Category Archives: My Diary

Back in therapy after ages

It’s been after 3 months that I’ve been back in therapy. Today’s session was good,  productive even. Learning what’s causing my anxiety. It’s mostly my core beliefs, that my thoughts process  when ever I do anything. It tells me I’m not smart enough or don’t have what it takes.

Also there’s been a lot of physical symptoms these few months. When I’m anxious I get this annoying cough. Also my stomach feels knotted. Thirdly I’m not sleeping at night. My mind is over thinking and analyzing my life. It seems now I need my to focus a lot on mindfulness my Psychologist suggests. Because I’m not living in the present moment because my anxiety is always trying to predict slash fear the future.

I have now an idea of what I must do. Today I’ve done something very stupid. I was joking with a friend and kinda hurt him in the processes. So Zak if you reading this I’m so sorry bro. I’m deeply sorry and promise nothing like that will ever happen again.

Advertisements

My graphic design dream

Hey its me and been thinking about the choices I’ve made and I remembered having a dream of becoming a successful graphic designer but by using free software. Sounds ridiculous right. I gave up on that dream some time ago and started to learn and use industry software and even though I know how to use industry design software well. I haven’t really improved as a designer.  I wonder about why that is I guess.

So not long a go i found a guy online living the dream I dreamt of.  He is using the free software I used to use and his successful and has an impressive portfolio. I was both jealous and inspired by him. This made me rethink what I was doing and maybe I should go back to the dream I had because I haven’t really improved using premium industry software.

Also I wanna make money by making a lot of stock graphics, because dealing with actual clients is a bit much for me cause of my anxiety disorder. Hey these are just thoughts I’m letting out. Whose knows if i will really continue with my original dream I’ve had. Anyway wish me luck just had to say what I was thinking.

God are you there?

These days I’m starting to feel so hopeless inside.  God why do I have this anxiety disorder that’s ruining my life.  I can’t work,  I can’t date,  I can’t do anything by myself without help. I can’t help but wonder if God is real. I feel trapped in like inside an hourglass watching the world and life pass me by as time run out.

I’m trying my best but it isn’t good enough. I’m not a good enough graphic designer yet.  I’m not good enough to handle a job. Dating and being intimate overwhelms me it’s so embarrassing as an 33 old adult. Where did it all go wrong. So God where are you. What is the purpose of my life. Am i suppose to suffer through this anxiety disorder alone.

Lately I even stopped going to church.  Just feel so drained and feel like church is a waste of time.  Honestly it’s not what I believe just how I’m feeling these days. People say do things one step at a time but in the back of my mind my anxiety tells me and feels like I’m running out of time.  So I’m in a constant panic to succeed in life quickly.

I don’t know if you ever asked yourself any of these questions. This isn’t something I wouldn’t discuss about with anyone it’s why I blog and offload my thoughts or I will go crazy.  The truth is I want to believe in God and his plan that there is something better in store for me but it’d hard when the present is so difficult to live through everyday.

Feeling of overwhelm

It’s weird feeling afraid and scared for no reason.  Sometimes when I don’t get stuff done at home and if my mom or dad shouts at me about it. Then I spend so much time zoned out thinking about what my parents think of me. That I’m useless, a loser or even a burden.  It’s hard to even say if it’s true, because my anxiety stretches the facts and it’s hard to tell truth from lies with an anxiety disorder.

Feeling are just misleading.  Sometimes I just feel like my parents are angry at me for not working or even for having an anxiety disorder. These feeling then turn to feeling of hatred to myself. Then thoughts of suicide begin to creep in. Then you wish where dead. These feelings of anxiety is overwhelming me. Also because I don’t have my meds this month that I’m feeling so depressed and more overwhelmed than usual. Apparently the nurse at the clinic messed up my order for my medication and have to wait another month for it.

My first starbucks experience

image

Hi I’m sure you think this is no big deal but for me it is. Here in South Africa we didn’t have a Starbucks until recently. I’ve seen many movies where people are relaxing,  socializing and doing creative work on their laptops. That’s the experience I longed for.

Anyway that was just a dream for a while. A few weeks ago me and some friends decided to go to the mall and just chill and relax since it was such a boring night. Neither of us could drive so thank God for uber for taking us there.

So when we arrived there as we where walking into the mall, above us we saw a huge sign saying Starbucks. The time had arrived we had to try it and fulfill something I’ve dreamed about for a long time. I was surprised to see how busy it was. I ordered an original Starbucks hot chocolate and a Chocolate muffin.  When we went up stairs to get seated. It t was everything I imagined. The atmosphere was amazing.  People socializing,  people on their laptops in groups working on projects using wifi,  laptops and so on.

I could see myself here working on projects with my laptop as a graphic designer, but that’s a dream for another day 🙂

Anxiety and Therapy

It’s been like 2 months now I haven’t gone for therapy and I feel so lost. In my therapy session I feel that sense of calm like it’s a safe place and I’m accepted and understood for my anxiety. Sadly because I’ve been become so sick with some kind of chest infection which I honestly thought it was bronchitis.

Therapy does help maybe not over night but it gives me some kind of direction that I should take instead of guessing how to move forward or procrastinating. Honestly I wish my parents would be more supportive about my anxiety they don’t really think much of it as a real problem. I feel alone at home. I’ve also feel like I’ve got no emoticons these days. The only thing I feel now is when fear or when anxiety comes over me.

How did I get here. If only I’ve caught on I’ve had anxiety from a young age maybe I would of been better by now.  Still I’m working with therapy and most of all putting my faith in God so I can be cured of this anxiety.

I’m so tired of writing posts complaining how anxiety is screwing with my life. I want to be writing success posts but life won’t let me.
In truth I’m a slow learner.  It’s hard for me to understand or comprehend things easily. Sometimes I feel so stupid.  It’s probably why I can’t hold a job or cope. There are times where I just wanna be left alone till I die. I hate the person I’ve become.  A person without emotion.  Who doesn’t care about anything anymore just trying to get to the next day in peace.  My mind is a living hell.

I’m hoping with therapy,  prayer this year my life will turn around some how. 

Holding on to dreams or let them go!

It’s weird people say think positive.  When you finally do and get in gear to star tackling your goals!  I end up getting very sick with flu,  asthma and eventually bronchitis.  Been sick for 3 weeks now. I even been to the doctors and the medication are all finished and flu has still not left me.  I’m starting to think maybe it’s destiny that success isn’t for me.  Every time I try to do something with my life, bad things happens to confirm that success isn’t for me. It just a thought for now.

I suppose to look for work this month and practice being confident but I ended up being sick.  With my dad not working I really wanna try and do something now to help bring income to our home.  Sadly I put my dreams of being a freelance graphic designer first and maybe it’s time to let that become a hobby than a dream so that I won’t lose it completely.

It’s been to long!

I’m sorry for the wait I’ve been procrastinating so long that I couldn’t even make a single decision.  Yet alone write a single blog post.  Heard this is called analysis paralysis. The advice I was given is to make a decision regardless if it’s good or bad. It’s good advice I think.  Still making a bad decision is scary for my self esteem.

Anyway what I’ve been up to this 2018 so far is looking for a job. Still no luck there.  I’m still going for my therapy sessions, which are going well. I’d love to get support from my parents at home like encouragement that there is hope and things will get better. Guess that type of encouragement only happens in the movies.

I’m trying to be more social instead of only texting over the phone and meet people in person. It feels good. These are just some of the few changes I’m making to my life.  So enough about me comment and tell me what you think and been.

Giving up certain privileges

Hey online world I know it’s been a while. Money is tight for me right now.  So even buying data is a privilege. Unfortunately I have to use carefully the little data I have. From December il only be able to use it for WhatsApp and blog and tweet once a month. Being unemployed is rough but not being able to help out at home is even worst.

I’m currently looking for a part time job which will be more manageable in my anxiety situation. Therapy is helping one step at a time.  I only wish things would get better quickly. Also got a therapy session this Friday which I’m looking forward to. 

Lately I’ve been trying to give my faith some influence in my life i guess there’s something comforting about knowing there’s a higher power looking out for you if you let it.  So yeah I began to pray small prayers every morning.  For some reason I just can’t bring myself to read my bible.

Also November is my birthday month so I’m hoping to celebrate that 🙂

How much more therapy do I need?

Hey bloggersphere its me living in my own little anxiety world filled of worries and stress.  Doesn’t sound fun right!  Cause it isn’t. This past weekend I almost found myself lashing out at my mom in anxious rage because my mind was going crazy with anxious thoughts. I could hear them so loud in my head and I’m trying to focus and my mom talking to me and it began to irritate me. I was wanted to shout shut up so the thoughts like voices would stop but it took everything in me not to lash out.

I’m worried how much more therapy do I need before I’m cured from this curse called anxiety. I’ve kept how I’ve been feeling inside for a long time and I need to let it out.  Thank God I have my blog to record my thoughts. Honestly a diary app annoys me I prefer to write a blog post so people going through what I am can relate or even reach out. I sometimes get advice from an anxiety group on Facebook call ” Calmer You Community”.  The groups Admin is a psychologist. Often helpful.

Still I’m also going for therapy once a month at a government hospital. I’m not sure how much more therapy I’m gonna need before I’m better.  If things don’t change for me by this end of this year.  I’m thinking of quitting my passion of graphic design and focus the new year on getting a regular job. Of course I will work hard from now till end of this year.  If Gods favor be with me I will succeed. So right now God first, prayer,  therapy and hope it all works out.