Hi it’s your friendly neighborhood blogger spiderman just kidding. I know I haven’t been consistent lately with my blog Posts. There’s a reason. If you read my blog or stumbled upon it you will know I have an anxiety disorder. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s takes a lot of effort to do the simplest of things like go outside, take a walk, visit a friend. It feels uncomfortable to leave my room. Even when my mom would clean my room I would get so angry because I just wanna go lay down on my bed and do nothing but think, worry and over analyze things.
Been thinking of suicide lately, that it is easier to skip the hard parts of my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with an anxiety life. I’m going for therapy but it’s to low progress if you ask me. I’m impatient now. I want a better life now. I want to be confident now. I want to be a talented, creative and successful graphic designer now.
I’ve been asking myself today why did I have to be born this way. Why did God make me so weak. I just don’t understand. Lately I just don’t care about things I loved like success, social networking, girls, friends, family. It’s like I’m emotionally numb. Guess being isolated in my room doesn’t make it any easier.
My Psychologist says I’m making progress but I don’t feel like it and he said things will get worst before they get better because my mind is used to being in a certain way and now I’m trying to change that. So it’s putting up a fight that’s why I’m in the state I am right now.
Anyway I thought I’d just share something to prove I’m still alive. Lol i know I suck at jokes. If you reading this advice is welcome please thank you.
Today was my 2nd session of therapy. I’ll be honest! ,in the back of my mind I was hoping my therapist was going to tell me some mind blowing answer that would end my anxiety. In truth, that’s not how therapy works. I used to think therapy was like in the movies. Where the therapist would ask you ‘HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL’ questions.
My experience with therapy so far is? Its not just about talking to the psychologist but its the idea of getting used to opening up about yourself. Another experience of therapy for me is! It feels like you being stripped apart and being put back together a piece at a time. It feels like you being Rebuilt “better” in a more positive version of yourself.
Still I was told these changes won’t happen over night. It is only my 2nd session. We did do some exercises. One of them was involving connecting positive aspects to my life. An alternate version of how I see my life now but of events that I’ve ignore or overlook that may not of seemed important at the time. Its actually my homework writing about it and giving my therapist feedback next week for our 3rd session.
Does therapy work? Well for those of you who said No! Guess its because you didn’t have a therapist you can connect with and be completely honest. Part of therapy is also doing the exercises that you are given. To me therapy does work! It has helped me discover more about who I am. Little by little. I’m simply trusting my psychologist to help me its that simple. “It doesn’t hurt pray either”. I do have a long way to go. I’ve started the circle of change by seeking help. Taking small steps. Anyway next week I’ve been told I’d be likely to receive my treatment plan for taking on this anxiety. So if you reading or following my blog. You gonna wanna wait for next weeks review.
Hi guys, as you can see from my post title says it all. After weeks of waiting I’ve finally got to see the psychologist. Of course I had to sign a document that allows what we speak in therapy to remain confidential. I tell it feels good to get so many things of my chest without worrying weather I was gonna be judged for it. For example friends or family would see me differently if I told them how bad my anxiety is.
Well today wasn’t a full on session but more like an assessment about me and what could be triggering my anxiety. Still it was helpful saying things out loud, things that where bothering me and things I fear. Guess what they say is true, going to see a psychologist is really a safe space.
In our session the therapist showed me an example of how I needed to change small things and be more assertive. To be honest I would of never noticed that. So that’s one thing I learnt about myself today. I wish I could you tell more about the session, but there was a lot of personal things mentioned. The best part I guess was when the psychologist assured me that there is hope and how he has dealt with many cases like this. There will be a treatment plan I would have to follow in the next session or so. Also steps I’d have to follow to get better. I’m happy for the first time I’m getting the help I needed.
Hi have you ever felt, when will this phase of our lives is gonna end. My anxiety and depression got triggered recently and I don’t know why. I couldn’t barely work or focus. I want to stay in bed all the time. Feeling extremely tired and lazy.
I honestly felt like committing suicide recently. These feelings of what’s the point of living. Because I don’t even know why I’m waking up in the morning. A girl I went on a date with. Pointed out that I lacked emotion. She was right. Its seems I’m having a hard time opening up and letting myself feel. Guess after my dogs died. I was so heart broken. I closed my heart off subconsciously so i wouldn’t feel that way again.
Life is short I don’t want anxiety or depression to rob me of anymore time I have with everyone in my life. It’s true I’m scared of being left alone in this world. Lately people have been dying and our family is getting smaller. My parents getting older. Guess thinking about these things makes me panic. I maybe 31 but I’m a kid at heart I need my family.
I don’t know what to do but get high on antidepressants just so I can get through each day.
Hi bloggers and friends its a busy week for me with my nieces engagement this weekend. Having it at my home because of the big space. Anyway talking relationships. It comes to my attention some people think I am weird. Talking behind my back. I honestly don’t care. All I know is I’m going through a lot with my battle against anxiety and depression.
I’m 30 and single and people seem to be asking the question how come I don’t have a girl friend, or rather should I say! Probably family gossiping behind my back or so. The truth is my anxiety has progressed into social anxiety which means now I find to hard to be around new people or in public. Its often the reason why I don’t go out a lot now days and sit in my room and work from home. I hide behind social media to avoid human contact.
I know its not normal. I am on medication but it only helps calm me down and not adapt to real life situations. On the other hand if I don’t take my medication I want to kill myself.
Well welcome to the story of my life. Anxiety is real. You can’t pray it away but you can pray for the strength to face it everyday. I am slowly getting better through the help of God and medication but its a daily battle with sometimes a few set backs.
Hi to my blogging family. You know it took me a while to write this post. I’ve been struggling. I’ve recently contracted the flu for about 2 weeks. I was so sick and weak that I stopped taking my antidepressants. I was just focusing on getting better from the flu. Well I did get better and slowly forgot about taking my antidepressants again. I’ve noticed how my anxiety and depression levels went up.
I couldn’t sleep. Everything was so loud, like everyone voices crowed in my head. My problems become more scarier. I become terrified of life. Thoughts of suicide crept into my head. Voices in my mind telling me : “I haven’t accomplished anything. You know not moving forward. Things are a lot harder for you than others.” I tried to shut these voices out but I couldn’t. My headaches where getting worst. My mind was all over the place. I’ve been really irritable lately. Even been ignoring people on instant messengers and social networks.
Its only been yesterday since I went back on my antidepressants. I feel calmer and less stressed out and not panicing for about every little thing before. To be honest I don’t want to use antidepressants but its the only thing for now that’s helping me stay calm. Maybe not 100% more like 70% but still it helps. Life isn’t easy for me I guess that’s why I have a lot of anxiety. This generally easy for others are 10 times harder for me. Guess its why I like to run away from my problems.
Before I got sick I was on the right track on getting my life right but this set back really put me back off my progress. Going have to start over now.
Im sure many of you wouldn’t agree with me when I say! God isn’t real. Due to recent tragedies I lost my faith in God and have been looking for a reason to believe in him again. The truth be told the more I pray the worse things get. Whats worst is I dont believe but recently people I know, strong believers I know are suffering terribly.
An intercessor at our church lost her son due to suicide. Another person from my church! His wife got cancer. Where is God in all this. What good suppose to come out from all of this. When I prayed for God to save my dogs they died anyway.
The truth is im angry at God and terribly scared of the future. Im not sure what to do or what to believe anymore. Yeah I hope to believe that God is real but as off lately his done a great job convincing me he doesn’t.
I feel like an idiot sometimes praying to the fresh air. I mean people claim to have connections with God, they claim God has spoken to them, so why not speak to me when I need him.
Hi and welcome back from the weekend. Is been a hectic weekend for me attended a wedding function and got news of 2 deaths.1 from our church and the other is family.
To be honest I enjoyed the wedding because I feels like forever since I’ve been out and celebrated something. Then I got the news last night that a member from our church had committed suicide and hung himself. People are asking the question why? He did what he did. To be honest I can relate to him because Ive been there being suicidal but recently gotten help. Still its sad that this young man took his own life. Because I knew him as this happy guy.
So this morning we get another phone call ,someone in our family has passed away. This really sucks. Bad news after bad news.
All this death makes you think that we should appreciate life and our family. To be honest my family is so divided that only when it comes to functions or funerals that we get to see each other.
hopefully these tragedies will help bring our families closer. If only life was that simple. Still life goes on and hope to make the best of mine this 2015.
Hi if you been reading my blog I’m sure you read about my dogs recently passing away, today is exactly 2 weeks now that my precious dog ‘Brandy’ passed away. Today my mom tells me she had a dream about her and I burst into tears. I miss her so much and it ihas gotten any easier because 5 months ago my other dog named ‘King’ passed away. He was also brandy’s son.
I wasn’t even over kings death and now brandy is gone to. Its devastating. I’ve been keeping myself busy lately but every now and then the realisation that my dogs are gone gives me a lot of anxiety, because I long for them. I can’t imagine a life without them but that is exactly what my life is right now.
I think about suicide a lot. I mean I don’t have a girlfriend or a lot of female friends. I have close friends but they have their own lives too. All I had was my dogs. I lived for them. No one understands my loneliness. I just want to die. I don’t even know how I got through these past 2 weeks. Still it hasn’t gotten any easier.
I wish for things to go back to the way it used to be. I’ve been blessed with the best dogs in the whole world. Brandy was fat and cute and King was handsome and playful. My dogs knew me well. They always made my day. Now I’m in a state of depression and anxiety because I missed them so much. I don’t want to move on because I don’t want to forget. The pain helps me remember them. I wish people could understand.
I’m writing this post because I’m scared and not sure what to do anymore.
Hey its me sorry I haven’t been blogging for a while. It seems that depression had gotten the better of me. I have seeked help. My doctor has put me on a course of antidepressants. Its only been a few days I do feel calmer. I have to go see the doctor again this week to report how im feeling. Then his gonna recommend which hospital I can go for treatment and therapy.
I like to thank ‘Sadag’ which is the depression and anxiety helpline of south africa. They talked me into getting help instead of ending my life. Yeah its been very hard with the loss of my dog lately and me turning 30 soon and have achieved not much in my life which can make you feel quite worthless.
Anyway lets see how well treatment goes for my anxiety and depression. Who knows I might be writing about my success soon.