You know that feeling when you hurting and angry with the world you just need to blame something for it. To get some kind of closure. Regardless, Closure isn’t gonna help my life. I’ve been thinking. If I knew I had anxiety back in school maybe I could of improved my focus and contrition to well. Get some kinda help back then, but instead I failed my matric because I sucked at Afrikaans and that failed me to. Due to that I believed I wasn’t smart enough and it echoed throughout my life. When ever things get to hard. That feeling and voice is telling me . You can’t do it . You’re not smart enough. Which builds up to being overwhelmed and panic. It’s how I often gotten panic attacks.
So lately I have been blaming a past I cannot change. How stupid of me right. Well that’s what anxiety does to you. It blinds you with one issue to avoid another. Now that I think about it anxiety is one devious disorder. So what’s my thought process Thanks to anxiety. Well I didn’t get my matric so gonna have a hard time getting a job and if I do get a job I’m not smart enough to hold on to it. How fucked up is that. It’s technically like a mental prison. I could go on and on about how bad anxiety has been to me but maybe in a book one day.
Count yourself lucky if you have a relationship. Working in a job regularly because some of us have a hard time doing what comes easy to others. I envy the average worker who goes to work everyday and think I wish I could do that because he or she is good as their job that they are doing it for years.
Life is complicated. We all want something someone else has. Maybe not their life but their live style environment. I wish I could offer more hope on my blog but this anxiety battle is an on of thing.
It’s weird feeling afraid and scared for no reason. Sometimes when I don’t get stuff done at home and if my mom or dad shouts at me about it. Then I spend so much time zoned out thinking about what my parents think of me. That I’m useless, a loser or even a burden. It’s hard to even say if it’s true, because my anxiety stretches the facts and it’s hard to tell truth from lies with an anxiety disorder.
Feeling are just misleading. Sometimes I just feel like my parents are angry at me for not working or even for having an anxiety disorder. These feeling then turn to feeling of hatred to myself. Then thoughts of suicide begin to creep in. Then you wish where dead. These feelings of anxiety is overwhelming me. Also because I don’t have my meds this month that I’m feeling so depressed and more overwhelmed than usual. Apparently the nurse at the clinic messed up my order for my medication and have to wait another month for it.
It’s been like 2 months now I haven’t gone for therapy and I feel so lost. In my therapy session I feel that sense of calm like it’s a safe place and I’m accepted and understood for my anxiety. Sadly because I’ve been become so sick with some kind of chest infection which I honestly thought it was bronchitis.
Therapy does help maybe not over night but it gives me some kind of direction that I should take instead of guessing how to move forward or procrastinating. Honestly I wish my parents would be more supportive about my anxiety they don’t really think much of it as a real problem. I feel alone at home. I’ve also feel like I’ve got no emoticons these days. The only thing I feel now is when fear or when anxiety comes over me.
How did I get here. If only I’ve caught on I’ve had anxiety from a young age maybe I would of been better by now. Still I’m working with therapy and most of all putting my faith in God so I can be cured of this anxiety.
I’m so tired of writing posts complaining how anxiety is screwing with my life. I want to be writing success posts but life won’t let me.
In truth I’m a slow learner. It’s hard for me to understand or comprehend things easily. Sometimes I feel so stupid. It’s probably why I can’t hold a job or cope. There are times where I just wanna be left alone till I die. I hate the person I’ve become. A person without emotion. Who doesn’t care about anything anymore just trying to get to the next day in peace. My mind is a living hell.
I’m hoping with therapy, prayer this year my life will turn around some how.
It’s weird people say think positive. When you finally do and get in gear to star tackling your goals! I end up getting very sick with flu, asthma and eventually bronchitis. Been sick for 3 weeks now. I even been to the doctors and the medication are all finished and flu has still not left me. I’m starting to think maybe it’s destiny that success isn’t for me. Every time I try to do something with my life, bad things happens to confirm that success isn’t for me. It just a thought for now.
I suppose to look for work this month and practice being confident but I ended up being sick. With my dad not working I really wanna try and do something now to help bring income to our home. Sadly I put my dreams of being a freelance graphic designer first and maybe it’s time to let that become a hobby than a dream so that I won’t lose it completely.
Lately I found myself depressed by going on Facebook. The truth is I am a little jealous when I see how much people got going on, in their lives compare to mine. I know I sound petty. Maybe anxiety is to blame or I want to blame anxiety. Facebook shows me beautiful women that I know I can’t have. So much temptation.
So Facebook has been bad for my mental health and so I decided to deactivate it. I t’s been a few days and honestly I’m feeling better. Maybe it was an addiction to see my Facebook posts how many likes and comments I would get that would determine my worth. Sounds stupid but it’s how I felt because I needed something to make me like I was important. That I mattered. Sometimes I would check my Facebook every 5 to 10 minutes.
Today I woke up about half past five this morning to go to the hospital to see the psychiatric doctor. The worst thing about going to a government hospital is the long lines in front of you. It’s why I had to wake up so early to beat the crowd so I can get a good spot in the line to see the psych doctor.
Minutes felt like hours for someone suffering with an anxiety disorder. It was frustrating the line hasn’t moved in an hour. These nurse not even doing anything. People in my line complained to the hospital staff and replied go relax and wait. So rude.
Anyway finally I got my file and there after had to go wait in yet again in another line for the doctor. In my mind I’m thinking when is this day gonna end. I rather die than sit another minute. Eventually I made some conversation with some people and an interesting topic came up. Lady whose also Christian not judging mental illness but talking to me about it the right way. Where that even though I’m seeking help, that I should still pray and trust God. Sometimes God has his ways of helping us. Weather through miracles or doctors. Cause in the past I’ve been judge by fellow Christians for having anxiety like an evil spirit. Now I know not all Christians are close minded. Then finally after hours of waiting it was my turn to see the doctor.
We discussed my process and set backs and also that my clinic has prescribed me wrong medication all this time. So the doctor had to write me a new script to collect new medication for my anxiety and must try it for the next month and come back in a months time to see if the meds are helping or not. Also to discuss the way forward. I pray these meds help me, not just with my anxiety but for my attention disorder to.
Just the other night I had a dream my mom was calling me and so I woke up because I heard her. So I went to see why she’s calling me. When went to see where she is, she sleeping. But I swore I heard her voicing calling me. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or I’m losing my mind.
Again last night I woke up middle of the night and heard the kitchen tap running so I went in the kitchen and it stopped. I looked in the lounge looked like my mom standing by the certain so I’m asking her why you up so late and she didn’t answer me. When I put the light on. Nobody was there. Honest to God I don’t what’s going on with me. I need to see my therapist soon but hope he doesn’t commit me to an mental institution. Had a dream about that to not long ago. So yeah I’m a little terrified.