Today I Intended to write an entirely different post since its been a while but something happened today that shattered my confidence. For most of you who follow my blog you know I’m a freelance graphic designer and for those who don’t. Now you do. So on facebook I joined a group for graphic designers a long time now. So sometimes when I design a logo or something for a client. I post it on the group hoping to get feedback or some constructional criticism.
Today that didn’t happen. Hell broke loose. So today I was attacked and the criticism was towards me instead of my work. First I was called a liar then accused to stealing other people’s work and then from there it just got worse. I even asked them what is wrong with my work and what should I do to improve it. They wouldn’t hear it. Couple people starting trashing me. I was feeling hurt and replied and it just made it worse. Then emotionally I started loosing control. Broke into a panic attack. Thank God my parents where in the lounge watching tv. This is not something I want to talk to with my parents about. It’s hard enough having anxiety I don’t wanna trouble them anymore than I should.
This made me think. Maybe I’m not as talented as I thought as a graphic designer. Maybe it’s time to give up. Honestly I’m not feeling all to good about graphic design. I don’t need anymore anxiety than I already have. Only problem is I love the creating stuff when it came to design but not all the other shit that goes with it. I don’t think I’m gonna post anything for a while now or ever when comes to design.
Hey its me and you probably know I’m not the religious type but believe in God. Anyway our church has been fasting for 21 days and next week Tuesday the fast will end. Honestly I haven’t really had much faith in fasting. Cause went everyone fasts. They seem to do it and they either have some sort of encounter with God or the thing they been praying for comes through. I on the other hand haven’t had those experiences. I’m like Thomas the apostle. Because I have not seen you I do not believe. Maybe that’s my flaw. Faith its self feels like a gamble. You hope for something not knowing how or if it’s gonna happen.
Still I did the fast every year despite not seeing the hopes I wanted come true. I’ve been blinded by big dreams. I forgot to be thankful for the little steps God has brought me along the way. The process of growing like a tree can’t be rushed I realised. I don’t understand why I have been detached from the world with my anxiety. That I don’t have the business I wanted yet or able to drive or date or be married by now. The truth is if I did have these things I wouldn’t be able to cope and handle these things yet.
So I over looked that. I need time to grow into these roles. To be a good husband. Deal with my anxiety and the things it prevents me from doing like driving. There’s so many things. I know I have to follow a path and today I realised that talking to a childhood friend. Her support means a lot and she always believed in me even when I didn’t. When we where younger I always looked up to her because she is incredibly smart. People would also always tease us that we would get married one day because we where so close as kids.
I can’t begin to understand what God is doing. His setting up a bigger stage for me in life. I look at my present and it looks defeated. I can’t see what God sees. So I guess faith is still a bit of a challenge for me. So prayer has become the foundation and fasting helps connect me with God.
If anyone knows struggle its waking up on a Monday morning going to a job you probably hate. Of course it isn’t the case with everyone some people do love their job its just the stress and deadlines that can sometimes make you hate what you do. Being in therapy for a while has given me some perspective on how the mind works but not enough yet to overcome my anxiety yet.
So as my title says finding pieces so I can put my life together. The thing with anxiety or insecurity you always waiting for when you feel good enough. That perfect moment where you motivated but life doesn’t work like that. We all struggle weather its anxiety, financially, socially, sickness and so on. We all tend to put our lives on pause when these struggles hit us.
That’s why keeping a diary helps me keep track of my thoughts. It was recommended by my therapist. Only problem is that sometimes I get so caught up in worries and how I’m gonna get more clients or gonna get a job because these things slip my mind. So I use an app to remind me to do things. I used to be embarrassed that I needed to be reminded for simple tasks but I came to realise it’s for my own good.
This year I think the piece of my life I need to sort out is to challenge myself more. After some failures and countless panic attacks the unknown territory has been somewhere I really don’t want to put myself. It’s why I choose to be single. It’s also probably why I’m unemployed to. Anxiety is like if you had a bad experience with something and you made up your mind that thing is bad and you will never try it again.
Lately I’ve become more social getting out of the house more. Talking to people. Reconnection with society because it’s not the same over the phone. Like instant messengers are not so instant. yet people can take so long to reply. So being more social in person has certainly been good for me.
Now the real challenge is for me to overcome my ability cope in a work environment. Truth is I’m good with information. Problem is when I’m anxious and I don’t know what to do with it. It’s like tunnel version. You feel so overwhelmed that you only see what anxiety wants you to see. Also at a job there’s no time to pause and do breathing exercises to Calm down. If anyone I know or knew personally wondering why my life isn’t together yet. Just know that having an anxiety disorder has made life harder for me. Things that are normally easy for others are harder for me.
Screw anxiety I will move forward somehow step by step.
This morning I woke up early. A little nervous about my 1st therapy session for this year. I haven’t been in therapy for about 3 month and cancelled my session for last December because I had gotten into a fight with my mom. Who is frustrated with me both out of concern and annoyed that nothing is working for me to get better from my anxiety. So I’m burdened with this feeling of guilt and hatred for myself. If only I was smarter I’d have a job and be further along in my life. Anyway I had a lot to think about on my way to therapy.
So finally my therapy session started and I tried my best to remember the things that are affecting me and poured my heart into this session. It seems I have made my therapy sessions about getting a job instead of focusing on the causes and solutions of my anxiety and getting a wrong result so far.
Guess because of these hard times I’m desperate to get a job that’s why I made my therapy session about getting a job.
Anyway we got past that today in my session and realized that I will never be able to function in a work place until I deal with my anxiety. The first behaviour changes in my life I have to make is to reconnect with society. Why? Because of my anxiety I have withdrawn myself from the world. I hate going out. Hate leaving my house longer that I have to like when going to church and my parents go shopping after church. I don’t like making conversations with people because I feel like I have nothing to say or worried when people gonna ask me why I’m not working for so long. I hate having to have to explain myself to everyone all the time. I like being alone most of time with my stupid thoughts.
So yeah my therapist said I need to ease myself back into society and start living again an be consistent. Meeting people. Having conversations. Getting out of the house more. Doing more. Also as a smart goal in session I made that I have to meet up with 2 graphic designers in person and have a conversation with them before next month therapy session. So I’m hoping my friend Zak is reading this and maybe try and reach out to his cousin who is a graphic designer to visit him and arrange a meet to talk shop. I’m not sure if I’m able to get this smart goal done but my therapist wants me to make an effort and network. Despite the challenge of this goal I’m quite satisfied with today’s session and there where a lot more things we spoke about in depth. Things like my triggers and insights to my anxiety. Well I can honestly say today was a lot to take in. So let’s hope this starts the process to change in my life.
Also sorry for the many typos in my previous post and if they are any typos in this post. Thank you readers for sticking things out with me.
Hi happy new years to my readersteaders. Hope everything is well with you. It’s a new year so a new beginning right. So I hope this year is gonna be an awesome year for me and for my readers, friends and family to. Of course hoping isn’t gonna make a dam thing happen without action. This year I’m not sure of my goals. I’m not sure what I want. No that’s not it. I don’t want to acknowledge what I want because believe I can achieve it.
So I’m gonna say it anyway I don’t wanna work in an ordinary job. I wanted to become a creative graphic designer and illustrator. Even though I’m a graphic designer now. I don’t feel good enough but I still keep trying my best and adding to my knowledge.
Anyway I think I lost track of my topic thinking to deeply about things. This year I do hope to find a job I can do cause I need stability. Also to make sure that my worst fears don’t come true. what’s gonna happen if my parents gone how will I live. I have no job. No partner. No real work experience. Will I be left alone to die. My brothers are for themselves and my sister already done a lot for us. I don’t wanna burden her. So haven’t thought about this fear in a while. I Have tried to positive and suppressed these thoughts but that anxiety just woken up again this past week when my parents and aunt where talking about it made me terrified, because if they are talking about it then this fear isn’t a lie.
Honestly I’m not sure how to cope but I’m going to do my best to take action to change that future. This year I want it to be a productive year. Something I can be proud of. Also want to reconnect with God. I know I can’t turn my life around alone. I must find that purpose to live again so my spirt becomes alive again.
You ever watch those cheese Christmas movies around the festive time. Where they talk about having the Christmas spirit and there’s usually a lesson in those movies about appreciating family around this time of year. I kinda want that environment and happy ending that comes with those movies. When ever comes year end I kinda want to milk all the happiness I can out of those festive times because on normal days I’m depressed and have usually worried about the future.
Thanks to my anxiety disorder it makes me worry about every out come and every possible future my anxious mind can predict. So far 2019 predictions aren’t so good. I’m afraid for this month to end. Cause come festive time for me it’s not longer reality because of the spirit of Christmas. Where in that time I sometimes wanna believe everything will align and be just right. Maybe I’ve been watching to many movies. It’s just how I feel. I’m hoping for a Christmas miracle. Which is to get a job I can do and manage in.
If I got that ideal job. Then it will be a miracle. If you wondering why it would be a miracle. Firstly cause of my anxiety I can’t work under pressure. Secondly where I’m from south africa. Unemployment is high and companies are legally allowed to hire majority blacks, and other races is a lower percentage. Since I’m an Indian I fall in that less percentage of people they may hire. It’s bad enough I enough I have to worry about getting a job to support my family and I. Also have to worry about a racist Hitler on the rise trying to take over the country and kill whites and eventually other races. So I’m scared for the future especially with elections around the corner in 2019
My wish list and miracles is.
-God saves South Africa and help the people in poverty
-God brings hope to the hopeless
-I get that idea job i can do.
-God give peace and provides for the lonely and broken hearted
There are many things I want to wish for but for now these will do. I know you hear me complain about my anxiety all the time. It’s only cause it’s affects me so badly. Living in fear all the time. Having to put expirational dates on my happiness. I am haunted by my anxiety and afraid to be happy. I’m sure you had that experience where you where one moment so happy and then something happens that the kills it. That’s what anxiety does to me like everyday. So as a coping measure I don’t be happy cause I’m not disappointed because I knew that would happen.
Hi I’d like to apologise for deleting my previous post. I just felt it was to personal to be out there. Anyway I’ve made many mistakes in the past and recently. I don’t know how many of you have a hard time forgiving yourself. I guess I am. This inner struggle takes a toll on my mental health. That’s why I can’t wait for next month to see my psychologist. I haven’t been to therapy for a while and I do feel lost without the help.
I hate making so many mistakes that it feels like you can’t come back from it. Having anxiety makes life a lot scarier. I can’t tell you how many times I wish death upon myself. I just wish life to be over or skip the hard parts in life. Feeling overwhelmed of fear. Feeling alone. Also I choose to isolate myself from the world because I just can’t seem to connect with people.
Despite my mistakes and bad mental health and even though I feel I don’t deserve forgiveness. I pray that I will be forgiven for anything I have done wrong. People are not perfect. So don’t expect them to be. So hopefully I am given a second third chance at life. Even though my dream is to become a successful graphic designer and to inspire others. Right now I just don’t have the will to go on right now. I need sometime to get my mind and spirit right. So I’m going get more into church and hope God can show me the way and give me hope again.