Hey online world I know it’s been a while. Money is tight for me right now. So even buying data is a privilege. Unfortunately I have to use carefully the little data I have. From December il only be able to use it for WhatsApp and blog and tweet once a month. Being unemployed is rough but not being able to help out at home is even worst.
I’m currently looking for a part time job which will be more manageable in my anxiety situation. Therapy is helping one step at a time. I only wish things would get better quickly. Also got a therapy session this Friday which I’m looking forward to.
Lately I’ve been trying to give my faith some influence in my life i guess there’s something comforting about knowing there’s a higher power looking out for you if you let it. So yeah I began to pray small prayers every morning. For some reason I just can’t bring myself to read my bible.
Also November is my birthday month so I’m hoping to celebrate that 🙂
Lately I found myself depressed by going on Facebook. The truth is I am a little jealous when I see how much people got going on, in their lives compare to mine. I know I sound petty. Maybe anxiety is to blame or I want to blame anxiety. Facebook shows me beautiful women that I know I can’t have. So much temptation.
So Facebook has been bad for my mental health and so I decided to deactivate it. I t’s been a few days and honestly I’m feeling better. Maybe it was an addiction to see my Facebook posts how many likes and comments I would get that would determine my worth. Sounds stupid but it’s how I felt because I needed something to make me like I was important. That I mattered. Sometimes I would check my Facebook every 5 to 10 minutes.
Hey bloggersphere its me living in my own little anxiety world filled of worries and stress. Doesn’t sound fun right! Cause it isn’t. This past weekend I almost found myself lashing out at my mom in anxious rage because my mind was going crazy with anxious thoughts. I could hear them so loud in my head and I’m trying to focus and my mom talking to me and it began to irritate me. I was wanted to shout shut up so the thoughts like voices would stop but it took everything in me not to lash out.
I’m worried how much more therapy do I need before I’m cured from this curse called anxiety. I’ve kept how I’ve been feeling inside for a long time and I need to let it out. Thank God I have my blog to record my thoughts. Honestly a diary app annoys me I prefer to write a blog post so people going through what I am can relate or even reach out. I sometimes get advice from an anxiety group on Facebook call ” Calmer You Community”. The groups Admin is a psychologist. Often helpful.
Still I’m also going for therapy once a month at a government hospital. I’m not sure how much more therapy I’m gonna need before I’m better. If things don’t change for me by this end of this year. I’m thinking of quitting my passion of graphic design and focus the new year on getting a regular job. Of course I will work hard from now till end of this year. If Gods favor be with me I will succeed. So right now God first, prayer, therapy and hope it all works out.
This past Thursday I was disappointed to learn my neighbour was moving! Why? Because I love their dog Jackie who always visits me as you made of read in my last post. The disturbing news I got was my neighbour wasn’t really moving but actually they got kicked out for not paying rent. They had some family issues when my neighbour retired from work he collected a substantial amount of money which he spent every last cent on luxuries and now broke.
I feel bad for them even though they brought it on themselves. The fear that someone’s life could change that drastically has instilled fear in me. This could be me one day if I don’t get my act together and overcome my anxiety. Also I can’t help but worry what’s gonna happen to my neighbour’s dog Jackie. Will they have to give her away or leave her to be homeless. Still can’t stop thinking about the dog. They don’t seem to care about their own dog. I even offered to help look after the dog this weekend. I wish I could keep the dog but my parents won’t let me because if will be to costly and I’m not working.
Life is scarier than ever for me. I wonder what tomorrow will hold…
I had to wake up early because I had an appointment with my psychologist. So I went to the hospital and came home about 2 in the afternoon. Finally got home getting out the car my mom tells me I must see my neighbours are moving cause all their stuff is outside. My dad went to see my neighbour and when he comes back, he confirms that they moving. It was a huge shock for me.
Why? Cause my neighbours Jack Russell dog whose name is Jackie spent most of its days at my house playing with me, eating here and stuff. So yes I’m attached to the dog like it is my own. To hear that I might not never see her again is heart breaking. I get along better with dogs than humans. This dog has been a good friend to me.
I know every morning Jackie will come and bite my feet and I’ll carry her. Sometimes she’s likes to bite my socks and take off and run. She’s cute like that. It hurts I can’t do anything about it. She’s not my dog 😦 this totally sucks. Don’t know how I’m going to get over this.
Hi it’s your friendly neighborhood blogger spiderman just kidding. I know I haven’t been consistent lately with my blog Posts. There’s a reason. If you read my blog or stumbled upon it you will know I have an anxiety disorder. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s takes a lot of effort to do the simplest of things like go outside, take a walk, visit a friend. It feels uncomfortable to leave my room. Even when my mom would clean my room I would get so angry because I just wanna go lay down on my bed and do nothing but think, worry and over analyze things.
Been thinking of suicide lately, that it is easier to skip the hard parts of my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with an anxiety life. I’m going for therapy but it’s to low progress if you ask me. I’m impatient now. I want a better life now. I want to be confident now. I want to be a talented, creative and successful graphic designer now.
I’ve been asking myself today why did I have to be born this way. Why did God make me so weak. I just don’t understand. Lately I just don’t care about things I loved like success, social networking, girls, friends, family. It’s like I’m emotionally numb. Guess being isolated in my room doesn’t make it any easier.
My Psychologist says I’m making progress but I don’t feel like it and he said things will get worst before they get better because my mind is used to being in a certain way and now I’m trying to change that. So it’s putting up a fight that’s why I’m in the state I am right now.
Anyway I thought I’d just share something to prove I’m still alive. Lol i know I suck at jokes. If you reading this advice is welcome please thank you.
Lately I’ve been feeling really pressured in all areas of my life ever since I’ve been to a neighbors funeral this past tuesday. Life is short and the day has only gotten shorter ever since I’ve set goals with deadlines. Anyway going to that funeral got me thinking! Right now in my life I’m a Loser to peoples standards. Still I want to achieve success in my parents life time, while they still alive. So much pressure comes with these thoughts.
Due to the pressure I’ve been designing poorly and feels I’ve taken steps back in life. This is frustrating as hell. I’m being stressed out. On top of that my brother won’t visit home because of his evil wife. This is hurting my dad which hurts me. I mean for father’s day not even a phone call or visit. Which father wouldn’t feel hurt and it hurts me to giving me anxiety and family pressure.
Also a few weeks ago I launched my website as a graphic designer to possibility use as a portfolio and draw in clients. Now that the site is done. I feel lots of pressure to design the perfect portfolio. This pressure isn’t good for me it’s just making me design Crappy designs and doubt myself slash abilities. Anyway sorry for the late post just been busy working on my design website.
Hey its me again. It’s finally the weekend and didn’t have much planned till a family friend invited my family for a birthday party. My mom wasn’t to well so I decided I’d go with my dad. I was really dreading going there. Like? Whom will I talk to. Hope we there not to long.
Finally we arrived there I was anxious to want to go home. I was feeling uncomfortable. Social anxiety you could say. Still I tried to pass time by trying to make conversations with the people I did know. It helped pass some time but not enough. Then I noticed a cute girl I didn’t know. I’ve kept trying to somehow cross paths to make a conversation with her but no luck.
Finally later that night she was outside alone I introduced myself and surprisingly the conversation was flowing like I didn’t have to try. This has never happened to me before. We also had a lot In common. We both loved anime, comic books, the same tvshows and so on. We clicked, for me that’s a rare thing. I knew this girl was amazing and I had to get to know her better. So some how I have the courage to ask her for her WhatsApp number I even gave her my phone to enter it.
The only problem was when I messaged her only to realized she added a fake number. Cause the profile has been used in a week and I saw her use her WhatsApp last night and the profile pic was of a baby of different race and my messages weren’t going through. I was so heart broken I mean I really liked this girl and she gave me a fake number. That’s so mean. I don’t know if I can ever ask a women out or for her number again 😦
Today I woke up about half past five this morning to go to the hospital to see the psychiatric doctor. The worst thing about going to a government hospital is the long lines in front of you. It’s why I had to wake up so early to beat the crowd so I can get a good spot in the line to see the psych doctor.
Minutes felt like hours for someone suffering with an anxiety disorder. It was frustrating the line hasn’t moved in an hour. These nurse not even doing anything. People in my line complained to the hospital staff and replied go relax and wait. So rude.
Anyway finally I got my file and there after had to go wait in yet again in another line for the doctor. In my mind I’m thinking when is this day gonna end. I rather die than sit another minute. Eventually I made some conversation with some people and an interesting topic came up. Lady whose also Christian not judging mental illness but talking to me about it the right way. Where that even though I’m seeking help, that I should still pray and trust God. Sometimes God has his ways of helping us. Weather through miracles or doctors. Cause in the past I’ve been judge by fellow Christians for having anxiety like an evil spirit. Now I know not all Christians are close minded. Then finally after hours of waiting it was my turn to see the doctor.
We discussed my process and set backs and also that my clinic has prescribed me wrong medication all this time. So the doctor had to write me a new script to collect new medication for my anxiety and must try it for the next month and come back in a months time to see if the meds are helping or not. Also to discuss the way forward. I pray these meds help me, not just with my anxiety but for my attention disorder to.
Lately I find myself to have a best friend called jackie! She’s a dog, breed: jack russel. Cute brown and white dog and so small that you can easily carry her. She’s not my dog but my opposite neighbours. She’s in and out my house most of the time with a small hole in the fence she made. I honestly don’t mind either do my parents. They have also taken a liking to her.
Anyway as for my blog title. Well guess I lately I don’t see my friend as much as I’d like. I understand some of them are busy with work and wives or girl friends and other don’t even reply to a text which is frustrating. This has left me feeling kinda alone.
When I had my own dogs they used to keep me so busy. I still miss them. They where my best friends even back then. Now that they gone and no friends in sight. I’m grateful my neighbours dog “jackie” visits so often. She helps make time go by. She’s not your ordinary jack russel. Honestly she can play and play and won’t be tired but I’d be completely drained. I had to make toys for her since she likes to bite things. Like my mom’s duster, my sandals, one old rope etc.
Jackie has become a part of my life and my family now. In fact she loves my dad more than anyone. I’m just kinda afraid I don’t have to go through such a loss like I did with my own dogs. I barely recovered from that. I know I have a lot of love to give even if she isn’t my dog.