Feeling Pressured

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Lately I’ve been feeling really pressured in all areas of my life ever since I’ve been to a neighbors funeral this past tuesday. Life is short and the day has only gotten shorter ever since I’ve set goals with deadlines.  Anyway going to that funeral got me thinking! Right now in my life I’m a Loser to peoples standards.  Still I want to achieve success in my parents life time,  while they still alive.  So much pressure comes with these thoughts.

Due to the pressure I’ve been designing poorly and feels I’ve taken steps back in life.  This is frustrating as hell. I’m being stressed out.  On top of that my brother won’t visit home because of his evil wife.  This is hurting my dad which hurts me.  I mean for father’s day not even a phone call or visit.  Which father wouldn’t feel hurt and it hurts me to giving me anxiety and family pressure.

Also a few weeks ago I launched my website as a graphic designer to possibility use as a portfolio and draw in clients.  Now that the site is done.  I feel lots of pressure to design the perfect portfolio.  This pressure isn’t good for me it’s just making me design Crappy designs and doubt myself slash abilities. Anyway sorry for the late post just been busy working on my design website.

Good bye for now

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Its 11pm tonight and I’m still up. I can’t sleep because there’s so much on my mind. Mostly that my BIS(blackberry internet service) expires at midnight tonight. I have no money for data or internet so I’m gonna be offline for now. Who knows it could be a few days, a week or even a month.

Unfortunately what ever money I do have I’m helping out my family at home because we are financially in a bad situation. Sometimes I just wanna give up and blame GOD for our situation.

To be honest I feel like committing suicide. Life is to hard for me. I can’t get a job. Even when I do get a job. I screw it up because I feel pressured not by others but myself because of my anxiety. I don’t even have the money to seek professional help about that.

Anyway I just wanted to say good bye for now.