Hey its me it’s the first of march so fast. Decided to make some major decision starting with going off my anxiety medication. I just feel that I have taken them for so long and it hasn’t really changed my life in the way I hoped for. Maybe my expectation was to high on taking theses meds. I admit its been challenging to adapt. It’s been 6 days without meds and I am feeling a bit sick, uneasy on the stomach. On the good side I have been able to feel again and not so feeling so emotionally numb.
Only lately I’ve felt like the effects of my anxiety medication where hurting me. Sometimes when I woke up I would feel so groggy and like my brain had just taken a beating. Best sides I will still go for therapy and I’ve read many people have overcome anxiety without their meds. So these hope right!? Well my readers haven’t given up on me so there’s at least one reason not to give up. There where many times where I thought it’s time to stop this blog. Maybe no one even cares about what I’m writing about. So I been checking the wordpress stats and I have many readers. Even if there are no comments. I have an audience. Also I get 1 or 2 new followers every time I write a post. So you guys my readers have helped me kept me motivated enough to still continue my blog. So thank you.
I’ve tried green tea since I read a lot about how many good benefits it has. I haven’t felt those effects since been only a few days but I do hope it helps. Anyway just though I’d share my thoughts and what I’ve been through lately. Have an awesome weekend.
Hi its been a while it’s hard for me to be consistent to write blog posts and consistency is key for me to overcome my mental health disorder. I’ve been quite happy for a while then something usually comes and kills that joy. I’m sure many of you may of experienced that. Like yesterday there was an issue with my brother. His being controlled by his wife and not allowed to visit our family. His wife always causes a fight just usually before Christmas or one of our birthdays and today is my mom’s. Yesterday I was so upset because my brother hurt my mom and dad. It really upsetted me. Almost had a panic attack. Had to practice my breathing exercises to Calm myself down. In that moment I remembered something my therapist said. He said no point worrying about something you have no control over. The only thing you really do have control over is your actions.
I was gonna write a nasty post about my sis in law, about how evil she can be but I decided not to because I don’t wanna be like her. Even though I have no control over my brothers actions. It does worry me that he doesn’t visit us. Cause I don’t have much family. Most of them aren’t alive anymore. Only have 1 aunt an like 5 cousins which I hardly see. So yeah family for me is important. Cause it’s all you have left in the world that matters not money.
So after this upset it seems I deviated from my therapy advice and steps because my emotions took over. I think I need to put energy now into networking and connecting with the right people in life, building a better relationship with God. Also building my own confidence and making myself a successful graphic designer.
Also again its my mom’s birthday and want it to be special and not for anyone to spoil it. So looking forward to some birthday cake and sweet treats and just celebrating what is important. I know how much my mom and dad have done for me despite my conditions. So today I gonna choose to be happy.
You know that feeling when you hurting and angry with the world you just need to blame something for it. To get some kind of closure. Regardless, Closure isn’t gonna help my life. I’ve been thinking. If I knew I had anxiety back in school maybe I could of improved my focus and contrition to well. Get some kinda help back then, but instead I failed my matric because I sucked at Afrikaans and that failed me to. Due to that I believed I wasn’t smart enough and it echoed throughout my life. When ever things get to hard. That feeling and voice is telling me . You can’t do it . You’re not smart enough. Which builds up to being overwhelmed and panic. It’s how I often gotten panic attacks.
So lately I have been blaming a past I cannot change. How stupid of me right. Well that’s what anxiety does to you. It blinds you with one issue to avoid another. Now that I think about it anxiety is one devious disorder. So what’s my thought process Thanks to anxiety. Well I didn’t get my matric so gonna have a hard time getting a job and if I do get a job I’m not smart enough to hold on to it. How fucked up is that. It’s technically like a mental prison. I could go on and on about how bad anxiety has been to me but maybe in a book one day.
Count yourself lucky if you have a relationship. Working in a job regularly because some of us have a hard time doing what comes easy to others. I envy the average worker who goes to work everyday and think I wish I could do that because he or she is good as their job that they are doing it for years.
Life is complicated. We all want something someone else has. Maybe not their life but their live style environment. I wish I could offer more hope on my blog but this anxiety battle is an on of thing.
It’s weird feeling afraid and scared for no reason. Sometimes when I don’t get stuff done at home and if my mom or dad shouts at me about it. Then I spend so much time zoned out thinking about what my parents think of me. That I’m useless, a loser or even a burden. It’s hard to even say if it’s true, because my anxiety stretches the facts and it’s hard to tell truth from lies with an anxiety disorder.
Feeling are just misleading. Sometimes I just feel like my parents are angry at me for not working or even for having an anxiety disorder. These feeling then turn to feeling of hatred to myself. Then thoughts of suicide begin to creep in. Then you wish where dead. These feelings of anxiety is overwhelming me. Also because I don’t have my meds this month that I’m feeling so depressed and more overwhelmed than usual. Apparently the nurse at the clinic messed up my order for my medication and have to wait another month for it.
It’s been like 2 months now I haven’t gone for therapy and I feel so lost. In my therapy session I feel that sense of calm like it’s a safe place and I’m accepted and understood for my anxiety. Sadly because I’ve been become so sick with some kind of chest infection which I honestly thought it was bronchitis.
Therapy does help maybe not over night but it gives me some kind of direction that I should take instead of guessing how to move forward or procrastinating. Honestly I wish my parents would be more supportive about my anxiety they don’t really think much of it as a real problem. I feel alone at home. I’ve also feel like I’ve got no emoticons these days. The only thing I feel now is when fear or when anxiety comes over me.
How did I get here. If only I’ve caught on I’ve had anxiety from a young age maybe I would of been better by now. Still I’m working with therapy and most of all putting my faith in God so I can be cured of this anxiety.
I’m so tired of writing posts complaining how anxiety is screwing with my life. I want to be writing success posts but life won’t let me.
In truth I’m a slow learner. It’s hard for me to understand or comprehend things easily. Sometimes I feel so stupid. It’s probably why I can’t hold a job or cope. There are times where I just wanna be left alone till I die. I hate the person I’ve become. A person without emotion. Who doesn’t care about anything anymore just trying to get to the next day in peace. My mind is a living hell.
I’m hoping with therapy, prayer this year my life will turn around some how.
It’s weird people say think positive. When you finally do and get in gear to star tackling your goals! I end up getting very sick with flu, asthma and eventually bronchitis. Been sick for 3 weeks now. I even been to the doctors and the medication are all finished and flu has still not left me. I’m starting to think maybe it’s destiny that success isn’t for me. Every time I try to do something with my life, bad things happens to confirm that success isn’t for me. It just a thought for now.
I suppose to look for work this month and practice being confident but I ended up being sick. With my dad not working I really wanna try and do something now to help bring income to our home. Sadly I put my dreams of being a freelance graphic designer first and maybe it’s time to let that become a hobby than a dream so that I won’t lose it completely.
Lately I found myself depressed by going on Facebook. The truth is I am a little jealous when I see how much people got going on, in their lives compare to mine. I know I sound petty. Maybe anxiety is to blame or I want to blame anxiety. Facebook shows me beautiful women that I know I can’t have. So much temptation.
So Facebook has been bad for my mental health and so I decided to deactivate it. I t’s been a few days and honestly I’m feeling better. Maybe it was an addiction to see my Facebook posts how many likes and comments I would get that would determine my worth. Sounds stupid but it’s how I felt because I needed something to make me like I was important. That I mattered. Sometimes I would check my Facebook every 5 to 10 minutes.