The gift of christmas

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This time of year everyone has a lot going on. High expectations. This year I really began to think about the meaning of christmas. As a Christian I owed it to myself and God! The realised that hit me even though obvious to others. God came or was born into this word to give us hope.

I wasn’t sure if this christmas was gonna be worth celebrating. Since last years one was a bit depressing. So I didn’t think about that this time and allowed the day to play out. It turned out to be an awesome christmas with family. Spending the day together. Since we hardly often spend quality time together. For the first time I felt like I’ve let go and enjoyed being in the present moment with family and had a really good time. Why I say that because for someone like me with an anxiety disorder that is difficult.

I think I slept like a baby last night. Both physical and mentally christmas was fulfilling. Spending time with my sister and niece, and later brother and his children. I think that happiness effected me in a more positive way than I thought. My heart is so happy to had such a wonderful christmas.

I know this post is a day late but I want to wish you my blog family a very merry christmas.

God’s Plan is there such a thing?

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Yesterday morning I woke up deep in thought. Wondering about the direction my life is going. I began to ask myself, is this part of Gods plan for me. I wasn’t sure. I even had a discussion with my friend Zak just to hear his point of view on the subject. He said maybe if he was more spiritual maybe would be easier to believe that there is such a thing as God plan. We both have been distance in our faith in God. We realised as talking our faith is really in self confidence and technology that eventually let us down. That is why I am lost.

While talking with Zak I was telling him maybe God has a plan for us because what happen to me. last I was unemployed and just lost my Dog brandy that year. I was devastated, close to suicide and had nothing to live for. Then an opportunity came a job. Not just any job but a job I could do, a job I am happy doing. It was thanks to zak for helping get this job but the timing was perfect. As I worked there focused on work I loved doing. It became a little easier getting through the loss of my Dog ‘Brandy’. Also talking about God plans. Even though I’m a graphic designer. While working there I learnt things you could never learn in a book and I got real world experience of how the industry works. So I am also grateful for that.

This month is exactly a year I’ve been working there. I’m not sure if I’d be employed there any longer so makes me wonder what’s God’s plan for me now!

I dont know how to be christain but I know how to believe in God

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I’ve been thinking lately ever since my aunt died a week ago. That I should get closer to God. Who knows when what will happen and I don’t want it to be to late. The thing is! In terms of religion I’m a Christian but honestly, I don’t know how be exactly that. I see people in church they like super holy. It seems weird.

I pray to God and help where I can, but I can’t be like the people in church. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean everyone. Just mean some people who over do it with religion.

Plus in church there are different circles. Rich interacts and makes friendships with other rich people and poor for the poor. Just doesn’t seem very christian like. That’s why it confuses me what it is to be christian, How does one truly be that.

Guess I’ll stick to the bible when it comes to God, because with people even pastors! You never know what to expect. No one is perfect. I don’t to intend to be perfect but live my life the best way I can to best understanding of God’s word in the bible I guess. Maybe others with disagree with me.

What is it! To be blessed?

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Hi my friends and bloggers hope you been well. Lately something been worrying me. I’ve been blessed a lot the last month. Prayers are being answered. I don’t get why now. I’ve been praying in the past harder and was more dedicated to God back then. Now I just pray in the mornings but ever since my Dogs died I lost faith in God.

Recently I’ve become bored and empty with my life. Besides the fact I’m suffering from anxiety. I’ve prayed and asked God for a new cell phone and he gave me 2. Because of my anxiety I asked God for purpose and a job where I’d be able to work from home some how and he did that too.

I don’t understand. Is this what it means to be blessed. I’m not sure I deserve it. I’ve seen many more people more deserving and holier than me, their prayers un answered. So why is mine being answered all of a sudden. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for God’s blessing. Just not used to prayers being answered I guess.

God isn’t real!

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Im sure many of you wouldn’t agree with me when I say! God isn’t real. Due to recent tragedies I lost my faith in God and have been looking for a reason to believe in him again. The truth be told the more I pray the worse things get. Whats worst is I dont believe but recently people I know, strong believers I know are suffering terribly.

An intercessor at our church lost her son due to suicide. Another person from my church! His wife got cancer. Where is God in all this. What good suppose to come out from all of this. When I prayed for God to save my dogs they died anyway.

The truth is im angry at God and terribly scared of the future. Im not sure what to do or what to believe anymore. Yeah I hope to believe that God is real but as off lately his done a great job convincing me he doesn’t.

I feel like an idiot sometimes praying to the fresh air. I mean people claim to have connections with God, they claim God has spoken to them, so why not speak to me when I need him.

From almost losing everything to here

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Its been a rough few months if you have been reading my blog. From the point of having no food to eat. To not having money to pay the light bill. To having no money to pay for the bond (mortgage). Not to mention my dad almost losing his job. A lot has happened!

These difficult situations forced my family to the point to sell anything we could for money. We put our car for sale. Then our house to sell just so we could survive.

There was many sleepless nights. Prayers with tears and just faith that God would do something to turn things around. I don’t know how but things slowly began to change. My fathers job was no longer at sake.

On the good news part of things. My mom disability grant was approved but for price. Due to her being unwell. Also my sister also agreed to help my dad pay for the Bond(mortgage) every month. if my dad decides to leave work he will get his old age grant because his over 60 years. Finally finance is coming our way and we don’t have to sell our house anymore. There’s so much more I could tell you about how god has blessed us but I just wanna savour the moment.

I thank god for what his done because I never taught I’d see a good day anytime soon after the hell we’ve been through for the last few months. Anyway I just wanted to write this post to say how grateful I am for what I have and what God has done for me and my family. 🙂

Where are you god when we need you!

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Today I decided to redo my cv(resume) which americans call resume. Unfortunately I have to put my dreams on hold. Money is tight and I don’t even think we have enough money to pay this months light bill. So who knows when they gonna come cut it.

Well things have been hard since my dad isn’t working over time and they barely have enough work. So his not even working his full hours. So we getting less money and can’t afford to met up the bills.

Sadly we might be forced to sell the house and car eventually to do something to survive. I love my dreams but I love my family more. Sadly its not just us that struggling it seems neighbours and friends are going through the same thing because of this screwed up economy and government.

To be honest it feels like god has forsaken us. Like our praying are not being answered. I’m trying to be positive but its hard when nothing is working out and things are getting worst. Well I haven’t given up yet. So if you can please pray for my family I could use all the help I can get.