Christmas spirit and wish list 

Christmas spirit and wish list 

You ever watch those cheese Christmas movies around the festive time. Where they talk about having the Christmas spirit and there’s usually a lesson in those movies about appreciating family around this time of year. I kinda want that environment and happy ending that comes with those movies. When ever comes year end I kinda want to milk all the happiness I can out of those festive times because on normal days I’m depressed and have usually worried about the future.

Thanks to my anxiety disorder it makes me worry about every out come and every possible future my anxious mind can predict. So far 2019 predictions aren’t so good. I’m afraid for this month to end. Cause come festive time for me it’s not longer reality because of the spirit of Christmas. Where in that time I sometimes wanna believe everything will align and be just right. Maybe I’ve been watching to many movies. It’s just how I feel. I’m hoping for a Christmas miracle. Which is to get a job I can do and manage in. 

If I got that ideal job. Then it will be a miracle. If you wondering why it would be a miracle. Firstly cause of my anxiety I can’t work under pressure. Secondly where I’m from south africa. Unemployment is high and companies are legally allowed to hire majority blacks, and other races is a lower percentage. Since I’m an Indian I fall in that less percentage of people they may hire. It’s bad enough I enough I have to worry about getting a job to support my family and I. Also have to worry about a racist Hitler on the rise trying to take over the country and kill whites and eventually other races. So I’m scared for the future especially with elections around the corner in 2019 

My wish list and miracles is. 

-God saves South Africa and help the people in poverty 

-God brings hope to the hopeless

-I get that idea job i can do. 

-God give peace and provides for the lonely and broken hearted

There are many things I want to wish for but for now these will do. I know you hear me complain about my anxiety all the time. It’s only cause it’s affects me so badly. Living in fear all the time. Having to put expirational dates on my happiness. I am haunted by my anxiety and afraid to be happy. I’m sure you had that experience where you where one moment so happy and then something happens that the kills it. That’s what anxiety does to me like everyday. So as a coping measure I don’t be happy cause I’m not disappointed because I knew that would happen. 

In need of a second third chance at life

In need of a second third chance at life

Hi I’d like to apologise for deleting my previous post. I just felt it was to personal to be out there. Anyway I’ve made many mistakes in the past and recently. I don’t know how many of you have a hard time forgiving yourself. I guess I am. This inner struggle takes a toll on my mental health. That’s why I can’t wait for next month to see my psychologist. I haven’t been to therapy for a while and I do feel lost without the help.

I hate making so many mistakes that it feels like you can’t come back from it. Having anxiety makes life a lot scarier. I can’t tell you how many times I wish death upon myself. I just wish life to be over or skip the hard parts in life. Feeling overwhelmed of fear. Feeling alone. Also I choose to isolate myself from the world because I just can’t seem to connect with people. 

Despite my mistakes and bad mental health and even though I feel I don’t deserve forgiveness. I pray that I will be forgiven for anything I have done wrong. People are not perfect. So don’t expect them to be. So hopefully I am given a second third chance at life. Even though my dream is to become a successful graphic designer and to inspire others. Right now I just don’t have the will to go on right now. I need sometime to get my mind and spirit right. So I’m going get more into church and hope God can show me the way and give me hope again. 

Opportunity Arises 

Opportunity Arises 

Lately I’ve been looking for work despite my anxiety and still no luck. So I decided to do some voluntary graphic design work to improve my portfolio. So I started off with a good attitude and started designing as the client asked but the revisions he wanted began to become torture. If I was normal without anxiety maybe it would be easier to deal with clients. I didn’t care that I was doing it for free but I just needed the client to know what he wanted but he didn’t and he drove me crazy but I didn’t tell him anything. Finally we almost done just waiting for him to finalise things.

Later on a friend helped me get a paid client. Which was awesome. Worked on a lot of revisions but finally got to a finishing line. Though I realised that maybe I’m not cut out for this. I’ve never been able to do anything on my own. Not get a client. Not get a job. My friends always helped me which is awesome. For once I want to do something on my own and succeed. Even my friends have graphic design skills and often I feel they better than me in everything. Even graphic design the very thing I dedicated my life to. I feel insecure. Maybe it’s the anxiety or depression talking.

Why can’t I do stuff on my own. I hate being a loser. When I try to speak with confidence a cowardly voice comes out instead. I’m always cut off when I talk which is a sign of weakness. I just feel like there’s nothing I can do anymore that I will succeed. I wanted to do animation but is it worth investing in. Even graphic design they don’t seem to be a lot of work or anyone who needs these services anymore. I think maybe by the end of this year I just may give up graphic design. I owe a lot to my friends who helped me along the way. In the end anxiety has beaten me. I need time to think I guess.

Anxious predictions

Anxious predictions

I woke up this morning thinking today is filled with possibilities and opportunities. You know I’m trying to keep that positive mindset. I pray and do my best to let go of my anxieties and fears and leave it to God. Later though my mind reminds what opportunities! You unemployed. You suck and if you don’t change your life now. You’ve not gonna make it. You will be alone. 
Even though I despise my anxiety, but this time I can’t ignore the fact this could become a reality. Accepting my anxiety thoughts. With a harsh reality in the back of my mind its hard to be positive. I’ve already applied for jobs and still no replies. I some how feel like it’s my fault because I’m sending out negatively energy or something.  

There are many conclusions in my mind. 
Now I need a plan to change my life I’ve set many goals. I achieved some and others just seem out of my reach. Also getting a job as a goal is not possible because! You can say this month I’m gonna get a job and you can do all you can but if nobody will hire you then it’s out of your control or I just really suck at goal setting. 
So I’ve had good advice given to me. Been for therapy. So if I’m nowhere still! does this mean my anxiety predictions of my future is possible? Or am I being deceived by my anxiety again.

Blaming anxiety and the past

Blaming anxiety and the past

You know that feeling when you hurting and angry with the world you just need to blame something for it. To get some kind of closure.  Regardless, Closure isn’t gonna help my life. I’ve been thinking. If I knew I had anxiety back in school maybe I could of improved my focus and contrition to well. Get some kinda help back then, but instead I failed my matric because I sucked at Afrikaans and that failed me to.  Due to that I believed I wasn’t smart enough and it echoed throughout my life. When ever things get to hard. That feeling and voice is telling me . You can’t do it . You’re not smart enough. Which builds up to being overwhelmed and panic. It’s how I often gotten panic attacks.

So lately I have been blaming a past I cannot change. How stupid of me right. Well that’s what anxiety does to you. It blinds you with one issue to avoid another. Now that I think about it anxiety is one devious disorder. So what’s my thought process Thanks to anxiety.  Well I didn’t get my matric so gonna have a hard time getting a job and if I do get a job I’m not smart enough to hold on to it. How fucked up is that. It’s technically like a mental prison. I could go on and on about how bad anxiety has been to me but maybe in a book one day.

Count yourself lucky if you have a relationship. Working in a job regularly because some of us have a hard time doing what comes easy to others. I envy the average worker who goes to work everyday and think I wish I could do that because he or she is good as their job that they are doing it for years.

Life is complicated. We all want something someone else has. Maybe not their life but their live style environment. I wish I could offer more hope on my blog but this anxiety battle is an on of thing.

Saying Goodbye to my eldest brother

Saying Goodbye to my eldest brother

Hi today I’m sure you read my post earlier about not having a brother to count on. Until tonight I may of gotten those facts wrong. My eldest brother finally came to see us tonight to pick up his clothes and stuff. Before leaving he told my mom everything why he doesn’t come here. Why he had to ignore us.

It seems my eldest brother wife is Is almost bipolar the way she behaves. She told my brother she hates us and actually getting violent about it. How she terrorize him. If my eldest brother has anything to do with us she throws fits and physically abusing my brother. He apologized to my mom,  dad and myself and said sorry for everything. He also apologize that if he is anywhere, like in a mall or anywhere that he is forced to ignore us and must please forgive him because his wife will never allow it.  She will give him hell if he makes any contact with us.

After hearing the truth behind his story it really made me cry to say goodbye also knowing I probably never gonna see him again. Life is so unfair. I think and ask myself how evil can a women can be to not let her husband visit his family.

Anyway I will miss having my eldest brother around. Just feel so hurt right now.

Why don’t I have a brother I can count on

Why don’t I have a brother I can count on

About a month a go my eldest brother who has forgotten his family visits us.  This is shocking because his not allow to visit us because his wife says so. Then he goes on about and talks about how good his life is without ever caring how my parents are doing. He comes over like nothing wrong. Sometime like a year ago at my aunts funeral he ignored me and my entire family as his wife’s wishes. I can’t explain the anger I felt towards him.

2 weeks ago my brother shows up at our homes saying his having problems with his wife and wants to stay at my home. My mom and dad are soft hearted sometimes and as Christians we are thought to forgive. Which my parents have done. The first few days I tried avoiding talking to him as much as I could. Cause in the end I know he will just leave and abandon our family again never to visit.

By the end of the week I let my feelings of hatred go and talk a little to him. 2 weeks now has passed and it been good until today. Before I explained that. My mom told my eldest brother if his staying here he has to pay board cause they are pensioners and everything from lights, water and food is expensive that his using here. So yesterday he got paid and gave my mom the money for living here. Later today he went shopping and bumped into his wife at the mall and she was furious that my brother has given my parents money for staying here and his wife said she wants the money back now. My parents also went shopping to and spent most of it.

Now my brother is probably go back to his home and never to return because his wife’s doesn’t allow him to visit here. So my heart is broken again. Don’t think I trust my eldest brother again.