Saying Goodbye to my eldest brother

Saying Goodbye to my eldest brother

Hi today I’m sure you read my post earlier about not having a brother to count on. Until tonight I may of gotten those facts wrong. My eldest brother finally came to see us tonight to pick up his clothes and stuff. Before leaving he told my mom everything why he doesn’t come here. Why he had to ignore us.

It seems my eldest brother wife is Is almost bipolar the way she behaves. She told my brother she hates us and actually getting violent about it. How she terrorize him. If my eldest brother has anything to do with us she throws fits and physically abusing my brother. He apologized to my mom,  dad and myself and said sorry for everything. He also apologize that if he is anywhere, like in a mall or anywhere that he is forced to ignore us and must please forgive him because his wife will never allow it.  She will give him hell if he makes any contact with us.

After hearing the truth behind his story it really made me cry to say goodbye also knowing I probably never gonna see him again. Life is so unfair. I think and ask myself how evil can a women can be to not let her husband visit his family.

Anyway I will miss having my eldest brother around. Just feel so hurt right now.

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Why don’t I have a brother I can count on

Why don’t I have a brother I can count on

About a month a go my eldest brother who has forgotten his family visits us.  This is shocking because his not allow to visit us because his wife says so. Then he goes on about and talks about how good his life is without ever caring how my parents are doing. He comes over like nothing wrong. Sometime like a year ago at my aunts funeral he ignored me and my entire family as his wife’s wishes. I can’t explain the anger I felt towards him.

2 weeks ago my brother shows up at our homes saying his having problems with his wife and wants to stay at my home. My mom and dad are soft hearted sometimes and as Christians we are thought to forgive. Which my parents have done. The first few days I tried avoiding talking to him as much as I could. Cause in the end I know he will just leave and abandon our family again never to visit.

By the end of the week I let my feelings of hatred go and talk a little to him. 2 weeks now has passed and it been good until today. Before I explained that. My mom told my eldest brother if his staying here he has to pay board cause they are pensioners and everything from lights, water and food is expensive that his using here. So yesterday he got paid and gave my mom the money for living here. Later today he went shopping and bumped into his wife at the mall and she was furious that my brother has given my parents money for staying here and his wife said she wants the money back now. My parents also went shopping to and spent most of it.

Now my brother is probably go back to his home and never to return because his wife’s doesn’t allow him to visit here. So my heart is broken again. Don’t think I trust my eldest brother again.

What do I live for?

What do I live for?

I’m frustrated with myself these days. I just can’t find a reason or the energy to be excited for anything. I don’t know what this means but it’s makes me mad. I want that feeling as a kid when you get a new toy or present. Like a playstation or new phone. Just something new to be excited for. This feeling what is it. Has anxiety and depression robbed me from happiness to.

Every day just feels like I’m just getting through each day waiting for the day il die and be put out of my misery. Guess after watching a video about entrepreneurship I’ve gotten discouraged and feel like there’s no way I can work for myself as a graphic designer. There’s no hope in this field of work. They are so many better designers than me. Who would be in their right mind to choose me to do their designs I feel.

When you get your hopes broken. It’s like having a miscarriage I’d imagine. Where that hope you have dies. I’m afraid like never before. Not only is my anxiety affecting my work ability but my relationship and social life to. So I feel trapped. The only thing I had to look forward to was meeting up with friends every Friday night but that came to an end to. I hate keeping all this negativity inside me it’s why i write posts like these to relieve myself a little.

If you can offer any advice. Don’t forget to comment.

Going cold turkey without my anxiety meds

Going cold turkey without my anxiety meds

I never knew the term what is going cold turkey till a friend told me. Anyway my mom and many religious people, Assume I’m an addict to my anxiety medication. So on the spur of the moment I decided to go off my anxiety meds for just over a week to prove to myself I’m not an addict.

Day1 : was okay didn’t think much of it.
Day2: things began to get complicated.  Feeling such as fear and hopelessness have become magnified. I had trouble sleeping because I was terrified to falling asleep in case criminals broke in. Fear of never succeeding or getting a job was crazy like never before. By the middle of the week I felt like I was going out of my mind.

Come end of the week I already had 2 panic attacks and threw up. Feeling very sick and noxious.

Maybe I am not addicted but I am helpless with out it. I need to find my faith or some way to start loving my life again.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Lately I’ve been thinking of ways to raise a little money so I can work as a graphic designer from home without reporting to any boss. Cause of my anxiety disorder working for a boss and harsh work environments has been hard and embarrassing when you getting panic attacks on the job. Especially when you feel under pressure.

November 11th I turn 34 and still unemployed and need to do something with my life. Working at a company just hasn’t worked out as you just read. I’m kinda forced to turn to crowd funding here. I’m sure you noticed I hardly ever blog it’s because I have no money for data or Internet. So basically the money I wanna raise is so that I have money to pay for a decent Internet connection so I can do work online and even maybe make money from passive income as a graphic designer.

Of course none of that is gonna happen if I don’t have any money to go online. So I thought I’d write this post and see if it is a good idea to crowd fund or not.
Or if you would like to support me I want to raise a 100$ dollars.  So comment or email me on my blog. Thank you for reading my Blog.

My graphic design dream

My graphic design dream

Hey its me and been thinking about the choices I’ve made and I remembered having a dream of becoming a successful graphic designer but by using free software. Sounds ridiculous right. I gave up on that dream some time ago and started to learn and use industry software and even though I know how to use industry design software well. I haven’t really improved as a designer.  I wonder about why that is I guess.

So not long a go i found a guy online living the dream I dreamt of.  He is using the free software I used to use and his successful and has an impressive portfolio. I was both jealous and inspired by him. This made me rethink what I was doing and maybe I should go back to the dream I had because I haven’t really improved using premium industry software.

Also I wanna make money by making a lot of stock graphics, because dealing with actual clients is a bit much for me cause of my anxiety disorder. Hey these are just thoughts I’m letting out. Whose knows if i will really continue with my original dream I’ve had. Anyway wish me luck just had to say what I was thinking.

God are you there?

God are you there?

These days I’m starting to feel so hopeless inside.  God why do I have this anxiety disorder that’s ruining my life.  I can’t work,  I can’t date,  I can’t do anything by myself without help. I can’t help but wonder if God is real. I feel trapped in like inside an hourglass watching the world and life pass me by as time run out.

I’m trying my best but it isn’t good enough. I’m not a good enough graphic designer yet.  I’m not good enough to handle a job. Dating and being intimate overwhelms me it’s so embarrassing as an 33 old adult. Where did it all go wrong. So God where are you. What is the purpose of my life. Am i suppose to suffer through this anxiety disorder alone.

Lately I even stopped going to church.  Just feel so drained and feel like church is a waste of time.  Honestly it’s not what I believe just how I’m feeling these days. People say do things one step at a time but in the back of my mind my anxiety tells me and feels like I’m running out of time.  So I’m in a constant panic to succeed in life quickly.

I don’t know if you ever asked yourself any of these questions. This isn’t something I wouldn’t discuss about with anyone it’s why I blog and offload my thoughts or I will go crazy.  The truth is I want to believe in God and his plan that there is something better in store for me but it’d hard when the present is so difficult to live through everyday.