I woke up this morning thinking today is filled with possibilities and opportunities. You know I’m trying to keep that positive mindset. I pray and do my best to let go of my anxieties and fears and leave it to God. Later though my mind reminds what opportunities! You unemployed. You suck and if you don’t change your life now. You’ve not gonna make it. You will be alone.
Even though I despise my anxiety, but this time I can’t ignore the fact this could become a reality. Accepting my anxiety thoughts. With a harsh reality in the back of my mind its hard to be positive. I’ve already applied for jobs and still no replies. I some how feel like it’s my fault because I’m sending out negatively energy or something.
There are many conclusions in my mind.
Now I need a plan to change my life I’ve set many goals. I achieved some and others just seem out of my reach. Also getting a job as a goal is not possible because! You can say this month I’m gonna get a job and you can do all you can but if nobody will hire you then it’s out of your control or I just really suck at goal setting.
So I’ve had good advice given to me. Been for therapy. So if I’m nowhere still! does this mean my anxiety predictions of my future is possible? Or am I being deceived by my anxiety again.
Today for the first time I can honestly say I was happy being surrounded by family and loved ones. Wishes from my close friends and family. Oh even lots of facebook friends sent me birthday wishes. Today I felt like I had some worth. A day I can truly celebrate and not feel guilty about it.
I was happy that blessing where prayed upon me. Giving me a sense of hope like things are going to finally work out. I’m so tired after having a braai for supper. I’m so stuffed I can’t eat anymore. I ate so much grilled chicken and cake I feel like a whale. This is good. Getting so caught up in the moment and being happy that there was no place for anxiety today.
You know that feeling when you hurting and angry with the world you just need to blame something for it. To get some kind of closure. Regardless, Closure isn’t gonna help my life. I’ve been thinking. If I knew I had anxiety back in school maybe I could of improved my focus and contrition to well. Get some kinda help back then, but instead I failed my matric because I sucked at Afrikaans and that failed me to. Due to that I believed I wasn’t smart enough and it echoed throughout my life. When ever things get to hard. That feeling and voice is telling me . You can’t do it . You’re not smart enough. Which builds up to being overwhelmed and panic. It’s how I often gotten panic attacks.
So lately I have been blaming a past I cannot change. How stupid of me right. Well that’s what anxiety does to you. It blinds you with one issue to avoid another. Now that I think about it anxiety is one devious disorder. So what’s my thought process Thanks to anxiety. Well I didn’t get my matric so gonna have a hard time getting a job and if I do get a job I’m not smart enough to hold on to it. How fucked up is that. It’s technically like a mental prison. I could go on and on about how bad anxiety has been to me but maybe in a book one day.
Count yourself lucky if you have a relationship. Working in a job regularly because some of us have a hard time doing what comes easy to others. I envy the average worker who goes to work everyday and think I wish I could do that because he or she is good as their job that they are doing it for years.
Life is complicated. We all want something someone else has. Maybe not their life but their live style environment. I wish I could offer more hope on my blog but this anxiety battle is an on of thing.
Hi today I’m sure you read my post earlier about not having a brother to count on. Until tonight I may of gotten those facts wrong. My eldest brother finally came to see us tonight to pick up his clothes and stuff. Before leaving he told my mom everything why he doesn’t come here. Why he had to ignore us.
It seems my eldest brother wife is Is almost bipolar the way she behaves. She told my brother she hates us and actually getting violent about it. How she terrorize him. If my eldest brother has anything to do with us she throws fits and physically abusing my brother. He apologized to my mom, dad and myself and said sorry for everything. He also apologize that if he is anywhere, like in a mall or anywhere that he is forced to ignore us and must please forgive him because his wife will never allow it. She will give him hell if he makes any contact with us.
After hearing the truth behind his story it really made me cry to say goodbye also knowing I probably never gonna see him again. Life is so unfair. I think and ask myself how evil can a women can be to not let her husband visit his family.
Anyway I will miss having my eldest brother around. Just feel so hurt right now.
About a month a go my eldest brother who has forgotten his family visits us. This is shocking because his not allow to visit us because his wife says so. Then he goes on about and talks about how good his life is without ever caring how my parents are doing. He comes over like nothing wrong. Sometime like a year ago at my aunts funeral he ignored me and my entire family as his wife’s wishes. I can’t explain the anger I felt towards him.
2 weeks ago my brother shows up at our homes saying his having problems with his wife and wants to stay at my home. My mom and dad are soft hearted sometimes and as Christians we are thought to forgive. Which my parents have done. The first few days I tried avoiding talking to him as much as I could. Cause in the end I know he will just leave and abandon our family again never to visit.
By the end of the week I let my feelings of hatred go and talk a little to him. 2 weeks now has passed and it been good until today. Before I explained that. My mom told my eldest brother if his staying here he has to pay board cause they are pensioners and everything from lights, water and food is expensive that his using here. So yesterday he got paid and gave my mom the money for living here. Later today he went shopping and bumped into his wife at the mall and she was furious that my brother has given my parents money for staying here and his wife said she wants the money back now. My parents also went shopping to and spent most of it.
Now my brother is probably go back to his home and never to return because his wife’s doesn’t allow him to visit here. So my heart is broken again. Don’t think I trust my eldest brother again.
I’m frustrated with myself these days. I just can’t find a reason or the energy to be excited for anything. I don’t know what this means but it’s makes me mad. I want that feeling as a kid when you get a new toy or present. Like a playstation or new phone. Just something new to be excited for. This feeling what is it. Has anxiety and depression robbed me from happiness to.
Every day just feels like I’m just getting through each day waiting for the day il die and be put out of my misery. Guess after watching a video about entrepreneurship I’ve gotten discouraged and feel like there’s no way I can work for myself as a graphic designer. There’s no hope in this field of work. They are so many better designers than me. Who would be in their right mind to choose me to do their designs I feel.
When you get your hopes broken. It’s like having a miscarriage I’d imagine. Where that hope you have dies. I’m afraid like never before. Not only is my anxiety affecting my work ability but my relationship and social life to. So I feel trapped. The only thing I had to look forward to was meeting up with friends every Friday night but that came to an end to. I hate keeping all this negativity inside me it’s why i write posts like these to relieve myself a little.
If you can offer any advice. Don’t forget to comment.
I never knew the term what is going cold turkey till a friend told me. Anyway my mom and many religious people, Assume I’m an addict to my anxiety medication. So on the spur of the moment I decided to go off my anxiety meds for just over a week to prove to myself I’m not an addict.
Day1 : was okay didn’t think much of it.
Day2: things began to get complicated. Feeling such as fear and hopelessness have become magnified. I had trouble sleeping because I was terrified to falling asleep in case criminals broke in. Fear of never succeeding or getting a job was crazy like never before. By the middle of the week I felt like I was going out of my mind.
Come end of the week I already had 2 panic attacks and threw up. Feeling very sick and noxious.
Maybe I am not addicted but I am helpless with out it. I need to find my faith or some way to start loving my life again.