Human contact!

Standard

Hey its me sorry for the late post. Its been a hectic past 2 weeks with work and my birthday. Oh yeah I turned 32 on the 11th november. I don’t feel any older though. Work been crazy I think I pull off the impossible there meeting deadlines. Anyway lately I’ve been yearning for human contact! Ever since I been going for therapy and group therapy. I feel like I re integrated myself back into the real world. Because before my social anxiety was very bad and thanks to therapy. I feel more confidence being around people.

The problem now is? There isn’t any people around to socialise with or go out with. My friends are to busy with their own lives which I get. Also everything is instant messengers and social media when it comes to conversations with friends, so we don’t have to meet. That part sucks the most. Yes social media and IM+ where cool when they first came out. Now they just limit more human contact. This frustrates me and makes me feel lonely.

I can’t remember the last time I went out or saw a movie with friends or family. Mostly me and my friends download movies and series and just watch them but ourselves. Yes again life is starting to feel kinda lonely. I know most people would say get a girl friend but I don’t think one person gonna solve my yearning for socialising. Lucky though I have group therapy for the next 2 weeks. So hopefully things will get better from there.

The wall before me!

Standard

Hi my blog family I’m sure you guessed from my title of this post. You know I’m talking about the challenges I’m facing in my life right now and I thought a wall would be the best way to describe my situation. This huge wall is blocking my way to success. On this wall is engraved things such as “lack of confidence, fear of failure, anxiety, depression, loneliness, it will never work out, you not good enough”.

You could say I’m unemployed as of this month. So I feel stuck. Especially when you lose that stability of having a job and the world becomes a more scarier place. Jobs are hard to come by and I’m looking at my options they aren’t good. Even if I got a job my anxiety is so bad and learning something new will make me fall apart, get fired on the job and fall into a deep depression.

I’ve been reading online of alternative ways of making money! Its not my style making passive income but its seems worth a try. Selling graphics online. I’m not looking to get rich quick but I am looking to work hard so I make a fair amount of money and feel like I’ve accomplished something.

That aside I haven’t found a single shred of inspiration to design anything lately. I’ve been in this depressed slump. I know there are few people who believes in me and I want to meet their expectations but its so hard just getting started. Monday I was so messed up mentally I was in bed 80% of the day. Then a old childhood friend whatsapp me telling she was thinking of me and wanted to know how I was feeling. I told her everything and she really encouraged me showing there is hope. She even called me and prayed with me which was great because I’ve never had much support in my life.

Also my friend Zak is always there for me giving me advice when we have our mastermind sessions. I’m not sure how to face this wall before me. I’m sure many of you go through something similar. Love to hear how some of you overcame your problems. As for me right now I’m just going to try something new and see how it works out.

Is it time to think about marriage?

Standard

Hey its me again and yesterday I had an interesting conversation with my co-worker. She mentioned something about marriage and that I shouldn’t wait to long. Because our parents won’t be around forever. Surprisingly what she said kinda woke me up to reality that I’ve been ignoring for to long.

The thought of not having my parents around is something I could never imagine. It made me think! The problem is, I like being single and so set in those ways. Also focusing only on my work right now. Still what she said really got to me. I mean I’m 31 and going to be 32 in November. So I am getting old. Who would take care of me if my parents weren’t around? I mean I don’t want to be a burden to my sister and my brothers well they don’t even visit these days. So should I start looking for a wife? Where do I start. Will I? make a good husband.

I haven’t dated in a while not seriously anyway. Where do I start finding someone that interests me and doing the same for them. Just feels like I have become more responsible these days and that’s so not me. I’m so used to my parents making all those decisions. So life is feeling a lot more real to me these days and that’s scary.

Getting lonelier with age!

Standard

Today as I woke up listening to a song.  I became quite emotional.  Basically I started to feel lonely. As the days, months and years are going by I’m seeing friends and family less and lesser. I can’t describe this feeling of loneliness.  It makes me feel sick and empty at times.

I wish i could turn back time.  The days when life was less complicated. No responsibilities.  Just going out and having fun. Unfortunately we can’t go back to those days.  Friends have kids others getting engaged.  Their lives are busy.  I’m happy for them,  they my friend.  I just miss them.

As for family.  My brother can’t visit us his wife hates our family and won’t let him visit us.  My sister lives a bit far off so I see her at church or special occasions like birthdays etc.  Still even when we do get together the family!  We couldn’t be further apart.  Everyone’s on their phones chatting to someone else. That’s why I miss my dogs so much because when nobody was around they was always there for me.  Now that they gone I’m still heart broken over it.  What must I do life must go on. 

The worst part of my life I’m the single guy in bunch of friends.  Haven’t been in love since high school.  How lame is that.  I just think with age comes loneliness. Guess I was feeling more lonely that I realized writing this post.

Anxiety and depression comes back

Standard

Hi have you ever felt, when will this phase of our lives is gonna end.  My anxiety and depression got triggered recently and I don’t know why.  I couldn’t barely work or focus.  I want to stay in bed all the time.  Feeling extremely tired and lazy.

I honestly felt like committing suicide recently.  These feelings of what’s the point of living.  Because I don’t even know why I’m waking up in the morning.  A girl I went on a date with.  Pointed out that I lacked emotion.  She was right.  Its seems I’m having a hard time opening up and letting myself feel.  Guess after my dogs died.  I was so heart broken.  I closed my heart off subconsciously so i wouldn’t feel that way again.

Life is short I don’t want anxiety or depression to rob me of anymore time I have with everyone in my life. It’s true I’m scared of being left alone in this world.  Lately people have been dying and our family is getting smaller.  My parents getting older.  Guess thinking about these things makes me panic.  I maybe 31 but I’m a kid at heart I need my family.

I don’t know what to do but get high on antidepressants just so I can get through each day.

OMG! She asked me out

Standard

This past saturday i went out with my friends for supper.  As we was chatting at mc donalds we spoke about, if we met anyone from our school days. My friend oyeshan said he had one of our class girls on whatsapp and sent her my number. She wasn’t sure who I was until she saw my profile pic.  We chatted on whatsapp till late that night.  Catching up.

Sunday we spent the day chatting a lot.  Sunday night is when she drop a bomb shell on me.  She said ‘ You also seem nice would you want date me for fun, nothing serious just as companion to go out with for fun :)’.

I was speechless but I did kinda agree to her terms.  The next day I ask for advice from a female co work about what i l should do.  Guess going out is great with a girl but I’d like to kiss and cuddle but that’s off the table since we going out as friend’s.  So I don’t know weather or not to pursue her because i don’t want to hurt her or be hurt.  I guess we should be friends instead of dating as friends.

It feels like betrayal! If I did get a new dog!

Standard

Lately I’ve been lonely. Got out of a relationship that didn’t last because she didn’t no time for me, but time for strangers to tweet all day. I wasn’t never this lonely. When my dogs was alive they would keep me company. They made me happy and was my reason for living. After they passed away, I feel like an empty shell going from 1 day to another. People say I should consider getting another dog!

I’ve also considered that possibility, but it just feels wrong to me to replace my previous dogs with a new one. My dogs ‘Brandy and King’ where unique. They understood me. They personality made them who they where. Most of all losing them was the hardest part so even if I did get another dog. I can’t go through that again. Losing something I love. It almost killed me the last time with depression and anxiety.

Still I miss having a dog to love and being loved. I guess the thing I miss the most is after having supper I’d go outside and play with them till they satisfied or sometimes I’d take them for a walk.

There’s no replacement for the dogs I had but for now my neighbour has a cute pitbull dog that I play with all the time. Its not the same as having my own dog but it helps sometimes when I’m lonely.