New anxiety medication! Prescribed

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Today I woke up about half past five this morning to go to the hospital to see the psychiatric doctor.  The worst thing about going to a government hospital is the long lines in front of you.  It’s why I had to wake up so early to beat the crowd so I can get a good spot in the line to see the psych doctor. 

Minutes felt like hours for someone suffering with an anxiety disorder.  It was frustrating the line hasn’t moved in an hour.  These nurse not even doing anything. People in my line complained to the hospital staff and replied go relax and wait.  So rude.

Anyway finally I got my file and there after had to go wait in yet again in another line for the doctor. In my mind I’m thinking when is this day gonna end.  I rather die than sit another minute.  Eventually I made some conversation with some people and an interesting topic came up.  Lady whose also Christian not judging mental illness but talking to me about it the right way.  Where that even though I’m seeking help,  that I should still pray and trust God.  Sometimes God has his ways of helping us.  Weather through miracles or doctors.  Cause in the past I’ve been judge by fellow Christians for having anxiety like an evil spirit. Now I know not all Christians are close minded. Then finally after hours of waiting it was my turn to see the doctor.

We discussed my process and set backs and also that my clinic has prescribed me wrong medication all this time.  So the doctor had to write me a new script to collect new medication for my anxiety and must try it for the next month and come back in a months time to see if the meds are helping or not.  Also to discuss the way forward.  I pray these meds help me, not just with my anxiety but for my attention disorder to.

Am I losing my mind? because I’m Hallucinating

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Just the other night I had a dream my mom was calling me and so I woke up because I heard her. So I went to see why she’s calling me. When went to see where she is, she sleeping. But I swore I heard her voicing calling me. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or I’m losing my mind.

Again last night I woke up middle of the night and heard the kitchen tap running so I went in the kitchen and it stopped. I looked in the lounge looked like my mom standing by the certain so I’m asking her why you up so late and she didn’t answer me. When I put the light on. Nobody was there. Honest to God I don’t what’s going on with me. I need to see my therapist soon but hope he doesn’t commit me to an mental institution. Had a dream about that to not long ago. So yeah I’m a little terrified.

Afraid of the future

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Hi everyone I know it’s been a while. Recently I’ve finished with group therapy which was a new experience but I still prefer individual therapy. Also the psychologists are now closed for this year and will only startup in January again. To be honest in therapy I feel safe like everything gonna be okay but once I leave to go home everything becomes real again and I’m terrified again.

Right now my main concern now is my future. My current job has just ended and I’m living off my parents who aren’t working.  They only collect pension which isn’t even much.  If anything where to happen to any of them I’d be devastated both emotionally and financially.  With my anxiety is on over drive again. I don’t even know if I’ll be even able to hold down a job.

To be honest I feel guilty because remember when my dad was working he used to go to work everyday to a job he hated just to provide for me and my family. I can never be able to express to my dad how grateful I am for what his done for me. I want to be positive but reality tells me otherwise. I spend so much wondering what if this and what if that. 

That’s why I feel so guilty because I should be taking care of mom and dad,  not them taking care of me.  I still ask God this question! Why was I even born,  I can’t do anything with my life,  my anxiety makes me feel useless, clumsy and like can’t do anything right.

Also the news shows us how bad the economy is, how jobs are hard to come by. So that doesn’t exactly give me any hope. 

I’m scared I’m gonna be alone someday maybe even like a Berger, because how much can you rely on family and you don’t want to burden anyone either.  Life is also so expensive.  So yes I’m terrified my future is so uncertain.  I’m writing this post openly and honestly so you know how I’m really feeling. 

To be honest I don’t wanna be poor but I want to be successful not for fame or money but so I can use my influence and power to help people.  Guess fear keeps me up at night telling me why it’s never gonna happen.

So lately I’ve began praying to God about my anxiety,  for my family and life in general.  That God will guide us.  Right now God is my only hope.  Sometimes you just have to believe in that higher power.  As a Christian I don’t have much faith because of my anxiety. But despite it I still do my best to try to be faithful. So why has this post gotten religious all of a sudden you maybe thinking.  Well like I said earlier I’m terrified of what might happen in my future. Trusting in God gives me some kind of peace knowing his in control.

Anyway thank you for reading my blog.  I never intended it to become about anxiety or mental health but it seems that’s where my life is at these days.

The thoughts of an anxious man!

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Hey guys I’m sure you noticed I haven’t blogged in a while. Truth is I’m having a hard time dealing with recently being unemployed! Also having a hard time gathering my thoughts. Right now my mind all over the place. Also I’m a little disappointed last month I went to the hospital and the doctor gave me a letter to go see a psychologist. Because my anxiety has gotten that bad.

The hospital suppose to call me regarding my appointment with the psychologist but they didn’t, so last week I went to the hospital and they told me that the doctor was on holiday and will come back next monday which is today and that the doctor will call me today, which they didn’t once again. But the nurse who helped me said if no one has phoned me on monday by 1 o clock I must phone her. She gave me her number.

I spent most of my monday anxious waiting for that call, with bad scenarios in my head that they forgot or something happen that they can’t see me. My stomach was in knots being so anxious. So I waited and no one called I’m so frustrated. I waited till 1:15pm to phone the hospital. When I finally got through the nurse who helped me answered and said the doctor/psychologist is in a meeting and she has given him the message and they will call me. Fuck I’m mad! Excuse my language. To be honest I thought I’d finally get my appointment when I called. I’m suffering so much and they don’t even care how I feel.

Anyway I thank God an hour later they called and made my appointment. I know therapy won’t cure me but its a step forward to getting over my anxiety. So I’m feeling a little relieved now.

Where did my emotions go?

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Hey guys I’m sorry about this I’m not in a good space lately. I’m feeling kinda drained out. I just don’t have the motivation or energy to do anything. I’m getting bored easily. I can’t sit still. It feels like I’m being pressured by my own mind. Over crowded with thoughts and makes me feel like I’m going insane. I don’t seem care about anything these days.

Can’t remember the last time I texted my friends without them texting me first. I’ve become so antisocial. I’m completely burnt out. All I want to do is sleep whole day and hope I wake up to a life where everything feels good. I don’t really know what caused me to fall back into depression but all I know is! I need to get a way from my job, home and just go on a holiday where I don’t have to think about anything.

Its feels I just wanna die right now! Crazy I know! This is kinda of an out bust but writing how I’m feeling when I’m feeling that way helps say the truth. Maybe I will get over this or maybe I won’t. Clearly I’m having a break down or some sort. Guess I’m saying is. Be patient with me.

I have ADHD? I feel stupid…

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Yesterday morning you won’t believe the mental break down I had! Why? ADHD happen! Been having trouble sleeping and my job as a graphic designer is stressing me out. My mind won’t work, can’t think of ideas, its like my brain is blank and I’m slow to learn anything. I feel rather dumb at times.

Yes its embarrassing for me to say that but I’m struggling to the point I want to give up on life! Because If I can’t do anything and my brain
can’t think. How am I suppose to live. I’m always anxious. Anxiety is killing me to. How does one live with this. I’m an emotional wreck. I had to write this and get it off my chest. We hide the truth so often about ourselves. Sometimes people need to know how hard it is to live with ADHD. We are not stupid. Just challenged.

Yesterday when I wrote more or less what I’ve said here on an ADHD facebook page. Therese Whitton is someone who comment and really inspired me by what she said her words I’d never forget. I made me want to believe myself

I quote and she said : I’m a graphic designer too and I know the feeling! At my previous job I was the only designer without a degree, and I was still learning every day. Constant anxiety and
depression spirals, crying in the bathroom, insomnia, snapped at coworkers, got reprimanded for facebooking…

it was a nightmare. Looking back I learnt a LOT during those few hellish years… an additional
programming language, getting comfortable with indesign and illustrator, how to delegate,
working in a team, and so much more. Each day of struggle and steep learning curves are going
to pay off a lot if you keep at it!

I ALWAYS felt like my mind was blank, but here’s the secret to design: no-one is completely original, EVERYONE gets ideas from
other people. Google examples, google design blogs, doodle on paper first, experiment.
Create a document with styles and colours thrown on just to test a look and feel (a style). Create mockups to test what the final product will look like. I now work freelance and so does my sister. She’s three years younger than me, and I’m still learning things from her. She has worked in more agency environments, somehow I always end up working for car parts companies!

You’ll be fine! The job stress can be SO tough, but you will grow more comfortable in time, always try to find an exciting angle, try to find the fun side…
Hope this helps a little.

After reading this I cried, not ever has anyone understood what I’m going through but Therese Whitton did. I was so blessed when she shared her advice. It gave me hope again.