Finding my place in this world!

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Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.

Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.

I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.

Am I losing my mind? because I’m Hallucinating

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Just the other night I had a dream my mom was calling me and so I woke up because I heard her. So I went to see why she’s calling me. When went to see where she is, she sleeping. But I swore I heard her voicing calling me. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or I’m losing my mind.

Again last night I woke up middle of the night and heard the kitchen tap running so I went in the kitchen and it stopped. I looked in the lounge looked like my mom standing by the certain so I’m asking her why you up so late and she didn’t answer me. When I put the light on. Nobody was there. Honest to God I don’t what’s going on with me. I need to see my therapist soon but hope he doesn’t commit me to an mental institution. Had a dream about that to not long ago. So yeah I’m a little terrified.

The thoughts of an anxious man!

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Hey guys I’m sure you noticed I haven’t blogged in a while. Truth is I’m having a hard time dealing with recently being unemployed! Also having a hard time gathering my thoughts. Right now my mind all over the place. Also I’m a little disappointed last month I went to the hospital and the doctor gave me a letter to go see a psychologist. Because my anxiety has gotten that bad.

The hospital suppose to call me regarding my appointment with the psychologist but they didn’t, so last week I went to the hospital and they told me that the doctor was on holiday and will come back next monday which is today and that the doctor will call me today, which they didn’t once again. But the nurse who helped me said if no one has phoned me on monday by 1 o clock I must phone her. She gave me her number.

I spent most of my monday anxious waiting for that call, with bad scenarios in my head that they forgot or something happen that they can’t see me. My stomach was in knots being so anxious. So I waited and no one called I’m so frustrated. I waited till 1:15pm to phone the hospital. When I finally got through the nurse who helped me answered and said the doctor/psychologist is in a meeting and she has given him the message and they will call me. Fuck I’m mad! Excuse my language. To be honest I thought I’d finally get my appointment when I called. I’m suffering so much and they don’t even care how I feel.

Anyway I thank God an hour later they called and made my appointment. I know therapy won’t cure me but its a step forward to getting over my anxiety. So I’m feeling a little relieved now.

Is it back to the unemployment line?

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Lately I’ve been stressed because I haven’t been called into work because there isn’t much work to do. So last week tuesday I received an email from my manager saying they will call me in when the work is ready for me to do. I’m kinda anxious because, my dad is asking me all these questions when I’m going back to work etc. I can tell his worried weather this job is gonna last which also made me start to worry about the same thing.

To be honest it feel good that I had some stability this last year because this month is exactly a year I’ve been working at this company. Also now that I’m working I feel a little more confident in myself. Because when I was unemployed there where times I would lie and tell people I’m working from home just so I wouldn’t feel ashamed. Also now that I’m working my parents are proud of me and have respect for me. I remember the dark days of having them look down on me thinking I’m useless and lazy. I don’t ever want to go back there.

Besides being employed helps around the house. In terms of my dreams I haven’t taken any actions because I’m comfortable where I’m at. Besides writing this post I’ve been so depressed since this weekend been in my room and bed all day. I was trying to be positive and its not easy when you not motivated. I guess I blame myself for no being more prepared. I knew this job wouldn’t last forever but some how I forgotten that along the line or my mind is just over reacting.

Turning down a job offer!

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I’m sure a lot of people are thinking! Is he insane. Its a tough economy. ‘His turning down a job’. To be honest I’m going crazy thinking about it. Its a job I have no experience in, for the same amount pay at my current job. Only upside to the job they offer benefits and the job will be more permanent.

So why didn’t I take the job! Cause I’m a slower learner anything out of my depth causes me anxiety. My previous job I was asked why am I so stupid while having a panic attack. This was caused because I wasn’t learning the job fast enough. The unknown not having control makes me anxious building up anxiety.

If you judging me don’t! You don’t know what’s it’s like to live with a mental disability. Living in fear. Unable to trust your own thoughts or make a decision without feeling regret all the time. Its often why I had avoided working for a long time. I prefer working as a freelance graphic designer where I can work at my own pace, its what got me this job and also by the help of a friend.

Getting a new job is scary for me. Especially when I don’t know anything about it and have to magically learn it on the spot. I can’t do miracles. I wish I was a fast learner with a high self esteem but I’m not. Sometimes I wonder why I was made this way. Its really weird I think but!  I am who I am. 

2014 highlights and 2015 thoughts

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Twenty fourteen what a year. Im sure many of you would agree. If you been reading my blog you know my story. I suffered a loss of my dog ‘King’. Finally got help for my anxiety towards end of this year. Distanced myself from people who have had a negative impact on my life. Started a kids book company towards the end of this year also.

That pretty much sums up my 2014 year. Its been both good and bad but i suffered my greatest loss, losing my dog.

As for 2015 id love to work full time from home as an entrepreneur. It is my goal and my dream to work for myself. Hopefully my kids book company will take off this coming 2015.

Guess this new years eve I wont be making any new years resolutions. Besides no one really keeps them. Im just gonna work hard, pray, and believe 2015 is gonna be my year of success.

Finding motivation

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Do you ever like every day its a struggle. Practically hate your circumstances. Wish you had a better job, wish you was better looking, more talented or just something to make your life feel a lot better. I feel like that every day. Sadly I hate my life. I have no motivation to push me forward. Feels like I screwed up my last graphic design freelance opportunity.

Finding motivation to go on is hard. Sure I have some motivational sessions with my friend ‘Zak’. But what happens when I get home, I’m alone! No one but myself I have to rely on. Its scary. I’ve never been responsible. Pay the bills or going to work because I’m unemployed for so long. Also I stay with my parents.

I’m gonna be 30 soon in november and I’m overwhelmed because I’m having a hard time transitioning into an adult. I’m the guy who likes to sit and watch series, movies and anime. There was a time in my early twenties where I was ready to face life. Dream big. Until I got knocked down. Guess I haven’t really been able to recover since then. So I’ve been having issue with low self esteem, which led to me having anxiety and panic attacks which makes it hard for me to work or stay in a job.

All I know is! Despite my problems I need to become self motivated. I need to face life. Build my confidence and move forward or I am going to remain in the same place I’ve been in the last 4 years.

Well I’m writing this post because I want to push myself. Motivate myself and believe in myself again. Still I can’t shake this feeling of intimidation and unworthiness. I feel like I’m not good enough. No matter how hard I try! I screw up.

I don’t know how to motivate myself anymore but if there’s a way I will find it. All I want is a better life. To help my parents. Take my friends out for a movie and lunch. Motivate others with my success. Give hope to the hopeless. I want to do all this and more but how can I motivate others when I cannot even motivate myself?