Physically ill because of anxiety

Physically ill because of anxiety

Hey guys I haven’t been feeling all to great lately. My stomach feel like a punching bag. I’ve been feeling so anxious and uneasy in the stomach. I didn’t think stopping my anxiety medication would have such a huge effect on me. I’ve honestly been terrified because my mind has been playing out my worst feeling in overdrive. I have these over whelming worst case scenario thoughts. It honestly feels like hopelessness. I don’t mean be so negative. I can’t help how I’m feeling.

I’m feeling so alone cause no one understands what I’m going through or what I’m feeling. It’s for the best maybe. I hate when anxiety overwhelms you and all logic goes out the window. You can’t make any sense of your life. I guess things have gotten so hectic I stopped praying. Anxiety showed me my worst fears come true if I don’t get a job soon or if my parents may pass on. I’d be pretty much screwed. Cause I can’t think logically anymore lately. I honestly need someone to tell me what I should do. I’m so scared.

It’s times like these that you begin to question weather or not God is real. I think I may need to start taking my medication again but not everyday and ease off the medication slowly. I would also appreciate any prayers my way. I honestly do need all the help I can get. Sorry wish this post was more encouraging. Life is unpredictable when you don’t have security I think. I just hope that my next post will be more positive.

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Going off my anxiety medication

Going off my anxiety medication

Hey its me it’s the first of march so fast. Decided to make some major decision starting with going off my anxiety medication. I just feel that I have taken them for so long and it hasn’t really changed my life in the way I hoped for. Maybe my expectation was to high on taking theses meds. I admit its been challenging to adapt. It’s been 6 days without meds and I am feeling a bit sick, uneasy on the stomach. On the good side I have been able to feel again and not so feeling so emotionally numb.

Only lately I’ve felt like the effects of my anxiety medication where hurting me. Sometimes when I woke up I would feel so groggy and like my brain had just taken a beating. Best sides I will still go for therapy and I’ve read many people have overcome anxiety without their meds. So these hope right!? Well my readers haven’t given up on me so there’s at least one reason not to give up. There where many times where I thought it’s time to stop this blog. Maybe no one even cares about what I’m writing about. So I been checking the wordpress stats and I have many readers. Even if there are no comments. I have an audience. Also I get 1 or 2 new followers every time I write a post. So you guys my readers have helped me kept me motivated enough to still continue my blog. So thank you.

I’ve tried green tea since I read a lot about how many good benefits it has. I haven’t felt those effects since been only a few days but I do hope it helps. Anyway just though I’d share my thoughts and what I’ve been through lately. Have an awesome weekend.

To be happy then not!

To be happy then not!

Hi its been a while it’s hard for me to be consistent to write blog posts and consistency is key for me to overcome my mental health disorder. I’ve been quite happy for a while then something usually comes and kills that joy. I’m sure many of you may of experienced that. Like yesterday there was an issue with my brother. His being controlled by his wife and not allowed to visit our family. His wife always causes a fight just usually before Christmas or one of our birthdays and today is my mom’s. Yesterday I was so upset because my brother hurt my mom and dad. It really upsetted me. Almost had a panic attack. Had to practice my breathing exercises to Calm myself down. In that moment I remembered something my therapist said. He said no point worrying about something you have no control over. The only thing you really do have control over is your actions.

I was gonna write a nasty post about my sis in law, about how evil she can be but I decided not to because I don’t wanna be like her. Even though I have no control over my brothers actions. It does worry me that he doesn’t visit us. Cause I don’t have much family. Most of them aren’t alive anymore. Only have 1 aunt an like 5 cousins which I hardly see. So yeah family for me is important. Cause it’s all you have left in the world that matters not money.

So after this upset it seems I deviated from my therapy advice and steps because my emotions took over. I think I need to put energy now into networking and connecting with the right people in life, building a better relationship with God. Also building my own confidence and making myself a successful graphic designer.

Also again its my mom’s birthday and want it to be special and not for anyone to spoil it. So looking forward to some birthday cake and sweet treats and just celebrating what is important. I know how much my mom and dad have done for me despite my conditions. So today I gonna choose to be happy.

Cyber bullied

Cyber bullied

Today I Intended to write an entirely different post since its been a while but something happened today that shattered my confidence. For most of you who follow my blog you know I’m a freelance graphic designer and for those who don’t. Now you do. So on facebook I joined a group for graphic designers a long time now. So sometimes when I design a logo or something for a client. I post it on the group hoping to get feedback or some constructional criticism.

Today that didn’t happen. Hell broke loose. So today I was attacked and the criticism was towards me instead of my work. First I was called a liar then accused to stealing other people’s work and then from there it just got worse. I even asked them what is wrong with my work and what should I do to improve it. They wouldn’t hear it. Couple people starting trashing me. I was feeling hurt and replied and it just made it worse. Then emotionally I started loosing control. Broke into a panic attack. Thank God my parents where in the lounge watching tv. This is not something I want to talk to with my parents about. It’s hard enough having anxiety I don’t wanna trouble them anymore than I should.

This made me think. Maybe I’m not as talented as I thought as a graphic designer. Maybe it’s time to give up. Honestly I’m not feeling all to good about graphic design. I don’t need anymore anxiety than I already have. Only problem is I love the creating stuff when it came to design but not all the other shit that goes with it. I don’t think I’m gonna post anything for a while now or ever when comes to design.

Fasting and prayer

Fasting and prayer

Hey its me and you probably know I’m not the religious type but believe in God. Anyway our church has been fasting for 21 days and next week Tuesday the fast will end. Honestly I haven’t really had much faith in fasting. Cause went everyone fasts. They seem to do it and they either have some sort of encounter with God or the thing they been praying for comes through. I on the other hand haven’t had those experiences. I’m like Thomas the apostle.  Because I have not seen you I do not believe. Maybe that’s my flaw. Faith its self feels like a gamble. You hope for something not knowing how or if it’s gonna happen.

Still I did the fast every year despite not seeing the hopes I wanted come true. I’ve been blinded by big dreams. I forgot to be thankful for the little steps God has brought me along the way. The process of growing like a tree can’t be rushed I realised. I don’t understand why I have been detached from the world with my anxiety. That I don’t have the business I wanted yet or able to drive or date or be married by now. The truth is if I did have these things I wouldn’t be able to cope and handle these things yet.

So I over looked that. I need time to grow into these roles. To be a good husband. Deal with my anxiety and the things it prevents me from doing like driving. There’s so many things. I know I have to follow a path and today I realised that talking to a childhood friend. Her support means a lot and she always believed in me even when I didn’t. When we where younger I always looked up to her because she is incredibly smart. People would also always tease us that we would get married one day because we where so close as kids.

I can’t begin to understand what God is doing. His setting up a bigger stage for me in life. I look at my present and it looks defeated. I can’t see what God sees. So I guess faith is still a bit of a challenge for me. So prayer has become the foundation and fasting helps connect me with God.

Finding pieces of life

Finding pieces of life

If anyone knows struggle its waking up on a Monday morning going to a job you probably hate. Of course it isn’t the case with everyone some people do love their job its just the stress and deadlines that can sometimes make you hate what you do. Being in therapy for a while has given me some perspective on how the mind works but not enough yet to overcome my anxiety yet.

So as my title says finding pieces so I can put my life together. The thing with anxiety or insecurity you always waiting for when you feel good enough. That perfect moment where you motivated but life doesn’t work like that. We all struggle weather its anxiety, financially,  socially,  sickness and so on. We all tend to put our lives on pause when these struggles hit us.

That’s why keeping a diary helps me keep track of my thoughts. It was recommended by my therapist. Only problem is that sometimes I get so caught up in worries and how I’m gonna get more clients or gonna get a job because these things slip my mind. So I use an app to remind me to do things. I used to be embarrassed that I needed to be reminded for simple tasks but I came to realise it’s for my own good.

This year I think the piece of my life I need to sort out is to challenge myself more. After some failures and countless panic attacks the unknown territory has been somewhere I really don’t want to put myself. It’s why I choose to be single. It’s also probably why I’m unemployed to. Anxiety is like if you had a bad experience with something and you made up your mind that thing is bad and you will never try it again.

Lately I’ve become more social getting out of the house more. Talking to people. Reconnection with society because it’s not the same over the phone. Like instant messengers are not so instant. yet people can take so long to reply. So being more social in person has certainly been good for me.

Now the real challenge is for me to overcome my ability cope in a work environment. Truth is I’m good with information. Problem is when I’m anxious and I don’t know what to do with it. It’s like tunnel version. You feel so overwhelmed that you only see what anxiety wants you to see. Also at a job there’s no time to pause and do breathing exercises to Calm down. If anyone I know or knew personally wondering why my life isn’t together yet. Just know that having an anxiety disorder has made life harder for me. Things that are normally easy for others are harder for me.

Screw anxiety I will move forward somehow step by step.

My first therapy session for 2019

My first therapy session for 2019

This morning I woke up early. A little nervous about my 1st therapy session for this year. I haven’t been in therapy for about 3 month and cancelled my session for last December because I had gotten into a fight with my mom. Who is frustrated with me both out of concern and annoyed that nothing is working for me to get better from my anxiety. So I’m burdened with this feeling of guilt and hatred for myself. If only I was smarter I’d have a job and be further along in my life. Anyway I had a lot to think about on my way to therapy.

So finally my therapy session started and I tried my best to remember the things that are affecting me and poured my heart into this session. It seems I have made my therapy sessions about getting a job instead of focusing on the causes and solutions of my anxiety and getting a wrong result so far.
Guess because of these hard times I’m desperate to get a job that’s why I made my therapy session about getting a job.

Anyway we got past that today in my session and realized that I will never be able to function in a work place until I deal with my anxiety. The first behaviour changes in my life I have to make is to reconnect with society. Why?  Because of my anxiety I have withdrawn myself from the world. I hate going out. Hate leaving my house longer that I have to like when going to church and my parents go shopping after church. I don’t like making conversations with people because I feel like I have nothing to say or worried when people gonna ask me why I’m not working for so long. I hate having to have to explain myself to everyone all the time. I like being alone most of time with my stupid thoughts.

So yeah my therapist said I need to ease myself back into society and start living again an be consistent. Meeting people. Having conversations. Getting out of the house more. Doing more. Also as a smart goal in session I made that I have to meet up with 2 graphic designers in person and have a conversation with them before next month therapy session. So I’m hoping my friend Zak is reading this and maybe try and reach out to his cousin who is a graphic designer to visit him and arrange a meet to talk shop. I’m not sure if I’m able to get this smart goal done but my therapist wants me to make an effort and network. Despite the challenge of this goal I’m quite satisfied with today’s session and there where a lot more things we spoke about in depth. Things like my triggers and insights to my anxiety. Well I can honestly say today was a lot to take in. So let’s hope this starts the process to change in my life.

Also sorry for the many typos in my previous post and if they are any typos in this post. Thank you readers for sticking things out with me.