I’ve been struggling

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Hi it’s your friendly neighborhood blogger spiderman just kidding. I know I haven’t been consistent lately with my blog Posts.  There’s a reason.  If you read my blog or stumbled upon it you will know I have an anxiety disorder. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed.  It’s takes a lot of effort to do the simplest of things like go outside,  take a walk,  visit a friend.  It feels uncomfortable to leave my room.  Even when my mom would clean my room I would get so angry because I just wanna go lay down on my bed and do nothing but think,  worry and over analyze things.

Been thinking of suicide lately,  that it is easier to skip the hard parts of my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with an anxiety life. I’m going for therapy but it’s to low progress if you ask me.  I’m impatient now.  I want a better life now. I want to be confident now. I want to be a talented, creative and successful graphic designer now.

I’ve been asking myself today why did I have to be born this way.  Why did God make me so weak. I just don’t understand.  Lately I just don’t care about things I loved like success,  social networking, girls, friends, family. It’s like I’m emotionally numb.  Guess being isolated in my room doesn’t make it any easier.

My Psychologist says I’m making progress but I don’t feel like it and he said things will get worst before they get better because my mind is used to being in a certain way and now I’m trying to change that.  So it’s putting up a fight that’s why I’m in the state I am right now.

Anyway I thought I’d just share something to prove I’m still alive.  Lol i know I suck at jokes.  If you reading this advice is welcome please thank you.

Feeling Pressured

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Lately I’ve been feeling really pressured in all areas of my life ever since I’ve been to a neighbors funeral this past tuesday. Life is short and the day has only gotten shorter ever since I’ve set goals with deadlines.  Anyway going to that funeral got me thinking! Right now in my life I’m a Loser to peoples standards.  Still I want to achieve success in my parents life time,  while they still alive.  So much pressure comes with these thoughts.

Due to the pressure I’ve been designing poorly and feels I’ve taken steps back in life.  This is frustrating as hell. I’m being stressed out.  On top of that my brother won’t visit home because of his evil wife.  This is hurting my dad which hurts me.  I mean for father’s day not even a phone call or visit.  Which father wouldn’t feel hurt and it hurts me to giving me anxiety and family pressure.

Also a few weeks ago I launched my website as a graphic designer to possibility use as a portfolio and draw in clients.  Now that the site is done.  I feel lots of pressure to design the perfect portfolio.  This pressure isn’t good for me it’s just making me design Crappy designs and doubt myself slash abilities. Anyway sorry for the late post just been busy working on my design website.

I met the perfect girl for me but!

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Hey its me again. It’s finally the weekend and didn’t have much planned till a family friend invited my family for a birthday party.  My mom wasn’t to well so I decided I’d go with my dad.  I was really dreading going there. Like?  Whom will I talk to.  Hope we there not to long.

Finally we arrived there I was anxious to want to go home.  I was feeling uncomfortable. Social anxiety you could say. Still I tried to pass time by trying to make conversations with the people I did know.  It helped pass some time but not enough.  Then I noticed a cute girl I didn’t know.  I’ve kept trying to somehow cross paths to make a conversation with her but no luck.

Finally later that night she was outside alone I introduced myself and surprisingly the conversation was flowing like I didn’t have to try.  This has never happened to me before.  We also had a lot In common.  We both loved anime,  comic books,  the same tvshows and so on.  We clicked,  for me that’s a rare thing.  I knew this girl was amazing and I had to get to know her better. So some how I have the courage to ask her for her WhatsApp number I even gave her my phone to enter it.

The only problem was when I messaged her only to realized she added a fake number.  Cause the profile has been used in a week and I saw her use her WhatsApp last night and the profile pic was of a baby of different race and my messages weren’t going through.  I was so heart broken I mean I really liked this girl and she gave me a fake number.  That’s so mean.  I don’t know if I can ever ask a women out or for her number again 😦

The most boring weekend ever!

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It’s Saturday not so much a yay day.  I’m actually bored out of my my mind.  Usually my neighbour’s dog Jackie a Jack Russell visits us every day but today she’s nowhere around.  Also no friends in sight.  Hey probably with their wives or girlfriends.  I honestly don’t know what to do.

I did start writing a book.  Only wrote 2 chapters it’s about anxiety.  Still I’m not in the mood to do anymore writing or doing any graphic design.  I want to go out.  Somewhere!  Anywhere but home.  It’s feels like so confined and life has no meaning right now.  Maybe if I had money or a girl friend.  Time would be better spent.

I think I’m just gonna sleep now.  I’m feeling so lazy and down.  It’s dam so hot also.  I know I’m complaining about nothing.  Maybe I’m just frustrated that my hard work is not paying off or the fact that i have so many Facebook friends and WhatsApp contacts and nobody will talk… 

Last night movie primer

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Last night was kinda a special night.  A friend of mine made a movie and had a premier for it. I went with him to show my support and I’m glad I did.  It was a great event. Red carpet,  photographers,  selfies with actors and actresses. The atmosphere was amazing. Oh and not to forget the free popcorn and coke.

Even though I had a fall out with this friend in the past due to personal issues. I’ve learnt to forgive and forget. To be honest I was a little jealous last night not of him but of him being brave enough to go for his dreams despite set back after set back. He persevered. It makes me also now not wanna give up.

I think my favorite part of the night was hanging out with beautiful actress. If only they where single I hoped.  Surprisingly I wasn’t shy.  I made small talk without being nervous. It was definitely a night to remember. My only regret is that I don’t have any photos to share.  As you know I love sharing my life with you guys my readers.

New anxiety medication! Prescribed

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Today I woke up about half past five this morning to go to the hospital to see the psychiatric doctor.  The worst thing about going to a government hospital is the long lines in front of you.  It’s why I had to wake up so early to beat the crowd so I can get a good spot in the line to see the psych doctor. 

Minutes felt like hours for someone suffering with an anxiety disorder.  It was frustrating the line hasn’t moved in an hour.  These nurse not even doing anything. People in my line complained to the hospital staff and replied go relax and wait.  So rude.

Anyway finally I got my file and there after had to go wait in yet again in another line for the doctor. In my mind I’m thinking when is this day gonna end.  I rather die than sit another minute.  Eventually I made some conversation with some people and an interesting topic came up.  Lady whose also Christian not judging mental illness but talking to me about it the right way.  Where that even though I’m seeking help,  that I should still pray and trust God.  Sometimes God has his ways of helping us.  Weather through miracles or doctors.  Cause in the past I’ve been judge by fellow Christians for having anxiety like an evil spirit. Now I know not all Christians are close minded. Then finally after hours of waiting it was my turn to see the doctor.

We discussed my process and set backs and also that my clinic has prescribed me wrong medication all this time.  So the doctor had to write me a new script to collect new medication for my anxiety and must try it for the next month and come back in a months time to see if the meds are helping or not.  Also to discuss the way forward.  I pray these meds help me, not just with my anxiety but for my attention disorder to.

Dogs are better friends than humans!

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Lately I find myself to have a best friend called jackie! She’s a dog, breed: jack russel. Cute brown and white dog and so small that you can easily carry her. She’s not my dog but my opposite neighbours. She’s in and out my house most of the time with a small hole in the fence she made. I honestly don’t mind either do my parents. They have also taken a liking to her.

Anyway as for my blog title. Well guess I lately I don’t see my friend as much as I’d like. I understand some of them are busy with work and wives or girl friends and other don’t even reply to a text which is frustrating. This has left me feeling kinda alone.

When I had my own dogs they used to keep me so busy. I still miss them. They where my best friends even back then. Now that they gone and no friends in sight. I’m grateful my neighbours dog “jackie” visits so often. She helps make time go by. She’s not your ordinary jack russel. Honestly she can play and play and won’t be tired but I’d be completely drained. I had to make toys for her since she likes to bite things. Like my mom’s duster, my sandals, one old rope etc.

Jackie has become a part of my life and my family now. In fact she loves my dad more than anyone. I’m just kinda afraid I don’t have to go through such a loss like I did with my own dogs. I barely recovered from that. I know I have a lot of love to give even if she isn’t my dog.