I feel so invisible

I feel so invisible

Lately I feel so distant from people I usually text. Even lately I feel like my niece is ignoring me since she hasn’t replied to my last few texts. My old work friend she just reads my messages and sometimes replies with a one word texts. I feel guilty like I did something wrong here.

I feel more alone than ever. I feel like my world is slowly closing in on me and I have no one to talk to. Accept my therapist if I’m able to make it to a session. Since money is so tight at home and petrol so expensive now. It’s hard to make it to therapy sessions.  If having anxiety isn’t isolating enough. People are shutting me out. Clearly there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong?

Maybe they don’t wanna be around a loser like me. Without a job for so long.  I don’t blame them. I really am tying to be positive and finding a job isn’t easy. Especially when you don’t have a lot of work experience. If only I was smarter things would be better I’d imagine. Maybe people would like me better.

I’m grateful for the friends I do have. They helped more than they know. They helped get the jobs I’ve had in the passed. I don’t think I would of ever worked In my life if it wasn’t for them. I wouldn’t no the feeling of a paycheck if it wasn’t for them. So thank you for everything.

Moving forward is unclear. I get that everyone has to live their lives. Just wish had more time to spend with people who make me happy. Now I just feel alone. Panicking about getting a job and if I’ll be able manage etc. Hopefully before I reach 35 this November I would have made some progress. Maybe a job or graphic design clients but something good I’m hoping and working towards.

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Goals and Dreams afraid of never achieving

Goals and Dreams afraid of never achieving

Hi I know my last post was kinda dark because I was very depressed. I’m feeling a bit better. I’ve been thinking about something my therapist said. That people with anxiety set very vague goals. I didn’t get it at the time but now I do. I know when I set vague goals it’s because I was afraid if I set a real goal. I believe I won’t achieve it.

My dream is working for myself selling stock graphics and some design work for clients here and there. Making a living from graphic design. I know what I want. Only problem is I don’t believe It’s achievable. There are way more better graphic designers out there. I don’t know how to be unique or having something special that clients want. I know hoping isn’t gonna make my dreams come true.  I spent most of my life pursuing this without a clear goal or was afraid of saying out loud what I wanted because if I didn’t achieve it people will say what happened you said you said gonna do that with your life and now see where you are.

I let myself down. I lost sight of what I wanted in my struggle to get there. Once your set a real goal it all becomes real so you wanna hold it off as long as you can. I’m sure many people out there feel that they not good enough, not smart enough. It’s just a dream. Even though it’s a burning desire you have. I know I still want to achieve my dream. I just need to get an ordinary job now so I can fund that dream.

I’m slow at learning because of my anxiety disorder. I become overwhelmed when things don’t make sense and panic not just in leaning but in life. So its taken me a long time to learn what I know about graphic design and I’m leaps and bounds behind other graphic designers. That hurts but it’s hurt more not living the life I’ve dreamt of living.

Anxiety is the death of me

Anxiety is the death of me

Hi its been a while. Sorry haven’t had data to write any posts. Being unemployed can do that to you. Unemployed with anxiety will drive u insane. I’ve been looking for work for a long time now. I’m struggling. I can’t seem to get my foot in the door anywhere. If I finally do find a job its usually a difficult stressful job I can’t handle.

This past week I meet my friends cousin and he was working in a store. I was jealous for the first time cause it’s a job I’d love to do. He said they very quite they tech department and barely do anything all day. Just few customers they get a day. No anxiety no stress in that Job. A job I can do easily. That would be a dream. I’m angry with my myself because I can’t get a job like that. Why can’t I get a job like that?

My anxiety disorder has done a toll on my life. It’s why I don’t date or make friends in a hurry. I don’t like human contact unless it’s family or close friends. I’m ashamed I’m 34 and I can’t do what most adults my age can do. Most people have cars,  kids,  married,  steady jobs. I have none of that. I’ve always knew something was wrong with me. But I never knew an anxiety disorder would have that much of a impact on my life.

I hate that jobs I’ve had already I’ve had to depend on friends to get through it. I’m grateful for them for helping me but angry at myself for not being smarter, or better at doing things. I haven’t told anyone this but I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately. I haven’t seen my therapist in a while so he doesn’t know either. I just feel like there isn’t any hope for me. Having anxiety is bad enough in a bad economy,  with a country tearing its self apart with high unemployment, corruption and racism.  I pray that God will rescue me. I don’t want my friends to know what I’m thinking or feeling. A man can only take so much of a beating from life.

Yeah I learnt graphic design I thought I was gonna be successful at it. But I’m at the same skill level I was 4 years ago. I just can’t seem to improve. Not being able to crack illustration design or get good at it. Showed me that someone people have that creative mind and others don’t. Even if you love it. Where did I go wrong. If I was smarter I’d work better and able to hold a job and wouldn’t panic or get attacks.
What kills me is I wish I could do more for my parents who have to put up with me. I owe them everything for taking care of me even upto now.

I hate uncertainty. That creates anxiety the most for me. I have so much going on in my head that I don’t even know how to write it. Even though I’ve been thinking about suicide I’m not there just yet. So if you were alarmed this is not a suicide post but expressing how I feel.

Physically ill because of anxiety

Physically ill because of anxiety

Hey guys I haven’t been feeling all to great lately. My stomach feel like a punching bag. I’ve been feeling so anxious and uneasy in the stomach. I didn’t think stopping my anxiety medication would have such a huge effect on me. I’ve honestly been terrified because my mind has been playing out my worst feeling in overdrive. I have these over whelming worst case scenario thoughts. It honestly feels like hopelessness. I don’t mean be so negative. I can’t help how I’m feeling.

I’m feeling so alone cause no one understands what I’m going through or what I’m feeling. It’s for the best maybe. I hate when anxiety overwhelms you and all logic goes out the window. You can’t make any sense of your life. I guess things have gotten so hectic I stopped praying. Anxiety showed me my worst fears come true if I don’t get a job soon or if my parents may pass on. I’d be pretty much screwed. Cause I can’t think logically anymore lately. I honestly need someone to tell me what I should do. I’m so scared.

It’s times like these that you begin to question weather or not God is real. I think I may need to start taking my medication again but not everyday and ease off the medication slowly. I would also appreciate any prayers my way. I honestly do need all the help I can get. Sorry wish this post was more encouraging. Life is unpredictable when you don’t have security I think. I just hope that my next post will be more positive.

Going off my anxiety medication

Going off my anxiety medication

Hey its me it’s the first of march so fast. Decided to make some major decision starting with going off my anxiety medication. I just feel that I have taken them for so long and it hasn’t really changed my life in the way I hoped for. Maybe my expectation was to high on taking theses meds. I admit its been challenging to adapt. It’s been 6 days without meds and I am feeling a bit sick, uneasy on the stomach. On the good side I have been able to feel again and not so feeling so emotionally numb.

Only lately I’ve felt like the effects of my anxiety medication where hurting me. Sometimes when I woke up I would feel so groggy and like my brain had just taken a beating. Best sides I will still go for therapy and I’ve read many people have overcome anxiety without their meds. So these hope right!? Well my readers haven’t given up on me so there’s at least one reason not to give up. There where many times where I thought it’s time to stop this blog. Maybe no one even cares about what I’m writing about. So I been checking the wordpress stats and I have many readers. Even if there are no comments. I have an audience. Also I get 1 or 2 new followers every time I write a post. So you guys my readers have helped me kept me motivated enough to still continue my blog. So thank you.

I’ve tried green tea since I read a lot about how many good benefits it has. I haven’t felt those effects since been only a few days but I do hope it helps. Anyway just though I’d share my thoughts and what I’ve been through lately. Have an awesome weekend.

To be happy then not!

To be happy then not!

Hi its been a while it’s hard for me to be consistent to write blog posts and consistency is key for me to overcome my mental health disorder. I’ve been quite happy for a while then something usually comes and kills that joy. I’m sure many of you may of experienced that. Like yesterday there was an issue with my brother. His being controlled by his wife and not allowed to visit our family. His wife always causes a fight just usually before Christmas or one of our birthdays and today is my mom’s. Yesterday I was so upset because my brother hurt my mom and dad. It really upsetted me. Almost had a panic attack. Had to practice my breathing exercises to Calm myself down. In that moment I remembered something my therapist said. He said no point worrying about something you have no control over. The only thing you really do have control over is your actions.

I was gonna write a nasty post about my sis in law, about how evil she can be but I decided not to because I don’t wanna be like her. Even though I have no control over my brothers actions. It does worry me that he doesn’t visit us. Cause I don’t have much family. Most of them aren’t alive anymore. Only have 1 aunt an like 5 cousins which I hardly see. So yeah family for me is important. Cause it’s all you have left in the world that matters not money.

So after this upset it seems I deviated from my therapy advice and steps because my emotions took over. I think I need to put energy now into networking and connecting with the right people in life, building a better relationship with God. Also building my own confidence and making myself a successful graphic designer.

Also again its my mom’s birthday and want it to be special and not for anyone to spoil it. So looking forward to some birthday cake and sweet treats and just celebrating what is important. I know how much my mom and dad have done for me despite my conditions. So today I gonna choose to be happy.

Cyber bullied

Cyber bullied

Today I Intended to write an entirely different post since its been a while but something happened today that shattered my confidence. For most of you who follow my blog you know I’m a freelance graphic designer and for those who don’t. Now you do. So on facebook I joined a group for graphic designers a long time now. So sometimes when I design a logo or something for a client. I post it on the group hoping to get feedback or some constructional criticism.

Today that didn’t happen. Hell broke loose. So today I was attacked and the criticism was towards me instead of my work. First I was called a liar then accused to stealing other people’s work and then from there it just got worse. I even asked them what is wrong with my work and what should I do to improve it. They wouldn’t hear it. Couple people starting trashing me. I was feeling hurt and replied and it just made it worse. Then emotionally I started loosing control. Broke into a panic attack. Thank God my parents where in the lounge watching tv. This is not something I want to talk to with my parents about. It’s hard enough having anxiety I don’t wanna trouble them anymore than I should.

This made me think. Maybe I’m not as talented as I thought as a graphic designer. Maybe it’s time to give up. Honestly I’m not feeling all to good about graphic design. I don’t need anymore anxiety than I already have. Only problem is I love the creating stuff when it came to design but not all the other shit that goes with it. I don’t think I’m gonna post anything for a while now or ever when comes to design.