Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.
Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.
I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.
Hi my blog family I’m sure you guessed from my title of this post. You know I’m talking about the challenges I’m facing in my life right now and I thought a wall would be the best way to describe my situation. This huge wall is blocking my way to success. On this wall is engraved things such as “lack of confidence, fear of failure, anxiety, depression, loneliness, it will never work out, you not good enough”.
You could say I’m unemployed as of this month. So I feel stuck. Especially when you lose that stability of having a job and the world becomes a more scarier place. Jobs are hard to come by and I’m looking at my options they aren’t good. Even if I got a job my anxiety is so bad and learning something new will make me fall apart, get fired on the job and fall into a deep depression.
I’ve been reading online of alternative ways of making money! Its not my style making passive income but its seems worth a try. Selling graphics online. I’m not looking to get rich quick but I am looking to work hard so I make a fair amount of money and feel like I’ve accomplished something.
That aside I haven’t found a single shred of inspiration to design anything lately. I’ve been in this depressed slump. I know there are few people who believes in me and I want to meet their expectations but its so hard just getting started. Monday I was so messed up mentally I was in bed 80% of the day. Then a old childhood friend whatsapp me telling she was thinking of me and wanted to know how I was feeling. I told her everything and she really encouraged me showing there is hope. She even called me and prayed with me which was great because I’ve never had much support in my life.
Also my friend Zak is always there for me giving me advice when we have our mastermind sessions. I’m not sure how to face this wall before me. I’m sure many of you go through something similar. Love to hear how some of you overcame your problems. As for me right now I’m just going to try something new and see how it works out.
Lately I’ve been stressed because I haven’t been called into work because there isn’t much work to do. So last week tuesday I received an email from my manager saying they will call me in when the work is ready for me to do. I’m kinda anxious because, my dad is asking me all these questions when I’m going back to work etc. I can tell his worried weather this job is gonna last which also made me start to worry about the same thing.
To be honest it feel good that I had some stability this last year because this month is exactly a year I’ve been working at this company. Also now that I’m working I feel a little more confident in myself. Because when I was unemployed there where times I would lie and tell people I’m working from home just so I wouldn’t feel ashamed. Also now that I’m working my parents are proud of me and have respect for me. I remember the dark days of having them look down on me thinking I’m useless and lazy. I don’t ever want to go back there.
Besides being employed helps around the house. In terms of my dreams I haven’t taken any actions because I’m comfortable where I’m at. Besides writing this post I’ve been so depressed since this weekend been in my room and bed all day. I was trying to be positive and its not easy when you not motivated. I guess I blame myself for no being more prepared. I knew this job wouldn’t last forever but some how I forgotten that along the line or my mind is just over reacting.
Yesterday I discovered something. My life feels empty. Lonely. Since my dogs passed away. I feel something is missing. Still yesterday I was happy for a moment. My brother visited and my nieces came over to. They always so excited when they visit my home. Yesterday my nieces wanted me to load some games on their tablets. You know their excitement, their energy it was infectious.
I was happy. They don’t look at me like other people do. The unemployed, the failure. They just have unconditional love for me. Just as my dogs gave me. So yesterday for a brief moment I was happy. They might be hope after all. Something worth salvaging in my life.
I also feel that way when I’m with my close friends. In that moment I’m with them nothing else matters. Life without people to share it with is pointless. Even with all the money in the world you’d be lonely. Despite what I’m going through in my life. My anxiety, depression, failures, loss. These things gave me a new appreciation for the people in my life and holding on to the moments that matter.
Today I woke up and I realised that I’m so bored that I’m actually helping my mom clean! Generally I hate doing any house work but now if it will keep me busy I will do it. Why?
I’m jobless slash unemployed and at home for so long that I’ve run out of things to do or past the time. Yes I’m frustrated. Still got the issue of dealing anxiety but that’s a matter of another day.
My routine for the day! Wake up eat breakfast. Watch television till my cellphone charges. When my phone is charged I’ll use it for facebook and twitter till my battery needs charging again. Then while my phone is charging again I’ll go play with my dogs till my phone is charged. I’ll play with my phone again but this time I’ll go online looking for inspirational graphic design to inspire me to go on my computer and design something. I’ll go on my computer I’ll struggle to design something for while then stop designing stuff and watch tvshow series till its night time for supper and time to go sleep.
I know there’s not much to live for ,but that’s me just sharing my daily life in case someone out there can relate. Sure blogging and social networking is a hobby of mine that suppose to help me destress but waiting around for comments and feedback can be frustrating sometimes.
Hmmm what else I’m so bored I’m writing this blog post. Anyway I’m just looking for suggestions for a more social engaging hobby that wouldn’t cost me money! Can anyone help me?
Welcome back bloggers, tweeters and friends from an awesome weekend. I wonder what you’ve been up to. As for me I’ve been working on a name for my graphic design brand. I tell you thinking of names is hard. I’ve been frustrated out of my mind thinking of names. What ever cool names I did think of! Is usually taken.
I really need to get this done because I feel without purpose being unemployed and all. Also I can’t do any freelance work without a company name or brand, otherwise people won’t bother to hire my services but if I got a facebook page with my designs, prices and contact details. I’ll be more likely to be known as a brand and get business slash clients.
Once I’ve accomplished that I’ll feel like I have a purpose or something to work towards. I don’t want to rush creating my facebook page but I feel pressured to do so. Still regardless on the name I am excited and eager to get things started. You know that feeling when you passionate about something that’s how I feel about this. If anyone knows any creative names or anything to do with graphic design feel free to comment.
I want to be the next apple type brand but in graphic design. Just maybe I could strike gold with my design brand. I don’t pretend to be an expert on branding but I do read a lot of blogs and ebooks. So fingers crossed hope it all works out guys. 🙂
I’m awake its 5:30 am and I’m getting ready for a possible new job. My church has position able for data entry I’m not sure what’s the story just so nervous. Guess will see how the interview goes and hopefully there’s no completion to deal with. My last job ended badly in failure I just hope god gives me that favour to succeed here.
LMFAO I haven’t even told my parents or friends about this job they think I’m going to help the church for something. Maybe I didn’t wanna get their hopes up for nothing until I knew for certain. Well will see how it goes will let you’ll know how the journey goes! Good or bad I know you “guys” are always there me. This could be the fresh start I’ve been hoping for. Anyway fingers crossed wish me luck 🙂
#personal_note: Trying something new can be terrifying. It is better to have tried and failed then to have not tried at all. Otherwise you never learn anything.