Hi it’s your friendly neighborhood blogger spiderman just kidding. I know I haven’t been consistent lately with my blog Posts. There’s a reason. If you read my blog or stumbled upon it you will know I have an anxiety disorder. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s takes a lot of effort to do the simplest of things like go outside, take a walk, visit a friend. It feels uncomfortable to leave my room. Even when my mom would clean my room I would get so angry because I just wanna go lay down on my bed and do nothing but think, worry and over analyze things.
Been thinking of suicide lately, that it is easier to skip the hard parts of my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with an anxiety life. I’m going for therapy but it’s to low progress if you ask me. I’m impatient now. I want a better life now. I want to be confident now. I want to be a talented, creative and successful graphic designer now.
I’ve been asking myself today why did I have to be born this way. Why did God make me so weak. I just don’t understand. Lately I just don’t care about things I loved like success, social networking, girls, friends, family. It’s like I’m emotionally numb. Guess being isolated in my room doesn’t make it any easier.
My Psychologist says I’m making progress but I don’t feel like it and he said things will get worst before they get better because my mind is used to being in a certain way and now I’m trying to change that. So it’s putting up a fight that’s why I’m in the state I am right now.
Anyway I thought I’d just share something to prove I’m still alive. Lol i know I suck at jokes. If you reading this advice is welcome please thank you.
Today I woke up about half past five this morning to go to the hospital to see the psychiatric doctor. The worst thing about going to a government hospital is the long lines in front of you. It’s why I had to wake up so early to beat the crowd so I can get a good spot in the line to see the psych doctor.
Minutes felt like hours for someone suffering with an anxiety disorder. It was frustrating the line hasn’t moved in an hour. These nurse not even doing anything. People in my line complained to the hospital staff and replied go relax and wait. So rude.
Anyway finally I got my file and there after had to go wait in yet again in another line for the doctor. In my mind I’m thinking when is this day gonna end. I rather die than sit another minute. Eventually I made some conversation with some people and an interesting topic came up. Lady whose also Christian not judging mental illness but talking to me about it the right way. Where that even though I’m seeking help, that I should still pray and trust God. Sometimes God has his ways of helping us. Weather through miracles or doctors. Cause in the past I’ve been judge by fellow Christians for having anxiety like an evil spirit. Now I know not all Christians are close minded. Then finally after hours of waiting it was my turn to see the doctor.
We discussed my process and set backs and also that my clinic has prescribed me wrong medication all this time. So the doctor had to write me a new script to collect new medication for my anxiety and must try it for the next month and come back in a months time to see if the meds are helping or not. Also to discuss the way forward. I pray these meds help me, not just with my anxiety but for my attention disorder to.
Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.
Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.
I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.
Today was a new experience for me. It’s only been 3 session now that I’m seeing a psychologist. This week Tuesday I saw my psychologist, he recommended I try group therapy because It will help me get out of my shell and improve some self confidence. So I signed up. Today was our first session.
In truth I was so anxious the whole day before my group session. Felt like I wanted to puke. Also wondering who are these people. What are they gonna think of me. What if I make a fool of myself. But later on I did learn that it was a safe space so even if I did make a fool of myself. Everyone there is there to support and point me in the right direction.
Of course it wasn’t a regular group session. The theme was the here and now. We all in the group had to choose a goal that we would be witness to improvements of each others goals. My goal is to speak with confidence and have a more of a confident presence. Why? cause when it was my turn to talk. I froze words wouldn’t even come out of my mouth. I had to take a second to breathe deeply and dig deep to find any words I could. To say what I meant. Which didn’t go well at first because I stuttered at first but eventually managed saying my piece.
It was nice though to connect with people in a similar situation. I met amazing people today who just need a little help like myself in life. I was glad to go through today’s experience. As hard as it was facing my issues with a bunch of strangers. Looking forward to next week’s session.
Today was my 2nd session of therapy. I’ll be honest! ,in the back of my mind I was hoping my therapist was going to tell me some mind blowing answer that would end my anxiety. In truth, that’s not how therapy works. I used to think therapy was like in the movies. Where the therapist would ask you ‘HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL’ questions.
My experience with therapy so far is? Its not just about talking to the psychologist but its the idea of getting used to opening up about yourself. Another experience of therapy for me is! It feels like you being stripped apart and being put back together a piece at a time. It feels like you being Rebuilt “better” in a more positive version of yourself.
Still I was told these changes won’t happen over night. It is only my 2nd session. We did do some exercises. One of them was involving connecting positive aspects to my life. An alternate version of how I see my life now but of events that I’ve ignore or overlook that may not of seemed important at the time. Its actually my homework writing about it and giving my therapist feedback next week for our 3rd session.
Does therapy work? Well for those of you who said No! Guess its because you didn’t have a therapist you can connect with and be completely honest. Part of therapy is also doing the exercises that you are given. To me therapy does work! It has helped me discover more about who I am. Little by little. I’m simply trusting my psychologist to help me its that simple. “It doesn’t hurt pray either”. I do have a long way to go. I’ve started the circle of change by seeking help. Taking small steps. Anyway next week I’ve been told I’d be likely to receive my treatment plan for taking on this anxiety. So if you reading or following my blog. You gonna wanna wait for next weeks review.
Hi guys, as you can see from my post title says it all. After weeks of waiting I’ve finally got to see the psychologist. Of course I had to sign a document that allows what we speak in therapy to remain confidential. I tell it feels good to get so many things of my chest without worrying weather I was gonna be judged for it. For example friends or family would see me differently if I told them how bad my anxiety is.
Well today wasn’t a full on session but more like an assessment about me and what could be triggering my anxiety. Still it was helpful saying things out loud, things that where bothering me and things I fear. Guess what they say is true, going to see a psychologist is really a safe space.
In our session the therapist showed me an example of how I needed to change small things and be more assertive. To be honest I would of never noticed that. So that’s one thing I learnt about myself today. I wish I could you tell more about the session, but there was a lot of personal things mentioned. The best part I guess was when the psychologist assured me that there is hope and how he has dealt with many cases like this. There will be a treatment plan I would have to follow in the next session or so. Also steps I’d have to follow to get better. I’m happy for the first time I’m getting the help I needed.
Hey guys I’m sure you noticed I haven’t blogged in a while. Truth is I’m having a hard time dealing with recently being unemployed! Also having a hard time gathering my thoughts. Right now my mind all over the place. Also I’m a little disappointed last month I went to the hospital and the doctor gave me a letter to go see a psychologist. Because my anxiety has gotten that bad.
The hospital suppose to call me regarding my appointment with the psychologist but they didn’t, so last week I went to the hospital and they told me that the doctor was on holiday and will come back next monday which is today and that the doctor will call me today, which they didn’t once again. But the nurse who helped me said if no one has phoned me on monday by 1 o clock I must phone her. She gave me her number.
I spent most of my monday anxious waiting for that call, with bad scenarios in my head that they forgot or something happen that they can’t see me. My stomach was in knots being so anxious. So I waited and no one called I’m so frustrated. I waited till 1:15pm to phone the hospital. When I finally got through the nurse who helped me answered and said the doctor/psychologist is in a meeting and she has given him the message and they will call me. Fuck I’m mad! Excuse my language. To be honest I thought I’d finally get my appointment when I called. I’m suffering so much and they don’t even care how I feel.
Anyway I thank God an hour later they called and made my appointment. I know therapy won’t cure me but its a step forward to getting over my anxiety. So I’m feeling a little relieved now.