Hey bloggersphere its me living in my own little anxiety world filled of worries and stress. Doesn’t sound fun right! Cause it isn’t. This past weekend I almost found myself lashing out at my mom in anxious rage because my mind was going crazy with anxious thoughts. I could hear them so loud in my head and I’m trying to focus and my mom talking to me and it began to irritate me. I was wanted to shout shut up so the thoughts like voices would stop but it took everything in me not to lash out.
I’m worried how much more therapy do I need before I’m cured from this curse called anxiety. I’ve kept how I’ve been feeling inside for a long time and I need to let it out. Thank God I have my blog to record my thoughts. Honestly a diary app annoys me I prefer to write a blog post so people going through what I am can relate or even reach out. I sometimes get advice from an anxiety group on Facebook call ” Calmer You Community”. The groups Admin is a psychologist. Often helpful.
Still I’m also going for therapy once a month at a government hospital. I’m not sure how much more therapy I’m gonna need before I’m better. If things don’t change for me by this end of this year. I’m thinking of quitting my passion of graphic design and focus the new year on getting a regular job. Of course I will work hard from now till end of this year. If Gods favor be with me I will succeed. So right now God first, prayer, therapy and hope it all works out.
Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.
Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.
I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.
Just the other night I had a dream my mom was calling me and so I woke up because I heard her. So I went to see why she’s calling me. When went to see where she is, she sleeping. But I swore I heard her voicing calling me. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or I’m losing my mind.
Again last night I woke up middle of the night and heard the kitchen tap running so I went in the kitchen and it stopped. I looked in the lounge looked like my mom standing by the certain so I’m asking her why you up so late and she didn’t answer me. When I put the light on. Nobody was there. Honest to God I don’t what’s going on with me. I need to see my therapist soon but hope he doesn’t commit me to an mental institution. Had a dream about that to not long ago. So yeah I’m a little terrified.
Today was a new experience for me. It’s only been 3 session now that I’m seeing a psychologist. This week Tuesday I saw my psychologist, he recommended I try group therapy because It will help me get out of my shell and improve some self confidence. So I signed up. Today was our first session.
In truth I was so anxious the whole day before my group session. Felt like I wanted to puke. Also wondering who are these people. What are they gonna think of me. What if I make a fool of myself. But later on I did learn that it was a safe space so even if I did make a fool of myself. Everyone there is there to support and point me in the right direction.
Of course it wasn’t a regular group session. The theme was the here and now. We all in the group had to choose a goal that we would be witness to improvements of each others goals. My goal is to speak with confidence and have a more of a confident presence. Why? cause when it was my turn to talk. I froze words wouldn’t even come out of my mouth. I had to take a second to breathe deeply and dig deep to find any words I could. To say what I meant. Which didn’t go well at first because I stuttered at first but eventually managed saying my piece.
It was nice though to connect with people in a similar situation. I met amazing people today who just need a little help like myself in life. I was glad to go through today’s experience. As hard as it was facing my issues with a bunch of strangers. Looking forward to next week’s session.
Today was my 2nd session of therapy. I’ll be honest! ,in the back of my mind I was hoping my therapist was going to tell me some mind blowing answer that would end my anxiety. In truth, that’s not how therapy works. I used to think therapy was like in the movies. Where the therapist would ask you ‘HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL’ questions.
My experience with therapy so far is? Its not just about talking to the psychologist but its the idea of getting used to opening up about yourself. Another experience of therapy for me is! It feels like you being stripped apart and being put back together a piece at a time. It feels like you being Rebuilt “better” in a more positive version of yourself.
Still I was told these changes won’t happen over night. It is only my 2nd session. We did do some exercises. One of them was involving connecting positive aspects to my life. An alternate version of how I see my life now but of events that I’ve ignore or overlook that may not of seemed important at the time. Its actually my homework writing about it and giving my therapist feedback next week for our 3rd session.
Does therapy work? Well for those of you who said No! Guess its because you didn’t have a therapist you can connect with and be completely honest. Part of therapy is also doing the exercises that you are given. To me therapy does work! It has helped me discover more about who I am. Little by little. I’m simply trusting my psychologist to help me its that simple. “It doesn’t hurt pray either”. I do have a long way to go. I’ve started the circle of change by seeking help. Taking small steps. Anyway next week I’ve been told I’d be likely to receive my treatment plan for taking on this anxiety. So if you reading or following my blog. You gonna wanna wait for next weeks review.
Hi guys, as you can see from my post title says it all. After weeks of waiting I’ve finally got to see the psychologist. Of course I had to sign a document that allows what we speak in therapy to remain confidential. I tell it feels good to get so many things of my chest without worrying weather I was gonna be judged for it. For example friends or family would see me differently if I told them how bad my anxiety is.
Well today wasn’t a full on session but more like an assessment about me and what could be triggering my anxiety. Still it was helpful saying things out loud, things that where bothering me and things I fear. Guess what they say is true, going to see a psychologist is really a safe space.
In our session the therapist showed me an example of how I needed to change small things and be more assertive. To be honest I would of never noticed that. So that’s one thing I learnt about myself today. I wish I could you tell more about the session, but there was a lot of personal things mentioned. The best part I guess was when the psychologist assured me that there is hope and how he has dealt with many cases like this. There will be a treatment plan I would have to follow in the next session or so. Also steps I’d have to follow to get better. I’m happy for the first time I’m getting the help I needed.
Hey guys I’m sure you noticed I haven’t blogged in a while. Truth is I’m having a hard time dealing with recently being unemployed! Also having a hard time gathering my thoughts. Right now my mind all over the place. Also I’m a little disappointed last month I went to the hospital and the doctor gave me a letter to go see a psychologist. Because my anxiety has gotten that bad.
The hospital suppose to call me regarding my appointment with the psychologist but they didn’t, so last week I went to the hospital and they told me that the doctor was on holiday and will come back next monday which is today and that the doctor will call me today, which they didn’t once again. But the nurse who helped me said if no one has phoned me on monday by 1 o clock I must phone her. She gave me her number.
I spent most of my monday anxious waiting for that call, with bad scenarios in my head that they forgot or something happen that they can’t see me. My stomach was in knots being so anxious. So I waited and no one called I’m so frustrated. I waited till 1:15pm to phone the hospital. When I finally got through the nurse who helped me answered and said the doctor/psychologist is in a meeting and she has given him the message and they will call me. Fuck I’m mad! Excuse my language. To be honest I thought I’d finally get my appointment when I called. I’m suffering so much and they don’t even care how I feel.
Anyway I thank God an hour later they called and made my appointment. I know therapy won’t cure me but its a step forward to getting over my anxiety. So I’m feeling a little relieved now.
Today I did what I needed to do. So I could make sure I can live my life and not live in fear because of my anxiety. Yes I am broke and do not have the money to go to a private doctor. So instead I went to the local clinic for help. I waited a long time but finally the nurse calls me in the room. I was hoping to see a doctor but I needed to make an appointment for that the nurse said to me.
I spoke to the nurse about my problem so she could advise me on what to do because God knows I didn’t. The most unexpected thing happened, I broke down and began to cry. Guess what I needed that more than you could ever know. After that it felt like something heavy was lifted from my shoulders. It felt good to talk to stranger who cared enough to encourage me.
After we spoke the nurse told me that the clinic doesn’t keep any drugs regarding anxiety and wrote me a letter to go to local hospital to join a support group. Also to see a psychologist. I’m actually looking forward to that. The nurse was very understanding and told me how things are gonna get better because I took the first step in getting help.
I finally feel like I’m getting somewhere now. The truth is I feel weak but if it means seeing psychologist to get the help I need, then I will. I’m tried of screwing my life, jobs, relationships and my dreams. I thought going to church or talking to someone there would help but it didn’t. They judge me for being weak and give their options on how I’m screwing up as well as some of my family. That’s why I’m keeping my distance from those people. God hasn’t let me down but people have.
There’s a saying in movies about being an addict. You first got to admit you have a problem in order to take the first step to recovery. I believe I took that first step and feel a little lighter and at peace with myself. Yes its hard dealing with anxiety when it keeps getting worse and worse. Unable to talk to your own family members. Its a heavy burden to shoulder.
I wrote this post not because I wanted to write a post. No because I know the pain and want to encourage others to get the help they need and take that first step. Believe me after that you will feel a lot better. There’s a lot more I could say but let me leave you with that. If you have any questions or wanna know more comment, tweet or email me.