Finding my place in this world!

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Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.

Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.

I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.

My Ideal life :)

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Today I was reading a post from a blog I follow. The post mentioned what is the ideal life you want to live! The truth is! I’ve been so caught up in my own world of ‘anxiety and depression’ that I stopped thinking about the life I wanted!

So I took sometime to think about it and it wasn’t to hard to figure out. The life I want is to be a creative graphic designer. Meeting clients at coffee shops. Going to fancy offices having brain storming ideas with other creatives. Working out of a coffee shop with a laptop at times. Just having freedom of a life as graphic designer.

Yes there are ways of making money with graphic design online with stock graphics. For now I’ll do it cause I need the income but it isn’t my dream. Sometimes you have to ask the right questions in order discover what you want.

Guess reading someone else’s blog helped me discover what I want. Now I guess I have to work towards making it happen. Its been hard. I’ve given up more times than I can count but I have to keep on trying. Not only for myself but for others who maybe thinking of giving up on their dreams. I hope to be that inspiration so that they never give up.

Another session at therapy!

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Today was my 2nd session of therapy. I’ll be honest! ,in the back of my mind I was hoping my therapist was going to tell me some mind blowing answer that would end my anxiety. In truth, that’s not how therapy works. I used to think therapy was like in the movies. Where the therapist would ask you ‘HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL’ questions.

My experience with therapy so far is? Its not just about talking to the psychologist but its the idea of getting used to opening up about yourself. Another experience of therapy for me is! It feels like you being stripped apart and being put back together a piece at a time. It feels like you being Rebuilt “better” in a more positive version of yourself.

Still I was told these changes won’t happen over night. It is only my 2nd session. We did do some exercises. One of them was involving connecting positive aspects to my life. An alternate version of how I see my life now but of events that I’ve ignore or overlook that may not of seemed important at the time. Its actually my homework writing about it and giving my therapist feedback next week for our 3rd session.

Does therapy work? Well for those of you who said No! Guess its because you didn’t have a therapist you can connect with and be completely honest. Part of therapy is also doing the exercises that you are given. To me therapy does work! It has helped me discover more about who I am. Little by little. I’m simply trusting my psychologist to help me its that simple. “It doesn’t hurt pray either”. I do have a long way to go. I’ve started the circle of change by seeking help. Taking small steps. Anyway next week I’ve been told I’d be likely to receive my treatment plan for taking on this anxiety. So if you reading or following my blog. You gonna wanna wait for next weeks review.

My 1st therapy session with the psychologist

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Hi guys, as you can see from my post title says it all. After weeks of waiting I’ve finally got to see the psychologist. Of course I had to sign a document that allows what we speak in therapy to remain confidential. I tell it feels good to get so many things of my chest without worrying weather I was gonna be judged for it. For example friends or family would see me differently if I told them how bad my anxiety is.

Well today wasn’t a full on session but more like an assessment about me and what could be triggering my anxiety. Still it was helpful saying things out loud, things that where bothering me and things I fear. Guess what they say is true, going to see a psychologist is really a safe space.

In our session the therapist showed me an example of how I needed to change small things and be more assertive. To be honest I would of never noticed that. So that’s one thing I learnt about myself today. I wish I could you tell more about the session, but there was a lot of personal things mentioned. The best part I guess was when the psychologist assured me that there is hope and how he has dealt with many cases like this. There will be a treatment plan I would have to follow in the next session or so. Also steps I’d have to follow to get better. I’m happy for the first time I’m getting the help I needed.

The wall before me!

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Hi my blog family I’m sure you guessed from my title of this post. You know I’m talking about the challenges I’m facing in my life right now and I thought a wall would be the best way to describe my situation. This huge wall is blocking my way to success. On this wall is engraved things such as “lack of confidence, fear of failure, anxiety, depression, loneliness, it will never work out, you not good enough”.

You could say I’m unemployed as of this month. So I feel stuck. Especially when you lose that stability of having a job and the world becomes a more scarier place. Jobs are hard to come by and I’m looking at my options they aren’t good. Even if I got a job my anxiety is so bad and learning something new will make me fall apart, get fired on the job and fall into a deep depression.

I’ve been reading online of alternative ways of making money! Its not my style making passive income but its seems worth a try. Selling graphics online. I’m not looking to get rich quick but I am looking to work hard so I make a fair amount of money and feel like I’ve accomplished something.

That aside I haven’t found a single shred of inspiration to design anything lately. I’ve been in this depressed slump. I know there are few people who believes in me and I want to meet their expectations but its so hard just getting started. Monday I was so messed up mentally I was in bed 80% of the day. Then a old childhood friend whatsapp me telling she was thinking of me and wanted to know how I was feeling. I told her everything and she really encouraged me showing there is hope. She even called me and prayed with me which was great because I’ve never had much support in my life.

Also my friend Zak is always there for me giving me advice when we have our mastermind sessions. I’m not sure how to face this wall before me. I’m sure many of you go through something similar. Love to hear how some of you overcame your problems. As for me right now I’m just going to try something new and see how it works out.

Is it back to the unemployment line?

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Lately I’ve been stressed because I haven’t been called into work because there isn’t much work to do. So last week tuesday I received an email from my manager saying they will call me in when the work is ready for me to do. I’m kinda anxious because, my dad is asking me all these questions when I’m going back to work etc. I can tell his worried weather this job is gonna last which also made me start to worry about the same thing.

To be honest it feel good that I had some stability this last year because this month is exactly a year I’ve been working at this company. Also now that I’m working I feel a little more confident in myself. Because when I was unemployed there where times I would lie and tell people I’m working from home just so I wouldn’t feel ashamed. Also now that I’m working my parents are proud of me and have respect for me. I remember the dark days of having them look down on me thinking I’m useless and lazy. I don’t ever want to go back there.

Besides being employed helps around the house. In terms of my dreams I haven’t taken any actions because I’m comfortable where I’m at. Besides writing this post I’ve been so depressed since this weekend been in my room and bed all day. I was trying to be positive and its not easy when you not motivated. I guess I blame myself for no being more prepared. I knew this job wouldn’t last forever but some how I forgotten that along the line or my mind is just over reacting.

Where did my emotions go?

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Hey guys I’m sorry about this I’m not in a good space lately. I’m feeling kinda drained out. I just don’t have the motivation or energy to do anything. I’m getting bored easily. I can’t sit still. It feels like I’m being pressured by my own mind. Over crowded with thoughts and makes me feel like I’m going insane. I don’t seem care about anything these days.

Can’t remember the last time I texted my friends without them texting me first. I’ve become so antisocial. I’m completely burnt out. All I want to do is sleep whole day and hope I wake up to a life where everything feels good. I don’t really know what caused me to fall back into depression but all I know is! I need to get a way from my job, home and just go on a holiday where I don’t have to think about anything.

Its feels I just wanna die right now! Crazy I know! This is kinda of an out bust but writing how I’m feeling when I’m feeling that way helps say the truth. Maybe I will get over this or maybe I won’t. Clearly I’m having a break down or some sort. Guess I’m saying is. Be patient with me.