Last night’s Graphic design and novel conference was awesome

Standard

Hi bloggersphere finally I have some good news to post. Before I get to last night’s design event I must tell you how I got invited to such an event. A while back I saw a graphic designer in the paper and she suffers with anxiety like I do and even lives in the same town that I live in. I had to friend her on Facebook and tell her how much her story inspired me. After that we gotten a bit closer.  She even gave me advice on how I should improve as a graphic designer. Anyway last week she inboxed me and invited for last night’s event.

I was so nervous going alone and very anxious to talk to anyone since everyone else came in groups. Sure at first I had my doubts for coming at 1st since I was alone. I tried to make conversation with some designers and they where uptight and wanted to only talk with the people and group they came with. Anyway later on I started a conversation with the guys sitting in front on me and they where cool. One of them a writer and the other a comic book artist. So I asked them they if they did any comic book drawing like anime style. So he asked me if I was into anime and from there on we basically became friends and had stuff in common.

Points I took to heart from the speakers as a graphic designer.

1) Experiment at first what design or art form you like to do. Example digital painting art or vector art designs and then the one you feel most comfortable doing, stick with it and master it.

2) doesn’t matter if your work sucks. If your a writer or designer.  Keep doing it till you get an audience that will help you improve and know who to write and design for.

3) keep putting your work out there.  Day in and day out on your social media. Don’t be afraid.  You never know where your next job or client could come from. Become your biggest fan slash brand and portray your skill on your social accounts so people know exactly what you do.

Anyway after the event finish people where told to go the table and collaborate with artists in trying to draw a comic. It was fun. Something I’ve never done before.  Also before I left I made sure to greet the girl who invited me for the event. Since I never met her in person it was a huge honour. She said she wasn’t sure if it was me until I introduced myself.  She didn’t want to say anything in case it was the wrong person. Anyway she was so glad I came and told her how much it meant to me that she thought of inviting me and how much I admired her work as a graphic designer. So this morning she inboxed me on Facebook thanking me and told me how much it meant that I came to the event. Guess it was a great way to start today.  🙂 

image

image

image

image

Finding my place in this world!

Standard

Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.

Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.

I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.

Am I losing my mind? because I’m Hallucinating

Standard

Just the other night I had a dream my mom was calling me and so I woke up because I heard her. So I went to see why she’s calling me. When went to see where she is, she sleeping. But I swore I heard her voicing calling me. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or I’m losing my mind.

Again last night I woke up middle of the night and heard the kitchen tap running so I went in the kitchen and it stopped. I looked in the lounge looked like my mom standing by the certain so I’m asking her why you up so late and she didn’t answer me. When I put the light on. Nobody was there. Honest to God I don’t what’s going on with me. I need to see my therapist soon but hope he doesn’t commit me to an mental institution. Had a dream about that to not long ago. So yeah I’m a little terrified.

The gift of christmas

Standard

This time of year everyone has a lot going on. High expectations. This year I really began to think about the meaning of christmas. As a Christian I owed it to myself and God! The realised that hit me even though obvious to others. God came or was born into this word to give us hope.

I wasn’t sure if this christmas was gonna be worth celebrating. Since last years one was a bit depressing. So I didn’t think about that this time and allowed the day to play out. It turned out to be an awesome christmas with family. Spending the day together. Since we hardly often spend quality time together. For the first time I felt like I’ve let go and enjoyed being in the present moment with family and had a really good time. Why I say that because for someone like me with an anxiety disorder that is difficult.

I think I slept like a baby last night. Both physical and mentally christmas was fulfilling. Spending time with my sister and niece, and later brother and his children. I think that happiness effected me in a more positive way than I thought. My heart is so happy to had such a wonderful christmas.

I know this post is a day late but I want to wish you my blog family a very merry christmas.

Afraid of the future

Standard

Hi everyone I know it’s been a while. Recently I’ve finished with group therapy which was a new experience but I still prefer individual therapy. Also the psychologists are now closed for this year and will only startup in January again. To be honest in therapy I feel safe like everything gonna be okay but once I leave to go home everything becomes real again and I’m terrified again.

Right now my main concern now is my future. My current job has just ended and I’m living off my parents who aren’t working.  They only collect pension which isn’t even much.  If anything where to happen to any of them I’d be devastated both emotionally and financially.  With my anxiety is on over drive again. I don’t even know if I’ll be even able to hold down a job.

To be honest I feel guilty because remember when my dad was working he used to go to work everyday to a job he hated just to provide for me and my family. I can never be able to express to my dad how grateful I am for what his done for me. I want to be positive but reality tells me otherwise. I spend so much wondering what if this and what if that. 

That’s why I feel so guilty because I should be taking care of mom and dad,  not them taking care of me.  I still ask God this question! Why was I even born,  I can’t do anything with my life,  my anxiety makes me feel useless, clumsy and like can’t do anything right.

Also the news shows us how bad the economy is, how jobs are hard to come by. So that doesn’t exactly give me any hope. 

I’m scared I’m gonna be alone someday maybe even like a Berger, because how much can you rely on family and you don’t want to burden anyone either.  Life is also so expensive.  So yes I’m terrified my future is so uncertain.  I’m writing this post openly and honestly so you know how I’m really feeling. 

To be honest I don’t wanna be poor but I want to be successful not for fame or money but so I can use my influence and power to help people.  Guess fear keeps me up at night telling me why it’s never gonna happen.

So lately I’ve began praying to God about my anxiety,  for my family and life in general.  That God will guide us.  Right now God is my only hope.  Sometimes you just have to believe in that higher power.  As a Christian I don’t have much faith because of my anxiety. But despite it I still do my best to try to be faithful. So why has this post gotten religious all of a sudden you maybe thinking.  Well like I said earlier I’m terrified of what might happen in my future. Trusting in God gives me some kind of peace knowing his in control.

Anyway thank you for reading my blog.  I never intended it to become about anxiety or mental health but it seems that’s where my life is at these days.

Pressure at work as a graphic designer

Standard

Hey guys it seems I’m kinda employed again aside from my freelance graphic design. Earlier this week I’ve gotten an email from my former work place asking me to help them with some edits,  mostly to do with a huge size poster to be edited and modified also ready for print. Guess they only called because the book project of the company got invited for an arts festival.  So now they only need me because they need posters done to represent them at that festival.

Yesterday I went to discuss how much I’m gonna get paid first before starting work. So I’m not ripped off. Unfortunately I also started yesterday with lots of edits to an existing poster I originally designed. It was taking forever to edit.  Since the poster is 2 meters by 850mm which is a massive size.  The computer takes a long time to render each change. Especially when you saving it after every edit.  Because of the the pressure and deadline was end of yesterday. I had to design things any how! A rush job and not implement and creative changes. It was so frustrating. Sometimes the computer would take 10 to 20 minutes frozen, waiting.

Even after I knocked off work. I felt unsatisfied with the work I’ve done. It sucks being under pressure. When I got home I received more emails from work needing help to add changes.  That was so ridiculous.  It’s like teaching a graphic design crash course in 5 minutes. Again this morning worked phoned me. Asking how to do changes I did my best to explain and hoped to it worked out because today they knew I was unavailable. They don’t know why but so you know it was because I had group therapy and I’m not gonna sacrifice myself improvement for anything.

Group therapy was a different experience

Standard

Today was a new experience for me.  It’s only been 3 session now that I’m seeing a psychologist. This week Tuesday I saw my psychologist, he recommended I try group therapy because It will help me get out of my shell and improve some self confidence.  So I signed up.  Today was our first session.

In truth I was so anxious the whole day before my group session.  Felt like I wanted to puke.  Also wondering who are these people.  What are they gonna think of me.  What if I make a fool of myself.  But later on I did learn that it was a safe space so even if I did make a fool of myself.  Everyone there is there to support and point me in the right direction.

Of course it wasn’t a regular group session. The theme was the here and now. We all in the group had to choose a goal that we would be witness to improvements of each others goals.  My goal is to speak with confidence and have a more of a confident presence.  Why? cause when it was my turn to talk.  I froze words wouldn’t even come out of my mouth.  I had to take a second to breathe deeply and dig deep to find any words I could. To say what I meant.  Which didn’t go well at first because I stuttered at first but eventually managed saying my piece.

It was nice though to connect with people in a similar situation.  I met amazing people today who just need a little help like myself in life.  I was glad to go through today’s experience.  As hard as it was facing my issues with a bunch of strangers.  Looking forward to next week’s session.