Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.
Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.
I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.
Hey guys it seems I’m kinda employed again aside from my freelance graphic design. Earlier this week I’ve gotten an email from my former work place asking me to help them with some edits, mostly to do with a huge size poster to be edited and modified also ready for print. Guess they only called because the book project of the company got invited for an arts festival. So now they only need me because they need posters done to represent them at that festival.
Yesterday I went to discuss how much I’m gonna get paid first before starting work. So I’m not ripped off. Unfortunately I also started yesterday with lots of edits to an existing poster I originally designed. It was taking forever to edit. Since the poster is 2 meters by 850mm which is a massive size. The computer takes a long time to render each change. Especially when you saving it after every edit. Because of the the pressure and deadline was end of yesterday. I had to design things any how! A rush job and not implement and creative changes. It was so frustrating. Sometimes the computer would take 10 to 20 minutes frozen, waiting.
Even after I knocked off work. I felt unsatisfied with the work I’ve done. It sucks being under pressure. When I got home I received more emails from work needing help to add changes. That was so ridiculous. It’s like teaching a graphic design crash course in 5 minutes. Again this morning worked phoned me. Asking how to do changes I did my best to explain and hoped to it worked out because today they knew I was unavailable. They don’t know why but so you know it was because I had group therapy and I’m not gonna sacrifice myself improvement for anything.
Lately I’ve been stressed because I haven’t been called into work because there isn’t much work to do. So last week tuesday I received an email from my manager saying they will call me in when the work is ready for me to do. I’m kinda anxious because, my dad is asking me all these questions when I’m going back to work etc. I can tell his worried weather this job is gonna last which also made me start to worry about the same thing.
To be honest it feel good that I had some stability this last year because this month is exactly a year I’ve been working at this company. Also now that I’m working I feel a little more confident in myself. Because when I was unemployed there where times I would lie and tell people I’m working from home just so I wouldn’t feel ashamed. Also now that I’m working my parents are proud of me and have respect for me. I remember the dark days of having them look down on me thinking I’m useless and lazy. I don’t ever want to go back there.
Besides being employed helps around the house. In terms of my dreams I haven’t taken any actions because I’m comfortable where I’m at. Besides writing this post I’ve been so depressed since this weekend been in my room and bed all day. I was trying to be positive and its not easy when you not motivated. I guess I blame myself for no being more prepared. I knew this job wouldn’t last forever but some how I forgotten that along the line or my mind is just over reacting.
Today I went to work early. As I always do. When I went into work I couldn’t help but notice there’s this hot attractive women sitting near my office. My co-worker ‘Pretty’ and yes her name is pretty. She introduced me to my new co worker. It was her first day on the job. She was sweet, friendly and smart. Was great chatting to her. Her name is Julie she said. I thought it is a cute name but i couldn’t tell her. I didn’t want her to think I’m hitting on her on her 1st day of work. For me it was a crush at first sight. Until I asked her how she travels to work and she said her husband dropped her off. Right there and then my crush, or lust was just crushed.
I was so disappointed. The fact that she’s married there’s no hope for me. Still I like to get to know her better because she’s not only beautiful but has a good personality. Also love to just have a good conversation with her if, I can’t have sex with her that is.
Is it so wrong to want a friend or lover to be a newly hired co worker. Well guess time will tell how this will go. So I have to put aside my lusy crush and be professional after all I have to work with her.
I’m sure a lot of people are thinking! Is he insane. Its a tough economy. ‘His turning down a job’. To be honest I’m going crazy thinking about it. Its a job I have no experience in, for the same amount pay at my current job. Only upside to the job they offer benefits and the job will be more permanent.
So why didn’t I take the job! Cause I’m a slower learner anything out of my depth causes me anxiety. My previous job I was asked why am I so stupid while having a panic attack. This was caused because I wasn’t learning the job fast enough. The unknown not having control makes me anxious building up anxiety.
If you judging me don’t! You don’t know what’s it’s like to live with a mental disability. Living in fear. Unable to trust your own thoughts or make a decision without feeling regret all the time. Its often why I had avoided working for a long time. I prefer working as a freelance graphic designer where I can work at my own pace, its what got me this job and also by the help of a friend.
Getting a new job is scary for me. Especially when I don’t know anything about it and have to magically learn it on the spot. I can’t do miracles. I wish I was a fast learner with a high self esteem but I’m not. Sometimes I wonder why I was made this way. Its really weird I think but! I am who I am.
As a graphic designer in the real world it’s a lot more different. I’ve been so used to designing for digital, but now that I’ve gotten a job where i have to design for print. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I haven’t accounted for bleed and dpi.
Still I’m glad I’ve made these mistakes. I’ve learnt a lot since I started this job. I’m slowly easing into the designing for print. Well after viewing some tutorials and reading some design for print blogs I believe I’m up to speed when it comes to print design.
What’s funny is! I kind of come from 3 generations of family working in the printing industry. My dad and my 2 brothers, but some how I didn’t want to be evolved in the same industry as my family but some how i did even if its on the graphic design side which is slightly different.
Here’s 1 of my first designs to be printed as book cover. Please mind the quality my phone camera isn’t very good.
Hi my friends and bloggers hope you been well. Lately something been worrying me. I’ve been blessed a lot the last month. Prayers are being answered. I don’t get why now. I’ve been praying in the past harder and was more dedicated to God back then. Now I just pray in the mornings but ever since my Dogs died I lost faith in God.
Recently I’ve become bored and empty with my life. Besides the fact I’m suffering from anxiety. I’ve prayed and asked God for a new cell phone and he gave me 2. Because of my anxiety I asked God for purpose and a job where I’d be able to work from home some how and he did that too.
I don’t understand. Is this what it means to be blessed. I’m not sure I deserve it. I’ve seen many more people more deserving and holier than me, their prayers un answered. So why is mine being answered all of a sudden. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for God’s blessing. Just not used to prayers being answered I guess.