I’m sorry for the wait I’ve been procrastinating so long that I couldn’t even make a single decision. Yet alone write a single blog post. Heard this is called analysis paralysis. The advice I was given is to make a decision regardless if it’s good or bad. It’s good advice I think. Still making a bad decision is scary for my self esteem.
Anyway what I’ve been up to this 2018 so far is looking for a job. Still no luck there. I’m still going for my therapy sessions, which are going well. I’d love to get support from my parents at home like encouragement that there is hope and things will get better. Guess that type of encouragement only happens in the movies.
I’m trying to be more social instead of only texting over the phone and meet people in person. It feels good. These are just some of the few changes I’m making to my life. So enough about me! And comment and tell me about you think and what you been to.
Hi dear blog family, I know I kinda got lost lately. I’m sorry! Its just that I’ve been going for therapy because I’ve been falling apart. It seems I’ve been diagnosed with pathological anxiety which is worse than generalised anxiety. I’ve just been struggling to cope, worrying about getting a job, getting better as a graphic designer, getting married and so on and so on. Its why I haven’t blogged lately.
Guess its time I’ve gotten real with myself. Yes I’m blessed more than most and less than some but I’m unsatisfied. My life sucks. This anxiety feels like a curse. I feel like failed my friend whose always tried to help me. My parents who started to believe in me as a graphic designer. Guess after losing my job! My mental state all when to hell cause before this job I’ve been unemployed for years and where will I get another great opportunity like my last job.
I’ve lost faith in my design abilities. I wake up like a hobo I don’t shave or cute my hair looking undesirable. Losing the sense of who you are is no joke but thanks to therapy I can take a step in the right direction and I’m trusting in God and that he will also use therapy to get me through this hard time in my life.
Hi my blog family I’m sure you guessed from my title of this post. You know I’m talking about the challenges I’m facing in my life right now and I thought a wall would be the best way to describe my situation. This huge wall is blocking my way to success. On this wall is engraved things such as “lack of confidence, fear of failure, anxiety, depression, loneliness, it will never work out, you not good enough”.
You could say I’m unemployed as of this month. So I feel stuck. Especially when you lose that stability of having a job and the world becomes a more scarier place. Jobs are hard to come by and I’m looking at my options they aren’t good. Even if I got a job my anxiety is so bad and learning something new will make me fall apart, get fired on the job and fall into a deep depression.
I’ve been reading online of alternative ways of making money! Its not my style making passive income but its seems worth a try. Selling graphics online. I’m not looking to get rich quick but I am looking to work hard so I make a fair amount of money and feel like I’ve accomplished something.
That aside I haven’t found a single shred of inspiration to design anything lately. I’ve been in this depressed slump. I know there are few people who believes in me and I want to meet their expectations but its so hard just getting started. Monday I was so messed up mentally I was in bed 80% of the day. Then a old childhood friend whatsapp me telling she was thinking of me and wanted to know how I was feeling. I told her everything and she really encouraged me showing there is hope. She even called me and prayed with me which was great because I’ve never had much support in my life.
Also my friend Zak is always there for me giving me advice when we have our mastermind sessions. I’m not sure how to face this wall before me. I’m sure many of you go through something similar. Love to hear how some of you overcame your problems. As for me right now I’m just going to try something new and see how it works out.
Lately I’ve been stressed because I haven’t been called into work because there isn’t much work to do. So last week tuesday I received an email from my manager saying they will call me in when the work is ready for me to do. I’m kinda anxious because, my dad is asking me all these questions when I’m going back to work etc. I can tell his worried weather this job is gonna last which also made me start to worry about the same thing.
To be honest it feel good that I had some stability this last year because this month is exactly a year I’ve been working at this company. Also now that I’m working I feel a little more confident in myself. Because when I was unemployed there where times I would lie and tell people I’m working from home just so I wouldn’t feel ashamed. Also now that I’m working my parents are proud of me and have respect for me. I remember the dark days of having them look down on me thinking I’m useless and lazy. I don’t ever want to go back there.
Besides being employed helps around the house. In terms of my dreams I haven’t taken any actions because I’m comfortable where I’m at. Besides writing this post I’ve been so depressed since this weekend been in my room and bed all day. I was trying to be positive and its not easy when you not motivated. I guess I blame myself for no being more prepared. I knew this job wouldn’t last forever but some how I forgotten that along the line or my mind is just over reacting.
Yesterday I discovered something. My life feels empty. Lonely. Since my dogs passed away. I feel something is missing. Still yesterday I was happy for a moment. My brother visited and my nieces came over to. They always so excited when they visit my home. Yesterday my nieces wanted me to load some games on their tablets. You know their excitement, their energy it was infectious.
I was happy. They don’t look at me like other people do. The unemployed, the failure. They just have unconditional love for me. Just as my dogs gave me. So yesterday for a brief moment I was happy. They might be hope after all. Something worth salvaging in my life.
I also feel that way when I’m with my close friends. In that moment I’m with them nothing else matters. Life without people to share it with is pointless. Even with all the money in the world you’d be lonely. Despite what I’m going through in my life. My anxiety, depression, failures, loss. These things gave me a new appreciation for the people in my life and holding on to the moments that matter.
Today I woke up and I realised that I’m so bored that I’m actually helping my mom clean! Generally I hate doing any house work but now if it will keep me busy I will do it. Why?
I’m jobless slash unemployed and at home for so long that I’ve run out of things to do or past the time. Yes I’m frustrated. Still got the issue of dealing anxiety but that’s a matter of another day.
My routine for the day! Wake up eat breakfast. Watch television till my cellphone charges. When my phone is charged I’ll use it for facebook and twitter till my battery needs charging again. Then while my phone is charging again I’ll go play with my dogs till my phone is charged. I’ll play with my phone again but this time I’ll go online looking for inspirational graphic design to inspire me to go on my computer and design something. I’ll go on my computer I’ll struggle to design something for while then stop designing stuff and watch tvshow series till its night time for supper and time to go sleep.
I know there’s not much to live for ,but that’s me just sharing my daily life in case someone out there can relate. Sure blogging and social networking is a hobby of mine that suppose to help me destress but waiting around for comments and feedback can be frustrating sometimes.
Hmmm what else I’m so bored I’m writing this blog post. Anyway I’m just looking for suggestions for a more social engaging hobby that wouldn’t cost me money! Can anyone help me?
Welcome back bloggers, tweeters and friends from an awesome weekend. I wonder what you’ve been up to. As for me I’ve been working on a name for my graphic design brand. I tell you thinking of names is hard. I’ve been frustrated out of my mind thinking of names. What ever cool names I did think of! Is usually taken.
I really need to get this done because I feel without purpose being unemployed and all. Also I can’t do any freelance work without a company name or brand, otherwise people won’t bother to hire my services but if I got a facebook page with my designs, prices and contact details. I’ll be more likely to be known as a brand and get business slash clients.
Once I’ve accomplished that I’ll feel like I have a purpose or something to work towards. I don’t want to rush creating my facebook page but I feel pressured to do so. Still regardless on the name I am excited and eager to get things started. You know that feeling when you passionate about something that’s how I feel about this. If anyone knows any creative names or anything to do with graphic design feel free to comment.
I want to be the next apple type brand but in graphic design. Just maybe I could strike gold with my design brand. I don’t pretend to be an expert on branding but I do read a lot of blogs and ebooks. So fingers crossed hope it all works out guys. 🙂
I’m awake its 5:30 am and I’m getting ready for a possible new job. My church has position able for data entry I’m not sure what’s the story just so nervous. Guess will see how the interview goes and hopefully there’s no completion to deal with. My last job ended badly in failure I just hope god gives me that favour to succeed here.
LMFAO I haven’t even told my parents or friends about this job they think I’m going to help the church for something. Maybe I didn’t wanna get their hopes up for nothing until I knew for certain. Well will see how it goes will let you’ll know how the journey goes! Good or bad I know you “guys” are always there me. This could be the fresh start I’ve been hoping for. Anyway fingers crossed wish me luck 🙂
#personal_note: Trying something new can be terrifying. It is better to have tried and failed then to have not tried at all. Otherwise you never learn anything.
Dam I woke up late today and suppose to start seriously looking for a job. Slept late last night having sex chats with one girl I kinda like but now I have like a hangover of over sleeping. Honestly haven’t put much effort today into looking for job because in my heart I’m doubting of ever finding one. I mean everyone is telling me how hard it’s gonna be. I’m so tired of people telling me how hard life is, no wonder there’s no positive change. People want to talk about the problem and remind people of how bad things are instead or talking about a solution.
I’m using google and websites to find jobs. There’s many sites with many jobs but nothing I really qualify for. How the hell I’m gonna get a job with no experience. Companies only hire people with experience and if you don’t work you can’t get experience and that’s really farked up.
Honestly I more looking for a job to help my family out rather than accomplish my dreams. I did have a job offer but out of my city. Unfortunately I won’t be able to handle that job cause I have asthma and need medication regularly which I won’t have if I took the job. I do feel guilty though for not taking the job and sadly my friend certainly made me feel guilty for not talking the job. But I’m a forgiving person and don’t hold on to things but its just hard to rebuild that trust again.
Right now I’m looking for a job in my city so that I can work and live my dream as a freelance graphic designer as side project until I have enough capital to do it full time. No luck still browsing through thousands of webpages. The day ain’t over and I will not give up yet, besides tomorrow is another day. I’m not 100% focus because I’m troubled but its good to no that I have friends that care and encourage me when I need it.
I’m sure there’s many of you out there who needs a job more than I do. We all struggling but we have to stay strong and believe and hope that something will change otherwise its over. I’m not a man of faith but until recently I’ve chosen to put my faith in god because I know can’t do this alone.
#personal_note Everyone have a great monday. Remember never to give up and always give a helping hand when ever you can.
Can you believe its monday already. Days of the week don’t really matter cause its all the same to me since I’m unemployed. Waking up this morning not sure of what to do is quite frustrating and depressing for a monday. I have goals but nothing I’m doing seems to be productive. As for my freelance graphic design work, I’ve put ads online posting my services but some idiots can’t read and replying to my ad asking me for a job.
Half the morning has gone and it feels like I’ve done nothing. I’m not sure what to do right now. I’m sure I need to get out of the house more and get my creative juices pumping and need to think out of the box. Somehow I believe breaking the barrier of the freelance world might be the key to my success. There are so many talented people unemployed who are sitting at home. So its means there’s a scope for a freelancers but finding how to use that as my advantage is the only problem.
In the mean while I’ve gotten a phone call from my friend moses. Its awesome to hear good news and he told about the dream he had about his dream for his life. I’m glad he found his passion cause that inspires me to act on mine. I guess If I can’t find anything to do today, I will just have to write down my goals, my passions, my strengths, my weakness or simply stuff I would like to achieve.
Life is so hard as it is and the south african government just makes life harder with their racist trends of black empowerment. So to me success isn’t about achieving my dream but its about beating the odds.
#Personal note : have a good day and live to inspire others so that you can be inspired yourself.