The most boring weekend ever!

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It’s Saturday not so much a yay day.  I’m actually bored out of my my mind.  Usually my neighbour’s dog Jackie a Jack Russell visits us every day but today she’s nowhere around.  Also no friends in sight.  Hey probably with their wives or girlfriends.  I honestly don’t know what to do.

I did start writing a book.  Only wrote 2 chapters it’s about anxiety.  Still I’m not in the mood to do anymore writing or doing any graphic design.  I want to go out.  Somewhere!  Anywhere but home.  It’s feels like so confined and life has no meaning right now.  Maybe if I had money or a girl friend.  Time would be better spent.

I think I’m just gonna sleep now.  I’m feeling so lazy and down.  It’s dam so hot also.  I know I’m complaining about nothing.  Maybe I’m just frustrated that my hard work is not paying off or the fact that i have so many Facebook friends and WhatsApp contacts and nobody will talk… 

Dogs are better friends than humans!

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Lately I find myself to have a best friend called jackie! She’s a dog, breed: jack russel. Cute brown and white dog and so small that you can easily carry her. She’s not my dog but my opposite neighbours. She’s in and out my house most of the time with a small hole in the fence she made. I honestly don’t mind either do my parents. They have also taken a liking to her.

Anyway as for my blog title. Well guess I lately I don’t see my friend as much as I’d like. I understand some of them are busy with work and wives or girl friends and other don’t even reply to a text which is frustrating. This has left me feeling kinda alone.

When I had my own dogs they used to keep me so busy. I still miss them. They where my best friends even back then. Now that they gone and no friends in sight. I’m grateful my neighbours dog “jackie” visits so often. She helps make time go by. She’s not your ordinary jack russel. Honestly she can play and play and won’t be tired but I’d be completely drained. I had to make toys for her since she likes to bite things. Like my mom’s duster, my sandals, one old rope etc.

Jackie has become a part of my life and my family now. In fact she loves my dad more than anyone. I’m just kinda afraid I don’t have to go through such a loss like I did with my own dogs. I barely recovered from that. I know I have a lot of love to give even if she isn’t my dog.

It feels like betrayal! If I did get a new dog!

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Lately I’ve been lonely. Got out of a relationship that didn’t last because she didn’t no time for me, but time for strangers to tweet all day. I wasn’t never this lonely. When my dogs was alive they would keep me company. They made me happy and was my reason for living. After they passed away, I feel like an empty shell going from 1 day to another. People say I should consider getting another dog!

I’ve also considered that possibility, but it just feels wrong to me to replace my previous dogs with a new one. My dogs ‘Brandy and King’ where unique. They understood me. They personality made them who they where. Most of all losing them was the hardest part so even if I did get another dog. I can’t go through that again. Losing something I love. It almost killed me the last time with depression and anxiety.

Still I miss having a dog to love and being loved. I guess the thing I miss the most is after having supper I’d go outside and play with them till they satisfied or sometimes I’d take them for a walk.

There’s no replacement for the dogs I had but for now my neighbour has a cute pitbull dog that I play with all the time. Its not the same as having my own dog but it helps sometimes when I’m lonely.

Today 14 years ago I receive my 1st dog ‘Brandy’

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Today for many they celebrate youth day but for me its something more special. Its the day received a little pup in a small cardboard box. She wasn’t healthy and had a terrible skin condition. We took her to vet got some meds and she was looking better in no time.
Her hair grew back and couldn’t even tell she was sick. We decided to name her ‘Brandy’.

We all loved her, my mom, sister, niece, brother, father and myself. She was the 1st thing I’d look for when I woke up each day. I remember how mischief she was biting my shoes. She was really spoilt also. Instead of eating dog food chunks, my mom always cooked for her like a stew with bones and stuff.

She loved walks. Also she loves sweet things like cake and ice cream but I gave only now and then so she didn’t get worms. I always did my best to spoil her. 12 years ago she gave birth to a set of 13 pups. 4 died and 9 pups survived. We gave 8 pups and kept 1. Her son which we named him *King*.

Brandy grew up to be a health loved dog. Today would of been her birthday if she was still alive. She passed away this year january 24 2015. My heart breaks. I miss her so much. The last 3 nights before she died I was up with her all night. I was anxious, stressed seeing in so much pain I couldn’t do anything about it. My Vet said she is old and there is nothing more they can do.

January 23 2015 she took a turn for the worst. I had no choice but we decided we should put her down but its seems everywhere was closed. So that night I stayed up as much as I could. I couldn’t bare to watch her suffer. We was gonna take her to spca the next day to put her down but she had already passed away the next morning.

It was like my heart died with her that morning. Today would of been her birthday. I wish so badly that she could be here with me. All I can do is remember and cherish the memories I had with her. Even in death I worry about her. Where she is. How is she doing. I still feel that sense of responsibility cause I loved her so much.

Just want to say happy birthday my Brandy where ever you are I hope you are well. Your family loves you and misses you.

Another kind of Heart break

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Hi I’m sure you thinking from my post title that I’m heart broken over some girl or relationship. The truth is no! Well kinda when its comes to a relationship. Yes I am heart broken but not for some women but because I’m still grieving for my dogs. I can’t fill that void. I can’t get over that they are gone. I’m sure some of you are sick of me talking about my dogs. The truth is I don’t care. I loved my dogs they where everything to me. Now I feel so alone without them. Like something is missing from my life everyday.

In the past I’d wake up early morning just to see what my dogs are doing. Play with them. Let them bark and play with me until they where tired. I miss that and everything we used to do together. My life has changed without them. I lost my reason from getting out of bed. Lately I had the flu so I stopped taking my anxiety medication for a while. Guess it brought out how I been really feeling. Guess anxiety medication don’t help like I thought they just suppress how you feeling or numb your emotions maybe!

Anyway I thought I’d write this post since I haven’t blogged in a while. I could really use some advice from some pet lovers cause only you will know what I am going through. Losing 2 dogs so close a part is heart breaking. I’m left with these scars. I wish everyday they would come back some how. Guess its only wishful thinking. What I’ve lost can never come back its one of the reasons why? I quite going to church. Don’t judge me to hard for that but I just feel like life is unfair like that.

Im jealous of my neighbors new puppy

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just yesterday after eating supper putting my dishes in the sink. From the kitchen window I can see in my neighbors yard. I see something small and brown running around. It was a puppy. They had just gotten it. I couldn’t contain myself I went in my backyard and spoke to my neighbor asked them to show me the puppy. I played with it and my neighbor even let me borrow her to go show my mum.

It was the cutest Boerboel crossed with a Pitbull pup I ever seen. I was sad to give the pup back because I remember that excitement they are feeling, having a dog for the first time. All you want to do is play with your dog all the time.

Well to be honest I’ve been kinda lonely since my dogs passed away. Yeah I’ve thought of getting another dog but I feel like its wrong or its a betrayal to the dogs I’ve had if I get another one. Besides my dogs could never be replaced. Also I dont want to go through losing another dog it was painful enough the first two times.

Now all I can do just admire my neighbors dog with jealous lol.

I’ve had the best dogs in the world

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Hi if you been reading my blog I’m sure you read about my dogs recently passing away, today is exactly 2 weeks now that my precious dog ‘Brandy’ passed away. Today my mom tells me she had a dream about her and I burst into tears. I miss her so much and it ihas gotten any easier because 5 months ago my other dog named ‘King’ passed away. He was also brandy’s son.

I wasn’t even over kings death and now brandy is gone to. Its devastating. I’ve been keeping myself busy lately but every now and then the realisation that my dogs are gone gives me a lot of anxiety, because I long for them. I can’t imagine a life without them but that is exactly what my life is right now.

I think about suicide a lot. I mean I don’t have a girlfriend or a lot of female friends. I have close friends but they have their own lives too. All I had was my dogs. I lived for them. No one understands my loneliness. I just want to die. I don’t even know how I got through these past 2 weeks. Still it hasn’t gotten any easier.

I wish for things to go back to the way it used to be. I’ve been blessed with the best dogs in the whole world. Brandy was fat and cute and King was handsome and playful. My dogs knew me well. They always made my day. Now I’m in a state of depression and anxiety because I missed them so much. I don’t want to move on because I don’t want to forget. The pain helps me remember them. I wish people could understand.

I’m writing this post because I’m scared and not sure what to do anymore.