Finding pieces of life

Finding pieces of life

If anyone knows struggle its waking up on a Monday morning going to a job you probably hate. Of course it isn’t the case with everyone some people do love their job its just the stress and deadlines that can sometimes make you hate what you do. Being in therapy for a while has given me some perspective on how the mind works but not enough yet to overcome my anxiety yet.

So as my title says finding pieces so I can put my life together. The thing with anxiety or insecurity you always waiting for when you feel good enough. That perfect moment where you motivated but life doesn’t work like that. We all struggle weather its anxiety, financially,  socially,  sickness and so on. We all tend to put our lives on pause when these struggles hit us.

That’s why keeping a diary helps me keep track of my thoughts. It was recommended by my therapist. Only problem is that sometimes I get so caught up in worries and how I’m gonna get more clients or gonna get a job because these things slip my mind. So I use an app to remind me to do things. I used to be embarrassed that I needed to be reminded for simple tasks but I came to realise it’s for my own good.

This year I think the piece of my life I need to sort out is to challenge myself more. After some failures and countless panic attacks the unknown territory has been somewhere I really don’t want to put myself. It’s why I choose to be single. It’s also probably why I’m unemployed to. Anxiety is like if you had a bad experience with something and you made up your mind that thing is bad and you will never try it again.

Lately I’ve become more social getting out of the house more. Talking to people. Reconnection with society because it’s not the same over the phone. Like instant messengers are not so instant. yet people can take so long to reply. So being more social in person has certainly been good for me.

Now the real challenge is for me to overcome my ability cope in a work environment. Truth is I’m good with information. Problem is when I’m anxious and I don’t know what to do with it. It’s like tunnel version. You feel so overwhelmed that you only see what anxiety wants you to see. Also at a job there’s no time to pause and do breathing exercises to Calm down. If anyone I know or knew personally wondering why my life isn’t together yet. Just know that having an anxiety disorder has made life harder for me. Things that are normally easy for others are harder for me.

Screw anxiety I will move forward somehow step by step.

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My first therapy session for 2019

My first therapy session for 2019

This morning I woke up early. A little nervous about my 1st therapy session for this year. I haven’t been in therapy for about 3 month and cancelled my session for last December because I had gotten into a fight with my mom. Who is frustrated with me both out of concern and annoyed that nothing is working for me to get better from my anxiety. So I’m burdened with this feeling of guilt and hatred for myself. If only I was smarter I’d have a job and be further along in my life. Anyway I had a lot to think about on my way to therapy.

So finally my therapy session started and I tried my best to remember the things that are affecting me and poured my heart into this session. It seems I have made my therapy sessions about getting a job instead of focusing on the causes and solutions of my anxiety and getting a wrong result so far.
Guess because of these hard times I’m desperate to get a job that’s why I made my therapy session about getting a job.

Anyway we got past that today in my session and realized that I will never be able to function in a work place until I deal with my anxiety. The first behaviour changes in my life I have to make is to reconnect with society. Why?  Because of my anxiety I have withdrawn myself from the world. I hate going out. Hate leaving my house longer that I have to like when going to church and my parents go shopping after church. I don’t like making conversations with people because I feel like I have nothing to say or worried when people gonna ask me why I’m not working for so long. I hate having to have to explain myself to everyone all the time. I like being alone most of time with my stupid thoughts.

So yeah my therapist said I need to ease myself back into society and start living again an be consistent. Meeting people. Having conversations. Getting out of the house more. Doing more. Also as a smart goal in session I made that I have to meet up with 2 graphic designers in person and have a conversation with them before next month therapy session. So I’m hoping my friend Zak is reading this and maybe try and reach out to his cousin who is a graphic designer to visit him and arrange a meet to talk shop. I’m not sure if I’m able to get this smart goal done but my therapist wants me to make an effort and network. Despite the challenge of this goal I’m quite satisfied with today’s session and there where a lot more things we spoke about in depth. Things like my triggers and insights to my anxiety. Well I can honestly say today was a lot to take in. So let’s hope this starts the process to change in my life.

Also sorry for the many typos in my previous post and if they are any typos in this post. Thank you readers for sticking things out with me.

Back in therapy after ages

Back in therapy after ages

It’s been after 3 months that I’ve been back in therapy. Today’s session was good,  productive even. Learning what’s causing my anxiety. It’s mostly my core beliefs, that my thoughts process  when ever I do anything. It tells me I’m not smart enough or don’t have what it takes.

Also there’s been a lot of physical symptoms these few months. When I’m anxious I get this annoying cough. Also my stomach feels knotted. Thirdly I’m not sleeping at night. My mind is over thinking and analyzing my life. It seems now I need my to focus a lot on mindfulness my Psychologist suggests. Because I’m not living in the present moment because my anxiety is always trying to predict slash fear the future.

I have now an idea of what I must do. Today I’ve done something very stupid. I was joking with a friend and kinda hurt him in the processes. So Zak if you reading this I’m so sorry bro. I’m deeply sorry and promise nothing like that will ever happen again.

How much more therapy do I need?

How much more therapy do I need?

Hey bloggersphere its me living in my own little anxiety world filled of worries and stress.  Doesn’t sound fun right!  Cause it isn’t. This past weekend I almost found myself lashing out at my mom in anxious rage because my mind was going crazy with anxious thoughts. I could hear them so loud in my head and I’m trying to focus and my mom talking to me and it began to irritate me. I was wanted to shout shut up so the thoughts like voices would stop but it took everything in me not to lash out.

I’m worried how much more therapy do I need before I’m cured from this curse called anxiety. I’ve kept how I’ve been feeling inside for a long time and I need to let it out.  Thank God I have my blog to record my thoughts. Honestly a diary app annoys me I prefer to write a blog post so people going through what I am can relate or even reach out. I sometimes get advice from an anxiety group on Facebook call ” Calmer You Community”.  The groups Admin is a psychologist. Often helpful.

Still I’m also going for therapy once a month at a government hospital. I’m not sure how much more therapy I’m gonna need before I’m better.  If things don’t change for me by this end of this year.  I’m thinking of quitting my passion of graphic design and focus the new year on getting a regular job. Of course I will work hard from now till end of this year.  If Gods favor be with me I will succeed. So right now God first, prayer,  therapy and hope it all works out.

Finding my place in this world!

Finding my place in this world!

Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.

Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.

I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.

Am I losing my mind? because I’m Hallucinating

Am I losing my mind? because I’m Hallucinating

Just the other night I had a dream my mom was calling me and so I woke up because I heard her. So I went to see why she’s calling me. When went to see where she is, she sleeping. But I swore I heard her voicing calling me. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or I’m losing my mind.

Again last night I woke up middle of the night and heard the kitchen tap running so I went in the kitchen and it stopped. I looked in the lounge looked like my mom standing by the certain so I’m asking her why you up so late and she didn’t answer me. When I put the light on. Nobody was there. Honest to God I don’t what’s going on with me. I need to see my therapist soon but hope he doesn’t commit me to an mental institution. Had a dream about that to not long ago. So yeah I’m a little terrified.

Human contact!

Human contact!

Hey its me sorry for the late post. Its been a hectic past 2 weeks with work and my birthday. Oh yeah I turned 32 on the 11th november. I don’t feel any older though. Work been crazy I think I pull off the impossible there meeting deadlines. Anyway lately I’ve been yearning for human contact! Ever since I been going for therapy and group therapy. I feel like I re integrated myself back into the real world. Because before my social anxiety was very bad and thanks to therapy. I feel more confidence being around people.

The problem now is? There isn’t any people around to socialise with or go out with. My friends are to busy with their own lives which I get. Also everything is instant messengers and social media when it comes to conversations with friends, so we don’t have to meet. That part sucks the most. Yes social media and IM+ where cool when they first came out. Now they just limit more human contact. This frustrates me and makes me feel lonely.

I can’t remember the last time I went out or saw a movie with friends or family. Mostly me and my friends download movies and series and just watch them but ourselves. Yes again life is starting to feel kinda lonely. I know most people would say get a girl friend but I don’t think one person gonna solve my yearning for socialising. Lucky though I have group therapy for the next 2 weeks. So hopefully things will get better from there.