To be a just a graphic designer or an illustrator!

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Lately I found myself thinking  a lot about the type of graphic designer I want to be. I mean everyone now days knows how to usephotoshop and add a few text and effects and you got a poster! But with illustration it starts from scratch and the design is what ever you want it to be. 100 per cent your creation. Of course there are people who actually do know what they doing in photoshop as graphic designers that I admire.  But this is just me choosing a different path.

Besides being an illustrator would also be something of a childhood dream of mine come true. As a kid I always love to draw my cartoon characters.  Even though I’m a crappy artist software like photoshop and illustrator help you improve with lots of practice.

For the last few months I have been practising  a lot and my drawing are less bad than before. Small improvement I guess. I do feel like a
kid again taking this direction in design. I guess after going for that design conference last month helped me come to the decision of being an illustrator. Meeting my local hero and artist telling me I can do it. Who wouldn’t feel inspired by that.

Anyway its just what I’ve been thinking about lately and since I
haven’t blogged as much I should I thought I was about time to write a
post. Besides I’m working on starting a graphic design blog soon. Getting a name for it is usually the hardest part. I’ve learnt a lot in the last few years and I’d love to give back and share my experiences.

Have an awesome weekend my blog family and here’s some simple work I’ve done recently 🙂

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Last night’s Graphic design and novel conference was awesome

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Hi bloggersphere finally I have some good news to post. Before I get to last night’s design event I must tell you how I got invited to such an event. A while back I saw a graphic designer in the paper and she suffers with anxiety like I do and even lives in the same town that I live in. I had to friend her on Facebook and tell her how much her story inspired me. After that we gotten a bit closer.  She even gave me advice on how I should improve as a graphic designer. Anyway last week she inboxed me and invited for last night’s event.

I was so nervous going alone and very anxious to talk to anyone since everyone else came in groups. Sure at first I had my doubts for coming at 1st since I was alone. I tried to make conversation with some designers and they where uptight and wanted to only talk with the people and group they came with. Anyway later on I started a conversation with the guys sitting in front on me and they where cool. One of them a writer and the other a comic book artist. So I asked them they if they did any comic book drawing like anime style. So he asked me if I was into anime and from there on we basically became friends and had stuff in common.

Points I took to heart from the speakers as a graphic designer.

1) Experiment at first what design or art form you like to do. Example digital painting art or vector art designs and then the one you feel most comfortable doing, stick with it and master it.

2) doesn’t matter if your work sucks. If your a writer or designer.  Keep doing it till you get an audience that will help you improve and know who to write and design for.

3) keep putting your work out there.  Day in and day out on your social media. Don’t be afraid.  You never know where your next job or client could come from. Become your biggest fan slash brand and portray your skill on your social accounts so people know exactly what you do.

Anyway after the event finish people where told to go the table and collaborate with artists in trying to draw a comic. It was fun. Something I’ve never done before.  Also before I left I made sure to greet the girl who invited me for the event. Since I never met her in person it was a huge honour. She said she wasn’t sure if it was me until I introduced myself.  She didn’t want to say anything in case it was the wrong person. Anyway she was so glad I came and told her how much it meant to me that she thought of inviting me and how much I admired her work as a graphic designer. So this morning she inboxed me on Facebook thanking me and told me how much it meant that I came to the event. Guess it was a great way to start today.  🙂 

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Finding my place in this world!

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Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.

Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.

I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.

Am I losing my mind? because I’m Hallucinating

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Just the other night I had a dream my mom was calling me and so I woke up because I heard her. So I went to see why she’s calling me. When went to see where she is, she sleeping. But I swore I heard her voicing calling me. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or I’m losing my mind.

Again last night I woke up middle of the night and heard the kitchen tap running so I went in the kitchen and it stopped. I looked in the lounge looked like my mom standing by the certain so I’m asking her why you up so late and she didn’t answer me. When I put the light on. Nobody was there. Honest to God I don’t what’s going on with me. I need to see my therapist soon but hope he doesn’t commit me to an mental institution. Had a dream about that to not long ago. So yeah I’m a little terrified.

The gift of christmas

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This time of year everyone has a lot going on. High expectations. This year I really began to think about the meaning of christmas. As a Christian I owed it to myself and God! The realised that hit me even though obvious to others. God came or was born into this word to give us hope.

I wasn’t sure if this christmas was gonna be worth celebrating. Since last years one was a bit depressing. So I didn’t think about that this time and allowed the day to play out. It turned out to be an awesome christmas with family. Spending the day together. Since we hardly often spend quality time together. For the first time I felt like I’ve let go and enjoyed being in the present moment with family and had a really good time. Why I say that because for someone like me with an anxiety disorder that is difficult.

I think I slept like a baby last night. Both physical and mentally christmas was fulfilling. Spending time with my sister and niece, and later brother and his children. I think that happiness effected me in a more positive way than I thought. My heart is so happy to had such a wonderful christmas.

I know this post is a day late but I want to wish you my blog family a very merry christmas.

My Ideal life :)

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Today I was reading a post from a blog I follow. The post mentioned what is the ideal life you want to live! The truth is! I’ve been so caught up in my own world of ‘anxiety and depression’ that I stopped thinking about the life I wanted!

So I took sometime to think about it and it wasn’t to hard to figure out. The life I want is to be a creative graphic designer. Meeting clients at coffee shops. Going to fancy offices having brain storming ideas with other creatives. Working out of a coffee shop with a laptop at times. Just having freedom of a life as graphic designer.

Yes there are ways of making money with graphic design online with stock graphics. For now I’ll do it cause I need the income but it isn’t my dream. Sometimes you have to ask the right questions in order discover what you want.

Guess reading someone else’s blog helped me discover what I want. Now I guess I have to work towards making it happen. Its been hard. I’ve given up more times than I can count but I have to keep on trying. Not only for myself but for others who maybe thinking of giving up on their dreams. I hope to be that inspiration so that they never give up.

Afraid of the future

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Hi everyone I know it’s been a while. Recently I’ve finished with group therapy which was a new experience but I still prefer individual therapy. Also the psychologists are now closed for this year and will only startup in January again. To be honest in therapy I feel safe like everything gonna be okay but once I leave to go home everything becomes real again and I’m terrified again.

Right now my main concern now is my future. My current job has just ended and I’m living off my parents who aren’t working.  They only collect pension which isn’t even much.  If anything where to happen to any of them I’d be devastated both emotionally and financially.  With my anxiety is on over drive again. I don’t even know if I’ll be even able to hold down a job.

To be honest I feel guilty because remember when my dad was working he used to go to work everyday to a job he hated just to provide for me and my family. I can never be able to express to my dad how grateful I am for what his done for me. I want to be positive but reality tells me otherwise. I spend so much wondering what if this and what if that. 

That’s why I feel so guilty because I should be taking care of mom and dad,  not them taking care of me.  I still ask God this question! Why was I even born,  I can’t do anything with my life,  my anxiety makes me feel useless, clumsy and like can’t do anything right.

Also the news shows us how bad the economy is, how jobs are hard to come by. So that doesn’t exactly give me any hope. 

I’m scared I’m gonna be alone someday maybe even like a Berger, because how much can you rely on family and you don’t want to burden anyone either.  Life is also so expensive.  So yes I’m terrified my future is so uncertain.  I’m writing this post openly and honestly so you know how I’m really feeling. 

To be honest I don’t wanna be poor but I want to be successful not for fame or money but so I can use my influence and power to help people.  Guess fear keeps me up at night telling me why it’s never gonna happen.

So lately I’ve began praying to God about my anxiety,  for my family and life in general.  That God will guide us.  Right now God is my only hope.  Sometimes you just have to believe in that higher power.  As a Christian I don’t have much faith because of my anxiety. But despite it I still do my best to try to be faithful. So why has this post gotten religious all of a sudden you maybe thinking.  Well like I said earlier I’m terrified of what might happen in my future. Trusting in God gives me some kind of peace knowing his in control.

Anyway thank you for reading my blog.  I never intended it to become about anxiety or mental health but it seems that’s where my life is at these days.