Hi it’s your friendly neighborhood blogger spiderman just kidding. I know I haven’t been consistent lately with my blog Posts. There’s a reason. If you read my blog or stumbled upon it you will know I have an anxiety disorder. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s takes a lot of effort to do the simplest of things like go outside, take a walk, visit a friend. It feels uncomfortable to leave my room. Even when my mom would clean my room I would get so angry because I just wanna go lay down on my bed and do nothing but think, worry and over analyze things.
Been thinking of suicide lately, that it is easier to skip the hard parts of my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with an anxiety life. I’m going for therapy but it’s to low progress if you ask me. I’m impatient now. I want a better life now. I want to be confident now. I want to be a talented, creative and successful graphic designer now.
I’ve been asking myself today why did I have to be born this way. Why did God make me so weak. I just don’t understand. Lately I just don’t care about things I loved like success, social networking, girls, friends, family. It’s like I’m emotionally numb. Guess being isolated in my room doesn’t make it any easier.
My Psychologist says I’m making progress but I don’t feel like it and he said things will get worst before they get better because my mind is used to being in a certain way and now I’m trying to change that. So it’s putting up a fight that’s why I’m in the state I am right now.
Anyway I thought I’d just share something to prove I’m still alive. Lol i know I suck at jokes. If you reading this advice is welcome please thank you.
Lately I’ve been feeling really pressured in all areas of my life ever since I’ve been to a neighbors funeral this past tuesday. Life is short and the day has only gotten shorter ever since I’ve set goals with deadlines. Anyway going to that funeral got me thinking! Right now in my life I’m a Loser to peoples standards. Still I want to achieve success in my parents life time, while they still alive. So much pressure comes with these thoughts.
Due to the pressure I’ve been designing poorly and feels I’ve taken steps back in life. This is frustrating as hell. I’m being stressed out. On top of that my brother won’t visit home because of his evil wife. This is hurting my dad which hurts me. I mean for father’s day not even a phone call or visit. Which father wouldn’t feel hurt and it hurts me to giving me anxiety and family pressure.
Also a few weeks ago I launched my website as a graphic designer to possibility use as a portfolio and draw in clients. Now that the site is done. I feel lots of pressure to design the perfect portfolio. This pressure isn’t good for me it’s just making me design Crappy designs and doubt myself slash abilities. Anyway sorry for the late post just been busy working on my design website.
Hey its me again. It’s finally the weekend and didn’t have much planned till a family friend invited my family for a birthday party. My mom wasn’t to well so I decided I’d go with my dad. I was really dreading going there. Like? Whom will I talk to. Hope we there not to long.
Finally we arrived there I was anxious to want to go home. I was feeling uncomfortable. Social anxiety you could say. Still I tried to pass time by trying to make conversations with the people I did know. It helped pass some time but not enough. Then I noticed a cute girl I didn’t know. I’ve kept trying to somehow cross paths to make a conversation with her but no luck.
Finally later that night she was outside alone I introduced myself and surprisingly the conversation was flowing like I didn’t have to try. This has never happened to me before. We also had a lot In common. We both loved anime, comic books, the same tvshows and so on. We clicked, for me that’s a rare thing. I knew this girl was amazing and I had to get to know her better. So some how I have the courage to ask her for her WhatsApp number I even gave her my phone to enter it.
The only problem was when I messaged her only to realized she added a fake number. Cause the profile has been used in a week and I saw her use her WhatsApp last night and the profile pic was of a baby of different race and my messages weren’t going through. I was so heart broken I mean I really liked this girl and she gave me a fake number. That’s so mean. I don’t know if I can ever ask a women out or for her number again 😦
It’s Saturday not so much a yay day. I’m actually bored out of my my mind. Usually my neighbour’s dog Jackie a Jack Russell visits us every day but today she’s nowhere around. Also no friends in sight. Hey probably with their wives or girlfriends. I honestly don’t know what to do.
I did start writing a book. Only wrote 2 chapters it’s about anxiety. Still I’m not in the mood to do anymore writing or doing any graphic design. I want to go out. Somewhere! Anywhere but home. It’s feels like so confined and life has no meaning right now. Maybe if I had money or a girl friend. Time would be better spent.
I think I’m just gonna sleep now. I’m feeling so lazy and down. It’s dam so hot also. I know I’m complaining about nothing. Maybe I’m just frustrated that my hard work is not paying off or the fact that i have so many Facebook friends and WhatsApp contacts and nobody will talk…
Last night was kinda a special night. A friend of mine made a movie and had a premier for it. I went with him to show my support and I’m glad I did. It was a great event. Red carpet, photographers, selfies with actors and actresses. The atmosphere was amazing. Oh and not to forget the free popcorn and coke.
Even though I had a fall out with this friend in the past due to personal issues. I’ve learnt to forgive and forget. To be honest I was a little jealous last night not of him but of him being brave enough to go for his dreams despite set back after set back. He persevered. It makes me also now not wanna give up.
I think my favorite part of the night was hanging out with beautiful actress. If only they where single I hoped. Surprisingly I wasn’t shy. I made small talk without being nervous. It was definitely a night to remember. My only regret is that I don’t have any photos to share. As you know I love sharing my life with you guys my readers.
Today I woke up about half past five this morning to go to the hospital to see the psychiatric doctor. The worst thing about going to a government hospital is the long lines in front of you. It’s why I had to wake up so early to beat the crowd so I can get a good spot in the line to see the psych doctor.
Minutes felt like hours for someone suffering with an anxiety disorder. It was frustrating the line hasn’t moved in an hour. These nurse not even doing anything. People in my line complained to the hospital staff and replied go relax and wait. So rude.
Anyway finally I got my file and there after had to go wait in yet again in another line for the doctor. In my mind I’m thinking when is this day gonna end. I rather die than sit another minute. Eventually I made some conversation with some people and an interesting topic came up. Lady whose also Christian not judging mental illness but talking to me about it the right way. Where that even though I’m seeking help, that I should still pray and trust God. Sometimes God has his ways of helping us. Weather through miracles or doctors. Cause in the past I’ve been judge by fellow Christians for having anxiety like an evil spirit. Now I know not all Christians are close minded. Then finally after hours of waiting it was my turn to see the doctor.
We discussed my process and set backs and also that my clinic has prescribed me wrong medication all this time. So the doctor had to write me a new script to collect new medication for my anxiety and must try it for the next month and come back in a months time to see if the meds are helping or not. Also to discuss the way forward. I pray these meds help me, not just with my anxiety but for my attention disorder to.
Lately I find myself to have a best friend called jackie! She’s a dog, breed: jack russel. Cute brown and white dog and so small that you can easily carry her. She’s not my dog but my opposite neighbours. She’s in and out my house most of the time with a small hole in the fence she made. I honestly don’t mind either do my parents. They have also taken a liking to her.
Anyway as for my blog title. Well guess I lately I don’t see my friend as much as I’d like. I understand some of them are busy with work and wives or girl friends and other don’t even reply to a text which is frustrating. This has left me feeling kinda alone.
When I had my own dogs they used to keep me so busy. I still miss them. They where my best friends even back then. Now that they gone and no friends in sight. I’m grateful my neighbours dog “jackie” visits so often. She helps make time go by. She’s not your ordinary jack russel. Honestly she can play and play and won’t be tired but I’d be completely drained. I had to make toys for her since she likes to bite things. Like my mom’s duster, my sandals, one old rope etc.
Jackie has become a part of my life and my family now. In fact she loves my dad more than anyone. I’m just kinda afraid I don’t have to go through such a loss like I did with my own dogs. I barely recovered from that. I know I have a lot of love to give even if she isn’t my dog.
Lately I found myself thinking a lot about the type of graphic designer I want to be. I mean everyone now days knows how to usephotoshop and add a few text and effects and you got a poster! But with illustration it starts from scratch and the design is what ever you want it to be. 100 per cent your creation. Of course there are people who actually do know what they doing in photoshop as graphic designers that I admire. But this is just me choosing a different path.
Besides being an illustrator would also be something of a childhood dream of mine come true. As a kid I always love to draw my cartoon characters. Even though I’m a crappy artist software like photoshop and illustrator help you improve with lots of practice.
For the last few months I have been practising a lot and my drawing are less bad than before. Small improvement I guess. I do feel like a
kid again taking this direction in design. I guess after going for that design conference last month helped me come to the decision of being an illustrator. Meeting my local hero and artist telling me I can do it. Who wouldn’t feel inspired by that.
Anyway its just what I’ve been thinking about lately and since I
haven’t blogged as much I should I thought I was about time to write a
post. Besides I’m working on starting a graphic design blog soon. Getting a name for it is usually the hardest part. I’ve learnt a lot in the last few years and I’d love to give back and share my experiences.
Have an awesome weekend my blog family and here’s some simple work I’ve done recently 🙂
Hi bloggersphere finally I have some good news to post. Before I get to last night’s design event I must tell you how I got invited to such an event. A while back I saw a graphic designer in the paper and she suffers with anxiety like I do and even lives in the same town that I live in. I had to friend her on Facebook and tell her how much her story inspired me. After that we gotten a bit closer. She even gave me advice on how I should improve as a graphic designer. Anyway last week she inboxed me and invited for last night’s event.
I was so nervous going alone and very anxious to talk to anyone since everyone else came in groups. Sure at first I had my doubts for coming at 1st since I was alone. I tried to make conversation with some designers and they where uptight and wanted to only talk with the people and group they came with. Anyway later on I started a conversation with the guys sitting in front on me and they where cool. One of them a writer and the other a comic book artist. So I asked them they if they did any comic book drawing like anime style. So he asked me if I was into anime and from there on we basically became friends and had stuff in common.
Points I took to heart from the speakers as a graphic designer.
1) Experiment at first what design or art form you like to do. Example digital painting art or vector art designs and then the one you feel most comfortable doing, stick with it and master it.
2) doesn’t matter if your work sucks. If your a writer or designer. Keep doing it till you get an audience that will help you improve and know who to write and design for.
3) keep putting your work out there. Day in and day out on your social media. Don’t be afraid. You never know where your next job or client could come from. Become your biggest fan slash brand and portray your skill on your social accounts so people know exactly what you do.
Anyway after the event finish people where told to go the table and collaborate with artists in trying to draw a comic. It was fun. Something I’ve never done before. Also before I left I made sure to greet the girl who invited me for the event. Since I never met her in person it was a huge honour. She said she wasn’t sure if it was me until I introduced myself. She didn’t want to say anything in case it was the wrong person. Anyway she was so glad I came and told her how much it meant to me that she thought of inviting me and how much I admired her work as a graphic designer. So this morning she inboxed me on Facebook thanking me and told me how much it meant that I came to the event. Guess it was a great way to start today. 🙂
Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.
Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.
I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.