Today I woke up about half past five this morning to go to the hospital to see the psychiatric doctor. The worst thing about going to a government hospital is the long lines in front of you. It’s why I had to wake up so early to beat the crowd so I can get a good spot in the line to see the psych doctor.
Minutes felt like hours for someone suffering with an anxiety disorder. It was frustrating the line hasn’t moved in an hour. These nurse not even doing anything. People in my line complained to the hospital staff and replied go relax and wait. So rude.
Anyway finally I got my file and there after had to go wait in yet again in another line for the doctor. In my mind I’m thinking when is this day gonna end. I rather die than sit another minute. Eventually I made some conversation with some people and an interesting topic came up. Lady whose also Christian not judging mental illness but talking to me about it the right way. Where that even though I’m seeking help, that I should still pray and trust God. Sometimes God has his ways of helping us. Weather through miracles or doctors. Cause in the past I’ve been judge by fellow Christians for having anxiety like an evil spirit. Now I know not all Christians are close minded. Then finally after hours of waiting it was my turn to see the doctor.
We discussed my process and set backs and also that my clinic has prescribed me wrong medication all this time. So the doctor had to write me a new script to collect new medication for my anxiety and must try it for the next month and come back in a months time to see if the meds are helping or not. Also to discuss the way forward. I pray these meds help me, not just with my anxiety but for my attention disorder to.
Hi everyone I know it’s been a while. Recently I’ve finished with group therapy which was a new experience but I still prefer individual therapy. Also the psychologists are now closed for this year and will only startup in January again. To be honest in therapy I feel safe like everything gonna be okay but once I leave to go home everything becomes real again and I’m terrified again.
Right now my main concern now is my future. My current job has just ended and I’m living off my parents who aren’t working. They only collect pension which isn’t even much. If anything where to happen to any of them I’d be devastated both emotionally and financially. With my anxiety is on over drive again. I don’t even know if I’ll be even able to hold down a job.
To be honest I feel guilty because remember when my dad was working he used to go to work everyday to a job he hated just to provide for me and my family. I can never be able to express to my dad how grateful I am for what his done for me. I want to be positive but reality tells me otherwise. I spend so much wondering what if this and what if that.
That’s why I feel so guilty because I should be taking care of mom and dad, not them taking care of me. I still ask God this question! Why was I even born, I can’t do anything with my life, my anxiety makes me feel useless, clumsy and like can’t do anything right.
Also the news shows us how bad the economy is, how jobs are hard to come by. So that doesn’t exactly give me any hope.
I’m scared I’m gonna be alone someday maybe even like a Berger, because how much can you rely on family and you don’t want to burden anyone either. Life is also so expensive. So yes I’m terrified my future is so uncertain. I’m writing this post openly and honestly so you know how I’m really feeling.
To be honest I don’t wanna be poor but I want to be successful not for fame or money but so I can use my influence and power to help people. Guess fear keeps me up at night telling me why it’s never gonna happen.
So lately I’ve began praying to God about my anxiety, for my family and life in general. That God will guide us. Right now God is my only hope. Sometimes you just have to believe in that higher power. As a Christian I don’t have much faith because of my anxiety. But despite it I still do my best to try to be faithful. So why has this post gotten religious all of a sudden you maybe thinking. Well like I said earlier I’m terrified of what might happen in my future. Trusting in God gives me some kind of peace knowing his in control.
Anyway thank you for reading my blog. I never intended it to become about anxiety or mental health but it seems that’s where my life is at these days.
Yesterday morning I woke up deep in thought. Wondering about the direction my life is going. I began to ask myself, is this part of Gods plan for me. I wasn’t sure. I even had a discussion with my friend Zak just to hear his point of view on the subject. He said maybe if he was more spiritual maybe would be easier to believe that there is such a thing as God plan. We both have been distance in our faith in God. We realised as talking our faith is really in self confidence and technology that eventually let us down. That is why I am lost.
While talking with Zak I was telling him maybe God has a plan for us because what happen to me. last I was unemployed and just lost my Dog brandy that year. I was devastated, close to suicide and had nothing to live for. Then an opportunity came a job. Not just any job but a job I could do, a job I am happy doing. It was thanks to zak for helping get this job but the timing was perfect. As I worked there focused on work I loved doing. It became a little easier getting through the loss of my Dog ‘Brandy’. Also talking about God plans. Even though I’m a graphic designer. While working there I learnt things you could never learn in a book and I got real world experience of how the industry works. So I am also grateful for that.
This month is exactly a year I’ve been working there. I’m not sure if I’d be employed there any longer so makes me wonder what’s God’s plan for me now!
I’ve been thinking lately ever since my aunt died a week ago. That I should get closer to God. Who knows when what will happen and I don’t want it to be to late. The thing is! In terms of religion I’m a Christian but honestly, I don’t know how be exactly that. I see people in church they like super holy. It seems weird.
I pray to God and help where I can, but I can’t be like the people in church. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean everyone. Just mean some people who over do it with religion.
Plus in church there are different circles. Rich interacts and makes friendships with other rich people and poor for the poor. Just doesn’t seem very christian like. That’s why it confuses me what it is to be christian, How does one truly be that.
Guess I’ll stick to the bible when it comes to God, because with people even pastors! You never know what to expect. No one is perfect. I don’t to intend to be perfect but live my life the best way I can to best understanding of God’s word in the bible I guess. Maybe others with disagree with me.
Im sure many of you wouldn’t agree with me when I say! God isn’t real. Due to recent tragedies I lost my faith in God and have been looking for a reason to believe in him again. The truth be told the more I pray the worse things get. Whats worst is I dont believe but recently people I know, strong believers I know are suffering terribly.
An intercessor at our church lost her son due to suicide. Another person from my church! His wife got cancer. Where is God in all this. What good suppose to come out from all of this. When I prayed for God to save my dogs they died anyway.
The truth is im angry at God and terribly scared of the future. Im not sure what to do or what to believe anymore. Yeah I hope to believe that God is real but as off lately his done a great job convincing me he doesn’t.
I feel like an idiot sometimes praying to the fresh air. I mean people claim to have connections with God, they claim God has spoken to them, so why not speak to me when I need him.
Its been a rough few months if you have been reading my blog. From the point of having no food to eat. To not having money to pay the light bill. To having no money to pay for the bond (mortgage). Not to mention my dad almost losing his job. A lot has happened!
These difficult situations forced my family to the point to sell anything we could for money. We put our car for sale. Then our house to sell just so we could survive.
There was many sleepless nights. Prayers with tears and just faith that God would do something to turn things around. I don’t know how but things slowly began to change. My fathers job was no longer at sake.
On the good news part of things. My mom disability grant was approved but for price. Due to her being unwell. Also my sister also agreed to help my dad pay for the Bond(mortgage) every month. if my dad decides to leave work he will get his old age grant because his over 60 years. Finally finance is coming our way and we don’t have to sell our house anymore. There’s so much more I could tell you about how god has blessed us but I just wanna savour the moment.
I thank god for what his done because I never taught I’d see a good day anytime soon after the hell we’ve been through for the last few months. Anyway I just wanted to write this post to say how grateful I am for what I have and what God has done for me and my family. 🙂
These days I have so much on my mind. I’m not one to wake up early in the morning but I am everyday now. My sleep breaks. Guess I’m just worried. Lately one bad situation after another. I’m not sure how much I can take.
1st my dog got sick, financial problems, my mom is sick and some other family problems. I can’t take it. Everyday it takes everything for me not to have a panic attack. I’m constantly fighting my own mind. Wondering when will this end and when will things get better.
I don’t mean to be negative on my blog, but I’m wondering if there’s any hope. People are so discouraging. The news is even worst. People saying how bad the economy is and you’ll never get a job.
These things have been driving my anxiety into over drive. I can’t think or eat properly. I’m expecting the worst sometimes. I’m just so afraid. Unsure of what to do. I’ve been praying hoping God will answer my prayers. My chest is so tight as I’m writing this blog post because I’m terrify of tomorrow and the day after that will hold.
Today as I was playing with dog a taught popped into my head. The taught was who is GOD. I began to question this taught and wondered! Is GOD real, who is GOD. My curiosity began to question it more because two years ago I stopped believing in GOD due to something that happen in my life. Just about a week now I began to believe in GOD again. I guess I figured that life is hard enough and I could use all the help I could get by praying again.
Sometimes I think GOD isn’t real because if you read the bible or any other religious book, you will notice that GOD came in physical form to do miracles. Now days nothing. Where is GOD now ,why don’t he sent prophets now in our time. Yes their are a lot of religious people in our time but nothing like the people in religious books. So could religion be a lie or made up by man. Its possible a group of wise people could of created religion to control society due to mankind’s nature of destruction. Think about it really?
Notice how much religion controls your actions on what you do. I have nothing against religion but where is GOD in all of this. If GOD is real then people have taken GOD out from religion and made it their own. I’m sure religious people would be angry with me for writing this post ,but I had to get this taught of my chest. Sometimes I feel like religion and GOD don’t add up.
Well since I’m christian I’ll use my religion as an example. In the past the bible speaks of a lot of supernatural things and miracles but today you don’t see any of it. So was that all a lie then. I don’t know! so someone can you please shed some light on this, because if GOD is real then the GOD of the past is more powerful then the GOD of the present. So just you know I’m not attacking religion or GOD, I’m just sharing a taught. I have no problem believing in GOD ,if he is real but I do have a problem with religion in today’s world.
Its 6 AM and I just woke up to go to church, I’m still not sure weather or not if I want to go. I mean its so early I’m lazy, tired and hungry. Sure I used to love going to church but somewhere along the line I lost my passion. Don’t get me wrong I don’t have anything against god just lost faith in the people of the church.
I guess I had a lot of bad experiences when it comes to church people. I’m just tired of people in church pretending to be holly in church but outside church they hypocrites and like judging people who ain’t to their standard. Today I choose to go to church in hopes god will do something in my life.
Ps: God bless and have an awesome sunday.