Afraid of the future

Standard

Hi everyone I know it’s been a while. Recently I’ve finished with group therapy which was a new experience but I still prefer individual therapy. Also the psychologists are now closed for this year and will only startup in January again. To be honest in therapy I feel safe like everything gonna be okay but once I leave to go home everything becomes real again and I’m terrified again.

Right now my main concern now is my future. My current job has just ended and I’m living off my parents who aren’t working.  They only collect pension which isn’t even much.  If anything where to happen to any of them I’d be devastated both emotionally and financially.  With my anxiety is on over drive again. I don’t even know if I’ll be even able to hold down a job.

To be honest I feel guilty because remember when my dad was working he used to go to work everyday to a job he hated just to provide for me and my family. I can never be able to express to my dad how grateful I am for what his done for me. I want to be positive but reality tells me otherwise. I spend so much wondering what if this and what if that. 

That’s why I feel so guilty because I should be taking care of mom and dad,  not them taking care of me.  I still ask God this question! Why was I even born,  I can’t do anything with my life,  my anxiety makes me feel useless, clumsy and like can’t do anything right.

Also the news shows us how bad the economy is, how jobs are hard to come by. So that doesn’t exactly give me any hope. 

I’m scared I’m gonna be alone someday maybe even like a Berger, because how much can you rely on family and you don’t want to burden anyone either.  Life is also so expensive.  So yes I’m terrified my future is so uncertain.  I’m writing this post openly and honestly so you know how I’m really feeling. 

To be honest I don’t wanna be poor but I want to be successful not for fame or money but so I can use my influence and power to help people.  Guess fear keeps me up at night telling me why it’s never gonna happen.

So lately I’ve began praying to God about my anxiety,  for my family and life in general.  That God will guide us.  Right now God is my only hope.  Sometimes you just have to believe in that higher power.  As a Christian I don’t have much faith because of my anxiety. But despite it I still do my best to try to be faithful. So why has this post gotten religious all of a sudden you maybe thinking.  Well like I said earlier I’m terrified of what might happen in my future. Trusting in God gives me some kind of peace knowing his in control.

Anyway thank you for reading my blog.  I never intended it to become about anxiety or mental health but it seems that’s where my life is at these days.

Overwhelming choices

Standard

Life isn’t so easy when you trying to aim for your dreams. Lately I’ve been overwhelmed and doubting myself. Why? Over 5 years ago I got into graphic design using free software ‘gimp and inkscape’ but as of lately I’ve been working in the print design industry and I have to use photoshop and illustrator. This means its like starting from scratch learning new software and how this industry works.

Its bad enough I have anxiety but now I can’t sleep. All I’m thinking about is when will I’ll been done learning this software. I’m anxious everyday. Its eating me up. I’ve even given thought to giving up on graphic design.

Sure I’m working now but my job might soon come to an end. Sure its a great job but I always wanted to be my own boss someday. Sure it sounds great in theory but its easier said than done. I still haven’t settled on a design for my own business cards. I haven’t had the courage yet to call or make any communication with any printing company that I might use in the future to print my clients designs.

It feels like a pipe dream, I’m 31 and Starting over in graphic design, Which makes me a beginner again. So do I even stand a chance? To start my own business. Its killing me all these choices. If only I had someone to talk to. Someone to help me in my field. That would be amazing but life isn’t that easy right. I don’t have the connections or the resources.

Do I give up or keep trying….! Guess we will see in time.

The feeling of doubt creeping in!

Standard

Lately apart from my job as a graphic designer. I wanted to slowly build my own client base and work from home. Be my own boss. I’ve already started putting things together. My website I’m working on, business cards etc. Recently one of these days this strange feeling just hit me. The reality of what I’m doing. This feeling of doubt came over me. Like? Are you really going to start your own business. Thoughts like no way you can do it.

Continue reading