New anxiety medication! Prescribed

Standard

Today I woke up about half past five this morning to go to the hospital to see the psychiatric doctor.  The worst thing about going to a government hospital is the long lines in front of you.  It’s why I had to wake up so early to beat the crowd so I can get a good spot in the line to see the psych doctor. 

Minutes felt like hours for someone suffering with an anxiety disorder.  It was frustrating the line hasn’t moved in an hour.  These nurse not even doing anything. People in my line complained to the hospital staff and replied go relax and wait.  So rude.

Anyway finally I got my file and there after had to go wait in yet again in another line for the doctor. In my mind I’m thinking when is this day gonna end.  I rather die than sit another minute.  Eventually I made some conversation with some people and an interesting topic came up.  Lady whose also Christian not judging mental illness but talking to me about it the right way.  Where that even though I’m seeking help,  that I should still pray and trust God.  Sometimes God has his ways of helping us.  Weather through miracles or doctors.  Cause in the past I’ve been judge by fellow Christians for having anxiety like an evil spirit. Now I know not all Christians are close minded. Then finally after hours of waiting it was my turn to see the doctor.

We discussed my process and set backs and also that my clinic has prescribed me wrong medication all this time.  So the doctor had to write me a new script to collect new medication for my anxiety and must try it for the next month and come back in a months time to see if the meds are helping or not.  Also to discuss the way forward.  I pray these meds help me, not just with my anxiety but for my attention disorder to.

Finding my place in this world!

Standard

Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.

Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.

I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.

Afraid of the future

Standard

Hi everyone I know it’s been a while. Recently I’ve finished with group therapy which was a new experience but I still prefer individual therapy. Also the psychologists are now closed for this year and will only startup in January again. To be honest in therapy I feel safe like everything gonna be okay but once I leave to go home everything becomes real again and I’m terrified again.

Right now my main concern now is my future. My current job has just ended and I’m living off my parents who aren’t working.  They only collect pension which isn’t even much.  If anything where to happen to any of them I’d be devastated both emotionally and financially.  With my anxiety is on over drive again. I don’t even know if I’ll be even able to hold down a job.

To be honest I feel guilty because remember when my dad was working he used to go to work everyday to a job he hated just to provide for me and my family. I can never be able to express to my dad how grateful I am for what his done for me. I want to be positive but reality tells me otherwise. I spend so much wondering what if this and what if that. 

That’s why I feel so guilty because I should be taking care of mom and dad,  not them taking care of me.  I still ask God this question! Why was I even born,  I can’t do anything with my life,  my anxiety makes me feel useless, clumsy and like can’t do anything right.

Also the news shows us how bad the economy is, how jobs are hard to come by. So that doesn’t exactly give me any hope. 

I’m scared I’m gonna be alone someday maybe even like a Berger, because how much can you rely on family and you don’t want to burden anyone either.  Life is also so expensive.  So yes I’m terrified my future is so uncertain.  I’m writing this post openly and honestly so you know how I’m really feeling. 

To be honest I don’t wanna be poor but I want to be successful not for fame or money but so I can use my influence and power to help people.  Guess fear keeps me up at night telling me why it’s never gonna happen.

So lately I’ve began praying to God about my anxiety,  for my family and life in general.  That God will guide us.  Right now God is my only hope.  Sometimes you just have to believe in that higher power.  As a Christian I don’t have much faith because of my anxiety. But despite it I still do my best to try to be faithful. So why has this post gotten religious all of a sudden you maybe thinking.  Well like I said earlier I’m terrified of what might happen in my future. Trusting in God gives me some kind of peace knowing his in control.

Anyway thank you for reading my blog.  I never intended it to become about anxiety or mental health but it seems that’s where my life is at these days.

God’s Plan is there such a thing?

Standard

Yesterday morning I woke up deep in thought. Wondering about the direction my life is going. I began to ask myself, is this part of Gods plan for me. I wasn’t sure. I even had a discussion with my friend Zak just to hear his point of view on the subject. He said maybe if he was more spiritual maybe would be easier to believe that there is such a thing as God plan. We both have been distance in our faith in God. We realised as talking our faith is really in self confidence and technology that eventually let us down. That is why I am lost.

While talking with Zak I was telling him maybe God has a plan for us because what happen to me. last I was unemployed and just lost my Dog brandy that year. I was devastated, close to suicide and had nothing to live for. Then an opportunity came a job. Not just any job but a job I could do, a job I am happy doing. It was thanks to zak for helping get this job but the timing was perfect. As I worked there focused on work I loved doing. It became a little easier getting through the loss of my Dog ‘Brandy’. Also talking about God plans. Even though I’m a graphic designer. While working there I learnt things you could never learn in a book and I got real world experience of how the industry works. So I am also grateful for that.

This month is exactly a year I’ve been working there. I’m not sure if I’d be employed there any longer so makes me wonder what’s God’s plan for me now!

I dont know how to be christain but I know how to believe in God

Standard

I’ve been thinking lately ever since my aunt died a week ago. That I should get closer to God. Who knows when what will happen and I don’t want it to be to late. The thing is! In terms of religion I’m a Christian but honestly, I don’t know how be exactly that. I see people in church they like super holy. It seems weird.

I pray to God and help where I can, but I can’t be like the people in church. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean everyone. Just mean some people who over do it with religion.

Plus in church there are different circles. Rich interacts and makes friendships with other rich people and poor for the poor. Just doesn’t seem very christian like. That’s why it confuses me what it is to be christian, How does one truly be that.

Guess I’ll stick to the bible when it comes to God, because with people even pastors! You never know what to expect. No one is perfect. I don’t to intend to be perfect but live my life the best way I can to best understanding of God’s word in the bible I guess. Maybe others with disagree with me.

Feeling emotionless

Aside

Hi if been wondering where i am. I’m proud to say life is good. Been busy at work. Doing a job i love. I have a new phone i always wanted. Awesome friends and family that supports me but!

I can’t explain this feeling of numbness. Like i feel no emotions at times. I should be happy life is going great but for some reason I’m not feeling the way i should.

Sometimes i wonder what’s the point, working, success. Guess after my dogs died it affected me more than i knew. There’s a hole in my heart i cannot fill. Even relationships with people can’t seem to fill that void in my life. What’s wrong with me that i feel this way. God has blessed me so much. Still i do not know happiness. Maybe I’m going insane. But this is how i feel.

What is it! To be blessed?

Standard

Hi my friends and bloggers hope you been well. Lately something been worrying me. I’ve been blessed a lot the last month. Prayers are being answered. I don’t get why now. I’ve been praying in the past harder and was more dedicated to God back then. Now I just pray in the mornings but ever since my Dogs died I lost faith in God.

Recently I’ve become bored and empty with my life. Besides the fact I’m suffering from anxiety. I’ve prayed and asked God for a new cell phone and he gave me 2. Because of my anxiety I asked God for purpose and a job where I’d be able to work from home some how and he did that too.

I don’t understand. Is this what it means to be blessed. I’m not sure I deserve it. I’ve seen many more people more deserving and holier than me, their prayers un answered. So why is mine being answered all of a sudden. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for God’s blessing. Just not used to prayers being answered I guess.