Lately I’ve been feeling really pressured in all areas of my life ever since I’ve been to a neighbors funeral this past tuesday. Life is short and the day has only gotten shorter ever since I’ve set goals with deadlines. Anyway going to that funeral got me thinking! Right now in my life I’m a Loser to peoples standards. Still I want to achieve success in my parents life time, while they still alive. So much pressure comes with these thoughts.
Due to the pressure I’ve been designing poorly and feels I’ve taken steps back in life. This is frustrating as hell. I’m being stressed out. On top of that my brother won’t visit home because of his evil wife. This is hurting my dad which hurts me. I mean for father’s day not even a phone call or visit. Which father wouldn’t feel hurt and it hurts me to giving me anxiety and family pressure.
Also a few weeks ago I launched my website as a graphic designer to possibility use as a portfolio and draw in clients. Now that the site is done. I feel lots of pressure to design the perfect portfolio. This pressure isn’t good for me it’s just making me design Crappy designs and doubt myself slash abilities. Anyway sorry for the late post just been busy working on my design website.
Hey guys it seems I’m kinda employed again aside from my freelance graphic design. Earlier this week I’ve gotten an email from my former work place asking me to help them with some edits, mostly to do with a huge size poster to be edited and modified also ready for print. Guess they only called because the book project of the company got invited for an arts festival. So now they only need me because they need posters done to represent them at that festival.
Yesterday I went to discuss how much I’m gonna get paid first before starting work. So I’m not ripped off. Unfortunately I also started yesterday with lots of edits to an existing poster I originally designed. It was taking forever to edit. Since the poster is 2 meters by 850mm which is a massive size. The computer takes a long time to render each change. Especially when you saving it after every edit. Because of the the pressure and deadline was end of yesterday. I had to design things any how! A rush job and not implement and creative changes. It was so frustrating. Sometimes the computer would take 10 to 20 minutes frozen, waiting.
Even after I knocked off work. I felt unsatisfied with the work I’ve done. It sucks being under pressure. When I got home I received more emails from work needing help to add changes. That was so ridiculous. It’s like teaching a graphic design crash course in 5 minutes. Again this morning worked phoned me. Asking how to do changes I did my best to explain and hoped to it worked out because today they knew I was unavailable. They don’t know why but so you know it was because I had group therapy and I’m not gonna sacrifice myself improvement for anything.
Life isn’t so easy when you trying to aim for your dreams. Lately I’ve been overwhelmed and doubting myself. Why? Over 5 years ago I got into graphic design using free software ‘gimp and inkscape’ but as of lately I’ve been working in the print design industry and I have to use photoshop and illustrator. This means its like starting from scratch learning new software and how this industry works.
Its bad enough I have anxiety but now I can’t sleep. All I’m thinking about is when will I’ll been done learning this software. I’m anxious everyday. Its eating me up. I’ve even given thought to giving up on graphic design.
Sure I’m working now but my job might soon come to an end. Sure its a great job but I always wanted to be my own boss someday. Sure it sounds great in theory but its easier said than done. I still haven’t settled on a design for my own business cards. I haven’t had the courage yet to call or make any communication with any printing company that I might use in the future to print my clients designs.
It feels like a pipe dream, I’m 31 and Starting over in graphic design, Which makes me a beginner again. So do I even stand a chance? To start my own business. Its killing me all these choices. If only I had someone to talk to. Someone to help me in my field. That would be amazing but life isn’t that easy right. I don’t have the connections or the resources.
Do I give up or keep trying….! Guess we will see in time.
Its been about 2 weeks now that my friend organised me an opportunity to do some design work. The client wants a book cover designed. I’ve have a lot of failed attempts in pleasing this client, because I’m not really sure what he wants. Last week I designed a cover exactly how he wanted with the help of my friend Zak khan. He did like it then but changed his mind this week.
I need to wrap up this job by this weekend. I just met with my friend Zak earlier today to discuss design ideas. I believe we made progress. We always seem to be a good creative team. Now that I am home the lights are off because of load shedding which is something common here in south africa now days. So about 2 hours I’ll have to wait before the lights come on.
Waiting and waiting I’ve been building up anxiety. Feeling very anxious because I’m in the mode to design and I can’t wait anymore but I can’t do a thing till the lights come on. I had to take my anxiety meds because I began to breathe heavily and panic a little. Anyway I have my reasons for why I need to get this job done soon. I’m sure my friend Zak knows why to 🙂 I’d also like to thank my friend Zak for this opportunity.
Waking up to monday is like waking up from an amazing dream you wished never ended. Now that today has come I feel the stress of reality thinking about looking for a job or getting clients for my freelance graphic design.
I felt like heaven this weekend. Going to the pool, having a braai, going to the cinema and just spending time with my friends. Its like nothing else mattered in that moment. No stress, no problems. Today I wake up and the weekend feels like it was a fantasy like something I just dreamt. Maybe its just me over reacting but life scares me cause I have anxiety which leds me to blow things out of proportion.
Also I’m thinking to much about what I’m gonna do, instead of just doing it. All advice is welcome. Just avoiding stress in the mean time while figure things out I guess.
These days I have so much on my mind. I’m not one to wake up early in the morning but I am everyday now. My sleep breaks. Guess I’m just worried. Lately one bad situation after another. I’m not sure how much I can take.
1st my dog got sick, financial problems, my mom is sick and some other family problems. I can’t take it. Everyday it takes everything for me not to have a panic attack. I’m constantly fighting my own mind. Wondering when will this end and when will things get better.
I don’t mean to be negative on my blog, but I’m wondering if there’s any hope. People are so discouraging. The news is even worst. People saying how bad the economy is and you’ll never get a job.
These things have been driving my anxiety into over drive. I can’t think or eat properly. I’m expecting the worst sometimes. I’m just so afraid. Unsure of what to do. I’ve been praying hoping God will answer my prayers. My chest is so tight as I’m writing this blog post because I’m terrify of tomorrow and the day after that will hold.
Ah back from the weekend and its monday so you know everyone is feeling a little blue. I’ve had a stressful weekend with problems like my sister in law fighting with my brother and him coming to stay the night because they had a fight. So been up all night and early this morning. Also my dog is still sick and talking her to the vet today. So much stress and no way to deal with it. So I thought I’d give meditation a shot.
Like many people when it comes to meditation I thought it was for monks and stuff. Just recently on the DR OZ show I saw DR OZ showing how meditation is for everyone. You don’t have to do it for hours ,just a few minutes everyday. So that felt do-able and motivated me to try it.
I’ve tried it this morning and a few days now. It feels good to clear your mind. You feel at peace. Surprisingly it did help make me feel a little lighter. Of course you have to do it everyday for it to really work. I’ve got a long way to go, to really make this work for me, but it is worth investing some time into.
Also I downloaded a dairy app on my blackberry to track my progress and thoughts. Even though I have a blog I sometimes often don’t share everything about my life because my blog links are shared on facebook and twitter. So I don’t really want my families to read about my most inner thoughts.