Am I losing my mind? because I’m Hallucinating

Just the other night I had a dream my mom was calling me and so I woke up because I heard her. So I went to see why she’s calling me. When went to see where she is, she sleeping. But I swore I heard her voicing calling me. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or I’m losing my mind.

Again last night I woke up middle of the night and heard the kitchen tap running so I went in the kitchen and it stopped. I looked in the lounge looked like my mom standing by the certain so I’m asking her why you up so late and she didn’t answer me. When I put the light on. Nobody was there. Honest to God I don’t what’s going on with me. I need to see my therapist soon but hope he doesn’t commit me to an mental institution. Had a dream about that to not long ago. So yeah I’m a little terrified.

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Another session at therapy!

Today was my 2nd session of therapy. I’ll be honest! ,in the back of my mind I was hoping my therapist was going to tell me some mind blowing answer that would end my anxiety. In truth, that’s not how therapy works. I used to think therapy was like in the movies. Where the therapist would ask you ‘HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL’ questions.

My experience with therapy so far is? Its not just about talking to the psychologist but its the idea of getting used to opening up about yourself. Another experience of therapy for me is! It feels like you being stripped apart and being put back together a piece at a time. It feels like you being Rebuilt “better” in a more positive version of yourself.

Still I was told these changes won’t happen over night. It is only my 2nd session. We did do some exercises. One of them was involving connecting positive aspects to my life. An alternate version of how I see my life now but of events that I’ve ignore or overlook that may not of seemed important at the time. Its actually my homework writing about it and giving my therapist feedback next week for our 3rd session.

Does therapy work? Well for those of you who said No! Guess its because you didn’t have a therapist you can connect with and be completely honest. Part of therapy is also doing the exercises that you are given. To me therapy does work! It has helped me discover more about who I am. Little by little. I’m simply trusting my psychologist to help me its that simple. “It doesn’t hurt pray either”. I do have a long way to go. I’ve started the circle of change by seeking help. Taking small steps. Anyway next week I’ve been told I’d be likely to receive my treatment plan for taking on this anxiety. So if you reading or following my blog. You gonna wanna wait for next weeks review.

Impatience pending

Its another day, another week and I’m no more closer to success or overcoming anxiety. Its been 3 weeks since I’ve been officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. The truth is I just want the hard part of my life to be over. I wanna live past the pain, past the struggle and live in the end product of my life where I’m confident, successful, overcame anxiety, in a good relationship and where my parents are proud of me.

I’m tired of waiting for things to get better. Yes I’m impatient. Its like I dug myself into this rut and I can’t get out. The only thing I really have to live for right now is tvshows and anime. Its keeps me going and in that moment watching my tvshows I forget my problems until the show ends. Reality comes back.

I’m fighting against depression, an anxiety disorder and unemployment all on my own. I haven’t even gone for my 1st therapy session yet because I still have to break the news to my parents. Who knows what they gonna say when they find out.

I’m lost. You have no idea how it feels to be so useless. I know I have potential on the inside of me but sometimes no matter how hard I try doing a job, or helping a friend I never feel good enough and the worst apart about that is! That’s my own opinion about myself.

I never imagined I’d come close to a mental melt down. Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking when he created me. If there’s a plan I’m sure its not this. Its natural for me to blame God I tell myself, but honestly its easier to blame then to take responsibility.

I’m sure many of you are probably sick of me talking about my anxiety. Guess what so am I! But its the only thing that’s going on in my life right now. So I blog about it. In a weird way writing my feeling down on my blog is a way of destressing.

Despite my angry out burst I thank god for giving me the strength to finally take the necessary steps to begin battling and eventually overcoming this anxiety. If all goes well I’ll be going for my 1st therapy session next month.