Afraid of the future

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Hi everyone I know it’s been a while. Recently I’ve finished with group therapy which was a new experience but I still prefer individual therapy. Also the psychologists are now closed for this year and will only startup in January again. To be honest in therapy I feel safe like everything gonna be okay but once I leave to go home everything becomes real again and I’m terrified again.

Right now my main concern now is my future. My current job has just ended and I’m living off my parents who aren’t working.  They only collect pension which isn’t even much.  If anything where to happen to any of them I’d be devastated both emotionally and financially.  With my anxiety is on over drive again. I don’t even know if I’ll be even able to hold down a job.

To be honest I feel guilty because remember when my dad was working he used to go to work everyday to a job he hated just to provide for me and my family. I can never be able to express to my dad how grateful I am for what his done for me. I want to be positive but reality tells me otherwise. I spend so much wondering what if this and what if that. 

That’s why I feel so guilty because I should be taking care of mom and dad,  not them taking care of me.  I still ask God this question! Why was I even born,  I can’t do anything with my life,  my anxiety makes me feel useless, clumsy and like can’t do anything right.

Also the news shows us how bad the economy is, how jobs are hard to come by. So that doesn’t exactly give me any hope. 

I’m scared I’m gonna be alone someday maybe even like a Berger, because how much can you rely on family and you don’t want to burden anyone either.  Life is also so expensive.  So yes I’m terrified my future is so uncertain.  I’m writing this post openly and honestly so you know how I’m really feeling. 

To be honest I don’t wanna be poor but I want to be successful not for fame or money but so I can use my influence and power to help people.  Guess fear keeps me up at night telling me why it’s never gonna happen.

So lately I’ve began praying to God about my anxiety,  for my family and life in general.  That God will guide us.  Right now God is my only hope.  Sometimes you just have to believe in that higher power.  As a Christian I don’t have much faith because of my anxiety. But despite it I still do my best to try to be faithful. So why has this post gotten religious all of a sudden you maybe thinking.  Well like I said earlier I’m terrified of what might happen in my future. Trusting in God gives me some kind of peace knowing his in control.

Anyway thank you for reading my blog.  I never intended it to become about anxiety or mental health but it seems that’s where my life is at these days.

Human contact!

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Hey its me sorry for the late post. Its been a hectic past 2 weeks with work and my birthday. Oh yeah I turned 32 on the 11th november. I don’t feel any older though. Work been crazy I think I pull off the impossible there meeting deadlines. Anyway lately I’ve been yearning for human contact! Ever since I been going for therapy and group therapy. I feel like I re integrated myself back into the real world. Because before my social anxiety was very bad and thanks to therapy. I feel more confidence being around people.

The problem now is? There isn’t any people around to socialise with or go out with. My friends are to busy with their own lives which I get. Also everything is instant messengers and social media when it comes to conversations with friends, so we don’t have to meet. That part sucks the most. Yes social media and IM+ where cool when they first came out. Now they just limit more human contact. This frustrates me and makes me feel lonely.

I can’t remember the last time I went out or saw a movie with friends or family. Mostly me and my friends download movies and series and just watch them but ourselves. Yes again life is starting to feel kinda lonely. I know most people would say get a girl friend but I don’t think one person gonna solve my yearning for socialising. Lucky though I have group therapy for the next 2 weeks. So hopefully things will get better from there.

Pressure at work as a graphic designer

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Hey guys it seems I’m kinda employed again aside from my freelance graphic design. Earlier this week I’ve gotten an email from my former work place asking me to help them with some edits,  mostly to do with a huge size poster to be edited and modified also ready for print. Guess they only called because the book project of the company got invited for an arts festival.  So now they only need me because they need posters done to represent them at that festival.

Yesterday I went to discuss how much I’m gonna get paid first before starting work. So I’m not ripped off. Unfortunately I also started yesterday with lots of edits to an existing poster I originally designed. It was taking forever to edit.  Since the poster is 2 meters by 850mm which is a massive size.  The computer takes a long time to render each change. Especially when you saving it after every edit.  Because of the the pressure and deadline was end of yesterday. I had to design things any how! A rush job and not implement and creative changes. It was so frustrating. Sometimes the computer would take 10 to 20 minutes frozen, waiting.

Even after I knocked off work. I felt unsatisfied with the work I’ve done. It sucks being under pressure. When I got home I received more emails from work needing help to add changes.  That was so ridiculous.  It’s like teaching a graphic design crash course in 5 minutes. Again this morning worked phoned me. Asking how to do changes I did my best to explain and hoped to it worked out because today they knew I was unavailable. They don’t know why but so you know it was because I had group therapy and I’m not gonna sacrifice myself improvement for anything.

Group therapy was a different experience

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Today was a new experience for me.  It’s only been 3 session now that I’m seeing a psychologist. This week Tuesday I saw my psychologist, he recommended I try group therapy because It will help me get out of my shell and improve some self confidence.  So I signed up.  Today was our first session.

In truth I was so anxious the whole day before my group session.  Felt like I wanted to puke.  Also wondering who are these people.  What are they gonna think of me.  What if I make a fool of myself.  But later on I did learn that it was a safe space so even if I did make a fool of myself.  Everyone there is there to support and point me in the right direction.

Of course it wasn’t a regular group session. The theme was the here and now. We all in the group had to choose a goal that we would be witness to improvements of each others goals.  My goal is to speak with confidence and have a more of a confident presence.  Why? cause when it was my turn to talk.  I froze words wouldn’t even come out of my mouth.  I had to take a second to breathe deeply and dig deep to find any words I could. To say what I meant.  Which didn’t go well at first because I stuttered at first but eventually managed saying my piece.

It was nice though to connect with people in a similar situation.  I met amazing people today who just need a little help like myself in life.  I was glad to go through today’s experience.  As hard as it was facing my issues with a bunch of strangers.  Looking forward to next week’s session.

Another session at therapy!

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Today was my 2nd session of therapy. I’ll be honest! ,in the back of my mind I was hoping my therapist was going to tell me some mind blowing answer that would end my anxiety. In truth, that’s not how therapy works. I used to think therapy was like in the movies. Where the therapist would ask you ‘HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL’ questions.

My experience with therapy so far is? Its not just about talking to the psychologist but its the idea of getting used to opening up about yourself. Another experience of therapy for me is! It feels like you being stripped apart and being put back together a piece at a time. It feels like you being Rebuilt “better” in a more positive version of yourself.

Still I was told these changes won’t happen over night. It is only my 2nd session. We did do some exercises. One of them was involving connecting positive aspects to my life. An alternate version of how I see my life now but of events that I’ve ignore or overlook that may not of seemed important at the time. Its actually my homework writing about it and giving my therapist feedback next week for our 3rd session.

Does therapy work? Well for those of you who said No! Guess its because you didn’t have a therapist you can connect with and be completely honest. Part of therapy is also doing the exercises that you are given. To me therapy does work! It has helped me discover more about who I am. Little by little. I’m simply trusting my psychologist to help me its that simple. “It doesn’t hurt pray either”. I do have a long way to go. I’ve started the circle of change by seeking help. Taking small steps. Anyway next week I’ve been told I’d be likely to receive my treatment plan for taking on this anxiety. So if you reading or following my blog. You gonna wanna wait for next weeks review.

My 1st therapy session with the psychologist

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Hi guys, as you can see from my post title says it all. After weeks of waiting I’ve finally got to see the psychologist. Of course I had to sign a document that allows what we speak in therapy to remain confidential. I tell it feels good to get so many things of my chest without worrying weather I was gonna be judged for it. For example friends or family would see me differently if I told them how bad my anxiety is.

Well today wasn’t a full on session but more like an assessment about me and what could be triggering my anxiety. Still it was helpful saying things out loud, things that where bothering me and things I fear. Guess what they say is true, going to see a psychologist is really a safe space.

In our session the therapist showed me an example of how I needed to change small things and be more assertive. To be honest I would of never noticed that. So that’s one thing I learnt about myself today. I wish I could you tell more about the session, but there was a lot of personal things mentioned. The best part I guess was when the psychologist assured me that there is hope and how he has dealt with many cases like this. There will be a treatment plan I would have to follow in the next session or so. Also steps I’d have to follow to get better. I’m happy for the first time I’m getting the help I needed.

The thoughts of an anxious man!

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Hey guys I’m sure you noticed I haven’t blogged in a while. Truth is I’m having a hard time dealing with recently being unemployed! Also having a hard time gathering my thoughts. Right now my mind all over the place. Also I’m a little disappointed last month I went to the hospital and the doctor gave me a letter to go see a psychologist. Because my anxiety has gotten that bad.

The hospital suppose to call me regarding my appointment with the psychologist but they didn’t, so last week I went to the hospital and they told me that the doctor was on holiday and will come back next monday which is today and that the doctor will call me today, which they didn’t once again. But the nurse who helped me said if no one has phoned me on monday by 1 o clock I must phone her. She gave me her number.

I spent most of my monday anxious waiting for that call, with bad scenarios in my head that they forgot or something happen that they can’t see me. My stomach was in knots being so anxious. So I waited and no one called I’m so frustrated. I waited till 1:15pm to phone the hospital. When I finally got through the nurse who helped me answered and said the doctor/psychologist is in a meeting and she has given him the message and they will call me. Fuck I’m mad! Excuse my language. To be honest I thought I’d finally get my appointment when I called. I’m suffering so much and they don’t even care how I feel.

Anyway I thank God an hour later they called and made my appointment. I know therapy won’t cure me but its a step forward to getting over my anxiety. So I’m feeling a little relieved now.