Anxious predictions

Anxious predictions

I woke up this morning thinking today is filled with possibilities and opportunities. You know I’m trying to keep that positive mindset. I pray and do my best to let go of my anxieties and fears and leave it to God. Later though my mind reminds what opportunities! You unemployed. You suck and if you don’t change your life now. You’ve not gonna make it. You will be alone. 
Even though I despise my anxiety, but this time I can’t ignore the fact this could become a reality. Accepting my anxiety thoughts. With a harsh reality in the back of my mind its hard to be positive. I’ve already applied for jobs and still no replies. I some how feel like it’s my fault because I’m sending out negatively energy or something.  

There are many conclusions in my mind. 
Now I need a plan to change my life I’ve set many goals. I achieved some and others just seem out of my reach. Also getting a job as a goal is not possible because! You can say this month I’m gonna get a job and you can do all you can but if nobody will hire you then it’s out of your control or I just really suck at goal setting. 
So I’ve had good advice given to me. Been for therapy. So if I’m nowhere still! does this mean my anxiety predictions of my future is possible? Or am I being deceived by my anxiety again.

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Celebrating my 34th birthday today :) 

Celebrating my 34th birthday today :) 

Today for the first time I can honestly say I was happy being surrounded by family and loved ones. Wishes from my close friends and family. Oh even lots of facebook friends sent me birthday wishes. Today I felt like I had some worth. A day I can truly celebrate and not feel guilty about it. 

I was happy that blessing where prayed upon me. Giving me a sense of hope like things are going to finally work out. I’m so tired after having a braai for supper. I’m so stuffed I can’t eat anymore. I ate so much grilled chicken and cake I feel like a whale. This is good. Getting so caught up in the moment and being happy that there was no place for anxiety today. 

What do I live for?

What do I live for?

I’m frustrated with myself these days. I just can’t find a reason or the energy to be excited for anything. I don’t know what this means but it’s makes me mad. I want that feeling as a kid when you get a new toy or present. Like a playstation or new phone. Just something new to be excited for. This feeling what is it. Has anxiety and depression robbed me from happiness to.

Every day just feels like I’m just getting through each day waiting for the day il die and be put out of my misery. Guess after watching a video about entrepreneurship I’ve gotten discouraged and feel like there’s no way I can work for myself as a graphic designer. There’s no hope in this field of work. They are so many better designers than me. Who would be in their right mind to choose me to do their designs I feel.

When you get your hopes broken. It’s like having a miscarriage I’d imagine. Where that hope you have dies. I’m afraid like never before. Not only is my anxiety affecting my work ability but my relationship and social life to. So I feel trapped. The only thing I had to look forward to was meeting up with friends every Friday night but that came to an end to. I hate keeping all this negativity inside me it’s why i write posts like these to relieve myself a little.

If you can offer any advice. Don’t forget to comment.

Going cold turkey without my anxiety meds

Going cold turkey without my anxiety meds

I never knew the term what is going cold turkey till a friend told me. Anyway my mom and many religious people, Assume I’m an addict to my anxiety medication. So on the spur of the moment I decided to go off my anxiety meds for just over a week to prove to myself I’m not an addict.

Day1 : was okay didn’t think much of it.
Day2: things began to get complicated.  Feeling such as fear and hopelessness have become magnified. I had trouble sleeping because I was terrified to falling asleep in case criminals broke in. Fear of never succeeding or getting a job was crazy like never before. By the middle of the week I felt like I was going out of my mind.

Come end of the week I already had 2 panic attacks and threw up. Feeling very sick and noxious.

Maybe I am not addicted but I am helpless with out it. I need to find my faith or some way to start loving my life again.

Believe in me!

Believe in me!

Hi I’m not sure if you ever watched one of those movies where! The parent tells their son of daughter. You can do anything I believe you can do it and I’ll support you in whatever you decide. Unfortunately in my case reality isn’t the same. I want to work hard and focus on becoming a successful graphic designer but to them it’s not important. When ever I’m designing anything I’m disturbed like a hundred times for little things. I loose my focus cause of my anxiety and it’s not easy to pick up where I left off. So I become so drained and stop designing.

Wish they would take my dreams seriously and my anxiety. Sometimes I feel so judged mentally wondering what they think of me and sometimes my anxiety exaggerates things. Support would mean the world but life isn’t like those movies. Honestly I’d give anything to have someone believe in me and constantly be there to encourage me. Guess I’m being selfish wanting a movie moment.

Don’t get me wrong my parents love me just that Hey have an old mentally because of their own up bringing. I love my parents to and wish the relationship could change to supportiveness instead of get any job and that’s life.

Back in therapy after ages

Back in therapy after ages

It’s been after 3 months that I’ve been back in therapy. Today’s session was good,  productive even. Learning what’s causing my anxiety. It’s mostly my core beliefs, that my thoughts process  when ever I do anything. It tells me I’m not smart enough or don’t have what it takes.

Also there’s been a lot of physical symptoms these few months. When I’m anxious I get this annoying cough. Also my stomach feels knotted. Thirdly I’m not sleeping at night. My mind is over thinking and analyzing my life. It seems now I need my to focus a lot on mindfulness my Psychologist suggests. Because I’m not living in the present moment because my anxiety is always trying to predict slash fear the future.

I have now an idea of what I must do. Today I’ve done something very stupid. I was joking with a friend and kinda hurt him in the processes. So Zak if you reading this I’m so sorry bro. I’m deeply sorry and promise nothing like that will ever happen again.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Lately I’ve been thinking of ways to raise a little money so I can work as a graphic designer from home without reporting to any boss. Cause of my anxiety disorder working for a boss and harsh work environments has been hard and embarrassing when you getting panic attacks on the job. Especially when you feel under pressure.

November 11th I turn 34 and still unemployed and need to do something with my life. Working at a company just hasn’t worked out as you just read. I’m kinda forced to turn to crowd funding here. I’m sure you noticed I hardly ever blog it’s because I have no money for data or Internet. So basically the money I wanna raise is so that I have money to pay for a decent Internet connection so I can do work online and even maybe make money from passive income as a graphic designer.

Of course none of that is gonna happen if I don’t have any money to go online. So I thought I’d write this post and see if it is a good idea to crowd fund or not.
Or if you would like to support me I want to raise a 100$ dollars.  So comment or email me on my blog. Thank you for reading my Blog.