Hey bloggersphere its me living in my own little anxiety world filled of worries and stress. Doesn’t sound fun right! Cause it isn’t. This past weekend I almost found myself lashing out at my mom in anxious rage because my mind was going crazy with anxious thoughts. I could hear them so loud in my head and I’m trying to focus and my mom talking to me and it began to irritate me. I was wanted to shout shut up so the thoughts like voices would stop but it took everything in me not to lash out.
I’m worried how much more therapy do I need before I’m cured from this curse called anxiety. I’ve kept how I’ve been feeling inside for a long time and I need to let it out. Thank God I have my blog to record my thoughts. Honestly a diary app annoys me I prefer to write a blog post so people going through what I am can relate or even reach out. I sometimes get advice from an anxiety group on Facebook call ” Calmer You Community”. The groups Admin is a psychologist. Often helpful.
Still I’m also going for therapy once a month at a government hospital. I’m not sure how much more therapy I’m gonna need before I’m better. If things don’t change for me by this end of this year. I’m thinking of quitting my passion of graphic design and focus the new year on getting a regular job. Of course I will work hard from now till end of this year. If Gods favor be with me I will succeed. So right now God first, prayer, therapy and hope it all works out.
Lately I’ve been feeling really pressured in all areas of my life ever since I’ve been to a neighbors funeral this past tuesday. Life is short and the day has only gotten shorter ever since I’ve set goals with deadlines. Anyway going to that funeral got me thinking! Right now in my life I’m a Loser to peoples standards. Still I want to achieve success in my parents life time, while they still alive. So much pressure comes with these thoughts.
Due to the pressure I’ve been designing poorly and feels I’ve taken steps back in life. This is frustrating as hell. I’m being stressed out. On top of that my brother won’t visit home because of his evil wife. This is hurting my dad which hurts me. I mean for father’s day not even a phone call or visit. Which father wouldn’t feel hurt and it hurts me to giving me anxiety and family pressure.
Also a few weeks ago I launched my website as a graphic designer to possibility use as a portfolio and draw in clients. Now that the site is done. I feel lots of pressure to design the perfect portfolio. This pressure isn’t good for me it’s just making me design Crappy designs and doubt myself slash abilities. Anyway sorry for the late post just been busy working on my design website.
This time of year everyone has a lot going on. High expectations. This year I really began to think about the meaning of christmas. As a Christian I owed it to myself and God! The realised that hit me even though obvious to others. God came or was born into this word to give us hope.
I wasn’t sure if this christmas was gonna be worth celebrating. Since last years one was a bit depressing. So I didn’t think about that this time and allowed the day to play out. It turned out to be an awesome christmas with family. Spending the day together. Since we hardly often spend quality time together. For the first time I felt like I’ve let go and enjoyed being in the present moment with family and had a really good time. Why I say that because for someone like me with an anxiety disorder that is difficult.
I think I slept like a baby last night. Both physical and mentally christmas was fulfilling. Spending time with my sister and niece, and later brother and his children. I think that happiness effected me in a more positive way than I thought. My heart is so happy to had such a wonderful christmas.
I know this post is a day late but I want to wish you my blog family a very merry christmas.
Hi everyone I know it’s been a while. Recently I’ve finished with group therapy which was a new experience but I still prefer individual therapy. Also the psychologists are now closed for this year and will only startup in January again. To be honest in therapy I feel safe like everything gonna be okay but once I leave to go home everything becomes real again and I’m terrified again.
Right now my main concern now is my future. My current job has just ended and I’m living off my parents who aren’t working. They only collect pension which isn’t even much. If anything where to happen to any of them I’d be devastated both emotionally and financially. With my anxiety is on over drive again. I don’t even know if I’ll be even able to hold down a job.
To be honest I feel guilty because remember when my dad was working he used to go to work everyday to a job he hated just to provide for me and my family. I can never be able to express to my dad how grateful I am for what his done for me. I want to be positive but reality tells me otherwise. I spend so much wondering what if this and what if that.
That’s why I feel so guilty because I should be taking care of mom and dad, not them taking care of me. I still ask God this question! Why was I even born, I can’t do anything with my life, my anxiety makes me feel useless, clumsy and like can’t do anything right.
Also the news shows us how bad the economy is, how jobs are hard to come by. So that doesn’t exactly give me any hope.
I’m scared I’m gonna be alone someday maybe even like a Berger, because how much can you rely on family and you don’t want to burden anyone either. Life is also so expensive. So yes I’m terrified my future is so uncertain. I’m writing this post openly and honestly so you know how I’m really feeling.
To be honest I don’t wanna be poor but I want to be successful not for fame or money but so I can use my influence and power to help people. Guess fear keeps me up at night telling me why it’s never gonna happen.
So lately I’ve began praying to God about my anxiety, for my family and life in general. That God will guide us. Right now God is my only hope. Sometimes you just have to believe in that higher power. As a Christian I don’t have much faith because of my anxiety. But despite it I still do my best to try to be faithful. So why has this post gotten religious all of a sudden you maybe thinking. Well like I said earlier I’m terrified of what might happen in my future. Trusting in God gives me some kind of peace knowing his in control.
Anyway thank you for reading my blog. I never intended it to become about anxiety or mental health but it seems that’s where my life is at these days.
Hey its me again and yesterday I had an interesting conversation with my co-worker. She mentioned something about marriage and that I shouldn’t wait to long. Because our parents won’t be around forever. Surprisingly what she said kinda woke me up to reality that I’ve been ignoring for to long.
The thought of not having my parents around is something I could never imagine. It made me think! The problem is, I like being single and so set in those ways. Also focusing only on my work right now. Still what she said really got to me. I mean I’m 31 and going to be 32 in November. So I am getting old. Who would take care of me if my parents weren’t around? I mean I don’t want to be a burden to my sister and my brothers well they don’t even visit these days. So should I start looking for a wife? Where do I start. Will I? make a good husband.
I haven’t dated in a while not seriously anyway. Where do I start finding someone that interests me and doing the same for them. Just feels like I have become more responsible these days and that’s so not me. I’m so used to my parents making all those decisions. So life is feeling a lot more real to me these days and that’s scary.
Today as I woke up listening to a song. I became quite emotional. Basically I started to feel lonely. As the days, months and years are going by I’m seeing friends and family less and lesser. I can’t describe this feeling of loneliness. It makes me feel sick and empty at times.
I wish i could turn back time. The days when life was less complicated. No responsibilities. Just going out and having fun. Unfortunately we can’t go back to those days. Friends have kids others getting engaged. Their lives are busy. I’m happy for them, they my friend. I just miss them.
As for family. My brother can’t visit us his wife hates our family and won’t let him visit us. My sister lives a bit far off so I see her at church or special occasions like birthdays etc. Still even when we do get together the family! We couldn’t be further apart. Everyone’s on their phones chatting to someone else. That’s why I miss my dogs so much because when nobody was around they was always there for me. Now that they gone I’m still heart broken over it. What must I do life must go on.
The worst part of my life I’m the single guy in bunch of friends. Haven’t been in love since high school. How lame is that. I just think with age comes loneliness. Guess I was feeling more lonely that I realized writing this post.
Hi have you ever felt, when will this phase of our lives is gonna end. My anxiety and depression got triggered recently and I don’t know why. I couldn’t barely work or focus. I want to stay in bed all the time. Feeling extremely tired and lazy.
I honestly felt like committing suicide recently. These feelings of what’s the point of living. Because I don’t even know why I’m waking up in the morning. A girl I went on a date with. Pointed out that I lacked emotion. She was right. Its seems I’m having a hard time opening up and letting myself feel. Guess after my dogs died. I was so heart broken. I closed my heart off subconsciously so i wouldn’t feel that way again.
Life is short I don’t want anxiety or depression to rob me of anymore time I have with everyone in my life. It’s true I’m scared of being left alone in this world. Lately people have been dying and our family is getting smaller. My parents getting older. Guess thinking about these things makes me panic. I maybe 31 but I’m a kid at heart I need my family.
I don’t know what to do but get high on antidepressants just so I can get through each day.
Hi and a happy new year. This is my 1st post this 2016. Sure I been missed to blog but I was on holiday. We all need that time off to recharge. Especially if you had a challenging 2015 with tragedy and loss. So far my holiday has been great spending it with family and close friends.
Yesterday my friends and I went to the animal farm and beach because it was my friends birthday. I went on a few dates this holiday to.
After enjoying myself last December and this January I’m still in holiday mode and I just got a message today saying I must come in work tomorrow. My mindset isn’t quite there yet. It’s rather lazy at the moment. Not sure if il be ready for a hard days work just yet.
Maybe it’s about time I get back into work mode after all I have big goals for this year. It certainly has been an interesting new years hope 2016 is gonna be an awesome year for me and you to of course. I think I need to reestablish a relationship with God to. Can’t do anything without almighty. Anyway love you readers for reading and contributing to my life. After all you inspire me to wanna blog.
Hi merry Christmas I know I’m kinda late wishing you my blogging family. We’ll as my title says it isn’t Christmas with out a grinch trying to steal Christmas or ruin it. In this chase my sister in law.
When it comes to birthdays, celebrations or Christmas she always makes problems for my family. She doesn’t even send my nieces to visit. She really does hate us. I don’t really want to get into the details of what happened on Christmas but I am disheartened to see how my sister in law treats my brother so badly. Sure he has his faults but what she’s doing is just plain evil.
When my sister in law makes problems she always phone my home and swears who ever answers the phone. My brother can’t even visit us without her causing a scene. All I can say the grinch did steal Christmas for my family this year 😦