Hi it’s your friendly neighborhood blogger spiderman just kidding. I know I haven’t been consistent lately with my blog Posts. There’s a reason. If you read my blog or stumbled upon it you will know I have an anxiety disorder. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s takes a lot of effort to do the simplest of things like go outside, take a walk, visit a friend. It feels uncomfortable to leave my room. Even when my mom would clean my room I would get so angry because I just wanna go lay down on my bed and do nothing but think, worry and over analyze things.
Been thinking of suicide lately, that it is easier to skip the hard parts of my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with an anxiety life. I’m going for therapy but it’s to low progress if you ask me. I’m impatient now. I want a better life now. I want to be confident now. I want to be a talented, creative and successful graphic designer now.
I’ve been asking myself today why did I have to be born this way. Why did God make me so weak. I just don’t understand. Lately I just don’t care about things I loved like success, social networking, girls, friends, family. It’s like I’m emotionally numb. Guess being isolated in my room doesn’t make it any easier.
My Psychologist says I’m making progress but I don’t feel like it and he said things will get worst before they get better because my mind is used to being in a certain way and now I’m trying to change that. So it’s putting up a fight that’s why I’m in the state I am right now.
Anyway I thought I’d just share something to prove I’m still alive. Lol i know I suck at jokes. If you reading this advice is welcome please thank you.
Finally this is a post I’m excited to write about. Last night before I could go to bed about 10pm I just went to facebook to check my messages and updates only to get a shock of my life. You see about 3 weeks or so I entered a competition for an alcatel idol alpha and I forgot about it. I honestly didn’t think I’d win so I entered anyway since I’m a huge fan of the alcatel brand. As I said I checked my facebook only to find out I was there winner. I could not believe it. I wasn’t even sure if I really won. Then it finally hit me, fully of excitement busting inside of me. I never won a thing in my life and something has finally happened.
My 1st android smart phone was an alcatel pixi 1 and then I got a pixi 2. I just love how alcatel had rebranded themselves is why I support their brand because its such an inspiration to make a huge come back in the mobile industry.
I like to thank alcatel sa and digital street for this honour. It really means a lot to me. Now the only hard part is waiting for my new smart phone which I can’t wait to get 😀
Yesterday I discovered something. My life feels empty. Lonely. Since my dogs passed away. I feel something is missing. Still yesterday I was happy for a moment. My brother visited and my nieces came over to. They always so excited when they visit my home. Yesterday my nieces wanted me to load some games on their tablets. You know their excitement, their energy it was infectious.
I was happy. They don’t look at me like other people do. The unemployed, the failure. They just have unconditional love for me. Just as my dogs gave me. So yesterday for a brief moment I was happy. They might be hope after all. Something worth salvaging in my life.
I also feel that way when I’m with my close friends. In that moment I’m with them nothing else matters. Life without people to share it with is pointless. Even with all the money in the world you’d be lonely. Despite what I’m going through in my life. My anxiety, depression, failures, loss. These things gave me a new appreciation for the people in my life and holding on to the moments that matter.
I just gotta say it! My birthday is coming up soon and I’m looking forward to it. I’m not one to usually celebrate my birthday. Its usually just another day. This year I’ve been thinking about it a lot. My birthday should be meaningful and special. Its my day and I should get to do what I want.
Birthday gifts are great and I could give you a list of the things I want. Like a new phone or a new computer, but as great as those things are. This year I want something money can’t buy. Like confidence or charisma. I’m gonna be 29 years old and I’ve lived with intimidation and anxiety all my life. Its time I’ve lived a little and enjoyed it.
As you get older you think about your life and how you lived it. How people will remember you. Birthdays should be celebrated because you celebrating not a day but your life.
I’m looking forward to seeing my closest friends if possible. Also looking forward to seeing my close family like my brother, sister and my nieces. Also looking forward when my mom cooks my favourite food outside on the fire. Chicken curry. I’m not sure yet how I’m gonna celebrate my birthday but I guess you could always read about it on my blog.
Finally a weekend with a difference. My neighbours daughter is getting married. It was a hindu wedding, so the events started from friday night, saturday night, and finally the wedding on sunday. My neighbours house is colourful with lights and decor cause it is hindu custom. Our neighbourhood hasn’t been this lively for a while.
Guess I did benefit from this wedding. Celebrating someone else’s happiness like a wedding helped me get out of my own reality. Also I got to socialise with 2 girls in my neighbourhood. They sisters. We hardly see each other unless there’s a a birthday party or wedding in the area.
They sweet and pretty. If it wasn’t for them I’d bored without any company. I’d be left to sit with aunties otherwise. Nothing but female company at a wedding to make a guy look good. Also a small rumour at the wedding that people taught one of them was my girlfriend. Well people talk for nothing #lol. I did get to enjoy myself so that’s all that mattered.
I’m so tired now writing this post expressing my weekend. Just glad to celebrate something. I learnt that money, success, fame means nothing if you don’t have people to share it with.
Today as a beggar came begging for food at our home gate made me question my life’s existence. I taught to myself what if that was me begging, what If i was born into that family without a home. This made me feel guilty because I go to bed with a full stomach and a warm bed to sleep. As hard as my life is, it is a blessed life. Its takes another’s persons pain in order for you to see it.
Sometimes you might not have poverty as an issue and maybe you feel ugly. The person whose blessed with beauty doesn’t really know how blessed they are. The unattractive have to resort to using sex as a tool in order to get attention and use desperate measures while those who look beautiful are rewarded for their looks.
Before you think you have it bad look harder into the lives of others and you’ll find out how blessed your really are. While I work towards my dreams, others are working to survive. Life is unfair and I had to write this post.
I had to say what’s on my mind or I’m gonna explode.
Learn to appreciate what you have and learn to do more for others. There’s a saying, giving is better then receiving. It doesn’t always have to be about money. You can share your time with someone who is lonely. Someone may need your encouragement. People seem to think its all about money. Have we lost our humanity and become selfish.
If you had to die today what will people remember you for. Leave a legacy behind. Just remember that you are blessed. I don’t know about you but I do feel guilty at times for the life I have, because I’m sure someone else in my life would do so much more with than I. Tomorrow is a new day so start over ,have no regrets and live your life the way it was meant to be.