately I’ve been feeling really pressured in all areas of my life ever since I’ve been to a neighbors funeral this past tuesday. Life is short and the day has only gotten shorter ever since I’ve set goals with deadlines. Anyway going to that funeral got me thinking! Right now in my life I’m a Loser to peoples standards. Still I want to achieve success in my parents life time, while they still alive. So much pressure comes with these thoughts.
Due to the pressure I’ve been designing poorly and feels I’ve taken steps back in life. This is frustrating as hell. I’m being stressed out. On top of that my brother won’t visit home because of his evil wife. This is hurting my dad which hurts me. I mean for father’s day not even a phone call or visit. Which father wouldn’t feel hurt and it hurts me to giving me anxiety and family pressure.
Also a few weeks ago I launched my website as a graphic designer to possibility use as a portfolio and draw in clients. Now that the site is done. I feel lots of pressure to design the perfect portfolio. This pressure isn’t good for me it’s just making me design Crappy designs and doubt myself slash abilities. Anyway sorry for the late post just been busy working on my design website.
Hey its me again. It’s finally the weekend and didn’t have much planned till a family friend invited my family for a birthday party. My mom wasn’t to well so I decided I’d go with my dad. I was really dreading going there. Like? Whom will I talk to. Hope we there not to long.
Finally we arrived there I was anxious to want to go home. I was feeling uncomfortable. Social anxiety you could say. Still I tried to pass time by trying to make conversations with the people I did know. It helped pass some time but not enough. Then I noticed a cute girl I didn’t know. I’ve kept trying to somehow cross paths to make a conversation with her but no luck.
Finally later that night she was outside alone I introduced myself and surprisingly the conversation was flowing like I didn’t have to try. This has never happened to me before. We also had a lot In common. We both loved anime, comic books, the same tvshows and so on. We clicked, for me that’s a rare thing. I knew this girl was amazing and I had to get to know her better. So some how I have the courage to ask her for her WhatsApp number I even gave her my phone to enter it.
The only problem was when I messaged her only to realized she added a fake number. Cause the profile has been used in a week and I saw her use her WhatsApp last night and the profile pic was of a baby of different race and my messages weren’t going through. I was so heart broken I mean I really liked this girl and she gave me a fake number. That’s so mean. I don’t know if I can ever ask a women out or for her number again 😦
It’s Saturday not so much a yay day. I’m actually bored out of my my mind. Usually my neighbour’s dog Jackie a Jack Russell visits us every day but today she’s nowhere around. Also no friends in sight. Hey probably with their wives or girlfriends. I honestly don’t know what to do.
I did start writing a book. Only wrote 2 chapters it’s about anxiety. Still I’m not in the mood to do anymore writing or doing any graphic design. I want to go out. Somewhere! Anywhere but home. It’s feels like so confined and life has no meaning right now. Maybe if I had money or a girl friend. Time would be better spent.
I think I’m just gonna sleep now. I’m feeling so lazy and down. It’s dam so hot also. I know I’m complaining about nothing. Maybe I’m just frustrated that my hard work is not paying off or the fact that i have so many Facebook friends and WhatsApp contacts and nobody will talk…
Last night was kinda a special night. A friend of mine made a movie and had a premier for it. I went with him to show my support and I’m glad I did. It was a great event. Red carpet, photographers, selfies with actors and actresses. The atmosphere was amazing. Oh and not to forget the free popcorn and coke.
Even though I had a fall out with this friend in the past due to personal issues. I’ve learnt to forgive and forget. To be honest I was a little jealous last night not of him but of him being brave enough to go for his dreams despite set back after set back. He persevered. It makes me also now not wanna give up.
I think my favorite part of the night was hanging out with beautiful actress. If only they where single I hoped. Surprisingly I wasn’t shy. I made small talk without being nervous. It was definitely a night to remember. My only regret is that I don’t have any photos to share. As you know I love sharing my life with you guys my readers.