What do I live for?

What do I live for?

I’m frustrated with myself these days. I just can’t find a reason or the energy to be excited for anything. I don’t know what this means but it’s makes me mad. I want that feeling as a kid when you get a new toy or present. Like a playstation or new phone. Just something new to be excited for. This feeling what is it. Has anxiety and depression robbed me from happiness to.

Every day just feels like I’m just getting through each day waiting for the day il die and be put out of my misery. Guess after watching a video about entrepreneurship I’ve gotten discouraged and feel like there’s no way I can work for myself as a graphic designer. There’s no hope in this field of work. They are so many better designers than me. Who would be in their right mind to choose me to do their designs I feel.

When you get your hopes broken. It’s like having a miscarriage I’d imagine. Where that hope you have dies. I’m afraid like never before. Not only is my anxiety affecting my work ability but my relationship and social life to. So I feel trapped. The only thing I had to look forward to was meeting up with friends every Friday night but that came to an end to. I hate keeping all this negativity inside me it’s why i write posts like these to relieve myself a little.

If you can offer any advice. Don’t forget to comment.

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Believe in me!

Believe in me!

Hi I’m not sure if you ever watched one of those movies where! The parent tells their son of daughter. You can do anything I believe you can do it and I’ll support you in whatever you decide. Unfortunately in my case reality isn’t the same. I want to work hard and focus on becoming a successful graphic designer but to them it’s not important. When ever I’m designing anything I’m disturbed like a hundred times for little things. I loose my focus cause of my anxiety and it’s not easy to pick up where I left off. So I become so drained and stop designing.

Wish they would take my dreams seriously and my anxiety. Sometimes I feel so judged mentally wondering what they think of me and sometimes my anxiety exaggerates things. Support would mean the world but life isn’t like those movies. Honestly I’d give anything to have someone believe in me and constantly be there to encourage me. Guess I’m being selfish wanting a movie moment.

Don’t get me wrong my parents love me just that Hey have an old mentally because of their own up bringing. I love my parents to and wish the relationship could change to supportiveness instead of get any job and that’s life.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Lately I’ve been thinking of ways to raise a little money so I can work as a graphic designer from home without reporting to any boss. Cause of my anxiety disorder working for a boss and harsh work environments has been hard and embarrassing when you getting panic attacks on the job. Especially when you feel under pressure.

November 11th I turn 34 and still unemployed and need to do something with my life. Working at a company just hasn’t worked out as you just read. I’m kinda forced to turn to crowd funding here. I’m sure you noticed I hardly ever blog it’s because I have no money for data or Internet. So basically the money I wanna raise is so that I have money to pay for a decent Internet connection so I can do work online and even maybe make money from passive income as a graphic designer.

Of course none of that is gonna happen if I don’t have any money to go online. So I thought I’d write this post and see if it is a good idea to crowd fund or not.
Or if you would like to support me I want to raise a 100$ dollars.  So comment or email me on my blog. Thank you for reading my Blog.

My graphic design dream

My graphic design dream

Hey its me and been thinking about the choices I’ve made and I remembered having a dream of becoming a successful graphic designer but by using free software. Sounds ridiculous right. I gave up on that dream some time ago and started to learn and use industry software and even though I know how to use industry design software well. I haven’t really improved as a designer.  I wonder about why that is I guess.

So not long a go i found a guy online living the dream I dreamt of.  He is using the free software I used to use and his successful and has an impressive portfolio. I was both jealous and inspired by him. This made me rethink what I was doing and maybe I should go back to the dream I had because I haven’t really improved using premium industry software.

Also I wanna make money by making a lot of stock graphics, because dealing with actual clients is a bit much for me cause of my anxiety disorder. Hey these are just thoughts I’m letting out. Whose knows if i will really continue with my original dream I’ve had. Anyway wish me luck just had to say what I was thinking.

My Ideal life :)

My Ideal life :)

Today I was reading a post from a blog I follow. The post mentioned what is the ideal life you want to live! The truth is! I’ve been so caught up in my own world of ‘anxiety and depression’ that I stopped thinking about the life I wanted!

So I took sometime to think about it and it wasn’t to hard to figure out. The life I want is to be a creative graphic designer. Meeting clients at coffee shops. Going to fancy offices having brain storming ideas with other creatives. Working out of a coffee shop with a laptop at times. Just having freedom of a life as graphic designer.

Yes there are ways of making money with graphic design online with stock graphics. For now I’ll do it cause I need the income but it isn’t my dream. Sometimes you have to ask the right questions in order discover what you want.

Guess reading someone else’s blog helped me discover what I want. Now I guess I have to work towards making it happen. Its been hard. I’ve given up more times than I can count but I have to keep on trying. Not only for myself but for others who maybe thinking of giving up on their dreams. I hope to be that inspiration so that they never give up.

Is it back to the unemployment line?

Is it back to the unemployment line?

Lately I’ve been stressed because I haven’t been called into work because there isn’t much work to do. So last week tuesday I received an email from my manager saying they will call me in when the work is ready for me to do. I’m kinda anxious because, my dad is asking me all these questions when I’m going back to work etc. I can tell his worried weather this job is gonna last which also made me start to worry about the same thing.

To be honest it feel good that I had some stability this last year because this month is exactly a year I’ve been working at this company. Also now that I’m working I feel a little more confident in myself. Because when I was unemployed there where times I would lie and tell people I’m working from home just so I wouldn’t feel ashamed. Also now that I’m working my parents are proud of me and have respect for me. I remember the dark days of having them look down on me thinking I’m useless and lazy. I don’t ever want to go back there.

Besides being employed helps around the house. In terms of my dreams I haven’t taken any actions because I’m comfortable where I’m at. Besides writing this post I’ve been so depressed since this weekend been in my room and bed all day. I was trying to be positive and its not easy when you not motivated. I guess I blame myself for no being more prepared. I knew this job wouldn’t last forever but some how I forgotten that along the line or my mind is just over reacting.

I’m only human?

I’m only human?

Hey guys! I know its been a while. I’ve been sick with the flu. Stressing about work and frustrated with my dreams. After I got better from the flu a few days ago I began working on improving my design skills and I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself because I’m not improving overnight. This frustration is keeping me up at night. Also the moment I want to do something I feel uncomfortable and unable to find myself doing any task. I’m just there procrastinating.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not giving up but the process of getting better as a graphic design is harder than I imagined. Honestly how many times this week my mind tells me I can’t do this, no way I can design that. Its a constant mental battle day in and out.

Sometimes I find myself just wanting to go to bed early and waking up to the next day hoping that I’ve improved but when I go to bed I can’t sleep. All this stress is processing through my mind. Also with all the stress I’m having issues remembering stuff.

Sometimes I look at other people and get jealous that they can do things so easily, weather a job, studying. It comes natural to them. While I have to work 3 times as hard to barely reach their level. In my mind I just hate those bastards I’d say! But its just me being human! I know its no excuse.

I need to vent this! My struggle so people can relate. We only human right, we all go through things. This is just my situation. I love graphic design and I’ll keep at it but sometimes its just frustrating not getting the results you want as soon as you want it.