Tag Archives: fear

Finding my place in this world!

Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.

Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.

I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.

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Am I losing my mind? because I’m Hallucinating

Just the other night I had a dream my mom was calling me and so I woke up because I heard her. So I went to see why she’s calling me. When went to see where she is, she sleeping. But I swore I heard her voicing calling me. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or I’m losing my mind.

Again last night I woke up middle of the night and heard the kitchen tap running so I went in the kitchen and it stopped. I looked in the lounge looked like my mom standing by the certain so I’m asking her why you up so late and she didn’t answer me. When I put the light on. Nobody was there. Honest to God I don’t what’s going on with me. I need to see my therapist soon but hope he doesn’t commit me to an mental institution. Had a dream about that to not long ago. So yeah I’m a little terrified.

Afraid of the future

Hi everyone I know it’s been a while. Recently I’ve finished with group therapy which was a new experience but I still prefer individual therapy. Also the psychologists are now closed for this year and will only startup in January again. To be honest in therapy I feel safe like everything gonna be okay but once I leave to go home everything becomes real again and I’m terrified again.

Right now my main concern now is my future. My current job has just ended and I’m living off my parents who aren’t working.  They only collect pension which isn’t even much.  If anything where to happen to any of them I’d be devastated both emotionally and financially.  With my anxiety is on over drive again. I don’t even know if I’ll be even able to hold down a job.

To be honest I feel guilty because remember when my dad was working he used to go to work everyday to a job he hated just to provide for me and my family. I can never be able to express to my dad how grateful I am for what his done for me. I want to be positive but reality tells me otherwise. I spend so much wondering what if this and what if that. 

That’s why I feel so guilty because I should be taking care of mom and dad,  not them taking care of me.  I still ask God this question! Why was I even born,  I can’t do anything with my life,  my anxiety makes me feel useless, clumsy and like can’t do anything right.

Also the news shows us how bad the economy is, how jobs are hard to come by. So that doesn’t exactly give me any hope. 

I’m scared I’m gonna be alone someday maybe even like a Berger, because how much can you rely on family and you don’t want to burden anyone either.  Life is also so expensive.  So yes I’m terrified my future is so uncertain.  I’m writing this post openly and honestly so you know how I’m really feeling. 

To be honest I don’t wanna be poor but I want to be successful not for fame or money but so I can use my influence and power to help people.  Guess fear keeps me up at night telling me why it’s never gonna happen.

So lately I’ve began praying to God about my anxiety,  for my family and life in general.  That God will guide us.  Right now God is my only hope.  Sometimes you just have to believe in that higher power.  As a Christian I don’t have much faith because of my anxiety. But despite it I still do my best to try to be faithful. So why has this post gotten religious all of a sudden you maybe thinking.  Well like I said earlier I’m terrified of what might happen in my future. Trusting in God gives me some kind of peace knowing his in control.

Anyway thank you for reading my blog.  I never intended it to become about anxiety or mental health but it seems that’s where my life is at these days.

Another session at therapy!

Today was my 2nd session of therapy. I’ll be honest! ,in the back of my mind I was hoping my therapist was going to tell me some mind blowing answer that would end my anxiety. In truth, that’s not how therapy works. I used to think therapy was like in the movies. Where the therapist would ask you ‘HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL’ questions.

My experience with therapy so far is? Its not just about talking to the psychologist but its the idea of getting used to opening up about yourself. Another experience of therapy for me is! It feels like you being stripped apart and being put back together a piece at a time. It feels like you being Rebuilt “better” in a more positive version of yourself.

Still I was told these changes won’t happen over night. It is only my 2nd session. We did do some exercises. One of them was involving connecting positive aspects to my life. An alternate version of how I see my life now but of events that I’ve ignore or overlook that may not of seemed important at the time. Its actually my homework writing about it and giving my therapist feedback next week for our 3rd session.

Does therapy work? Well for those of you who said No! Guess its because you didn’t have a therapist you can connect with and be completely honest. Part of therapy is also doing the exercises that you are given. To me therapy does work! It has helped me discover more about who I am. Little by little. I’m simply trusting my psychologist to help me its that simple. “It doesn’t hurt pray either”. I do have a long way to go. I’ve started the circle of change by seeking help. Taking small steps. Anyway next week I’ve been told I’d be likely to receive my treatment plan for taking on this anxiety. So if you reading or following my blog. You gonna wanna wait for next weeks review.

My 1st therapy session with the psychologist

Hi guys, as you can see from my post title says it all. After weeks of waiting I’ve finally got to see the psychologist. Of course I had to sign a document that allows what we speak in therapy to remain confidential. I tell it feels good to get so many things of my chest without worrying weather I was gonna be judged for it. For example friends or family would see me differently if I told them how bad my anxiety is.

Well today wasn’t a full on session but more like an assessment about me and what could be triggering my anxiety. Still it was helpful saying things out loud, things that where bothering me and things I fear. Guess what they say is true, going to see a psychologist is really a safe space.

In our session the therapist showed me an example of how I needed to change small things and be more assertive. To be honest I would of never noticed that. So that’s one thing I learnt about myself today. I wish I could you tell more about the session, but there was a lot of personal things mentioned. The best part I guess was when the psychologist assured me that there is hope and how he has dealt with many cases like this. There will be a treatment plan I would have to follow in the next session or so. Also steps I’d have to follow to get better. I’m happy for the first time I’m getting the help I needed.

Turning down a job offer!

I’m sure a lot of people are thinking! Is he insane. Its a tough economy. ‘His turning down a job’. To be honest I’m going crazy thinking about it. Its a job I have no experience in, for the same amount pay at my current job. Only upside to the job they offer benefits and the job will be more permanent.

So why didn’t I take the job! Cause I’m a slower learner anything out of my depth causes me anxiety. My previous job I was asked why am I so stupid while having a panic attack. This was caused because I wasn’t learning the job fast enough. The unknown not having control makes me anxious building up anxiety.

If you judging me don’t! You don’t know what’s it’s like to live with a mental disability. Living in fear. Unable to trust your own thoughts or make a decision without feeling regret all the time. Its often why I had avoided working for a long time. I prefer working as a freelance graphic designer where I can work at my own pace, its what got me this job and also by the help of a friend.

Getting a new job is scary for me. Especially when I don’t know anything about it and have to magically learn it on the spot. I can’t do miracles. I wish I was a fast learner with a high self esteem but I’m not. Sometimes I wonder why I was made this way. Its really weird I think but!  I am who I am. 

I’m not weird I have anxiety!

Hi bloggers and friends its a busy week for me with my nieces engagement this weekend. Having it at my home because of the big space. Anyway talking relationships. It comes to my attention some people think I am weird. Talking behind my back. I honestly don’t care. All I know is I’m going through a lot with my battle against anxiety and depression.

I’m 30 and single and people seem to be asking the question how come I don’t have a girl friend, or rather should I say! Probably family gossiping behind my back or so. The truth is my anxiety has progressed into social anxiety which means now I find to hard to be around new people or in public. Its often the reason why I don’t go out a lot now days and sit in my room and work from home. I hide behind social media to avoid human contact.

I know its not normal. I am on medication but it only helps calm me down and not adapt to real life situations. On the other hand if I don’t take my medication I want to kill myself.

Well welcome to the story of my life. Anxiety is real. You can’t pray it away but you can pray for the strength to face it everyday. I am slowly getting better through the help of God and medication but its a daily battle with sometimes a few set backs.

My recent anxiety and depression relapse

Hi to my blogging family. You know it took me a while to write this post. I’ve been struggling. I’ve recently contracted the flu for about 2 weeks. I was so sick and weak that I stopped taking my antidepressants. I was just focusing on getting better from the flu. Well I did get better and slowly forgot about taking my antidepressants again. I’ve noticed how my anxiety and depression levels went up.

I couldn’t sleep. Everything was so loud, like everyone voices crowed in my head. My problems become more scarier. I become terrified of life. Thoughts of suicide crept into my head. Voices in my mind telling me : “I haven’t accomplished anything. You know not moving forward. Things are a lot harder for you than others.” I tried to shut these voices out but I couldn’t. My headaches where getting worst. My mind was all over the place. I’ve been really irritable lately. Even been ignoring people on instant messengers and social networks.

Its only been yesterday since I went back on my antidepressants. I feel calmer and less stressed out and not panicing for about every little thing before. To be honest I don’t want to use antidepressants but its the only thing for now that’s helping me stay calm. Maybe not 100% more like 70% but still it helps. Life isn’t easy for me I guess that’s why I have a lot of anxiety. This generally easy for others are 10 times harder for me. Guess its why I like to run away from my problems.

Before I got sick I was on the right track on getting my life right but this set back really put me back off my progress. Going have to start over now.

This weeks goal finally done but with some complications

Hi! To those of you who has been reading my blog. I’m sure you know by now I’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. So I recently I put my life on hold to fight this thing. I’ve recently been contacted by the south african anxiety and depression community on what I should do about my problem.

My goal for this week was to get a letter from my clinic so I could get treatment and therapy for my anxiety from the government hospital because I can’t afford to go to a private one.

So yesterday I did go to the clinic and this one nurse was giving me shit about why I was there because “she was like? what’s that anxiety you came here for!”. I was so angry,anxious an felt like slapping her. I think that nurse was new because she didn’t really know what she was doing or how to handle my problem. Thank god another nurse came in and helped me. She understood how hard it was for me to come there for help and assisted me kindly unlike that other nurse.

I’m just glad I’m finally done with that. Next I have to visit the hospital to see a therapist to advise me what to do. God knows this anxiety has held me back for far to long and I will not let a moment longer be wasted. So yeah! Dealing with my anxiety is my number one priority right now.

Fear confusion and anxiety

Hi if you been wondering where I been or why I haven’t written any blog posts lately. Well I’m feeling a little lost with my life right now. Yes finally I’m acknowledging I have anxiety and dealing with it is taking its toll on me. Doubting your every decision. Unsure if anything you do is right or any good is nerve wrecking.

Today as I was watching a movie I couldn’t even enjoy it because my mind was over thinking and wondering if my mom is gonna come in and shout at me for sitting and watching movies all day. My mind came up with its own conclusions feeling pressurised wondering what my mom is thinking of me. My mind was in constant fear wondering what my mom would taught of me even though she didn’t do or think of any of that.

That’s why I try to sleep a lot because when I’m awake I’m constantly over thinking and feeling pressurised when nobody is really pressuring me. Its my own minds doing. My anxiety is getting worst and I have no help. No support. I’ve taught of telling my parents but maybe they will think I’m making excuses for not getting a job or being lazy all the time. Instead I’m really depressed.

So yeah I don’t feel like blogging or designing graphics. I feel like I lost the momentum and motivation. I’m gonna be 30 years in november. So yeah I do feel pressured and confused by my own mind because I don’t have a job. I don’t have a car. I’m single. I also can’t drive because I become terrified nervous and get frozen. So I’m kinda of a frustrated loser if you think about it.

I don’t date any girls now because I feel like a nut job because I get nervous shy with anxiety. Afraid I might under perform sexually if my anxiety gets out of control in my relationship.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I so weak and afraid. My friends ain’t like this. They take on their lives and jobs so fearlessly and excel at it but me! I get nervous I panic. Lose control and then is unable to comprehend what I am suppose to do feeling kinda dumb because of my anxiety.

I kinda hate myself right now and avoid anything that might stress me out or cause me anxiety. I wanna kill myself right now but I don’t have the guts to go through with something like that. Yes I’m confused and saying a lot of things that I hid in my heart for a long time. Prayer hasn’t been enough to help but I’m still hoping God is gonna come through some how.