Welcome 2019 what kind of year will you become

Welcome 2019 what kind of year will you become

Hi happy new years to my readersteaders. Hope everything is well with you. It’s a new year so a new beginning right. So I hope this year is gonna be an awesome year for me and for my readers, friends and family to. Of course hoping isn’t gonna make a dam thing happen without action. This year I’m not sure of my goals. I’m not sure what  I want. No that’s not it. I don’t want to acknowledge what I want because believe I can achieve it. 

So I’m gonna say it anyway I don’t wanna work in an ordinary job. I wanted to become a creative graphic designer and illustrator. Even though I’m a graphic designer now. I don’t feel good enough but I still keep trying my best and adding to my knowledge.

Anyway I think I lost track of my topic thinking to deeply about things. This year I do hope to find a job I can do cause I need stability. Also to make sure that my worst fears don’t come true. what’s gonna happen if my parents gone how will I live. I have no job. No partner. No real work experience. Will I be left alone to die. My brothers are for themselves and my sister already done a lot for us. I don’t wanna burden her. So haven’t thought about this fear in a while. I Have tried to positive and suppressed these thoughts but that anxiety just woken up again this past week when my parents and aunt where talking about it made me terrified,  because if they are talking about it then this fear isn’t a lie. 
Honestly I’m not sure how to cope but I’m going to do my best to take action to change that future. This year I want it to be a productive year. Something I can be proud of. Also want to reconnect with God.  I know I can’t turn my life around alone. I must find that purpose to live again so my spirt becomes alive again. 

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In need of a second third chance at life

In need of a second third chance at life

Hi I’d like to apologise for deleting my previous post. I just felt it was to personal to be out there. Anyway I’ve made many mistakes in the past and recently. I don’t know how many of you have a hard time forgiving yourself. I guess I am. This inner struggle takes a toll on my mental health. That’s why I can’t wait for next month to see my psychologist. I haven’t been to therapy for a while and I do feel lost without the help.

I hate making so many mistakes that it feels like you can’t come back from it. Having anxiety makes life a lot scarier. I can’t tell you how many times I wish death upon myself. I just wish life to be over or skip the hard parts in life. Feeling overwhelmed of fear. Feeling alone. Also I choose to isolate myself from the world because I just can’t seem to connect with people. 

Despite my mistakes and bad mental health and even though I feel I don’t deserve forgiveness. I pray that I will be forgiven for anything I have done wrong. People are not perfect. So don’t expect them to be. So hopefully I am given a second third chance at life. Even though my dream is to become a successful graphic designer and to inspire others. Right now I just don’t have the will to go on right now. I need sometime to get my mind and spirit right. So I’m going get more into church and hope God can show me the way and give me hope again. 

What do I live for?

What do I live for?

I’m frustrated with myself these days. I just can’t find a reason or the energy to be excited for anything. I don’t know what this means but it’s makes me mad. I want that feeling as a kid when you get a new toy or present. Like a playstation or new phone. Just something new to be excited for. This feeling what is it. Has anxiety and depression robbed me from happiness to.

Every day just feels like I’m just getting through each day waiting for the day il die and be put out of my misery. Guess after watching a video about entrepreneurship I’ve gotten discouraged and feel like there’s no way I can work for myself as a graphic designer. There’s no hope in this field of work. They are so many better designers than me. Who would be in their right mind to choose me to do their designs I feel.

When you get your hopes broken. It’s like having a miscarriage I’d imagine. Where that hope you have dies. I’m afraid like never before. Not only is my anxiety affecting my work ability but my relationship and social life to. So I feel trapped. The only thing I had to look forward to was meeting up with friends every Friday night but that came to an end to. I hate keeping all this negativity inside me it’s why i write posts like these to relieve myself a little.

If you can offer any advice. Don’t forget to comment.

Believe in me!

Believe in me!

Hi I’m not sure if you ever watched one of those movies where! The parent tells their son of daughter. You can do anything I believe you can do it and I’ll support you in whatever you decide. Unfortunately in my case reality isn’t the same. I want to work hard and focus on becoming a successful graphic designer but to them it’s not important. When ever I’m designing anything I’m disturbed like a hundred times for little things. I loose my focus cause of my anxiety and it’s not easy to pick up where I left off. So I become so drained and stop designing.

Wish they would take my dreams seriously and my anxiety. Sometimes I feel so judged mentally wondering what they think of me and sometimes my anxiety exaggerates things. Support would mean the world but life isn’t like those movies. Honestly I’d give anything to have someone believe in me and constantly be there to encourage me. Guess I’m being selfish wanting a movie moment.

Don’t get me wrong my parents love me just that Hey have an old mentally because of their own up bringing. I love my parents to and wish the relationship could change to supportiveness instead of get any job and that’s life.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Should I crowd fund my dreams and would you help me.

Lately I’ve been thinking of ways to raise a little money so I can work as a graphic designer from home without reporting to any boss. Cause of my anxiety disorder working for a boss and harsh work environments has been hard and embarrassing when you getting panic attacks on the job. Especially when you feel under pressure.

November 11th I turn 34 and still unemployed and need to do something with my life. Working at a company just hasn’t worked out as you just read. I’m kinda forced to turn to crowd funding here. I’m sure you noticed I hardly ever blog it’s because I have no money for data or Internet. So basically the money I wanna raise is so that I have money to pay for a decent Internet connection so I can do work online and even maybe make money from passive income as a graphic designer.

Of course none of that is gonna happen if I don’t have any money to go online. So I thought I’d write this post and see if it is a good idea to crowd fund or not.
Or if you would like to support me I want to raise a 100$ dollars.  So comment or email me on my blog. Thank you for reading my Blog.

My graphic design dream

My graphic design dream

Hey its me and been thinking about the choices I’ve made and I remembered having a dream of becoming a successful graphic designer but by using free software. Sounds ridiculous right. I gave up on that dream some time ago and started to learn and use industry software and even though I know how to use industry design software well. I haven’t really improved as a designer.  I wonder about why that is I guess.

So not long a go i found a guy online living the dream I dreamt of.  He is using the free software I used to use and his successful and has an impressive portfolio. I was both jealous and inspired by him. This made me rethink what I was doing and maybe I should go back to the dream I had because I haven’t really improved using premium industry software.

Also I wanna make money by making a lot of stock graphics, because dealing with actual clients is a bit much for me cause of my anxiety disorder. Hey these are just thoughts I’m letting out. Whose knows if i will really continue with my original dream I’ve had. Anyway wish me luck just had to say what I was thinking.

My Ideal life :)

My Ideal life :)

Today I was reading a post from a blog I follow. The post mentioned what is the ideal life you want to live! The truth is! I’ve been so caught up in my own world of ‘anxiety and depression’ that I stopped thinking about the life I wanted!

So I took sometime to think about it and it wasn’t to hard to figure out. The life I want is to be a creative graphic designer. Meeting clients at coffee shops. Going to fancy offices having brain storming ideas with other creatives. Working out of a coffee shop with a laptop at times. Just having freedom of a life as graphic designer.

Yes there are ways of making money with graphic design online with stock graphics. For now I’ll do it cause I need the income but it isn’t my dream. Sometimes you have to ask the right questions in order discover what you want.

Guess reading someone else’s blog helped me discover what I want. Now I guess I have to work towards making it happen. Its been hard. I’ve given up more times than I can count but I have to keep on trying. Not only for myself but for others who maybe thinking of giving up on their dreams. I hope to be that inspiration so that they never give up.