My recent anxiety and depression relapse

Hi to my blogging family. You know it took me a while to write this post. I’ve been struggling. I’ve recently contracted the flu for about 2 weeks. I was so sick and weak that I stopped taking my antidepressants. I was just focusing on getting better from the flu. Well I did get better and slowly forgot about taking my antidepressants again. I’ve noticed how my anxiety and depression levels went up.

I couldn’t sleep. Everything was so loud, like everyone voices crowed in my head. My problems become more scarier. I become terrified of life. Thoughts of suicide crept into my head. Voices in my mind telling me : “I haven’t accomplished anything. You know not moving forward. Things are a lot harder for you than others.” I tried to shut these voices out but I couldn’t. My headaches where getting worst. My mind was all over the place. I’ve been really irritable lately. Even been ignoring people on instant messengers and social networks.

Its only been yesterday since I went back on my antidepressants. I feel calmer and less stressed out and not panicing for about every little thing before. To be honest I don’t want to use antidepressants but its the only thing for now that’s helping me stay calm. Maybe not 100% more like 70% but still it helps. Life isn’t easy for me I guess that’s why I have a lot of anxiety. This generally easy for others are 10 times harder for me. Guess its why I like to run away from my problems.

Before I got sick I was on the right track on getting my life right but this set back really put me back off my progress. Going have to start over now.

So I finally watched #Arrow season’s finale and thought?

You know what makes me happy? Shows like arrow, and many comic based tv shows. I’ve been an arrow fan since the justice league cartoons. Now that arrow is a live series its much better and darker. I admit I was a bit disappointed with the Vertigo villain but since then I come to love the show like many others. Season 3 for me so far has been the best. Adding Ra’s al Ghul to the mix, made it even better.

Sadly today for me is the season finale of arrow. This episode really had that batman dark knight feeling. Still I’m not sure! Has oliver truly given up being the arrow in the season finale. Guess only in season 4 we will get a clue to what’s next. This episode was to awesome to miss a final battle with Ras al Ghul. Also the shocking surprise of Malcolm Merlin taking over the league of assassins is just crazy. Did Ray palmer really die in that explosion in the end. Also what will John Diddle do with his broken trust towards oliver. So many questions we left with. All I can do is wait for season 4 get here faster.

Another kind of Heart break

Hi I’m sure you thinking from my post title that I’m heart broken over some girl or relationship. The truth is no! Well kinda when its comes to a relationship. Yes I am heart broken but not for some women but because I’m still grieving for my dogs. I can’t fill that void. I can’t get over that they are gone. I’m sure some of you are sick of me talking about my dogs. The truth is I don’t care. I loved my dogs they where everything to me. Now I feel so alone without them. Like something is missing from my life everyday.

In the past I’d wake up early morning just to see what my dogs are doing. Play with them. Let them bark and play with me until they where tired. I miss that and everything we used to do together. My life has changed without them. I lost my reason from getting out of bed. Lately I had the flu so I stopped taking my anxiety medication for a while. Guess it brought out how I been really feeling. Guess anxiety medication don’t help like I thought they just suppress how you feeling or numb your emotions maybe!

Anyway I thought I’d write this post since I haven’t blogged in a while. I could really use some advice from some pet lovers cause only you will know what I am going through. Losing 2 dogs so close a part is heart breaking. I’m left with these scars. I wish everyday they would come back some how. Guess its only wishful thinking. What I’ve lost can never come back its one of the reasons why? I quite going to church. Don’t judge me to hard for that but I just feel like life is unfair like that.

I love graphic design but I’m afraid to fail at it

This morning sitting in front of my computer just looking at it. Procrastinating! Haven’t designed anything in a while. I feel like a lousy graphic designer. I see other designers work and I wish my work was good as there’s. There work inspires me though as a graphic designer! I’m just frustrated that I’m not as creative. My ability to design comes from looking at other peoples work. Getting inspired but not copying, then creating my own design. Sounds like a weird way to design but is the only way I know how.

Life has been full of challenges for me. I haven’t given up on design just taken a break. Now I want to start again. I have chatted with other designers on facebook. Friending them. Asking for advice. I need all the help I can get. I wanna work hard an succeed. I have a kids book project where I design books for kids using vector designs. I need to get back to it and improve. I love what I do but sometimes you hate it when you hit a dead end.

I guess all roads to success feels like this. Doubt, fear and failure. I need to get pass my failure phase and finally start succeeding. Right now my goal is to get back in graphic design and focus all my energy on doing it full time some how.

My 1st step to getting fit and started jogging

Today I was home watching tv. Texting on my phone and realised I’m so frustrated with myself that sitting at home doing nothing was driving me mad. I’ve been exercising at home doing push ups and crunches but today I decide to take it further and train in the grounds near by my house.

So I walked to the grounds, Determined. Had my bottle of water. Finally reached the grounds and rested. So I decided to take my first lap around the grounds and God help me I wanted to quit and go home. I was so out of breathe half way during the lap because I have asthma, then I began to wheeze. Finally I finished the lap and rested. Took my asthma inhaler.

My 1st lap didn’t really go well so finally ran my 2nd lap and that was even worse than the my 1st. I couldn’t breathe properly but I managed slowly to finish the lap. So I rested again for a while. On my 3rd it felt easier for some reason like my body slightly got used to the momentum. Also mentally I was thinking about how I wanted to become stronger. Finished my 3rd lap and was feeling refreshed and tired.

I guess now! I have to train more often so that I am able to handle my breathing. On another note. I have another reason to exercise besides keeping fit. Lately I’ve hit a creative wall. My creativity isn’t flowing maybe due to stress and other factors but I read online that exercise helps with blood flow which helps with creativity. So there you have it. How I spent my day and my goals for exercising. I hope I’m not the only one that feels like this. Hope to hear from some of you going through the same thing.

30 and still single :(

Hi ladies I’m here to share my thoughts on being single. I’d also love some advice from you ladies. I’m single for many years now. I’m friendly, down to earth, easy to chat to. My major problem is I’m to shy in person. I feel like a lot of time has passed and I’m getting older by the day and would like to find someone to share my life with.

Truthful I’m also afraid of being rejected. Its also why I haven’t told many girls how I’ve felt about them. Heart break is incurable. Rejection makes you feel worthless. I have spoken to a few ladies lately but it didn’t go to well, there was no flow. We texted and the conversation went like this.

Me : Hi
Girl : Hi
Me : how you doing
Girl : K
Me, : wuup2
Girl : Ntm
Me : Really so you not doing anything, so u don’t wtv or something.
Girl : sometimes.
Me : what tvshows or series you into.
Girl : a lot

Like what the hell was is with the one word answers. Maybe I should of told her I was horny maybe she would fight with me but even that would of made for a better conversation.

Anyway the real reason I’m writing this post is I feel the clock is running out on me. My friends are getting married, and engaged and I’ll be the only one left single. Its gonna be a lonely path if I don’t catch up. Even my niece is serious with her boyfriend. Dam I got to find someone special. Why is it so hard to find love.

Anyone interested tweet me @vishal4nw or mail me at vishal4nw@gmail.com I honestly don’t mind settling for a long distance or foreign relationship right now.

Aside

Im jealous of my neighbors new puppy

just yesterday after eating supper putting my dishes in the sink. From the kitchen window I can see in my neighbors yard. I see something small and brown running around. It was a puppy. They had just gotten it. I couldn’t contain myself I went in my backyard and spoke to my neighbor asked them to show me the puppy. I played with it and my neighbor even let me borrow her to go show my mum.

It was the cutest Boerboel crossed with a Pitbull pup I ever seen. I was sad to give the pup back because I remember that excitement they are feeling, having a dog for the first time. All you want to do is play with your dog all the time.

Well to be honest I’ve been kinda lonely since my dogs passed away. Yeah I’ve thought of getting another dog but I feel like its wrong or its a betrayal to the dogs I’ve had if I get another one. Besides my dogs could never be replaced. Also I dont want to go through losing another dog it was painful enough the first two times.

Now all I can do just admire my neighbors dog with jealous lol.