I have ADHD? I feel stupid…

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Yesterday morning you won’t believe the mental break down I had! Why? ADHD happen! Been having trouble sleeping and my job as a graphic designer is stressing me out. My mind won’t work, can’t think of ideas, its like my brain is blank and I’m slow to learn anything. I feel rather dumb at times.

Yes its embarrassing for me to say that but I’m struggling to the point I want to give up on life! Because If I can’t do anything and my brain
can’t think. How am I suppose to live. I’m always anxious. Anxiety is killing me to. How does one live with this. I’m an emotional wreck. I had to write this and get it off my chest. We hide the truth so often about ourselves. Sometimes people need to know how hard it is to live with ADHD. We are not stupid. Just challenged.

Yesterday when I wrote more or less what I’ve said here on an ADHD facebook page. Therese Whitton is someone who comment and really inspired me by what she said her words I’d never forget. I made me want to believe myself

I quote and she said : I’m a graphic designer too and I know the feeling! At my previous job I was the only designer without a degree, and I was still learning every day. Constant anxiety and
depression spirals, crying in the bathroom, insomnia, snapped at coworkers, got reprimanded for facebooking…

it was a nightmare. Looking back I learnt a LOT during those few hellish years… an additional
programming language, getting comfortable with indesign and illustrator, how to delegate,
working in a team, and so much more. Each day of struggle and steep learning curves are going
to pay off a lot if you keep at it!

I ALWAYS felt like my mind was blank, but here’s the secret to design: no-one is completely original, EVERYONE gets ideas from
other people. Google examples, google design blogs, doodle on paper first, experiment.
Create a document with styles and colours thrown on just to test a look and feel (a style). Create mockups to test what the final product will look like. I now work freelance and so does my sister. She’s three years younger than me, and I’m still learning things from her. She has worked in more agency environments, somehow I always end up working for car parts companies!

You’ll be fine! The job stress can be SO tough, but you will grow more comfortable in time, always try to find an exciting angle, try to find the fun side…
Hope this helps a little.

After reading this I cried, not ever has anyone understood what I’m going through but Therese Whitton did. I was so blessed when she shared her advice. It gave me hope again.

Attended my 1st entrepreneur conference #startupgrind Durban

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Hi guys just want to say last night was the most epic night of my life. Why you ask? Because for the first time in my life I attended an entrepreneur convention. You won’t believe it but just the day before this event I got an email about this conference.  I wasn’t sure if it was for real or not but I knew I had to attend and booked my ticket right away.

So i arrived half hour earlier before everything started.  As I went in I noticed a lot of people around my age.  Some younger and older.  They all here looking to learn and grow their skills or business.  Never have I been in a room with so much positive energy.

So before the conference started I got to mingle and connect with like minded people in different fields.  The guy I met was a debt collector,  then a lawyer and other people with so many PhD’s.  It was quite overwhelming!  Because I’m only a graphic designer.  This beautiful women sitting across me asks me why so nervous.  I told that I’m overwhelmed being here with so many incredible people.  She told that I was an introvert.  We did talk more after the conference.  Also met women for Zimbabwe.  She to was very beautiful.  We chatted and talked about how we wanted to learn and improve ourselves and encouraging one another while having snacks that they sponsored.

Finally the conference started.  I’m anxious but excited.  So this speaker’s story really did inspire me because she used the Uber concept and applied to domestic workers.  Creating employment and at the same time making money.  I guess key point I learnt from the conference was good customer service is the key no matter what business.  People will want to use your service simply because they like how you take care of their needs.  I mean who can’t say no to that.

Finally the conference ended and I went to shake hands with the speaker and host to let them know what a great time I had and that I learnt something to apply in my own life.

Once again after the conference they gave desserts and giving people another chance to mingle.  I ate something chocolaty,  it was Devine. Then I spoke to girl whose a dentist and just needed some motivation and came to this conference for that very thing.  Positive energy vibed all across the room.  I honestly didn’t want to leave.  It was an opportunity of a lifetime for me.  Never have I networked like this before.  I also had the opportunity to give out a few of my business cards.

So finally got home tired and satisfied.  Feeling good about myself.  Came in my room Laying on my bed logged onto Facebook and the pretty girl from Zimbabwe invites me to be friends. We chatted a bit about how great the experience was and said that we should keep in touch.

Just thought I’d share my epic experience with my blog family.  Also changed the theme of my blog.  It’s time for some changes I guess.  Anyway thanks for reading and if you was at #startupgrind Durban Google for entrepreneurs conference last night and reading this.  Comment,  email,  tweet me.  Love to connect with you.

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She’s so beautiful my new co worker crush!

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Today I went to work early. As I always do.  When I went into work I couldn’t help but notice there’s this hot attractive women sitting near my office.  My co-worker ‘Pretty’  and yes her name is pretty.  She introduced me to my new co worker.  It was her first day on the job. She was sweet,  friendly and smart.  Was great chatting to her.  Her name is Julie she said.  I thought it is a cute name but i couldn’t tell her.  I didn’t want her to think I’m hitting on her on her 1st day of work.  For me it was a crush at first sight.  Until I asked her how she travels to work and she said her husband dropped her off. Right there and then my crush,  or lust was just crushed.

I was so disappointed.  The fact that she’s married there’s no hope for me.  Still I like to get to know her better because she’s not only beautiful but has a good personality.  Also love to just have a good conversation with her if,  I can’t have sex with her that is.

Is it so wrong to want a friend or lover to be a newly hired co worker. Well guess time will tell how this will go.  So I have to put aside my lusy crush and be professional after all I have to work with her.

Finally printed my 1st set of business cards

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Find Me On Behance

Hi I know it’s been a while since I posted anything positive but I actually do have good news.  I finally printed my first set of business cards.  I’m sure for most of you this isn’t anything special.  For me this is a huge deal.  Investing in myself.  I finally feel like an entrepreneur now.

I’m actually quite nervous now that I printed out my business cards.  It feels like I’m finally moving forward.  Sure I don’t expect business to be over flowing but I do believe it’s a starting point.

A special thanks to zak khan for pushing me. Encouraging me when I wanted to give up.  Also like to thank God for blessing me with many opportunities to learn more about graphic design and exploring this field.

Getting lonelier with age!

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Today as I woke up listening to a song.  I became quite emotional.  Basically I started to feel lonely. As the days, months and years are going by I’m seeing friends and family less and lesser. I can’t describe this feeling of loneliness.  It makes me feel sick and empty at times.

I wish i could turn back time.  The days when life was less complicated. No responsibilities.  Just going out and having fun. Unfortunately we can’t go back to those days.  Friends have kids others getting engaged.  Their lives are busy.  I’m happy for them,  they my friend.  I just miss them.

As for family.  My brother can’t visit us his wife hates our family and won’t let him visit us.  My sister lives a bit far off so I see her at church or special occasions like birthdays etc.  Still even when we do get together the family!  We couldn’t be further apart.  Everyone’s on their phones chatting to someone else. That’s why I miss my dogs so much because when nobody was around they was always there for me.  Now that they gone I’m still heart broken over it.  What must I do life must go on. 

The worst part of my life I’m the single guy in bunch of friends.  Haven’t been in love since high school.  How lame is that.  I just think with age comes loneliness. Guess I was feeling more lonely that I realized writing this post.

My 1st entrepreneur sales pitch

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Today I decided to finish work early so that I could go to a printing firm to get a quote for business cards that I’m designed and other quotes for flyers brochures.  Because I’m a graphic designer whose starting up and looking for a printing press where I can take my designs when I have clients. To be honest I was nervous. Anxious as hell to the point I almost stop myself from approaching the company.

Finally I went in the company and spoke to a consultant. As for my sales pitch! He was asking a butch of questions I wasn’t sure I could answer because I was feeling so overwhelmed, wondering what his thinking of me. Does he think I’m so loser taking a chance or am I really serious.

When it was my turn to speak I thought I was gonna blank out but the words just came out. Saying what I needed to say. How I wanted business cards brochures, flyers the works. Even I was a little impressed. Things went well but only to find out that the printing company doesn’t do the stuff I need printed. They mostly do large banners and printing on large material only and so on!

Even though it may of seemed like a loss I did gain a little confidence being able speak out the way I did. Usually I’m timid. So I finally took a step to entrepreneurship to me. Feels good and will keep on taking  baby steps till my graphic design freelance work earns me a living. So that I can work for myself on a permanent basis.

Turning down a job offer!

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I’m sure a lot of people are thinking! Is he insane. Its a tough economy. ‘His turning down a job’. To be honest I’m going crazy thinking about it. Its a job I have no experience in, for the same amount pay at my current job. Only upside to the job they offer benefits and the job will be more permanent.

So why didn’t I take the job! Cause I’m a slower learner anything out of my depth causes me anxiety. My previous job I was asked why am I so stupid while having a panic attack. This was caused because I wasn’t learning the job fast enough. The unknown not having control makes me anxious building up anxiety.

If you judging me don’t! You don’t know what’s it’s like to live with a mental disability. Living in fear. Unable to trust your own thoughts or make a decision without feeling regret all the time. Its often why I had avoided working for a long time. I prefer working as a freelance graphic designer where I can work at my own pace, its what got me this job and also by the help of a friend.

Getting a new job is scary for me. Especially when I don’t know anything about it and have to magically learn it on the spot. I can’t do miracles. I wish I was a fast learner with a high self esteem but I’m not. Sometimes I wonder why I was made this way. Its really weird I think but!  I am who I am.