The thoughts of an anxious man!

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Hey guys I’m sure you noticed I haven’t blogged in a while. Truth is I’m having a hard time dealing with recently being unemployed! Also having a hard time gathering my thoughts. Right now my mind all over the place. Also I’m a little disappointed last month I went to the hospital and the doctor gave me a letter to go see a psychologist. Because my anxiety has gotten that bad.

The hospital suppose to call me regarding my appointment with the psychologist but they didn’t, so last week I went to the hospital and they told me that the doctor was on holiday and will come back next monday which is today and that the doctor will call me today, which they didn’t once again. But the nurse who helped me said if no one has phoned me on monday by 1 o clock I must phone her. She gave me her number.

I spent most of my monday anxious waiting for that call, with bad scenarios in my head that they forgot or something happen that they can’t see me. My stomach was in knots being so anxious. So I waited and no one called I’m so frustrated. I waited till 1:15pm to phone the hospital. When I finally got through the nurse who helped me answered and said the doctor/psychologist is in a meeting and she has given him the message and they will call me. Fuck I’m mad! Excuse my language. To be honest I thought I’d finally get my appointment when I called. I’m suffering so much and they don’t even care how I feel.

Anyway I thank God an hour later they called and made my appointment. I know therapy won’t cure me but its a step forward to getting over my anxiety. So I’m feeling a little relieved now.

The wall before me!

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Hi my blog family I’m sure you guessed from my title of this post. You know I’m talking about the challenges I’m facing in my life right now and I thought a wall would be the best way to describe my situation. This huge wall is blocking my way to success. On this wall is engraved things such as “lack of confidence, fear of failure, anxiety, depression, loneliness, it will never work out, you not good enough”.

You could say I’m unemployed as of this month. So I feel stuck. Especially when you lose that stability of having a job and the world becomes a more scarier place. Jobs are hard to come by and I’m looking at my options they aren’t good. Even if I got a job my anxiety is so bad and learning something new will make me fall apart, get fired on the job and fall into a deep depression.

I’ve been reading online of alternative ways of making money! Its not my style making passive income but its seems worth a try. Selling graphics online. I’m not looking to get rich quick but I am looking to work hard so I make a fair amount of money and feel like I’ve accomplished something.

That aside I haven’t found a single shred of inspiration to design anything lately. I’ve been in this depressed slump. I know there are few people who believes in me and I want to meet their expectations but its so hard just getting started. Monday I was so messed up mentally I was in bed 80% of the day. Then a old childhood friend whatsapp me telling she was thinking of me and wanted to know how I was feeling. I told her everything and she really encouraged me showing there is hope. She even called me and prayed with me which was great because I’ve never had much support in my life.

Also my friend Zak is always there for me giving me advice when we have our mastermind sessions. I’m not sure how to face this wall before me. I’m sure many of you go through something similar. Love to hear how some of you overcame your problems. As for me right now I’m just going to try something new and see how it works out.

God’s Plan is there such a thing?

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Yesterday morning I woke up deep in thought. Wondering about the direction my life is going. I began to ask myself, is this part of Gods plan for me. I wasn’t sure. I even had a discussion with my friend Zak just to hear his point of view on the subject. He said maybe if he was more spiritual maybe would be easier to believe that there is such a thing as God plan. We both have been distance in our faith in God. We realised as talking our faith is really in self confidence and technology that eventually let us down. That is why I am lost.

While talking with Zak I was telling him maybe God has a plan for us because what happen to me. last I was unemployed and just lost my Dog brandy that year. I was devastated, close to suicide and had nothing to live for. Then an opportunity came a job. Not just any job but a job I could do, a job I am happy doing. It was thanks to zak for helping get this job but the timing was perfect. As I worked there focused on work I loved doing. It became a little easier getting through the loss of my Dog ‘Brandy’. Also talking about God plans. Even though I’m a graphic designer. While working there I learnt things you could never learn in a book and I got real world experience of how the industry works. So I am also grateful for that.

This month is exactly a year I’ve been working there. I’m not sure if I’d be employed there any longer so makes me wonder what’s God’s plan for me now!

Is it back to the unemployment line?

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Lately I’ve been stressed because I haven’t been called into work because there isn’t much work to do. So last week tuesday I received an email from my manager saying they will call me in when the work is ready for me to do. I’m kinda anxious because, my dad is asking me all these questions when I’m going back to work etc. I can tell his worried weather this job is gonna last which also made me start to worry about the same thing.

To be honest it feel good that I had some stability this last year because this month is exactly a year I’ve been working at this company. Also now that I’m working I feel a little more confident in myself. Because when I was unemployed there where times I would lie and tell people I’m working from home just so I wouldn’t feel ashamed. Also now that I’m working my parents are proud of me and have respect for me. I remember the dark days of having them look down on me thinking I’m useless and lazy. I don’t ever want to go back there.

Besides being employed helps around the house. In terms of my dreams I haven’t taken any actions because I’m comfortable where I’m at. Besides writing this post I’ve been so depressed since this weekend been in my room and bed all day. I was trying to be positive and its not easy when you not motivated. I guess I blame myself for no being more prepared. I knew this job wouldn’t last forever but some how I forgotten that along the line or my mind is just over reacting.

Taking a time out!

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Hey guys I’ve been thinking life has gotten so hectic and I need a break from it. So I decided to take a time out. Today is the first time I’ve taken a day for myself. I took the bus to town did some errands, after that I decide to have a relaxing lunch. Somewhere I never ate before. I decided to try this restaurant called Galito’s. They made Grilled chicken. I order a burger with chips and something to drink.

I just enjoyed being in the moment eating that burger not thinking about anything or anyone. No anxiety, no depression. Man that burger was delicious. Life felt good for once. I didn’t want to rush home straight away I did some window shopping and after walking off that delicious meal I treated myself for some dessert. Sometimes I think why can’t life always be like this. Why do l have to go back home.

So half the day did go by. Finally got home had some tea. Got an email from work saying I don’t have to come in this week my work isn’t ready for me. I was like what? This is the best day ever. So later today I visited a friend. We chatted about our lives and goals etc. He gave me some movies and anime to watch.

Today was blessed day and just had to post since I haven’t posted lately. also I’ve taken a break from graphic design and designed I’m just going to do it for fun for a short while and find that passion once again. Anyway thanks for reading and supporting me always. Love you all. God bless🙂

Where did my emotions go?

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Hey guys I’m sorry about this I’m not in a good space lately. I’m feeling kinda drained out. I just don’t have the motivation or energy to do anything. I’m getting bored easily. I can’t sit still. It feels like I’m being pressured by my own mind. Over crowded with thoughts and makes me feel like I’m going insane. I don’t seem care about anything these days.

Can’t remember the last time I texted my friends without them texting me first. I’ve become so antisocial. I’m completely burnt out. All I want to do is sleep whole day and hope I wake up to a life where everything feels good. I don’t really know what caused me to fall back into depression but all I know is! I need to get a way from my job, home and just go on a holiday where I don’t have to think about anything.

Its feels I just wanna die right now! Crazy I know! This is kinda of an out bust but writing how I’m feeling when I’m feeling that way helps say the truth. Maybe I will get over this or maybe I won’t. Clearly I’m having a break down or some sort. Guess I’m saying is. Be patient with me.

Is it time to think about marriage?

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Hey its me again and yesterday I had an interesting conversation with my co-worker. She mentioned something about marriage and that I shouldn’t wait to long. Because our parents won’t be around forever. Surprisingly what she said kinda woke me up to reality that I’ve been ignoring for to long.

The thought of not having my parents around is something I could never imagine. It made me think! The problem is, I like being single and so set in those ways. Also focusing only on my work right now. Still what she said really got to me. I mean I’m 31 and going to be 32 in November. So I am getting old. Who would take care of me if my parents weren’t around? I mean I don’t want to be a burden to my sister and my brothers well they don’t even visit these days. So should I start looking for a wife? Where do I start. Will I? make a good husband.

I haven’t dated in a while not seriously anyway. Where do I start finding someone that interests me and doing the same for them. Just feels like I have become more responsible these days and that’s so not me. I’m so used to my parents making all those decisions. So life is feeling a lot more real to me these days and that’s scary.