Hi if you been wondering where I been or why I haven’t written any blog posts lately. Well I’m feeling a little lost with my life right now. Yes finally I’m acknowledging I have anxiety and dealing with it is taking its toll on me. Doubting your every decision. Unsure if anything you do is right or any good is nerve wrecking.
Today as I was watching a movie I couldn’t even enjoy it because my mind was over thinking and wondering if my mom is gonna come in and shout at me for sitting and watching movies all day. My mind came up with its own conclusions feeling pressurised wondering what my mom is thinking of me. My mind was in constant fear wondering what my mom would taught of me even though she didn’t do or think of any of that.
That’s why I try to sleep a lot because when I’m awake I’m constantly over thinking and feeling pressurised when nobody is really pressuring me. Its my own minds doing. My anxiety is getting worst and I have no help. No support. I’ve taught of telling my parents but maybe they will think I’m making excuses for not getting a job or being lazy all the time. Instead I’m really depressed.
So yeah I don’t feel like blogging or designing graphics. I feel like I lost the momentum and motivation. I’m gonna be 30 years in november. So yeah I do feel pressured and confused by my own mind because I don’t have a job. I don’t have a car. I’m single. I also can’t drive because I become terrified nervous and get frozen. So I’m kinda of a frustrated loser if you think about it.
I don’t date any girls now because I feel like a nut job because I get nervous shy with anxiety. Afraid I might under perform sexually if my anxiety gets out of control in my relationship.
Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I so weak and afraid. My friends ain’t like this. They take on their lives and jobs so fearlessly and excel at it but me! I get nervous I panic. Lose control and then is unable to comprehend what I am suppose to do feeling kinda dumb because of my anxiety.
I kinda hate myself right now and avoid anything that might stress me out or cause me anxiety. I wanna kill myself right now but I don’t have the guts to go through with something like that. Yes I’m confused and saying a lot of things that I hid in my heart for a long time. Prayer hasn’t been enough to help but I’m still hoping God is gonna come through some how.