Feeling Pressured

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Lately I’ve been feeling really pressured in all areas of my life ever since I’ve been to a neighbors funeral this past tuesday. Life is short and the day has only gotten shorter ever since I’ve set goals with deadlines.  Anyway going to that funeral got me thinking! Right now in my life I’m a Loser to peoples standards.  Still I want to achieve success in my parents life time,  while they still alive.  So much pressure comes with these thoughts.

Due to the pressure I’ve been designing poorly and feels I’ve taken steps back in life.  This is frustrating as hell. I’m being stressed out.  On top of that my brother won’t visit home because of his evil wife.  This is hurting my dad which hurts me.  I mean for father’s day not even a phone call or visit.  Which father wouldn’t feel hurt and it hurts me to giving me anxiety and family pressure.

Also a few weeks ago I launched my website as a graphic designer to possibility use as a portfolio and draw in clients.  Now that the site is done.  I feel lots of pressure to design the perfect portfolio.  This pressure isn’t good for me it’s just making me design Crappy designs and doubt myself slash abilities. Anyway sorry for the late post just been busy working on my design website.

I met the perfect girl for me but!

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Hey its me again. It’s finally the weekend and didn’t have much planned till a family friend invited my family for a birthday party.  My mom wasn’t to well so I decided I’d go with my dad.  I was really dreading going there. Like?  Whom will I talk to.  Hope we there not to long.

Finally we arrived there I was anxious to want to go home.  I was feeling uncomfortable. Social anxiety you could say. Still I tried to pass time by trying to make conversations with the people I did know.  It helped pass some time but not enough.  Then I noticed a cute girl I didn’t know.  I’ve kept trying to somehow cross paths to make a conversation with her but no luck.

Finally later that night she was outside alone I introduced myself and surprisingly the conversation was flowing like I didn’t have to try.  This has never happened to me before.  We also had a lot In common.  We both loved anime,  comic books,  the same tvshows and so on.  We clicked,  for me that’s a rare thing.  I knew this girl was amazing and I had to get to know her better. So some how I have the courage to ask her for her WhatsApp number I even gave her my phone to enter it.

The only problem was when I messaged her only to realized she added a fake number.  Cause the profile has been used in a week and I saw her use her WhatsApp last night and the profile pic was of a baby of different race and my messages weren’t going through.  I was so heart broken I mean I really liked this girl and she gave me a fake number.  That’s so mean.  I don’t know if I can ever ask a women out or for her number again 😦

Human contact!

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Hey its me sorry for the late post. Its been a hectic past 2 weeks with work and my birthday. Oh yeah I turned 32 on the 11th november. I don’t feel any older though. Work been crazy I think I pull off the impossible there meeting deadlines. Anyway lately I’ve been yearning for human contact! Ever since I been going for therapy and group therapy. I feel like I re integrated myself back into the real world. Because before my social anxiety was very bad and thanks to therapy. I feel more confidence being around people.

The problem now is? There isn’t any people around to socialise with or go out with. My friends are to busy with their own lives which I get. Also everything is instant messengers and social media when it comes to conversations with friends, so we don’t have to meet. That part sucks the most. Yes social media and IM+ where cool when they first came out. Now they just limit more human contact. This frustrates me and makes me feel lonely.

I can’t remember the last time I went out or saw a movie with friends or family. Mostly me and my friends download movies and series and just watch them but ourselves. Yes again life is starting to feel kinda lonely. I know most people would say get a girl friend but I don’t think one person gonna solve my yearning for socialising. Lucky though I have group therapy for the next 2 weeks. So hopefully things will get better from there.

Getting lonelier with age!

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Today as I woke up listening to a song.  I became quite emotional.  Basically I started to feel lonely. As the days, months and years are going by I’m seeing friends and family less and lesser. I can’t describe this feeling of loneliness.  It makes me feel sick and empty at times.

I wish i could turn back time.  The days when life was less complicated. No responsibilities.  Just going out and having fun. Unfortunately we can’t go back to those days.  Friends have kids others getting engaged.  Their lives are busy.  I’m happy for them,  they my friend.  I just miss them.

As for family.  My brother can’t visit us his wife hates our family and won’t let him visit us.  My sister lives a bit far off so I see her at church or special occasions like birthdays etc.  Still even when we do get together the family!  We couldn’t be further apart.  Everyone’s on their phones chatting to someone else. That’s why I miss my dogs so much because when nobody was around they was always there for me.  Now that they gone I’m still heart broken over it.  What must I do life must go on. 

The worst part of my life I’m the single guy in bunch of friends.  Haven’t been in love since high school.  How lame is that.  I just think with age comes loneliness. Guess I was feeling more lonely that I realized writing this post.

OMG! She asked me out

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This past saturday i went out with my friends for supper.  As we was chatting at mc donalds we spoke about, if we met anyone from our school days. My friend oyeshan said he had one of our class girls on whatsapp and sent her my number. She wasn’t sure who I was until she saw my profile pic.  We chatted on whatsapp till late that night.  Catching up.

Sunday we spent the day chatting a lot.  Sunday night is when she drop a bomb shell on me.  She said ‘ You also seem nice would you want date me for fun, nothing serious just as companion to go out with for fun :)’.

I was speechless but I did kinda agree to her terms.  The next day I ask for advice from a female co work about what i l should do.  Guess going out is great with a girl but I’d like to kiss and cuddle but that’s off the table since we going out as friend’s.  So I don’t know weather or not to pursue her because i don’t want to hurt her or be hurt.  I guess we should be friends instead of dating as friends.

30 and still single :(

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Hi ladies I’m here to share my thoughts on being single. I’d also love some advice from you ladies. I’m single for many years now. I’m friendly, down to earth, easy to chat to. My major problem is I’m to shy in person. I feel like a lot of time has passed and I’m getting older by the day and would like to find someone to share my life with.

Truthful I’m also afraid of being rejected. Its also why I haven’t told many girls how I’ve felt about them. Heart break is incurable. Rejection makes you feel worthless. I have spoken to a few ladies lately but it didn’t go to well, there was no flow. We texted and the conversation went like this.

Me : Hi
Girl : Hi
Me : how you doing
Girl : K
Me, : wuup2
Girl : Ntm
Me : Really so you not doing anything, so u don’t wtv or something.
Girl : sometimes.
Me : what tvshows or series you into.
Girl : a lot

Like what the hell was is with the one word answers. Maybe I should of told her I was horny maybe she would fight with me but even that would of made for a better conversation.

Anyway the real reason I’m writing this post is I feel the clock is running out on me. My friends are getting married, and engaged and I’ll be the only one left single. Its gonna be a lonely path if I don’t catch up. Even my niece is serious with her boyfriend. Dam I got to find someone special. Why is it so hard to find love.

Anyone interested tweet me @vishal4nw or mail me at vishal4nw@gmail.com I honestly don’t mind settling for a long distance or foreign relationship right now.

Impatience pending

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Its another day, another week and I’m no more closer to success or overcoming anxiety. Its been 3 weeks since I’ve been officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. The truth is I just want the hard part of my life to be over. I wanna live past the pain, past the struggle and live in the end product of my life where I’m confident, successful, overcame anxiety, in a good relationship and where my parents are proud of me.

I’m tired of waiting for things to get better. Yes I’m impatient. Its like I dug myself into this rut and I can’t get out. The only thing I really have to live for right now is tvshows and anime. Its keeps me going and in that moment watching my tvshows I forget my problems until the show ends. Reality comes back.

I’m fighting against depression, an anxiety disorder and unemployment all on my own. I haven’t even gone for my 1st therapy session yet because I still have to break the news to my parents. Who knows what they gonna say when they find out.

I’m lost. You have no idea how it feels to be so useless. I know I have potential on the inside of me but sometimes no matter how hard I try doing a job, or helping a friend I never feel good enough and the worst apart about that is! That’s my own opinion about myself.

I never imagined I’d come close to a mental melt down. Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking when he created me. If there’s a plan I’m sure its not this. Its natural for me to blame God I tell myself, but honestly its easier to blame then to take responsibility.

I’m sure many of you are probably sick of me talking about my anxiety. Guess what so am I! But its the only thing that’s going on in my life right now. So I blog about it. In a weird way writing my feeling down on my blog is a way of destressing.

Despite my angry out burst I thank god for giving me the strength to finally take the necessary steps to begin battling and eventually overcoming this anxiety. If all goes well I’ll be going for my 1st therapy session next month.