Saying Goodbye to my eldest brother

Saying Goodbye to my eldest brother

Hi today I’m sure you read my post earlier about not having a brother to count on. Until tonight I may of gotten those facts wrong. My eldest brother finally came to see us tonight to pick up his clothes and stuff. Before leaving he told my mom everything why he doesn’t come here. Why he had to ignore us.

It seems my eldest brother wife is Is almost bipolar the way she behaves. She told my brother she hates us and actually getting violent about it. How she terrorize him. If my eldest brother has anything to do with us she throws fits and physically abusing my brother. He apologized to my mom,  dad and myself and said sorry for everything. He also apologize that if he is anywhere, like in a mall or anywhere that he is forced to ignore us and must please forgive him because his wife will never allow it.  She will give him hell if he makes any contact with us.

After hearing the truth behind his story it really made me cry to say goodbye also knowing I probably never gonna see him again. Life is so unfair. I think and ask myself how evil can a women can be to not let her husband visit his family.

Anyway I will miss having my eldest brother around. Just feel so hurt right now.

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Why don’t I have a brother I can count on

Why don’t I have a brother I can count on

About a month a go my eldest brother who has forgotten his family visits us.  This is shocking because his not allow to visit us because his wife says so. Then he goes on about and talks about how good his life is without ever caring how my parents are doing. He comes over like nothing wrong. Sometime like a year ago at my aunts funeral he ignored me and my entire family as his wife’s wishes. I can’t explain the anger I felt towards him.

2 weeks ago my brother shows up at our homes saying his having problems with his wife and wants to stay at my home. My mom and dad are soft hearted sometimes and as Christians we are thought to forgive. Which my parents have done. The first few days I tried avoiding talking to him as much as I could. Cause in the end I know he will just leave and abandon our family again never to visit.

By the end of the week I let my feelings of hatred go and talk a little to him. 2 weeks now has passed and it been good until today. Before I explained that. My mom told my eldest brother if his staying here he has to pay board cause they are pensioners and everything from lights, water and food is expensive that his using here. So yesterday he got paid and gave my mom the money for living here. Later today he went shopping and bumped into his wife at the mall and she was furious that my brother has given my parents money for staying here and his wife said she wants the money back now. My parents also went shopping to and spent most of it.

Now my brother is probably go back to his home and never to return because his wife’s doesn’t allow him to visit here. So my heart is broken again. Don’t think I trust my eldest brother again.

What do I live for?

What do I live for?

I’m frustrated with myself these days. I just can’t find a reason or the energy to be excited for anything. I don’t know what this means but it’s makes me mad. I want that feeling as a kid when you get a new toy or present. Like a playstation or new phone. Just something new to be excited for. This feeling what is it. Has anxiety and depression robbed me from happiness to.

Every day just feels like I’m just getting through each day waiting for the day il die and be put out of my misery. Guess after watching a video about entrepreneurship I’ve gotten discouraged and feel like there’s no way I can work for myself as a graphic designer. There’s no hope in this field of work. They are so many better designers than me. Who would be in their right mind to choose me to do their designs I feel.

When you get your hopes broken. It’s like having a miscarriage I’d imagine. Where that hope you have dies. I’m afraid like never before. Not only is my anxiety affecting my work ability but my relationship and social life to. So I feel trapped. The only thing I had to look forward to was meeting up with friends every Friday night but that came to an end to. I hate keeping all this negativity inside me it’s why i write posts like these to relieve myself a little.

If you can offer any advice. Don’t forget to comment.

Going cold turkey without my anxiety meds

Going cold turkey without my anxiety meds

I never knew the term what is going cold turkey till a friend told me. Anyway my mom and many religious people, Assume I’m an addict to my anxiety medication. So on the spur of the moment I decided to go off my anxiety meds for just over a week to prove to myself I’m not an addict.

Day1 : was okay didn’t think much of it.
Day2: things began to get complicated.  Feeling such as fear and hopelessness have become magnified. I had trouble sleeping because I was terrified to falling asleep in case criminals broke in. Fear of never succeeding or getting a job was crazy like never before. By the middle of the week I felt like I was going out of my mind.

Come end of the week I already had 2 panic attacks and threw up. Feeling very sick and noxious.

Maybe I am not addicted but I am helpless with out it. I need to find my faith or some way to start loving my life again.

Believe in me!

Believe in me!

Hi I’m not sure if you ever watched one of those movies where! The parent tells their son of daughter. You can do anything I believe you can do it and I’ll support you in whatever you decide. Unfortunately in my case reality isn’t the same. I want to work hard and focus on becoming a successful graphic designer but to them it’s not important. When ever I’m designing anything I’m disturbed like a hundred times for little things. I loose my focus cause of my anxiety and it’s not easy to pick up where I left off. So I become so drained and stop designing.

Wish they would take my dreams seriously and my anxiety. Sometimes I feel so judged mentally wondering what they think of me and sometimes my anxiety exaggerates things. Support would mean the world but life isn’t like those movies. Honestly I’d give anything to have someone believe in me and constantly be there to encourage me. Guess I’m being selfish wanting a movie moment.

Don’t get me wrong my parents love me just that Hey have an old mentally because of their own up bringing. I love my parents to and wish the relationship could change to supportiveness instead of get any job and that’s life.

Back in therapy after ages

Back in therapy after ages

It’s been after 3 months that I’ve been back in therapy. Today’s session was good,  productive even. Learning what’s causing my anxiety. It’s mostly my core beliefs, that my thoughts process  when ever I do anything. It tells me I’m not smart enough or don’t have what it takes.

Also there’s been a lot of physical symptoms these few months. When I’m anxious I get this annoying cough. Also my stomach feels knotted. Thirdly I’m not sleeping at night. My mind is over thinking and analyzing my life. It seems now I need my to focus a lot on mindfulness my Psychologist suggests. Because I’m not living in the present moment because my anxiety is always trying to predict slash fear the future.

I have now an idea of what I must do. Today I’ve done something very stupid. I was joking with a friend and kinda hurt him in the processes. So Zak if you reading this I’m so sorry bro. I’m deeply sorry and promise nothing like that will ever happen again.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Lately I’ve been thinking of ways to raise a little money so I can work as a graphic designer from home without reporting to any boss. Cause of my anxiety disorder working for a boss and harsh work environments has been hard and embarrassing when you getting panic attacks on the job. Especially when you feel under pressure.

November 11th I turn 34 and still unemployed and need to do something with my life. Working at a company just hasn’t worked out as you just read. I’m kinda forced to turn to crowd funding here. I’m sure you noticed I hardly ever blog it’s because I have no money for data or Internet. So basically the money I wanna raise is so that I have money to pay for a decent Internet connection so I can do work online and even maybe make money from passive income as a graphic designer.

Of course none of that is gonna happen if I don’t have any money to go online. So I thought I’d write this post and see if it is a good idea to crowd fund or not.
Or if you would like to support me I want to raise a 100$ dollars.  So comment or email me on my blog. Thank you for reading my Blog.