I’ve been struggling

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Hi it’s your friendly neighborhood blogger spiderman just kidding. I know I haven’t been consistent lately with my blog Posts.  There’s a reason.  If you read my blog or stumbled upon it you will know I have an anxiety disorder. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed.  It’s takes a lot of effort to do the simplest of things like go outside,  take a walk,  visit a friend.  It feels uncomfortable to leave my room.  Even when my mom would clean my room I would get so angry because I just wanna go lay down on my bed and do nothing but think,  worry and over analyze things.

Been thinking of suicide lately,  that it is easier to skip the hard parts of my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with an anxiety life. I’m going for therapy but it’s to low progress if you ask me.  I’m impatient now.  I want a better life now. I want to be confident now. I want to be a talented, creative and successful graphic designer now.

I’ve been asking myself today why did I have to be born this way.  Why did God make me so weak. I just don’t understand.  Lately I just don’t care about things I loved like success,  social networking, girls, friends, family. It’s like I’m emotionally numb.  Guess being isolated in my room doesn’t make it any easier.

My Psychologist says I’m making progress but I don’t feel like it and he said things will get worst before they get better because my mind is used to being in a certain way and now I’m trying to change that.  So it’s putting up a fight that’s why I’m in the state I am right now.

Anyway I thought I’d just share something to prove I’m still alive.  Lol i know I suck at jokes.  If you reading this advice is welcome please thank you.

The gift of christmas

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This time of year everyone has a lot going on. High expectations. This year I really began to think about the meaning of christmas. As a Christian I owed it to myself and God! The realised that hit me even though obvious to others. God came or was born into this word to give us hope.

I wasn’t sure if this christmas was gonna be worth celebrating. Since last years one was a bit depressing. So I didn’t think about that this time and allowed the day to play out. It turned out to be an awesome christmas with family. Spending the day together. Since we hardly often spend quality time together. For the first time I felt like I’ve let go and enjoyed being in the present moment with family and had a really good time. Why I say that because for someone like me with an anxiety disorder that is difficult.

I think I slept like a baby last night. Both physical and mentally christmas was fulfilling. Spending time with my sister and niece, and later brother and his children. I think that happiness effected me in a more positive way than I thought. My heart is so happy to had such a wonderful christmas.

I know this post is a day late but I want to wish you my blog family a very merry christmas.

My Ideal life :)

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Today I was reading a post from a blog I follow. The post mentioned what is the ideal life you want to live! The truth is! I’ve been so caught up in my own world of ‘anxiety and depression’ that I stopped thinking about the life I wanted!

So I took sometime to think about it and it wasn’t to hard to figure out. The life I want is to be a creative graphic designer. Meeting clients at coffee shops. Going to fancy offices having brain storming ideas with other creatives. Working out of a coffee shop with a laptop at times. Just having freedom of a life as graphic designer.

Yes there are ways of making money with graphic design online with stock graphics. For now I’ll do it cause I need the income but it isn’t my dream. Sometimes you have to ask the right questions in order discover what you want.

Guess reading someone else’s blog helped me discover what I want. Now I guess I have to work towards making it happen. Its been hard. I’ve given up more times than I can count but I have to keep on trying. Not only for myself but for others who maybe thinking of giving up on their dreams. I hope to be that inspiration so that they never give up.

Taking a time out!

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Hey guys I’ve been thinking life has gotten so hectic and I need a break from it. So I decided to take a time out. Today is the first time I’ve taken a day for myself. I took the bus to town did some errands, after that I decide to have a relaxing lunch. Somewhere I never ate before. I decided to try this restaurant called Galito’s. They made Grilled chicken. I order a burger with chips and something to drink.

I just enjoyed being in the moment eating that burger not thinking about anything or anyone. No anxiety, no depression. Man that burger was delicious. Life felt good for once. I didn’t want to rush home straight away I did some window shopping and after walking off that delicious meal I treated myself for some dessert. Sometimes I think why can’t life always be like this. Why do l have to go back home.

So half the day did go by. Finally got home had some tea. Got an email from work saying I don’t have to come in this week my work isn’t ready for me. I was like what? This is the best day ever. So later today I visited a friend. We chatted about our lives and goals etc. He gave me some movies and anime to watch.

Today was blessed day and just had to post since I haven’t posted lately. also I’ve taken a break from graphic design and designed I’m just going to do it for fun for a short while and find that passion once again. Anyway thanks for reading and supporting me always. Love you all. God bless 🙂

I’m only human?

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Hey guys! I know its been a while. I’ve been sick with the flu. Stressing about work and frustrated with my dreams. After I got better from the flu a few days ago I began working on improving my design skills and I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself because I’m not improving overnight. This frustration is keeping me up at night. Also the moment I want to do something I feel uncomfortable and unable to find myself doing any task. I’m just there procrastinating.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not giving up but the process of getting better as a graphic design is harder than I imagined. Honestly how many times this week my mind tells me I can’t do this, no way I can design that. Its a constant mental battle day in and out.

Sometimes I find myself just wanting to go to bed early and waking up to the next day hoping that I’ve improved but when I go to bed I can’t sleep. All this stress is processing through my mind. Also with all the stress I’m having issues remembering stuff.

Sometimes I look at other people and get jealous that they can do things so easily, weather a job, studying. It comes natural to them. While I have to work 3 times as hard to barely reach their level. In my mind I just hate those bastards I’d say! But its just me being human! I know its no excuse.

I need to vent this! My struggle so people can relate. We only human right, we all go through things. This is just my situation. I love graphic design and I’ll keep at it but sometimes its just frustrating not getting the results you want as soon as you want it.

Thank you for your support :)

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Hi its me again and I have to say I am so grateful for the support I’ve been getting, from my followers, facebook etc. I never knew that I would get so much online support for my Anxiety/ADHD. Recently I’ve got a message on facebook. I don’t even know how she found my blog but she was kind enough to offer her time if I ever need someone to talk to about what I’ve been going through. Plus a friend on whatsapp and comments from you guys on my blog.

You encourage me and I hope I can do the same when I turn my life around become successful and beat this thing. You know today I was feeling depressed, lacking motivation and went through my blog and messages and was reminded to be positive and it cheered me up. Knowing I’m not alone anymore.

So I know this post was short but I needed to thank my supporters. You guys are amazing and I’ll still keep blogging even if it where 1 person reading my blog. I’d do it for them. Have a great day an awesome weekend to follow.

Not really my day off!

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One of the few pleasures of being off on a week day is waking up late. Unfortunately that didn’t work out. I kind of had to look after my neighbours dog for a while in the morning not that I mind but today is exceptionally hot.

Still I have my own studies. I’m trying to improve as a graphic designer. Its seem print graphic design and digital are different worlds. I worked as a digital graphic designer like for ever and print is proving to be quite a challenge.

Also today wasn’t exactly my day off by choice. Work politics you can say but I do go back tomorrow.  You can say I miss being in the aircon when I’m at work because these days its ridiculously hot. Also miss my co-workers. I didn’t expect to get as close to them as I did. Because I’m social awkward or social anxiety issues you can say!

I’m glad I’m off today because I haven’t had the time to blog. As for the rest of my day I need to download the flash tvshow and catch up on empire season 2. See you when I see you my awesome readers 🙂