Today I woke up about half past five this morning to go to the hospital to see the psychiatric doctor. The worst thing about going to a government hospital is the long lines in front of you. It’s why I had to wake up so early to beat the crowd so I can get a good spot in the line to see the psych doctor.
Minutes felt like hours for someone suffering with an anxiety disorder. It was frustrating the line hasn’t moved in an hour. These nurse not even doing anything. People in my line complained to the hospital staff and replied go relax and wait. So rude.
Anyway finally I got my file and there after had to go wait in yet again in another line for the doctor. In my mind I’m thinking when is this day gonna end. I rather die than sit another minute. Eventually I made some conversation with some people and an interesting topic came up. Lady whose also Christian not judging mental illness but talking to me about it the right way. Where that even though I’m seeking help, that I should still pray and trust God. Sometimes God has his ways of helping us. Weather through miracles or doctors. Cause in the past I’ve been judge by fellow Christians for having anxiety like an evil spirit. Now I know not all Christians are close minded. Then finally after hours of waiting it was my turn to see the doctor.
We discussed my process and set backs and also that my clinic has prescribed me wrong medication all this time. So the doctor had to write me a new script to collect new medication for my anxiety and must try it for the next month and come back in a months time to see if the meds are helping or not. Also to discuss the way forward. I pray these meds help me, not just with my anxiety but for my attention disorder to.
Lately I find myself to have a best friend called jackie! She’s a dog, breed: jack russel. Cute brown and white dog and so small that you can easily carry her. She’s not my dog but my opposite neighbours. She’s in and out my house most of the time with a small hole in the fence she made. I honestly don’t mind either do my parents. They have also taken a liking to her.
Anyway as for my blog title. Well guess I lately I don’t see my friend as much as I’d like. I understand some of them are busy with work and wives or girl friends and other don’t even reply to a text which is frustrating. This has left me feeling kinda alone.
When I had my own dogs they used to keep me so busy. I still miss them. They where my best friends even back then. Now that they gone and no friends in sight. I’m grateful my neighbours dog “jackie” visits so often. She helps make time go by. She’s not your ordinary jack russel. Honestly she can play and play and won’t be tired but I’d be completely drained. I had to make toys for her since she likes to bite things. Like my mom’s duster, my sandals, one old rope etc.
Jackie has become a part of my life and my family now. In fact she loves my dad more than anyone. I’m just kinda afraid I don’t have to go through such a loss like I did with my own dogs. I barely recovered from that. I know I have a lot of love to give even if she isn’t my dog.
Lately I found myself thinking a lot about the type of graphic designer I want to be. I mean everyone now days knows how to usephotoshop and add a few text and effects and you got a poster! But with illustration it starts from scratch and the design is what ever you want it to be. 100 per cent your creation. Of course there are people who actually do know what they doing in photoshop as graphic designers that I admire. But this is just me choosing a different path.
Besides being an illustrator would also be something of a childhood dream of mine come true. As a kid I always love to draw my cartoon characters. Even though I’m a crappy artist software like photoshop and illustrator help you improve with lots of practice.
For the last few months I have been practising a lot and my drawing are less bad than before. Small improvement I guess. I do feel like a
kid again taking this direction in design. I guess after going for that design conference last month helped me come to the decision of being an illustrator. Meeting my local hero and artist telling me I can do it. Who wouldn’t feel inspired by that.
Anyway its just what I’ve been thinking about lately and since I
haven’t blogged as much I should I thought I was about time to write a
post. Besides I’m working on starting a graphic design blog soon. Getting a name for it is usually the hardest part. I’ve learnt a lot in the last few years and I’d love to give back and share my experiences.
Have an awesome weekend my blog family and here’s some simple work I’ve done recently 🙂
Hi bloggersphere finally I have some good news to post. Before I get to last night’s design event I must tell you how I got invited to such an event. A while back I saw a graphic designer in the paper and she suffers with anxiety like I do and even lives in the same town that I live in. I had to friend her on Facebook and tell her how much her story inspired me. After that we gotten a bit closer. She even gave me advice on how I should improve as a graphic designer. Anyway last week she inboxed me and invited for last night’s event.
I was so nervous going alone and very anxious to talk to anyone since everyone else came in groups. Sure at first I had my doubts for coming at 1st since I was alone. I tried to make conversation with some designers and they where uptight and wanted to only talk with the people and group they came with. Anyway later on I started a conversation with the guys sitting in front on me and they where cool. One of them a writer and the other a comic book artist. So I asked them they if they did any comic book drawing like anime style. So he asked me if I was into anime and from there on we basically became friends and had stuff in common.
Points I took to heart from the speakers as a graphic designer.
1) Experiment at first what design or art form you like to do. Example digital painting art or vector art designs and then the one you feel most comfortable doing, stick with it and master it.
2) doesn’t matter if your work sucks. If your a writer or designer. Keep doing it till you get an audience that will help you improve and know who to write and design for.
3) keep putting your work out there. Day in and day out on your social media. Don’t be afraid. You never know where your next job or client could come from. Become your biggest fan slash brand and portray your skill on your social accounts so people know exactly what you do.
Anyway after the event finish people where told to go the table and collaborate with artists in trying to draw a comic. It was fun. Something I’ve never done before. Also before I left I made sure to greet the girl who invited me for the event. Since I never met her in person it was a huge honour. She said she wasn’t sure if it was me until I introduced myself. She didn’t want to say anything in case it was the wrong person. Anyway she was so glad I came and told her how much it meant to me that she thought of inviting me and how much I admired her work as a graphic designer. So this morning she inboxed me on Facebook thanking me and told me how much it meant that I came to the event. Guess it was a great way to start today. 🙂
Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.
Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.
I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.
Just the other night I had a dream my mom was calling me and so I woke up because I heard her. So I went to see why she’s calling me. When went to see where she is, she sleeping. But I swore I heard her voicing calling me. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or I’m losing my mind.
Again last night I woke up middle of the night and heard the kitchen tap running so I went in the kitchen and it stopped. I looked in the lounge looked like my mom standing by the certain so I’m asking her why you up so late and she didn’t answer me. When I put the light on. Nobody was there. Honest to God I don’t what’s going on with me. I need to see my therapist soon but hope he doesn’t commit me to an mental institution. Had a dream about that to not long ago. So yeah I’m a little terrified.
This time of year everyone has a lot going on. High expectations. This year I really began to think about the meaning of christmas. As a Christian I owed it to myself and God! The realised that hit me even though obvious to others. God came or was born into this word to give us hope.
I wasn’t sure if this christmas was gonna be worth celebrating. Since last years one was a bit depressing. So I didn’t think about that this time and allowed the day to play out. It turned out to be an awesome christmas with family. Spending the day together. Since we hardly often spend quality time together. For the first time I felt like I’ve let go and enjoyed being in the present moment with family and had a really good time. Why I say that because for someone like me with an anxiety disorder that is difficult.
I think I slept like a baby last night. Both physical and mentally christmas was fulfilling. Spending time with my sister and niece, and later brother and his children. I think that happiness effected me in a more positive way than I thought. My heart is so happy to had such a wonderful christmas.
I know this post is a day late but I want to wish you my blog family a very merry christmas.