This morning I woke up feeling kinda down. So just as I work up, then my mom tells me to send a message to my sister to phone her. So my sister phoned my mom. They was talking a bit next thing I know my mom is telling my sister that she must talk to me because I’m doing nothing with my live. Bitching about how one pastor on tv said if you feel you nothing you be nothing. The conversation when on and on.
Eventually I couldn’t take it and I told my mother give me the dam phone. So I told my sister in front of my mother that I got anxiety and that sort out help because I can’t get job only to lose it because of my anxiety. What shocked me the most was the words my sister told me was ” Sometimes we don’t get the jobs we want!” The my sister gave me the example about my niece wanting to do teacher and didn’t because she couldn’t afford to.
Those words broke my heart! I believed what she said because I always looked up to her. I felt my dreams literally being crushed. I went in my room and began thinking to much about what she said! Which gave me a panic attack. After a few minutes I calmed myself. Watching tv, playing on my phone anything to keep my mind distracted.
After hearing that I have anxiety my mom never asked me a word about it or how I felt. You know what! fuck the pastor who said what he said. My family should be encouraging me and not listening to what some pastor says on tv. Sometimes we become so religious we forget to care about one another and judge each other instead.
In a way what happen today is a good thing I’ve been struggling with coming up with a way to tell my parents I have anxiety. Today was unexpected more like an outburst. If this didn’t happen I wouldn’t of never told my parents about my anxiety at all. I wanted to deal with it on my own because I knew they wouldn’t support me when I needed them.
On a good note I feel a lot lighter for getting that of my chest. On the bad note I do feel like killing myself because of what my sister said. I mean we don’t always get what we want. Hell I never expected her of all people to say that. I’ve worked hard to learn graphic design skills without going to college or any institute. I plan working for myself someday. Can’t believe you would tell me I can’t have that.
Still I will always love my family no matter what they said. Just gonna have to work on my dreams on my own without their support that’s all.