Tag Archives: anxiety

It’s been to long!

I’m sorry for the wait I’ve been procrastinating so long that I couldn’t even make a single decision. Yet alone write a single blog post. Heard this is called analysis paralysis. The advice I was given is to make a decision regardless if it’s good or bad. It’s good advice I think.  Still making a bad decision is scary for my self esteem.

Anyway what I’ve been up to this 2018 so far is looking for a job. Still no luck there. I’m still going for my therapy sessions, which are going well. I’d love to get support from my parents at home like encouragement that there is hope and things will get better. Guess that type of encouragement only happens in the movies.

I’m trying to be more social instead of only texting over the phone and meet people in person. It feels good. These are just some of the few changes I’m making to my life.  So enough about me! And comment and tell me about you think and what you been to.

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Anxiety and Therapy

It’s been like 2 months now I haven’t gone for therapy and I feel so lost. In my therapy session I feel that sense of calm like it’s a safe place and I’m accepted and understood for my anxiety. Sadly because I’ve been become so sick with some kind of chest infection which I honestly thought it was bronchitis.

Therapy does help maybe not over night but it gives me some kind of direction that I should take instead of guessing how to move forward or procrastinating. Honestly I wish my parents would be more supportive about my anxiety they don’t really think much of it as a real problem. I feel alone at home. I’ve also feel like I’ve got no emoticons these days. The only thing I feel now is when fear or when anxiety comes over me.

How did I get here. If only I’ve caught on I’ve had anxiety from a young age maybe I would of been better by now.  Still I’m working with therapy and most of all putting my faith in God so I can be cured of this anxiety.

I’m so tired of writing posts complaining how anxiety is screwing with my life. I want to be writing success posts but life won’t let me.
In truth I’m a slow learner.  It’s hard for me to understand or comprehend things easily. Sometimes I feel so stupid.  It’s probably why I can’t hold a job or cope. There are times where I just wanna be left alone till I die. I hate the person I’ve become.  A person without emotion.  Who doesn’t care about anything anymore just trying to get to the next day in peace.  My mind is a living hell.

I’m hoping with therapy,  prayer this year my life will turn around some how. 

Holding on to dreams or let them go!

It’s weird people say think positive.  When you finally do and get in gear to star tackling your goals!  I end up getting very sick with flu,  asthma and eventually bronchitis.  Been sick for 3 weeks now. I even been to the doctors and the medication are all finished and flu has still not left me.  I’m starting to think maybe it’s destiny that success isn’t for me.  Every time I try to do something with my life, bad things happens to confirm that success isn’t for me. It just a thought for now.

I suppose to look for work this month and practice being confident but I ended up being sick.  With my dad not working I really wanna try and do something now to help bring income to our home.  Sadly I put my dreams of being a freelance graphic designer first and maybe it’s time to let that become a hobby than a dream so that I won’t lose it completely.

It’s been to long!

I’m sorry for the wait I’ve been procrastinating so long that I couldn’t even make a single decision.  Yet alone write a single blog post.  Heard this is called analysis paralysis. The advice I was given is to make a decision regardless if it’s good or bad. It’s good advice I think.  Still making a bad decision is scary for my self esteem.

Anyway what I’ve been up to this 2018 so far is looking for a job. Still no luck there.  I’m still going for my therapy sessions, which are going well. I’d love to get support from my parents at home like encouragement that there is hope and things will get better. Guess that type of encouragement only happens in the movies.

I’m trying to be more social instead of only texting over the phone and meet people in person. It feels good. These are just some of the few changes I’m making to my life.  So enough about me comment and tell me what you think and been.

Giving up certain privileges

Hey online world I know it’s been a while. Money is tight for me right now.  So even buying data is a privilege. Unfortunately I have to use carefully the little data I have. From December il only be able to use it for WhatsApp and blog and tweet once a month. Being unemployed is rough but not being able to help out at home is even worst.

I’m currently looking for a part time job which will be more manageable in my anxiety situation. Therapy is helping one step at a time.  I only wish things would get better quickly. Also got a therapy session this Friday which I’m looking forward to. 

Lately I’ve been trying to give my faith some influence in my life i guess there’s something comforting about knowing there’s a higher power looking out for you if you let it.  So yeah I began to pray small prayers every morning.  For some reason I just can’t bring myself to read my bible.

Also November is my birthday month so I’m hoping to celebrate that 🙂

Deactivated my Facebook

Lately I found myself depressed by going on Facebook. The truth is I am a little jealous when I see how much people got going on, in their lives compare to mine.  I know I sound petty.  Maybe anxiety is to blame or I want to blame anxiety. Facebook shows me beautiful women that I know I can’t have.  So much temptation. 

So Facebook has been bad for my mental health and so I decided to deactivate it. I t’s been a few days and honestly I’m feeling better. Maybe it was an addiction to see my Facebook posts how many likes and comments I would get that would determine my worth.  Sounds stupid but it’s how I felt because I needed something to make me like I was important. That I mattered. Sometimes I would check my Facebook every 5 to 10 minutes.

How much more therapy do I need?

Hey bloggersphere its me living in my own little anxiety world filled of worries and stress.  Doesn’t sound fun right!  Cause it isn’t. This past weekend I almost found myself lashing out at my mom in anxious rage because my mind was going crazy with anxious thoughts. I could hear them so loud in my head and I’m trying to focus and my mom talking to me and it began to irritate me. I was wanted to shout shut up so the thoughts like voices would stop but it took everything in me not to lash out.

I’m worried how much more therapy do I need before I’m cured from this curse called anxiety. I’ve kept how I’ve been feeling inside for a long time and I need to let it out.  Thank God I have my blog to record my thoughts. Honestly a diary app annoys me I prefer to write a blog post so people going through what I am can relate or even reach out. I sometimes get advice from an anxiety group on Facebook call ” Calmer You Community”.  The groups Admin is a psychologist. Often helpful.

Still I’m also going for therapy once a month at a government hospital. I’m not sure how much more therapy I’m gonna need before I’m better.  If things don’t change for me by this end of this year.  I’m thinking of quitting my passion of graphic design and focus the new year on getting a regular job. Of course I will work hard from now till end of this year.  If Gods favor be with me I will succeed. So right now God first, prayer,  therapy and hope it all works out.

I’ve been struggling

Hi it’s your friendly neighborhood blogger spiderman just kidding. I know I haven’t been consistent lately with my blog Posts.  There’s a reason.  If you read my blog or stumbled upon it you will know I have an anxiety disorder. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed.  It’s takes a lot of effort to do the simplest of things like go outside,  take a walk,  visit a friend.  It feels uncomfortable to leave my room.  Even when my mom would clean my room I would get so angry because I just wanna go lay down on my bed and do nothing but think,  worry and over analyze things.

Been thinking of suicide lately,  that it is easier to skip the hard parts of my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with an anxiety life. I’m going for therapy but it’s to low progress if you ask me.  I’m impatient now.  I want a better life now. I want to be confident now. I want to be a talented, creative and successful graphic designer now.

I’ve been asking myself today why did I have to be born this way.  Why did God make me so weak. I just don’t understand.  Lately I just don’t care about things I loved like success,  social networking, girls, friends, family. It’s like I’m emotionally numb.  Guess being isolated in my room doesn’t make it any easier.

My Psychologist says I’m making progress but I don’t feel like it and he said things will get worst before they get better because my mind is used to being in a certain way and now I’m trying to change that.  So it’s putting up a fight that’s why I’m in the state I am right now.

Anyway I thought I’d just share something to prove I’m still alive.  Lol i know I suck at jokes.  If you reading this advice is welcome please thank you.

Feeling Pressured

Lately I’ve been feeling really pressured in all areas of my life ever since I’ve been to a neighbors funeral this past tuesday. Life is short and the day has only gotten shorter ever since I’ve set goals with deadlines.  Anyway going to that funeral got me thinking! Right now in my life I’m a Loser to peoples standards.  Still I want to achieve success in my parents life time,  while they still alive.  So much pressure comes with these thoughts.

Due to the pressure I’ve been designing poorly and feels I’ve taken steps back in life.  This is frustrating as hell. I’m being stressed out.  On top of that my brother won’t visit home because of his evil wife.  This is hurting my dad which hurts me.  I mean for father’s day not even a phone call or visit.  Which father wouldn’t feel hurt and it hurts me to giving me anxiety and family pressure.

Also a few weeks ago I launched my website as a graphic designer to possibility use as a portfolio and draw in clients.  Now that the site is done.  I feel lots of pressure to design the perfect portfolio.  This pressure isn’t good for me it’s just making me design Crappy designs and doubt myself slash abilities. Anyway sorry for the late post just been busy working on my design website.

New anxiety medication! Prescribed

Today I woke up about half past five this morning to go to the hospital to see the psychiatric doctor.  The worst thing about going to a government hospital is the long lines in front of you.  It’s why I had to wake up so early to beat the crowd so I can get a good spot in the line to see the psych doctor. 

Minutes felt like hours for someone suffering with an anxiety disorder.  It was frustrating the line hasn’t moved in an hour.  These nurse not even doing anything. People in my line complained to the hospital staff and replied go relax and wait.  So rude.

Anyway finally I got my file and there after had to go wait in yet again in another line for the doctor. In my mind I’m thinking when is this day gonna end.  I rather die than sit another minute.  Eventually I made some conversation with some people and an interesting topic came up.  Lady whose also Christian not judging mental illness but talking to me about it the right way.  Where that even though I’m seeking help,  that I should still pray and trust God.  Sometimes God has his ways of helping us.  Weather through miracles or doctors.  Cause in the past I’ve been judge by fellow Christians for having anxiety like an evil spirit. Now I know not all Christians are close minded. Then finally after hours of waiting it was my turn to see the doctor.

We discussed my process and set backs and also that my clinic has prescribed me wrong medication all this time.  So the doctor had to write me a new script to collect new medication for my anxiety and must try it for the next month and come back in a months time to see if the meds are helping or not.  Also to discuss the way forward.  I pray these meds help me, not just with my anxiety but for my attention disorder to.