The gift of christmas

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This time of year everyone has a lot going on. High expectations. This year I really began to think about the meaning of christmas. As a Christian I owed it to myself and God! The realised that hit me even though obvious to others. God came or was born into this word to give us hope.

I wasn’t sure if this christmas was gonna be worth celebrating. Since last years one was a bit depressing. So I didn’t think about that this time and allowed the day to play out. It turned out to be an awesome christmas with family. Spending the day together. Since we hardly often spend quality time together. For the first time I felt like I’ve let go and enjoyed being in the present moment with family and had a really good time. Why I say that because for someone like me with an anxiety disorder that is difficult.

I think I slept like a baby last night. Both physical and mentally christmas was fulfilling. Spending time with my sister and niece, and later brother and his children. I think that happiness effected me in a more positive way than I thought. My heart is so happy to had such a wonderful christmas.

I know this post is a day late but I want to wish you my blog family a very merry christmas.

Is it time to think about marriage?

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Hey its me again and yesterday I had an interesting conversation with my co-worker. She mentioned something about marriage and that I shouldn’t wait to long. Because our parents won’t be around forever. Surprisingly what she said kinda woke me up to reality that I’ve been ignoring for to long.

The thought of not having my parents around is something I could never imagine. It made me think! The problem is, I like being single and so set in those ways. Also focusing only on my work right now. Still what she said really got to me. I mean I’m 31 and going to be 32 in November. So I am getting old. Who would take care of me if my parents weren’t around? I mean I don’t want to be a burden to my sister and my brothers well they don’t even visit these days. So should I start looking for a wife? Where do I start. Will I? make a good husband.

I haven’t dated in a while not seriously anyway. Where do I start finding someone that interests me and doing the same for them. Just feels like I have become more responsible these days and that’s so not me. I’m so used to my parents making all those decisions. So life is feeling a lot more real to me these days and that’s scary.

Anxiety and depression comes back

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Hi have you ever felt, when will this phase of our lives is gonna end.  My anxiety and depression got triggered recently and I don’t know why.  I couldn’t barely work or focus.  I want to stay in bed all the time.  Feeling extremely tired and lazy.

I honestly felt like committing suicide recently.  These feelings of what’s the point of living.  Because I don’t even know why I’m waking up in the morning.  A girl I went on a date with.  Pointed out that I lacked emotion.  She was right.  Its seems I’m having a hard time opening up and letting myself feel.  Guess after my dogs died.  I was so heart broken.  I closed my heart off subconsciously so i wouldn’t feel that way again.

Life is short I don’t want anxiety or depression to rob me of anymore time I have with everyone in my life. It’s true I’m scared of being left alone in this world.  Lately people have been dying and our family is getting smaller.  My parents getting older.  Guess thinking about these things makes me panic.  I maybe 31 but I’m a kid at heart I need my family.

I don’t know what to do but get high on antidepressants just so I can get through each day.

It isn’t Christmas with out the grinch

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Hi merry Christmas I know I’m kinda late wishing you my blogging family.  We’ll as my title says it isn’t Christmas with out a grinch trying to steal Christmas or ruin it.  In this chase my sister in law.

When it comes to birthdays,  celebrations or Christmas she always makes problems for my family.  She doesn’t even send my nieces to visit.  She really does hate us. I don’t really want to get into the details of what happened on Christmas but I am disheartened to see how my sister in law treats my brother so badly.  Sure he has his faults but what she’s doing is just plain evil.

When my sister in law makes problems she always phone my home and swears who ever answers the phone.  My brother can’t even visit us without her causing a scene. All I can say the grinch did steal Christmas for my family this year 😦

I got an offer for sex! Wtf

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Hi guess I can finally write about something interesting that happen in my life.  If you read my last post you would know I recently connected with a girl from my class in high school.  Its been 13 years since seeing each other.

We only met at least 2 times in person.  I honestly don’t know what I did to leave such an impression that she likes me so much.  So I been honest with her from the start that I just wanna be friends.  But every night since then she tells me how she feels an that she likes me.  Once again I been honest with her.  Still she ignores what I have to say.

Last night for me was the most craziest part.  But before we go to there. I’ve been nice with her but it didn’t work so i decided maybe I can turn her off by talking about sex but instead she offers me sex.  Even after I told her I couldn’t ask that of her. Then I asked her won’t you feel used if I had sex and leave you.  She said no!  We would still be friends.  I told her no still because I ‘m not that kind of person.  She told me before I went to sleep that the offer still stands I want to have sex with her.  Like wtf!!! I’m thinking in my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to do in situation.  I just can’t fuck a girl that I’m not attracted to both physically and personality wise if I’m not used to them or love them.  Any advice?  Anyone!

OMG! She asked me out

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This past saturday i went out with my friends for supper.  As we was chatting at mc donalds we spoke about, if we met anyone from our school days. My friend oyeshan said he had one of our class girls on whatsapp and sent her my number. She wasn’t sure who I was until she saw my profile pic.  We chatted on whatsapp till late that night.  Catching up.

Sunday we spent the day chatting a lot.  Sunday night is when she drop a bomb shell on me.  She said ‘ You also seem nice would you want date me for fun, nothing serious just as companion to go out with for fun :)’.

I was speechless but I did kinda agree to her terms.  The next day I ask for advice from a female co work about what i l should do.  Guess going out is great with a girl but I’d like to kiss and cuddle but that’s off the table since we going out as friend’s.  So I don’t know weather or not to pursue her because i don’t want to hurt her or be hurt.  I guess we should be friends instead of dating as friends.

The girl on the bus and I part ways

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After a lazy weekend I had to get myself together and be ready for work. So this morning I got on the bus, anxious about getting to work. About 10 minutes later a beautiful girl gets on the bus and sits in front of me.

My heart pounding and feeling nervous. I wanted to go say hi and sit down next to her but my legs or body wouldn’t move. I was afraid of being rejected. Still I looked at her from where I sitting,  where she was playing and stroking her long beautiful hair. I’m thinking in my head I want to talk to her but my courage is empty. Finally my stop comes and I had to get off without saying a word to her. Parting ways 😦

Hopefully I will see her again but not chickening out like a little bitch as my friends would say.