I’ve been struggling

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Hi it’s your friendly neighborhood blogger spiderman just kidding. I know I haven’t been consistent lately with my blog Posts.  There’s a reason.  If you read my blog or stumbled upon it you will know I have an anxiety disorder. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed.  It’s takes a lot of effort to do the simplest of things like go outside,  take a walk,  visit a friend.  It feels uncomfortable to leave my room.  Even when my mom would clean my room I would get so angry because I just wanna go lay down on my bed and do nothing but think,  worry and over analyze things.

Been thinking of suicide lately,  that it is easier to skip the hard parts of my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with an anxiety life. I’m going for therapy but it’s to low progress if you ask me.  I’m impatient now.  I want a better life now. I want to be confident now. I want to be a talented, creative and successful graphic designer now.

I’ve been asking myself today why did I have to be born this way.  Why did God make me so weak. I just don’t understand.  Lately I just don’t care about things I loved like success,  social networking, girls, friends, family. It’s like I’m emotionally numb.  Guess being isolated in my room doesn’t make it any easier.

My Psychologist says I’m making progress but I don’t feel like it and he said things will get worst before they get better because my mind is used to being in a certain way and now I’m trying to change that.  So it’s putting up a fight that’s why I’m in the state I am right now.

Anyway I thought I’d just share something to prove I’m still alive.  Lol i know I suck at jokes.  If you reading this advice is welcome please thank you.

Overwhelming choices

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Life isn’t so easy when you trying to aim for your dreams. Lately I’ve been overwhelmed and doubting myself. Why? Over 5 years ago I got into graphic design using free software ‘gimp and inkscape’ but as of lately I’ve been working in the print design industry and I have to use photoshop and illustrator. This means its like starting from scratch learning new software and how this industry works.

Its bad enough I have anxiety but now I can’t sleep. All I’m thinking about is when will I’ll been done learning this software. I’m anxious everyday. Its eating me up. I’ve even given thought to giving up on graphic design.

Sure I’m working now but my job might soon come to an end. Sure its a great job but I always wanted to be my own boss someday. Sure it sounds great in theory but its easier said than done. I still haven’t settled on a design for my own business cards. I haven’t had the courage yet to call or make any communication with any printing company that I might use in the future to print my clients designs.

It feels like a pipe dream, I’m 31 and Starting over in graphic design, Which makes me a beginner again. So do I even stand a chance? To start my own business. Its killing me all these choices. If only I had someone to talk to. Someone to help me in my field. That would be amazing but life isn’t that easy right. I don’t have the connections or the resources.

Do I give up or keep trying….! Guess we will see in time.

Finally broke the news to my family that I have anxiety!

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This morning I woke up feeling kinda down. So just as I work up, then my mom tells me to send a message to my sister to phone her. So my sister phoned my mom. They was talking a bit next thing I know my mom is telling my sister that she must talk to me because I’m doing nothing with my live. Bitching about how one pastor on tv said if you feel you nothing you be nothing. The conversation when on and on.

Eventually I couldn’t take it and I told my mother give me the dam phone. So I told my sister in front of my mother that I got anxiety and that sort out help because I can’t get job only to lose it because of my anxiety. What shocked me the most was the words my sister told me was ” Sometimes we don’t get the jobs we want!” The my sister gave me the example about my niece wanting to do teacher and didn’t because she couldn’t afford to.

Those words broke my heart! I believed what she said because I always looked up to her. I felt my dreams literally being crushed. I went in my room and began thinking to much about what she said! Which gave me a panic attack. After a few minutes I calmed myself. Watching tv, playing on my phone anything to keep my mind distracted.

After hearing that I have anxiety my mom never asked me a word about it or how I felt. You know what! fuck the pastor who said what he said. My family should be encouraging me and not listening to what some pastor says on tv. Sometimes we become so religious we forget to care about one another and judge each other instead.

In a way what happen today is a good thing I’ve been struggling with coming up with a way to tell my parents I have anxiety. Today was unexpected more like an outburst. If this didn’t happen I wouldn’t of never told my parents about my anxiety at all. I wanted to deal with it on my own because I knew they wouldn’t support me when I needed them.

On a good note I feel a lot lighter for getting that of my chest. On the bad note I do feel like killing myself because of what my sister said. I mean we don’t always get what we want. Hell I never expected her of all people to say that. I’ve worked hard to learn graphic design skills without going to college or any institute. I plan working for myself someday. Can’t believe you would tell me I can’t have that.

Still I will always love my family no matter what they said. Just gonna have to work on my dreams on my own without their support that’s all.

Fear confusion and anxiety

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Hi if you been wondering where I been or why I haven’t written any blog posts lately. Well I’m feeling a little lost with my life right now. Yes finally I’m acknowledging I have anxiety and dealing with it is taking its toll on me. Doubting your every decision. Unsure if anything you do is right or any good is nerve wrecking.

Today as I was watching a movie I couldn’t even enjoy it because my mind was over thinking and wondering if my mom is gonna come in and shout at me for sitting and watching movies all day. My mind came up with its own conclusions feeling pressurised wondering what my mom is thinking of me. My mind was in constant fear wondering what my mom would taught of me even though she didn’t do or think of any of that.

That’s why I try to sleep a lot because when I’m awake I’m constantly over thinking and feeling pressurised when nobody is really pressuring me. Its my own minds doing. My anxiety is getting worst and I have no help. No support. I’ve taught of telling my parents but maybe they will think I’m making excuses for not getting a job or being lazy all the time. Instead I’m really depressed.

So yeah I don’t feel like blogging or designing graphics. I feel like I lost the momentum and motivation. I’m gonna be 30 years in november. So yeah I do feel pressured and confused by my own mind because I don’t have a job. I don’t have a car. I’m single. I also can’t drive because I become terrified nervous and get frozen. So I’m kinda of a frustrated loser if you think about it.

I don’t date any girls now because I feel like a nut job because I get nervous shy with anxiety. Afraid I might under perform sexually if my anxiety gets out of control in my relationship.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I so weak and afraid. My friends ain’t like this. They take on their lives and jobs so fearlessly and excel at it but me! I get nervous I panic. Lose control and then is unable to comprehend what I am suppose to do feeling kinda dumb because of my anxiety.

I kinda hate myself right now and avoid anything that might stress me out or cause me anxiety. I wanna kill myself right now but I don’t have the guts to go through with something like that. Yes I’m confused and saying a lot of things that I hid in my heart for a long time. Prayer hasn’t been enough to help but I’m still hoping God is gonna come through some how.

Good bye for now

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Its 11pm tonight and I’m still up. I can’t sleep because there’s so much on my mind. Mostly that my BIS(blackberry internet service) expires at midnight tonight. I have no money for data or internet so I’m gonna be offline for now. Who knows it could be a few days, a week or even a month.

Unfortunately what ever money I do have I’m helping out my family at home because we are financially in a bad situation. Sometimes I just wanna give up and blame GOD for our situation.

To be honest I feel like committing suicide. Life is to hard for me. I can’t get a job. Even when I do get a job. I screw it up because I feel pressured not by others but myself because of my anxiety. I don’t even have the money to seek professional help about that.

Anyway I just wanted to say good bye for now.

Dose of reality hits me

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Where do I start! This morning my sleep broke, my head hot and sweaty. I had a nightmare. Imagine all your insecurities and fears coming to reality. I can’t believe something like this has happen, just when I started getting my life in order. This nightmare put so much fear in me that I’m starting to think that my dreams are a waste of time.

My family thinks so. All I ever wanted was their respect to see me more than just a failure. I may believe I’m a success but until I prove to people otherwise I’m nothing. This nightmare gave me a hash dose of reality. I can’t think clearly or focus. I don’t know want to do. My confidence is shaken. I feel like a nervous wreck.

Feels like all my progress was for nothing because my nightmare felt so real. Also it showed me that I would be alone no family no friends and how I would mess up my life. It was so terrifying my sleep broke at 3am in the morning. To be honest I’m feeling kind of confused about what I should do. I’m writing this post to express how I feel and so I can heal.

I apologise for this depressing post. I am just as surprised that I am feeling this way.