Category Archives: Uncategorized

It’s been to long!

I’m sorry for the wait I’ve been procrastinating so long that I couldn’t even make a single decision. Yet alone write a single blog post. Heard this is called analysis paralysis. The advice I was given is to make a decision regardless if it’s good or bad. It’s good advice I think.  Still making a bad decision is scary for my self esteem.

Anyway what I’ve been up to this 2018 so far is looking for a job. Still no luck there. I’m still going for my therapy sessions, which are going well. I’d love to get support from my parents at home like encouragement that there is hope and things will get better. Guess that type of encouragement only happens in the movies.

I’m trying to be more social instead of only texting over the phone and meet people in person. It feels good. These are just some of the few changes I’m making to my life.  So enough about me! And comment and tell me about you think and what you been to.

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Anxiety and Therapy

It’s been like 2 months now I haven’t gone for therapy and I feel so lost. In my therapy session I feel that sense of calm like it’s a safe place and I’m accepted and understood for my anxiety. Sadly because I’ve been become so sick with some kind of chest infection which I honestly thought it was bronchitis.

Therapy does help maybe not over night but it gives me some kind of direction that I should take instead of guessing how to move forward or procrastinating. Honestly I wish my parents would be more supportive about my anxiety they don’t really think much of it as a real problem. I feel alone at home. I’ve also feel like I’ve got no emoticons these days. The only thing I feel now is when fear or when anxiety comes over me.

How did I get here. If only I’ve caught on I’ve had anxiety from a young age maybe I would of been better by now.  Still I’m working with therapy and most of all putting my faith in God so I can be cured of this anxiety.

I’m so tired of writing posts complaining how anxiety is screwing with my life. I want to be writing success posts but life won’t let me.
In truth I’m a slow learner.  It’s hard for me to understand or comprehend things easily. Sometimes I feel so stupid.  It’s probably why I can’t hold a job or cope. There are times where I just wanna be left alone till I die. I hate the person I’ve become.  A person without emotion.  Who doesn’t care about anything anymore just trying to get to the next day in peace.  My mind is a living hell.

I’m hoping with therapy,  prayer this year my life will turn around some how. 

Giving up certain privileges

Hey online world I know it’s been a while. Money is tight for me right now.  So even buying data is a privilege. Unfortunately I have to use carefully the little data I have. From December il only be able to use it for WhatsApp and blog and tweet once a month. Being unemployed is rough but not being able to help out at home is even worst.

I’m currently looking for a part time job which will be more manageable in my anxiety situation. Therapy is helping one step at a time.  I only wish things would get better quickly. Also got a therapy session this Friday which I’m looking forward to. 

Lately I’ve been trying to give my faith some influence in my life i guess there’s something comforting about knowing there’s a higher power looking out for you if you let it.  So yeah I began to pray small prayers every morning.  For some reason I just can’t bring myself to read my bible.

Also November is my birthday month so I’m hoping to celebrate that 🙂

Deactivated my Facebook

Lately I found myself depressed by going on Facebook. The truth is I am a little jealous when I see how much people got going on, in their lives compare to mine.  I know I sound petty.  Maybe anxiety is to blame or I want to blame anxiety. Facebook shows me beautiful women that I know I can’t have.  So much temptation. 

So Facebook has been bad for my mental health and so I decided to deactivate it. I t’s been a few days and honestly I’m feeling better. Maybe it was an addiction to see my Facebook posts how many likes and comments I would get that would determine my worth.  Sounds stupid but it’s how I felt because I needed something to make me like I was important. That I mattered. Sometimes I would check my Facebook every 5 to 10 minutes.

Jackie I will miss

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I had to wake up early because I had an appointment with my psychologist. So I went to the hospital and came home about 2 in the afternoon. Finally got home getting out the car my mom tells me I must see my neighbours are moving cause all their stuff is outside.  My dad went to see my neighbour and when he comes back, he confirms that they moving. It was a huge shock for me. 

Why?  Cause my neighbours Jack Russell dog whose name is Jackie spent most of its days at my house playing with me,  eating here and stuff. So yes I’m attached to the dog like it is my own.  To hear that I might not never see her again is heart breaking. I get along better with dogs than humans. This dog has been a good friend to me.

I know every morning Jackie will come and bite my feet and I’ll carry her.  Sometimes she’s likes to bite my socks and take off and run.  She’s cute like that. It hurts I can’t do anything about it. She’s not my dog 😦 this totally sucks.  Don’t know how I’m going to get over this.

I’ve been struggling

Hi it’s your friendly neighborhood blogger spiderman just kidding. I know I haven’t been consistent lately with my blog Posts.  There’s a reason.  If you read my blog or stumbled upon it you will know I have an anxiety disorder. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed.  It’s takes a lot of effort to do the simplest of things like go outside,  take a walk,  visit a friend.  It feels uncomfortable to leave my room.  Even when my mom would clean my room I would get so angry because I just wanna go lay down on my bed and do nothing but think,  worry and over analyze things.

Been thinking of suicide lately,  that it is easier to skip the hard parts of my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with an anxiety life. I’m going for therapy but it’s to low progress if you ask me.  I’m impatient now.  I want a better life now. I want to be confident now. I want to be a talented, creative and successful graphic designer now.

I’ve been asking myself today why did I have to be born this way.  Why did God make me so weak. I just don’t understand.  Lately I just don’t care about things I loved like success,  social networking, girls, friends, family. It’s like I’m emotionally numb.  Guess being isolated in my room doesn’t make it any easier.

My Psychologist says I’m making progress but I don’t feel like it and he said things will get worst before they get better because my mind is used to being in a certain way and now I’m trying to change that.  So it’s putting up a fight that’s why I’m in the state I am right now.

Anyway I thought I’d just share something to prove I’m still alive.  Lol i know I suck at jokes.  If you reading this advice is welcome please thank you.

Feeling Pressured

Lately I’ve been feeling really pressured in all areas of my life ever since I’ve been to a neighbors funeral this past tuesday. Life is short and the day has only gotten shorter ever since I’ve set goals with deadlines.  Anyway going to that funeral got me thinking! Right now in my life I’m a Loser to peoples standards.  Still I want to achieve success in my parents life time,  while they still alive.  So much pressure comes with these thoughts.

Due to the pressure I’ve been designing poorly and feels I’ve taken steps back in life.  This is frustrating as hell. I’m being stressed out.  On top of that my brother won’t visit home because of his evil wife.  This is hurting my dad which hurts me.  I mean for father’s day not even a phone call or visit.  Which father wouldn’t feel hurt and it hurts me to giving me anxiety and family pressure.

Also a few weeks ago I launched my website as a graphic designer to possibility use as a portfolio and draw in clients.  Now that the site is done.  I feel lots of pressure to design the perfect portfolio.  This pressure isn’t good for me it’s just making me design Crappy designs and doubt myself slash abilities. Anyway sorry for the late post just been busy working on my design website.

I met the perfect girl for me but!

Hey its me again. It’s finally the weekend and didn’t have much planned till a family friend invited my family for a birthday party.  My mom wasn’t to well so I decided I’d go with my dad.  I was really dreading going there. Like?  Whom will I talk to.  Hope we there not to long.

Finally we arrived there I was anxious to want to go home.  I was feeling uncomfortable. Social anxiety you could say. Still I tried to pass time by trying to make conversations with the people I did know.  It helped pass some time but not enough.  Then I noticed a cute girl I didn’t know.  I’ve kept trying to somehow cross paths to make a conversation with her but no luck.

Finally later that night she was outside alone I introduced myself and surprisingly the conversation was flowing like I didn’t have to try.  This has never happened to me before.  We also had a lot In common.  We both loved anime,  comic books,  the same tvshows and so on.  We clicked,  for me that’s a rare thing.  I knew this girl was amazing and I had to get to know her better. So some how I have the courage to ask her for her WhatsApp number I even gave her my phone to enter it.

The only problem was when I messaged her only to realized she added a fake number.  Cause the profile has been used in a week and I saw her use her WhatsApp last night and the profile pic was of a baby of different race and my messages weren’t going through.  I was so heart broken I mean I really liked this girl and she gave me a fake number.  That’s so mean.  I don’t know if I can ever ask a women out or for her number again 😦

The most boring weekend ever!

It’s Saturday not so much a yay day.  I’m actually bored out of my my mind.  Usually my neighbour’s dog Jackie a Jack Russell visits us every day but today she’s nowhere around.  Also no friends in sight.  Hey probably with their wives or girlfriends.  I honestly don’t know what to do.

I did start writing a book.  Only wrote 2 chapters it’s about anxiety.  Still I’m not in the mood to do anymore writing or doing any graphic design.  I want to go out.  Somewhere!  Anywhere but home.  It’s feels like so confined and life has no meaning right now.  Maybe if I had money or a girl friend.  Time would be better spent.

I think I’m just gonna sleep now.  I’m feeling so lazy and down.  It’s dam so hot also.  I know I’m complaining about nothing.  Maybe I’m just frustrated that my hard work is not paying off or the fact that i have so many Facebook friends and WhatsApp contacts and nobody will talk… 

Last night movie primer

Last night was kinda a special night.  A friend of mine made a movie and had a premier for it. I went with him to show my support and I’m glad I did.  It was a great event. Red carpet,  photographers,  selfies with actors and actresses. The atmosphere was amazing. Oh and not to forget the free popcorn and coke.

Even though I had a fall out with this friend in the past due to personal issues. I’ve learnt to forgive and forget. To be honest I was a little jealous last night not of him but of him being brave enough to go for his dreams despite set back after set back. He persevered. It makes me also now not wanna give up.

I think my favorite part of the night was hanging out with beautiful actress. If only they where single I hoped.  Surprisingly I wasn’t shy.  I made small talk without being nervous. It was definitely a night to remember. My only regret is that I don’t have any photos to share.  As you know I love sharing my life with you guys my readers.